A college friend asked me to be Best Man in his wedding, which is coming up in two weeks, and I’ve never done this before. It is a bit of a logistical problem, because I live in Miami FL, he lives outside of Atlanta GA, and the wedding is taking place in Charleston SC. If we were all together, I know I could plan more and do more, but as it is, I’ve never been to Charleston, and I’m not even getting there until the day before the wedding.
He doesn’t expect a crazy bachelor party with lesbian dominatrix strippers popping out of a cake, which is good, because I’d have no idea how and where to set that up in advance in an unfamiliar city. I intend to take him out for a ncie evening eating and drinking, but it would just be a nightmare to plan anything too far beyond that. I don’t know the other guests who are coming (not even his other friends), so I’m at a loss there, and some etiquette websites say that one of my duties is to compile seating arrangements and command the ushers. I don’t even know who the ushers are!
Needless to say, I’ve been trying to communicate a lot with both my friend and the bride’s mother, but this has not been easy (the fact that we’re all in different cities isn’t helping.) The whole thing seems so disorganized to me, so I can only imagine how much they must be stressing. I want to be there for my friend on his wedding day, but I have no idea what they want, what they expect of me, or even how to find out (and I suspect they’re not entirely sure either). At least we’re both wearing suits, so I don’t have to worry about renting and returning tuxes for both of us. But I’d appreciate any advice!
Having disposed of the idiotic bachelor party schtick, your only remaining obligations are the ring, the toast, and the dance.
Traditionally, (and this may not be true for all social groups) the groom hands the ring to the best man before the wedding so that the groom does not forget to bring it to the altar. At the appropriate moment, the person officiating will ask for the rings and you will bring the ring(s) out of your pocket and hand it (them) to the groom.
At the reception dinner, you will be expected to toast the couple. Whether the toast is syrupy or more like a roast depends on the people involved. (If you are familiar with the crowd, you can figure this out. If you are not familiar with the crowd, I would avoid regaling them with tales of past drunken orgies or horror tales of the grooms previous girlfriend(s).) The timing will be determined by the way the reception has been organized. The two most common times I have seen toasts have been just after the last table has been served (problematic if there are so many people that the wedding party has already finished eating) and just before anyone is served (problematic if everyone is starving and not willing to shut up and listen to you). There should be some sort of planner on site to give you the high sign.
When the dances start, after the couple and their parents have wandered around the floor a couple of times, you should take the hand of the maid/matron of honor and lead her around the floor. (The DJ or band leader will probably tell you when to do this, so it does not take much thought.)
Beyond that, there are local traditions you may need to worry about, but you should not be expected to know them, so just go have a good time.
BBVLou - I haven’t much time and I am sure other Dopers will do a better job, but here’s what comes to mind:
Organize the batchelor party - no strippers, IMHO is a good thing. A good dinner and drinks - maybe shooting pool or something - is good. Obviously, you make the reservations to places, plan the evening and get attendees to cough up extra $$ to cover the groom’s costs. During the event, you should decree - probably before dinner is served - when toasts should be made and you lead off. These should be short, silly and fun - the heartfelt honorable ones come during the actual ceremony. Let all attendees know they have the option of doing one, but make sure at least one or two besides you (at least) do one. Also, it is common, but not necessary to have attendees bring gag gifts - blow-up sheep, bad man-underwear, etc…
Spend the night before the wedding with the batchelor - just hang out and have a few drinks - be there for him to shoot the shit or deal with any last-minute stuff he needs to get off his chest. Unless he specifies a group, make sure there is sufficient mellow time with just you two in case he needs to talk. Or not talk, as the case may be.
Hold the rings - 'nuff said. You should have them and guard them with your life.
Ensure the ceremony goes smoothly. Find out what the groom (and perhaps bride) is most anxious about. You run interference - manage ushers; deal with the complaining florist, heck, bribe the band with some money to play a little longer - whatever you can do that the wedding party clearly would benefit from you doing. If the bride or a mother or dad in the wedding party is a complete control junky, stay out of the way, but you should keep your antennae out to intercept trouble. Oh, a classic is dealing with drunk and/or obnoxious guests at the reception. Pour them into cabs and get them to their hotel (or have someone escort them to their rooms - you don’t go yourself because you have to stay on watch). Bottom line - you are the chief of staff for the wedding to try to deal with any unpleasantness that may occur. You may not get drunk, you may not disappear with a bridesmaid, you may not allow anyone or anything get in the way of your friend having the best wedding possible.
I am sure I am missing something, but those are the things that come to mind. I am not a big fan of strippers (as mentioned), trashing the car they drive off in or encourage a shove of cake in the face. They sound cute on paper but are really just immature. Honor your friend and do what you can to make sure all they remember is good stuff.
I was told that the groom isn’t expected to deal with monetary issues that day, so the best man is expected to pay or provide tips to the band, officiant, florist or whoever else needs to be paid that day. Is anyone else familiar with that custom?
