Heard any good jokes lately?

Cafe Society
101

A man walks up to a bar door, on the door there is a piece of paper and on it says.
“Unlimited beer for life, complete three tasks!”

So the man walked into the bar and walked over to the bar tender, sitting down and asking the bar tender: “Ok, so what are the tree tasks? I want my unlimited beer.”

The bar tender laughed and looked at the man. “Ok the first thing you have to do is chug down the hardest liqur in the world! Second you must give a girl an orgasm that has never had one before. And third you have to pull out and aligators tooth.”

The man nodded his head. “I’ll do it.”
So the bar tender grabbed the bottle of the liqur and handed it to the man. The man quickly chugged it down. Then the bar tender pointed towards the a door, the man got up and stumbled around a bit making his way over to the door.

The man went into the room, and within seconds there was grunting, screaming, yelling, banging, smashing and crashing.
Then the man comes out, with scratches and bruises all over this body and said.

“Ok, where is the girl that needs her tooth pulled.”

102

I’ve heard that joke from my Catholic husband, and I think it’s pretty damn funny. Of course I find most Jewish jokes funny, especially the ones that seem anti-Semitic. I also enjoyed School Ties immensely.

Oh, yeah. And I’m Jewish. You don’t have to be anti-Semitic or self-hating to enjoy anti-Semitic Jew jokes.

Robin

103

I sorta stole this one from Paul Lynde:

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Make him bark.

104

An 85 year old man (who happened to be extremely wealthy) visited his physician. “So how’s life treating you these days, old friend?” asked the doctor casually.

“Life couldn’t be better! I just got married to a 21 year old blonde with huge knockers!” replied the man.

“Oh really?” asked the doctor, a bit hesitantly.

“And even better news is that she’s pregnant with my child!” exclaimed the ecstatic man.

With a heavy sigh, the doctor sat down and spoke calmly to his longtime patient. “Let me tell you a little story,” he said. “A short while ago, I went on a weekend hunting trip. On the first night, I imbibed a bit too heavily while sitting around the campfire, and was not thinking clearly the next morning. Instead of taking my rifle with me on that morning’s expedition, I took an umbrella. Anyway, after prowling through the woods for a while, I came across a huge grizzly bear. The bear, apparently a mother, saw me venture too close to her cub and she lunged toward me very suddenly. Filled with fear, I grabbed the umbrella (that I still mistakenly believed to be my rifle), aimed at the bear and hit the switch, thinking I was firing.”

“So what happened?” asked the concerned 85 year old.

“The bear keeled over dead.” replied the doctor.

“That’s impossible! Somebody else must have shot that bear!” exclaimed the old man.

“That” said the physician “is what I’m trying to tell you now.”

105

What’s white and fluffy and crawls up your leg?

Uncle Ben’s Perverted Rice.

106

A guy dies and wakes up in Hell. He sees the Devil standing over him with a big grin. Guy says, “I wonder if there might be some mistake. I wasn’t so bad . . .”

The Devil puts his arm around him, shoves a cold beer in his hand, and says, “Aw, don’t you worry, son! We get a bad rap upstairs, but take from me, Hell is a party! F’rinstance . . . Do you drink?”

“Well, I’ve been known to bend my elbow occasionally . . .”

“All right, today’s Sunday! On Sundays we drink! Everything, man! Beer, whisky, vodka, tequila, fine wine, brandy . . . You’re gonna love it! You’re gonna love Sunday! Let’s see . . . Do you like to do drugs?”

“Well, I might have snorted a line here and there . . .”

“OK, tomorrow’s Monday! On Monday everybody in Hell does drugs! Everything, man! Pot, coke, smack, LSD, esctacy, ‘shrooms, meth . . . We’ve got Timothy Leary workin’ on new recipes! If Jerry Garcia likes it, we all do it! You’re gonna love it! You’re gonna love Monday! Let’s see . . . Are ya gay?”

“Oh, no! I never swung that way!”

“Ooh! You’re not gonna like it on Tuesday!”

107

Tuesday’s your day in the barrel :wink:

108

A guy goes into a whorehouse but he only has $10. He’s shown into a room and comes running out a few minutes later. “What’s wrong with that girl?! She’s foaming at the mouth!”

