He wants to leave his wife for me.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I met this guy at my sisters wedding, he was the best man and I was the matron of honor. We met for the first time Friday night of the rehearsal. He brought his wife and one of his two kids to the church . We joked around while everyone was waiting for the preacher to get there, and during the rehearsal itself. After rehearsal we had a picnic, it was late August and the weather was beautiful for dinner outside . This guy “Rod” and his wife and I all sit at the same table, it was interesting talking to them and getting to know them.

Saturday morning, before the wedding we had pictures taken so we had to be at the church 2 hours before the ceremony. Everyone was in good spirits . I have to admit that I am a giant flirt. I flirt with everyone, I don’t mean anything by it, most of the time I don’t even realize I am doing it. I was very upset with my husband because he didn’t show up with my older two kids. The wedding goes on, and we go to the reception. My husband still hadn’t arrived when it was time to cut the cake and do the toasts. “Rod” knew I was very upset with hubby when we did the bridal party dance, so I may have been crying on his shoulder through the coarse of a dance. Hubby gets to the reception, I dress my older two kids so I can have a picture taken of me with them before the photographer leaves. We ( hubby and I ) have words. He goes and sits down by some family members.

The DJ starts playing some awesome music-- I asked my hubby if he wanted to dance. He did not want to, and he wasn’t very nice to me about it. So, being tired from being up all night the night before decorating the reception hall and getting up very early to get my hair done, I was very emotional. I admit it, he made me cry. It hurts to be rejected by your spouse. In the good spirit of things, I went back on the dance floor and danced the slow songs with my kids, and one dance with the DJ, who felt bad for me.
I didn’t really talk to hubby for the rest of the night, I didn’t want to make things too uncomfortable for those around us.

When the party was over, and sister and her new hubby are ready to take off, everyone left is helping clean up. “Rod” had taken his wife home and came back to help us tear down and put everything away. He asked me if everything was ok, and I told him I would be fine. He invited me and the kids over to his house sometime to ride horses. ( they have a horse farm ) I thanked him and told him I would give him a call because the kids would love to go see the horses.

I never called him. He has called my work several times, he keeps asking my sister for my number. Finally he wrote me a letter. In this letter he says he will leave his wife for me, and he will be a great father to my kids, etc. .

I am a little shocked by this. I know I didn’t say anything to him to infer that I would leave my hubby for him. I am not sure how to handle this. I told my sister today that she could give him my home number and I would talk to him and tell him that I am not interested in him.
How do you, my fellow dopers, suggest I handle this?

2

Run away as fast as you can.

3

Make one contact tell him on NO uncertain terms you want zero contact from him in the future. If he tries to get ahold of you again tell him you consider it stalking and not to bother you again. If he does a strike three call the cops.

4

Faster.

5

Either there is somewhat more to this story or the interaction between you and “Rod” than you have revealed in your OP, or you are dealing with an insane, possibly manic, person. If there is more give us the complete context of what occurred or our advice is useless. If he is simply insane tell him to leave you alone. What does your husband have to say about his overtures?

6

DON’T CALL HIM. Or if you do, not from your phone number. Hearing your voice might be enough to encourage him, no matter what you’re actually saying. Have your sister call him instead.

Or better yet, avoid him at all costs. Take the running away advice.

7

astro, there is more can tell you about him.
He was recently fired from his job, his wife has ms and is in a wheelchair. They don’t appear to be in the best financial situation. I think they are having extreme marital issues.

My husband knows all about this situation, he was sitting at the dining room table when we were talking about it today. All he said was “tell him he can come and get her”. He doesn’t think anything serious will come of it. And he is right, I would never leave him for someone I only met twice.

Besides, “Rod” is not someone I would be attracted to even if I were a single chick.

8

Security expert Gavin de Becker, in his book “The Gift of Fear” (which I heartily recommend to everybody) holds out a rule:

Every response begets six additional weeks of contact.

If you respond to “Rod,” even to tell him that you’re not interested, your response will be met with further attempts to convince you that it would be a good idea for you and he to run off together and leave (what he believes to be) your mutual bad circumstances behind for a life of happiness together.

Leave him be.

If he contacts you again, continue to ignore him unless he ups the ante by showing up somewhere in person or beginning to call you. If he moves to that level, contact the police.

