I hope this is the right forum for this and there truly is some kind of answer for the question. My teenage daughter, the Hawklette, has a friend who is gay. He’s 18, a senior, and his parents have just found out about his orientation. He did not choose to tell them, but was outed by someone else. Their reaction was not good. According to my daughter and her friends, his father “disowned him,” although he hasn’t thrown him out of the house. His mother thinks he can “be cured.” He was supposed to go off to college next year; we don’t know if the purse strings will close up on account of this. More importantly, the young man is extremely depressed and, if they are not exaggerating, sounding suicidal.
I don’t know him, nor do I know his parents (who have been described to me as “very traditional Chinese”), so I can’t exactly butt in with a word of kindness, encouragement or exhortation to any of the parties directly affected. I have suggested to the kids that they get in touch with PFLAG and see if they have any material, brochures or whatever, that might be helpful either to the boy or to his parents. Is there anything else I can suggest to them to help? They are worried about him, and so am I.
I think getting in touch with PFLAG is a great idea. They might have parents (and their gay kids) who have gone through the same situation and be able to offer support to the boy if he wants someone to talk to. Seeing parents who are accepting of their gay kids (and not necessarily always that way) will definitely help him realize there is hope.
I think the only thing your daughter and friends can really do is to let him know that they are there for him and are routing for him.
Suicide for gay teens is a very real threat.
I would suggest you make a visit to the local high school counselor and explain your fears and get a feel to how helpful (or unhelpful) that person can be. It is not butting in. It is being a concerned parent - even if the boy is not your child.
I agree that PFLAG is a good organization, but not all parents are receptive to their efforts.
I think your daughter might be in the best position to get a read on how the boy is doing, what the other classmates are thinking and sensing what is happening. I don’t know how close she is to this guy, but if she could invite him to the house and you could meet him and let him know there are other options, that would be very helpful.
I think it is great that you are concerned and trying to do something. Please keep us posted!
Actually, it probably would be helpful if she did pursue this.
Because almost any reputable physchologist or psychriatrist (sp?) (that is, excluding the “christian counselors”) she consults nowadays is likely to tell her that it can’t be “cured”, it isn’t a “disease”. And also, like Sigmund Freud said decades ago; people can’t “change” their sexual orientation. Indeed, a modern doctor is likely to tell her that she and her husband are the ones who need counseling, to help them deal with their phobic response to their sons honesty .
She’s likely to get angry and storm out of the office of the first doctor to tell her this, but after going to 4 or 5 who say basically the same thing, it might begin to sink in. At least, it might raise a bit of self-doubt about her homophobic reaction.
punha, the emotional independence is going to be difficult for him. He doesn’t want to “ruin” his family. He has been forbidden to speak to his 8-year old brother! (Gosh, it might be catching, hunh?)
At least, accordiing to my daughter, he has a raft of friends who love and respect him (fully aware he’s gay; he’s pretty open at school, which is how it got back to his folks, I guess). And the school does have good counselors, whom I hope he will see. DMark, I know one of them personally, and he’s a pearl of a man. If the boy hesitates to see him, those kids will go to him themselves and let him know what’s going on. Doesn’t sound like his parents would want to see anyone as well, though. This kid is in the theater production the Hawklette’s working on right now and she says he wouldn’t let them down, he’ll see the show through. So that gives them a few weeks to rustle up some extra support.
On a more optimistic note, when we were discussing this over lunch, the attitude of the kids was a kind of “Sheesh, I thought people were so over this already! What’s to get upset about, anyway?” It doesn’t keep them from understanding his plight and helping him, and it bodes well for the future in general if this attitude is making headway in their generation.
SparrowHawk, does your friend have access to the 'net? I would suggest that he go to Youth Guardian Services and sign up for one of their mailing lists. They have helped thousands of gay kids get through all kinds of stuff. It’s a youth run server, with strict regulations as to the age barriers of the list, very safe.
P-FLAG is a great option, if there’s one nearby. Also, if you live near a big city, there may be some kind of GLBT Community Center with counselors geared toward this kind of stuff.
Tell your friend to hang in there. With the support of friends like you, he’s going to be fine.
SparrowHawk, I hope the Hawklette or a counselor can make him understand that he isn’t the one bent on ruining the family. He’s the same person he ever was, but now his parents know something new about him and can build a more realistic relationship based on fuller knowledge of their child. BTDT when iampunha came out to his dad and me.
These parents apparently have a choice. They can accept their son and their new image of their family – which will take some time, because there is real mourning involved of the parents’ family image and their image of their son. Or they can preserve their prejudices and lose their son.
I guess they could try that “curing” business, because there are people out there who will give it a try and hurt that poor young man in the process. But that really isn’t a solution.
I’m not really telling you all this, I’m telling the Hawklette. Maybe there is a way she can tell her friend all this.
I’m praying for the young man and for your daughter.
If you really want to help, one thing you can do isthe legwork of finding out about PFLAG or similair groups that meet in your area, when they meet, what sort of enviroment they have, call ahead etc., then lay out to him exactly where and when he should go and what he should expect to find there.
That sort of administrative stuff is very obvious to (most) adults and very difficult for (many) teens.
Eventually, of course, they have to learn to do that sort of thing themselves or suffer the consequences, but I think in this case it would be appropriate to get them over the administrative inertia.
Thank for the links and suggestions. There is a PFLAG meeting nearby this Wednessday and I’ve offered to drive him over if he wants. If not this Wednesday, any Wednesday thereafter. My daughter will be giving him the link to the YGS group. Right now, we need to get through the initial “This is hopeless, I have to live a lie or kill myself” reaction and let him know there ARE other choices.
I remember going through a seriously hard time with my family when I was 18, also. I was very lucky and had a handful of my friend’s parents who made it known they would help me. It made all the difference in the world. Even though I was technically an adult, I still was green to alot about the world, and I knew it. I commend you on your concern and willingness to get involved. You may never know the difference you have made.
And what niblet_head said – what you are doing will mean a lot to your daughter’s friend in the long run. It certainly means a lot to me as a mother to know that somebody is protecting a child, any child.
