It’s gone, and I miss it.
Maybe it hooked up with The Ticks mustache
My grandma has it.
I think Jerry killed it.
It crawled across my floor and I stomped on it! 
Damn him.
Did you check your evil twin?
psst! I think Winston is the evil twin.
flips over notebook
When did you see it last? What was it wearing? Was it with anyone? Did your goatee have any disagreements with anyone recently? See anyone out of the ordinary hanging around your face in the last few days? Where were you on the night it disappeared?
blinks
It is with relief that I note the thread title NOT being “Has anyone seen my goatse?” as I originally thought it did.
I think Joan Rivers is wearing it. Was it… curly? No?
A penguin waddled away with it, very fast.
At least you still have your chain-mail bra.
…ok…anybody seen Hal lately?
I have your goatee. If you ever want to see it again, get $100,000 in unmarked, non-sequential $20 bills. Put the cash in a dufflebag. We will call you with the drop location. You have 24 hours. After then, I will start sending you broken hairs.
Do not involve the police. If you do, the goatee gets it.
Extortion, eh? You got moxie, kid.
Obviously the Goatee’s evil has found a new home.
I saw it this morning while I was getting dressed. What I want to know is, how did your goatee get onto my cooter?
Blink
Ahem. Well. I, uh. It must have… um.
:: Blushing ::
The real question is: How did your cooter get under his goatee?