The madam says, “Hey, Mike, the dead one’s full again!”

109

I first read that joke in Hustler when I was about 7. I’m so glad to see it hasn’t been lost to the ages.

110

Cletus, the mountain man, came down out of the mountains and walked into town for provisions.
He noticed there didn’t seem to be any women in town. Cletus stopped at the bar before heading back into the hills to have himself a drink.
“Bartender,” Cletus said. “I noticed there ain’t no women in town. Whatcha all do for… you know… fun?”
“Well there’s always old Bill down there at the end of the bar,” the Bartender replies.
“Oh no, I ain’t into that!” Cletus said, and headed out for the hills.

3 years passes, and Cletus comes back into town for another drink. Still no women in town.

“What do you all do for fun these days?” Cletus asks the bartender.
“Oh, there’s stll old Bill, down the end of the bar,” the bartender replies, polishing a glass.
“I ain’t into that, I told you last time,” Cletus yells, and heads back into the mountains.

5 more years go by, and Cletus heads into town for a drink.
“Still no women, I see,” he noted to the bartender. “Whatcha folks do these days?”
The bartender just motions towards old Bill, down at the end of the bar.
“I ain’t into that! But… if I were… who all would have to know?” Cletus asked.
“Well,” the bartender replies. “You, me, old Bill of course, and those two big guys over at that table.”
“What? You, me, and Bill I understand, but why those guys?”
“Bill ain’t into that either.”

111

I’m also Jewish and I happen to love Jewish jokes. But, I can’t say I’ve had many gentiles tell a jewish joke to me, certainly none I wasn’t friendly with. I haven’t heard any black jokes told in here. I think it’s because people would find it crude and offensive to do so in a public forum. Why is this different?

I walked into a thread of off color jokes about farts and seal blowjobs, and then all of sudden someone retells the joke the bigot tells in school ties. I’m sorry if I took a double take, but I still think it was in poor taste.

112

Guy walks into a bar, orders three beers - “and bring them all at the same time.” The bartender thinks, well, probably his two buddies will be here any minute. So the bartender brings the three beers.

No such thing. The guy drinks one after another, then orders three more, “all at the same time.” By this time the bartender is puzzled, but does as he’s asked.

As the guy pays up, the bartender casually observes, “Hey, I could bring them one after another and then they’d still be cold when you drank them.” The guy says, “No, let me explain. I’ve just moved to the west coast for a better job, but I left my two drinking buddies back on the east coast - this is my way of pretending we’re still together.” The bartender of course thinks, awww…

This goes on for a few weeks, but then the guy comes into the bar and orders two beers, both at the same time. He drinks them, then orders a couple more, drinks them, then orders a couple more, and drinks them.

The guy goes to pay up, but the bartender says, “No, on the house. Something bad must have happened to one of your friends, and I’m really sorry for you.” The guy says, “Nah, it’s like this - I’ve been getting a beer belly, so I’ve decided to quit drinking.”

113

Isn’t that actually the same joke as McGreggor the fence builder? :wink:

Here’s one:

The Department of Labor received a tip that a farmer in Kansas was underpaying his help. So they sent an agent to interview him;

The agent told the farmer, “I need a list of all your employees and how much you pay them.”

The farmer started, “Well, I have a hired hand. He’s been with me for three years and I pay him $600 a week, plus give him room and board.”

“Go on”, said the agent.

“Then, I have a cook. She’s been with me for six months. I pay her $400 a week. Plus room and board.”

“Anyone else?” asked the agent.

“I have a half-wit who works here for eighteen hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and give him chewing tobacco.”

The agent said, “I’d really like to speak to this half-wit.”

“You’re talking to him,” said the farmer.

114

Better spoken aloud with the proper accents, but here goes:
This gay guy prances into an Old West bar. He squeals “I looove the Old West, it’s so fabulous. Can I have a martini?” The bartender just grunts and slides over his drink.

A short while later, he looks around and notices the bar is empty, “Pardon me, but there’s no one here, where is everyone?”

The bartender grunts “They’re on the hill hanging some homo”.

