Heard any good jokes lately?

Cafe Society
81

This is one of my favorites, coming from Jackee the Jokeman.

A young lady calls her mom up one day and says, “Guess what, mom? I’m getting married!”

Her mom replies, “That’s great, honey! Who you getting married to?”

“A Greek guy named Chris!”

“Honey, take some advice from your mother. Never turn over for a Greek guy.”

After they get married, the young lady and her Greek husband have their honeymoon and make love. The husband says, “Wow, honey, that was great! Now turn over.”

“No,” she replies.

“Why not?” he asks.

“My mom told me to never turn over for a Greek guy, so I’m not gonna turn over!”

“How the hell we gonna make babies if you don’t turn over?”

82

Told it to my kid yesterday as he was studying for his German final.
He loved it!
Goes to show you gotta know your audience.

83

Kinky Friedman writes an expanded version of this one in one of his books:

Think of a two digit number, but not one where the digits are the same.
Reverse the digits.
Subtract the smaller number from the larger one.
Add the individual numbers in the answer, then add the individual numbers in the second answer until you get just one number.
Subtract five from that number.
Start with 1=A and get the letter that corresponds to that number.

Of course, the single digit will be 9 which minus 5 is 4, or D.

84

Dan just got married and his friends convince him to come out for a few drinks.
“Ok,” he says, “but just a few. I’ve gotta go home to the wife.”
Well, every time he gets ready to leave his friends convince him to stay for just one more. Eventually he gets pretty drunk, so drunk that he throws up a little and some spew lands on his shirt.
“Oh shit, I just threw up on my shirt! My wife’s gonna kill me!”
"Relax, buddy,"says one of his friends “Here’s what we’re gonna do.” And his friend takes a twenty dollar bill and put’s it in Dan’s shirt pocket. “I’m gonna loan you twenty bucks. Then when you get home you tell your wife someone else threw up on you and gave you twenty to clean your shirt.”
“Brilliant!” says Dan and they drink the night away.

So he shows up at 3:30 am and his wife is pissed.
“Jesus Christ! It’s 3:30! and your drunk!”
“Naw, I’m nod drunk.”
“Yes you are! you threw up on your shirt!”
“No, see, someone else threw up on me. They gave me twenty bucks to clean the shirt.” And he hands the money to his wife.
“There’s forty dollars here.”

Well, after he threw up on my shirt, he also took a crap in my pants.

85

I didn’t make it up, I got it from somewhere and that somewhere probably is traced back to him.

I like the first part…but the success rate will probably plunge as people can’t do simple math right. :slight_smile:

86

This is about the crudest joke I know.
What do you get when you chop a baby in half with an ax?

An erection

87

Is no one going to mention this? Are you Jewish Argent? Because If you’re not you shouldn’t be telling Jew jokes. That’s just common sense 101. Second, even if you are Jewish that is a pretty lame joke. Third that was from a really mean scene in a pretty serious movie… which you found hilarious? So… uncool on multiple accounts.

88

If you have a problem with someone who may not be a jew telling a jew joke, fine. If you think it shouldn’t posted because you think its lame, also fine. But if you seriously have a problem because it makes light of a scene in the movie School Ties, gimme a break.

89

He wasn’t making light of the movie; he thought that scene was legitimately funny… which is, you know, weird.

90

A guy needs to go out of town, so he has a friend of his come over and house-sit for him.

About three weeks laters, the house owner calls home to see what’s up.

“Anything happened while I was gone?”

“Well, yeah. Your cat is dead.”

“Geez”, the guy says, “you shouldn’t just blurt it out like that when it’s something bad. You should lead up to it. You should say, ‘Your cat was playing on the roof. He was having a great time, but his foot slipped, and he fell off. We gathered him up and rushed him to the vet, and the vet did everything he could. Your cat is a fighter, but his injuries were just too much, and he passed away shortly after.’ That’s the way to tell people bad news, OK?”

“OK”, his friend says.

About two more weeks go by, and the guy calls again to see what’s up.

“Anything happened?”

There is a short pause.

