My 16 year-old son and I had a conversation today about gay people. I’ve talked to him about sexuality of differing types through the years, and have always told him that whatever sexuality someone has is not their choice, and have always encouraged him to be accepting and non-discriminatory of all people. However, as we all know, we’re not our children’s only source of info and opinion. Today he told me that he thinks that gay people might have chosen to be gay. I asked him to think back to the day when he chose to be straight- he couldn’t remember that. I asked him how he thought that someone would choose to be ostracized, picked on, discriminated against, etc.- that made some impact but he’s still on the fence.
After much more conversation about the myriad of ways people are born, i.e. gay, transgender, etc., he indicated that he needs more information to figure out about gay people. I’m sure he’s not confused about his own sexuality- he’s definitely straight- but we live in a very conservative area of the country and he has a lot of exposure to bigots and ignorant people, and he hears things about sexuality that aren’t necessarily true. I don’t want him to firmly grasp onto these wrong ideas about gay people but I do want him to learn and figure things out. So I asked him if it would help him to talk to a gay person about their own experiences and understanding. He said yes, it would help him.
My aunt was gay and would have been a great person for him to talk to about it, but she’s dead. I have a few gay Facebook friends, but not close ones- more like acquaintances. I don’t really have any good friends or people that I’m close to that are gay, that I know of. Not because of any prejudice on my part- I didn’t avoid having close gay friends, it just happened like that.
How can I help my son find someone to talk to about this, while he is still so young and open and willing to learn? Would it be offensive to someone that’s gay for me to ask them to talk to him about it? I wouldn’t want them to feel like some kind of circus animal or something.
See if there is a local GLBT (or LGBT) center. Call them and see if there is a youth program there. These are usually drop in centers where youth are free to meet and talk to people of other sexualities without questions being asked. If he can talk to these youths in a casual setting he can form his opinions better.
You also might check Facebook (or Google+) and see if there is a gay youth group there. Here also, he can ask questions and receive answers from people his own age. The first option, though, would be the best.
Did you try asking him if he could think of any reasons a person might choose to be gay? That might get him to realize that no one chooses it.
You also might log him onto the website itgetsbetter.org, and see some of the pain that LGBT youth go through. It should be obvious that no one chooses that. People don’t need that kind of reassurance the website provides if it weren’t pretty bad in the beginning.
He may be confused by the fact that living out is a choice, as opposed to living a closeted life (which is true, but point out how ridiculous it would be to ask, say, Jews, to live closeted lives as Jews to make Christians more comfortable), or he may have heard of “restorative therapy,” which is a complete load. It’s hard to know what he means by choice unless you ask him.
Good ideas. We will immediately go to itgetsbetter together, and I will definitely look into taking him to a youth center to speak to someone directly. I didn’t even think of that.
Despite your good intentions, I have to say that I am more than a little uncomfortable with the idea of educating a confused young person about homosexuality by emphasizing how miserable it is to be homosexual.
He likes girls, right? Well, there are some girls who like other girls the same way he likes girls. And there are some guys who like other guys. It’s not complicated.
This. Our local GLCC (Community Center) does a lot with education of all kids; gay and straight. They have also been able to do some outreach with some of the local schools. I can’t say enough good for what they have done around here.
It’s not that doesn’t understand what it MEANS. He’s not retarded. But we live in the south currently, and he associates with a lot of Christians and conservatives, and many of those people have different views on this subject than I do. He’s naturally trying to figure out what’s going on- I taught him this but they’re teaching him that, and so on.
As far as teaching him that gay people are miserable, I will consciously try not to give him that idea and I see where you’re coming from.
Ask him what he thinks (us) gay or lesbian folks do in their day-to-day life. Outside of the bedroom, most of us lead pretty boring lives: cook breakfast, drop off the kids at school, go to work, spend time with the partner/spouse and family, bitch about the boss, go out for brunch once a week, that kind of stuff. We aren’t all that different from straight people, after all.
Why am I recommending this little exercise? If someone knows no gay people IRL and knows of the LGBT community only through the demonstrations and pride parades and drag shows**, it is possible for them to assume that we are somehow different people leading a fundamentally different lifestyle. Of course, it doesn’t help that some religious preachers demonize homosexuality as well.
**Of course, I am not suggesting that pride rallies and drag shows are “wrong” in any way, just that straight people wouldn’t relate to it.
