Headlines We'd Like to See

Republicans Still Unable to Find a Credible Challenger to President Gore

Ingrid Newkirk caught wearing a fur coat and sneaking into steak and shake for a late night burger

**Gynecologist Confirms Virginity of Britney Spears

Tammy Faye Bakker Scrubbed of Makeup - Jimmy Hoffa Found!

Reverend Al Sharpton Undergoes Colonoscopy-Finds Own Head

U.S. announces “FUCK 'EM” Policy. All Foreign Troops Withdrawn, All Foreign Aid Discontinued. $1T Debt Reduction Anticipated

Accident Victim doesn’t Sue. Lawyers Sue Victim for Failure to use Legal to Screw Others. Family Questions Mental Capacity

Researchers Definitively Prove the Hokey-Pokey to be ‘What It’s All About’**

Jedi Knights land on Earth for recruitment drive

“(”“b” “)” spogga can do bold “(”"/b"")"

Oh fuck, no he can’t, shoots cat

Tries again fingers crossed, making right prat of himself, cat ducked

“[”“b”"]" will it, won’t it work “[”“b”"]"

No it won’t, gives up, goes looking for cat.

Affleck Hacks J-Lo to Death, Kills Self

How do you do bold for Gods sake…I have money!!!

[q] In bold [/q]

Now just replace the “q’s” in the brackets with “b’s” and you’re set!

Waterson: "Calvin and Hobbes to Return"
First book in June, Sunday-only strip in papers starting in September

Governor Quinn Appointed UN Secretary-General

All Reality TV Shows and Chessy Sitcoms Cancelled!
900 out-of-work comedians commit mass suicide

God Reveals That Isreali And New Jersey Should Be Switched In Position
Arafat now out-of-work, decides to retire to the Bahamas

Hendrix To Release 43rd Album Tomorrow
Latest release by the 12-time Grammy winner

PM of Australia Convicted of Mail Fraud
Is this the end of Rupert Murdoch PM?

Governor Quinn Can’t Spell

Golden To Receive Pulitzer
Only the second film reviewer to receive one

Ann Coulter And Michael Moore Kill Each Other
Level of public discourse triples within 20 minutes

Saddam Hussein resurfaces as Democratic front runner!

Bush locks self in closet; key lost

Linux wins case against Microsoft ! The monopoly is over…

Oceanic bridges finally built between all contenants.

** Going for it **

Success at last. I love you OPUS and want to bear your children

Steve Irwin eaten by crocodile, Australia rejoices

Roy Attacked by Tiger During Performance
Oh wait…