“Well, your mother was playing on the roof…”

Regards,
Shodan

91

Three of my favorite crude jokes. I mean un-favorite. They’re just terrible. I would never laugh. Never.

Who killed more Indians than Custer?
Union Carbide

What’s red, slimy, and crawls up a woman’s leg?
A homesick abortion

92

Shodan, your joke reminds of this old Army gag:

The captain calls the tough-as-nails sergeant into his office. “Sgt. Jones, I believe Pvt. Hoskins is in your squad. I just got the word that his mother died last night. He doesn’t know it yet, so I want you to break the news to him. But do it with a little sensitivity, OK?”

The sergeant snaps off a sharp salute. “Leave it to me, sir.”

He goes to the barracks and bawls at the men to fall in. When they’re all lined up he says, “All right, maggots. Everybody whose mother is still alive take one step forward… not so fast there, Hoskins…!”

And the single most disgusting joke I’ve ever heard - consider yourself warned:

Q: How does a hillbilly mom know when her daughter’s having her period?
A: Her son’s dick tastes different.

93

Yuck, that was not a strong enough warning. :smiley:

Please check your Email or visit this thread.

Jim

94

**Elendil’s tasteful offering reminds me of the hillbilly girl who asks her daddy if he’ll take her to the circus. He agrees, provided she gives him a blowjob. She really wants to go to the circus, so she goes down on him, but remarks, “Daddy, your dick tastes like shit.”
To which he responds:Did I tell you your brother is coming to the circus with us?

95

Why is Helen Keller a crappy driver?

Because she’s a woman!

96

A British colonel arrives to take command of a base in the desert. He asks the sergeant-major: “What’s that building there?”

“That’s the mess tent, sir. The men have to eat, you know, all that sort of thing.”

“And what’s that building?”

“The barracks, sir. The men have to sleep, you know.”

“And why is that camel tied up in front of the barracks?”

“Ah, well, sir, there are no women in the camp, and we’re miles from the nearest town, so . . .”

The colonel interrupts. “Stop! That’s filth! I don’t want to hear about it!”

Two weeks go by. The colonel, calling from inside his command tent, summons the sergeant-major and tells him, “Bring that camel over to my tent and tie it up.” The sergeant major does so. “Now bring that stepladder and place it behind the camel.” Done. Then the colonel emerges in a robe, mounts the stepladder, throws his robe open, and begins to . . . well, no pun intended . . .

After a couple of minutes he notices the sergeant-major is watching with slack-jawed amazement.

“Harrumph! See, here, sergeant-major, isn’t this how the men do it?!”

“Well, ermm, not exactly, sir. The enlisted men usually ride the camel into town.”

97

YOU: Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed? Reese something? I can’t remember her last name.

VICTIM: Witherspoon?

YOU: No. With a knife, dumbass!

98

A late-middle-aged widow goes to the Happy Hunting Ground, Miami Beach, and lays out her blanket near a likely-looking gentleman. She says to him, “Gee, mister! You sure are pale!”

“That’s because I just got out of prison.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. I did 25 years for killing my wife. I . . . heh-heh . . . I cut her into pieces with an axe, and cooked her in a stew!”

“Sooooooo! You’re single!”

99

I’ve probably told this one before, but the best jokes are worth repeating, no?

The Eskimo father is reading a nighttime story to his son - Jack and the Beanstalk. So Jack climbs up this giant vine and sneaks into a big house where he sees a goose laying golden eggs. He is about to steal the goose when he hears loud footsteps and a voice saying “Fee Fie Foe Fum, I smell the blood of an englishman.” The ogre comes in and Jack hides in a corner.
At this point the Eskimo boy interrupts “What’s that daddy?”
“An ogre? An ogre is a big giant creature that likes to eat little boys.”
“No, I meant ‘what’s a corner’”?

100

How can you tell when an elephant is having her period?

There’s a quarter on your nightstand and your mattress is gone

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires!
Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out flaming ducks!

Why do elephants put springs on their feet?

So they can jump up into the trees and rape monkeys.
Why should you never go into the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?

Because that’s when the elephants are jumping out of the trees.
Why are pygmies so short?

They went into the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.