The gay guy pounds the bar and loudly growls “Well, NO SHIT!”

115

Here is another one I like:

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

116

There’s a man fishing and he finally catches this big heavy fish. A nun that was nearby sees this. He says “Sister, look at this big son-of-a-bitch!!”
“Oh my!” says the nun, “please don’t use such language in front of me”
“No sister” replies the man, “that’s what it’s called… it’s called a son-of-a-bitch”
“Oh… ok, well in that case I suppose it’s alright… let’s take it to the seminary, I’ll scale it so we can cook it”
They go and meet a priest inside. The nun says: “father, prepare the marinade, we’re cooking this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight”
The priest shocked replies “Sister! What’s come over you?! You know we don’t use that kind of language, especially in this sacred house”
“It’s alright father” said the nun, “The fish is actually called a son-of-a-bitch”
“Oh, alright, It’s quite big, I’ll help you prepare it for tonight”
While scaling and preparing the fish for cooking, the bishop walks in.
“I smell fish, what are we having for dinner tonight?”
“This son-of-a-bitch that this nice man caught earlier today” Said the priest, “Will you help us cook it? you are after all the best chef around here”
“How dare you use such language in front of me?!” yells out the bishop, “Why I’ve never heard such disrespect in the house of God coming from an exemplary priest such as yourself”
“You don’t understand bishop, the fish is called a son-of-a-bitch… that is its name”
“Oh… well let’s cook it!”
They proceeded on in the kitchen. That night they were expecting the pope to come visit the seminary and they thought they’d surprise him with such a fine feast.

When the pope arrives, they’re all sitting at the dinner table enjoying the meal. At some point the pope, impressed, blurts out: “My brothers and sisters, this is the finest meal I have had in a long time!”
“Thanks your holiness” said the fisherman, “I caught the son-of-a-bitch!”
nun - “And I scaled the son-of-a-bitch!”
priest - “And I marinated the son-of-a-bitch”
bishop - “And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch!”

After a brief pause, the pope lays back a little bit and puts his feet up on the table, staring at them, and exclaims: “You fuckers are alright!”

117

Thanks, Amber. I hadn’t thought of that one in some time.
That’s a fun joke to tell.

And welcome to the boards.

118

A guy walks into a bar and sits down, orders five shots of tequila, no salt, no lime, just bring 'em. Bartender lines them up, the guy downs three of them, takes a deep breath, takes the other two.

The bartender says, “Hey buddy, what’s the occasion?”

“My first blowjob.” The guy says.

“well why didn’t you say so?” the bartender says, “Let me get you one more, on the house!”

Before the bartender walks away the guy says,

“No no, don’t do that. If the first five don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

119

A man walks into a bar, slaps his hand down and says, “I’ve got terrible news. Gimme ten shots. Line 'em up, right here.”

The bartender pours ten shots, and the guy pounds them down, one after another. “So what’s the bad news?” the bartender asks as the man slams the last glass down.

“I’m flat broke,” says the man.

An elderly couple has always had a vigorous sex life. Then the man gets the news from his doctor: he has a serious heart condition and can never have sex again. The man and his wife talk it over and agree to sleep in separate bedrooms to avoid temptation: she will remain upstairs in their longtime bedroom, while he’ll sleep on a cot set up in the living room.

The first night away from his wife in decades, the man tosses and turns. The second night is no better. Finally, on the third night, the man throws aside his blankets and creeps up the stairs. He’s surprised to bump into his wife halfway up.

“Honey,” he whispers, “I have to admit, I just can’t stay away from you. I was coming upstairs to commit suicide.”

She smiles. “That’s good, sweetie, because I was just coming downstairs to kill you.”

A sheltered, callow young Catholic priest is puzzled in the confessional when a man admits his many sins, including “Getting a blowjob downtown for $20.” The priest goes to his abbot and asks, “Father, what’s a blowjob?”

The abbot looks at him eagerly. “$20, same as downtown!”

120

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: “Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. So just let it go, Dave.”

But invariably a second voice in his head would bring him back to his
guilt by whispering: “Dave… Dave… Dave… you’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”

A long one but:

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
He says, “There’s no charge.”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice.

“So I switched the heads”