He can make overtricks in seven No Trumps when the defender on lead has thirteen Spades to the Ace.
He can colour opposite sides of a Moebius Strip in red and green.
His proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem fits into the margin.
He can even do both edges in two colors.
When he visits Soviet Russia… HE forks the ROAD!
He has a whole branch of mathmatics named after him…but only he understands it.
He knows precisely two facts about ducks. And both of them are wrong.
He thought he was wrong once, but it turns out he was mistaken…
His PIN number is the largest prime…his ebay account number is the one after that.
Every Chinese resteraunt on the planet has a numbered spicey chicken dish based on his own recipe…but only he knows what that number is.
Einstein once asked him what it was like to be so wise and insightful…and then paid him handsomely to double check his work.
The pope goes to him for confessions…and theological advice.
He was once stopped for a roadside DUI test…he counted backwards from infinity…in pig latin.
Back in his bar hopping days with Chuck and Neil in the early 70’s…Chuck and Neil always went home alone.
In elementary school he discovered a new part of the pig…that tastes better than all the other parts put together…this information is now classified above top secret.
He once brokered a piece treaty in South Carolina…between the tomato based and mustard based factions of the BBQ world.
After being shown his collection…Ripley gave away all his stuff on Craigslist for free.
Robin Leach was overwhelmed when given a tour of his house…and promptly asked him to marry him.
He had a full proof plan to rescue those folks on Gilligans Island…but he has too busy fending off the Vorlons at the time
Jesus Christ once asked him what else could he have done…he declined to comment in order to avoid making the big J feel so bad and unworthy…because thats just the kind of guy he is.
He once told Budda to lighten up and take it easy…Budda agreed.
He has found yet another place on the pizza to put cheese…two of them actually.
He was once told he made everybody else look like the 90 pound high school nerd with black horn rim glasses and a pocket protector…by John Wayne, James Dean, James Bond, AND Elvis…he and Elvis still exchange hair care tips regularly.
Everytime Superman moves…he ask him for help (and to watch his back).
After reading his memoirs…Spock wrote back that he felt as if he had spent his whole life as a Harliquine romance novel main character by comparsion.
His book… “A Thousand Ways the Design of the Universe is Fundamentaly Flawed” was not well received…however, God sent a very heartfelt thank you letter and a fruit basket.
He climbed out a black hole using a Walmart step ladder to show it was possible…in both directions.
Pfff. The Stig mocks his accomplishments.
Some say he can’t see the color Fuchsia… and that when mosquitoes bite him, they get drunk.
William Shatner once referred to him as the second most interesting person he knew…and Shatner meant it.
He once referred to himself as the most interesting person he knew…and he was telling the truth.
He gets his 15 minutes of fame…every year or so.
He declined to be the first person on the moon…because he had “better and more important things to do that day”.
Oprah Winfrey gives him 50 percent of her income every year…just to keep him from starting his own talk show.
Every person who has ever been asked for an autograph?..They all have one of his.
Ghengis Khan once wrote him…asking for advice regarding improving self confidence and thinking big.
The biggest brew ha ha Hollywood has ever seen involved him and the Cookie Monster…nobody knows what it was about…and everybody knows not to ask about it.
He once chided JKF…for his lack of vision and ideals.
Once, while trying to recreate his great aunt’s matza ball recipe from memory… he created a gemstone exceeding the best diamonds…he now resides in hiding from the DeBeers company henchmen.
He heritage is 95 percent Cherokee Indian and 85 percent Romanian royalty…it is also 50 percent Hatfield and 50 percent McCoy.
He once wrote Stephen Hawking about a few “simple ideas”…Hawking had a nervous breakdown and hasnt been seen in public since.
He has a thrice removed neer do well second cousin…named Cecil Adams.
He singlehandedly has kept disco alive…in a secret complex located under Girley, Alabama. The yearly expenditure for mirror balls, lava lamps, and black light posters exceeds that of many countries GNP.
He once sang the greatest song in the world, inspiring Tenacious D to make the tribute.
He once destroyed the Universe and made a new perfect world, then destroyed that and remade the Universe exactly as it was before. Just to prove that he could.
Well, that is the only way to avoid losing a debate on the SDMB.
Every time those commercials come on I am completely distracted by the Frontline voiceover guy. 
He won every tic tack toe game he ever played with Bobby Fisher…even when he let Bobby go first.
He once played “stair way to heaven” so well, people were actually using it…till Saint Peter put a stop to it.
He almost won American Idol…but his Ronco karioki machine died at the last moment.
He out dueled “the dueling banjo” kid from Deliverance…with a kazoo.
He lives in Alabama…the Devil never went down to Alabama and never will.
After his trip on the Titanic, he decided traveling by ocean liner was too safe and boring…he feels that way about Zepplins as well.
After a serious conversation with the members of Pink Floyd…they decided they DID need an education.
The Ottawwa Panhandlers Union has a contract out on him…fortunately he just mails his sperm to Canada.
Dick Cheney is afraid of him…and so is Hillary Clinton.
He once told scary stories around a campfire…Stephen King ended up in a psych ward for six months.
You know how the p in pneumonia is silent?..that was his idea.
He made the first dish of spaghetti consisting entirely of left handed noodles.
He made the first 7 layer dip containing 8 layers.
During a time of crisis he helped Bill Cosby…kick his jello addiction.
He is Victoria’s secret
He told the Colonel what the 11th spice needed to be.
He told Godel his theories were incomplete…he also told Bell his theorem was unbalanced.
Vincent Van Gogh cut off his other ear and his nose…after seeing his pre school finger paintings.
Art Bell refused to interview him on the radio…he said no one would believe his life story.
Don Rickles said he hoped he never had to roast him…because he wouldnt be able to think of anything bad to say about him.
Single women and nuns have to meet him wearing sunglasses, ear plugs and a hazmat suit…even then 73 percent of them get the vapors.
He decided that he didn’t like the fourth primary colour, so he had it removed.