I feel wrong (Lord, I apologize) for putting ‘gay’ before all of those activities when I read them. An old stand up clip popped into my head. I didn’t know who it was so it was kind of a PITA to track down, but here it is (mildly NSFW).
Or you can wait until like me, his first job is with a boss whos gay and loves to hit on the young men who work for him. Nothing better than to have some sleezy old fart wanting to rub up to you to give an impression of gay people.
I had my first same-sex fantasy at the age of 5. For some reason, that seems to be a common year for many of us to have our first inklings of our sexuality. Ask your son how on earth could a 5-year-old make an informed choice about something he knows nothing about, that will stick with him for his entire life. It has to be something that was a part of me since, or before, birth.
And yes, we are in most ways the same boring people as everyone else. And we are no more miserable than you are.
PFLAG is a great suggestion. They do amazing work.
And thank you so much for talking with your son about this.
One thing that might help would be to tell your son that there are people who claim homosexuality is a choice is order to justify their religious or political beliefs. It’s easier to condemn gayness as a sin or a perversion if you think it’s a choice. That is, their beliefs come not from evidence, but from the conclusions they want to reach.
You might also point out that there are programs that try to “cure” homosexuality. These generally fail, and make their subjects miserable whether they’ve entered the programs voluntarily or through some sort of coercion (e.g. parents sometimes force their kids into these programs). If homosexuality were just a choice, you’d expect these programs to be a lot more successful.
There’s also the word of gay people themselves. Many of them say they knew they were gay from a young age, even from before puberty.
You could also ask your son why he believes it’s a choice. Where did he get this misinformation? It could be easier to argue against it if you know where it’s coming from.
Another thing that may help is to ask: even if it were a choice, why would that matter? Why would that make it a wrong choice, or a choice that others have the automatic right to condemn or interfere with?
There is a real difference in how some people view the idea of sexuality.
Some view sexuality as being defined by sexual acts. This view comports with the “It’s a choice” view of homosexuality. A person can, after all, choose to engage in certain sexual acts regardless of his/her feelings.
Others view sexuality as being defined by feelings and desire. This view comports with the “It’s part of who I am” view of homosexuality. A person has little control of which gender(s) he/she finds sexually attractive.
Ask you son which of those views seem to make sense to him about his heterosexuality. Why would it be any different for homosexuals?
I wouldn’t push this (or any) book on him if he’s not interested, but I recently read What’s Wrong with Homosexuality? by John Corvino. Corvino is a philosophy professor who’s toured the country having public debates about same-sex marriage (Corvino is on the “pro” side) with Focus on the Family’s Glenn Stanton (the “anti” side).
The book describes common arguments against homosexuality and gay rights like “It’s not natural” and “God said it, I believe it, that settles it” and presents Corvino’s rebuttals. The book is pretty short and is written in a clear, informal style. Corvino discusses some of his personal experiences as a gay man and how his relationship with his partner is an important part of his life. This particular book might also be helpful for your son because Corvino talks about being respectful of one’s opponents and how he and Stanton have come to see each other as friends despite their differences.
Some people collect ceramic frogs, others collect fuzzy poodles. The ceramic frog collectors can’t understand why anyone would collect fuzzy poodles, and vice-versa.
I think the “born with it” or “choice” debate misses the middle ground: that people can be homosexual sometimes, and heterosexual sometimes (which is not the same as being bisexual, which they can also be sometimes) and that absolutely none of that is choice, *nor *is it fixed at birth.
Kinsey himself said that his famous scale was only useful for a specific period of time in a person’s life, and that if you rated them at another time, they might score differently. So this argues against fixed orientation (“born with it”) but it does not indicate choice.
Experiences, environment, hormonal influence…lots of things may affect one’s sexual orientation without being in the control or choice of the individual.
So, I wouldn’t actually argue with him too much with the resistance to the idea that gay people are born that way. Maybe some are, perhaps even most are, but not all. And maybe there are few orientation-fluid people who *can *choose to put themselves in environments and have experiences that allow them to shift their orientation to gay. The real point is whether that means it’s a *bad *thing to be gay.
In other words, I agree with Mangetout. Even if it is a choice…so what?
There are people out there who make the choice to engage in hot sauce endurance contests with their friends. I think it’s stupid. It’s not a choice I would make. But what they’re choosing to do with their time and their bodies is not hurting me in any way whatsoever, so why should I care about their choice?