That this came out of nowhere and he’s in an unhappy situation makes this worrisome. It seems that this guy has built up a scenario about the two of you in his mind. Take care, and do not invite this guy to escalate the fantasy that he’s created to a new level.

9

Thanks, TeaElle, that is great advice. Actually, everyone has said pretty much the same thing. I am not going to call him. I already sent my sister an e-mail telling her to not give him my phone number and to have her husband tell him that I am not interested in him and to please stop calling my work number. It may be better coming from him because they are best friends.

10

Nooooo phone calls! No no! This guy has already passed the borders of creepy. While TeaElle’s comment makes a lot of sense, this guy’s under a lot of stress, apparently, and might (might) benefit from ONE contact explaining how things are. In a letter. A typewritten letter. Saying that it’s unfortunate that things were misinterpreted, but that you are not interested, have never been interested, and believe that you never will be interested, and that he is not welcome to communicate further with you in any way. At all. Ever. Period.

Then start with the avoiding.

11

Oops, should have previewed. What I said to put in the letter would be even BETTER coming from your sister’s husband, since the less you’re directly involved, the better.

12

Creepy IMHO. And scary too. Not to mention how I feel about a man wanting to leave his wheelchair bound wife.

Who would want a man who 1) is ready to run away from his wife/marriage when things get tough (I belive in those words In sickness and in health) and b) wants to start a life with someone he hardly knows AND her children. ?

This guy has bad news written all over him. Glad you are going to have your sister’s hubby handle this one.

If that doesn’t work you may have to take legal action. (Sorry but he sounds spooky to me, and not in a Casper the Friendly Hhost kind of way)

13

That should read
(Sorry but he sounds spooky to me, and not in a Casper the Friendly Ghost kind of way)

14

Either have someone else contact him and tell him you are uninterested in extremis, or send all mail back “return to sender NFA” (No Forwarding Address).

If he is willing to leave his current wife for you, there is also the chance that, if things do not work out between you and “Rod”, he may well leave you for someone else.

I’d start on about how he shows a complete lack of respect for your entire family by writing that letter (as well as heaps regarding his own), but this isn’t the Pit.

15

Impossible to tell what’s going on in his mind but my best guess would be he’s desperately unhappy himself, feels trapped without any prospect of escaping and saw an unhappy woman at a wedding – I guess it can make sense on one level if you are quite desperate and simply can’t cope, for whatever reason(s), with a wife suffering from MS.

I’d guess you’d be the pretext in that scenario, one he could justify to himself on the basis that it was ‘fate’ or ‘destiny’ or ‘luck’ that you and he met, rather than the truth of wanting to escaping, or not being able to cope with, a very difficult situation.

Anyway, that’s entirely a guess from a male pov. I don’t think he’s necessarily ‘weird’ or ‘creepy’, just in big emotional trouble and grasping at straws. ‘Lives of quiet desperation’ and all that . . . Life’s kind of sad sometimes . . .

If that’s close to accurate, I suppose it’s right for someone in your position to ignore him. Good luck.

16

I say you run off with him. :smiley:

17

and if it doesn’t work, you can run off with me.
But I need to get my wife’s permission first.:smiley:

18

There is never going to be anything between us to not work out. Again, I must say he is not the type of person I would be attracted to if I were single. Also, the fact he is willing to leave his wife, who depends on him, just freaks me out a little bit.

I should also mention that he never mailed the letters, he gave them to my sister to give to me. She thinks the whole situation is odd. My mom also knows about this and wondered what makes a person just start, in essence, stalking someone. Other than me being mad at my husband on the wedding day, he knows nothing of our relationship.

19

Ignore him. The cold shoulder. The ice treatment. Pretend he doesn’t exist.

20

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by TeaElle *
**Security expert Gavin de Becker, in his book “The Gift of Fear” (which I heartily recommend to everybody) holds out a rule: **

I also strongly recommend this book. The whole premise of it is that humans are the only animals who routinely deny their natural fear instincts. If you are experiening “fear” it is probably reasonable to assume that there is, indeed, a threat to your safety.

In addition to everyone else’s (conflicting) advice, I will add: Ask your sister and her husband not to act as a conduit for this guy. You don’t know if he is a nutjob or just a lonely man seeking a respite from his heart-breakingly sad life. No more passing letters, etc. for him.

mmm…