I’ve never heard of this custom. (I would, thus, put it under the category of “local customs you’re not required to support.” You might want to give the bride a call (I am guessing that she is the one living where the ceremony will be conducted) and ask her about odd best man customs.
Gee, I wonder if I can go back after 20 years and beat that money out of my best man? I was the out-of-town groom and I covered all that stuff, myself.
Voodoo Lou - Right, what you said. Basically, the groom isn’t supposed to be worried about money that day (as for the days leading up to, those are not your problem;)). I gave my brother, who was my best man, several envelopes clearly marked with names and job positions the night before. These envelopes had money in 'em. My money. I also acted in this capacity at a friend’s wedding, though I was not best man. (The best man was my friend’s brother, and had no clue. I think he was drunk during the ceremony.) This might not be something that your friend expects you to do, but to offer the night before would probably lift a weight off of his shoulders that he didn’t even know was there.
I also agree with pretty much everything WordMan has to say on the subject. Especially #4.
Your duties are to do whatever the groom needs you to do to make sure things go smoothly. That might include things like helping decorate the ceremony and reception sites. It might include running to pick up black socks because everybody forgot them and the bride refuses to be seen in public with a man wearing white athletic socks with a tuxedo. It might include being the designated drunk wrangler so that various relatives don’t cause a nasty scene. It might include keeping the rest of the bridal party from wandering off during the picture-taking. (This is a big one, as people figure they’re not in this shot, wander off, and then everybody has to stand around waiting while they’re rounded up for the next picture. It can turn into a truly gigantic pain in the ass, as well as throwing off the schedule and upsetting the bride and groom. If the bride doesn’t have somebody to take care of this, she’ll likely wish she did, so be a nice guy and bring it up to her, okay?)
What you need to do is ask your friend what, exactly, he needs or wants you to do. Then you need to contact the bride and ask if there’s anything else you can do to help them out before, during, or after the wedding. (Most weddings really need people to stick around and help clean up afterward, but couples hate to ask anybody to do it, so make the offer. They’ll love you forever.)
If the groom doesn’t show up due to circumstances beyond his control, you are (or so I’ve heard) supposed to stand in for him at the ceremony. Not sure if this actually happens.
If the groom chickens out at the last moment, you’re supposed to drive the getaway car.
Strippers and whores, while usually appreciated, are not really mandatory. Call Eastern Onion for a belly dancer. They’re mildly titillating, and even the minister can’t seriously object.
Maybe I was reading quickly, but one of the most important functions wasn’t mentioned. As best man, you pick up the Groom & drive him to the church. **Unless specifically told that he intends to back out, ** your job is to make sure he’s dressed & in the back of that church before the organ starts the Bridal March. We’re talking throwing him over your shoulder & doing the deadman’s carry at a light jog if you have to. Before the ceremony, you have to make sure he’s emptied his bladder, is awake, and has had some coffee. (while getting the coffee, you must make sure he doesn’t wonder off)
Basically, assume he’s age 3 and you’re the babysitter.
As always, should you or any of your groomsmen be killed or captured, the Bride will disavow any knowledge of your actions…
A good alternative to the traditional bachelor party is a group activity such as golfing - or bowling, or whatever the groom enjoys - that all the groomsmen can participate in together (and perhaps the father of the bride, father of the groom, and other men you feel it would be appropriate to invite). This gives the groom a chance to relax with his buddies before the wedding without the drunkenness and strippers.
One custom that’s popular where I live is to steal the bride and groom between the dinner and dance. The groomsmen “kidnap” the bride and the bridesmaids “kidnap” the groom. If you do this, treat the bride like a queen. Make sure she doesn’t pay for her own drinks, and that everyone knows that she is the queen of the day. Keep an eye out for her and make sure nobody’s trying to get her too drunk … or hit on her, God forbid.
After reading all these stories, I’m glad my brother’s wedding (for whom I was the Best Man) was much more low-key than your typical one. There was no massive reception dinner so I only had to toast the couple at the rehearsal dinner. No drinking at the (buffet-style, informal) reception, so no drunk-wrangling. My brother’s college chums already took care of the strip-club visit, so all I had to do was tell embarassing stories at his roast. I did have to carry the ring, escort the maid of honor, and drive them from the ceremony to reception. All in all, I’d say I got off easy.
BBVLou, I’d say your duties really depend on the couple and who’s planning the wedding. If it’s well-planned, your duties should fall right out. If not, you may have to pick up some of the reigns. As far as bachelor-party-type stuff, that also depends on the groom, but if you’re unsure, stick to “safer” entertainment options.
My Best Man put together a nice bachelor party where we went to a couple of bars, hung out and had a good time. I did not want to go to the nudie bar (I’m just not a nudie bar kind of guy), and he did not make me.
On the day of the wedding, he picked me up at my apartment, realized how early we were, stopped by a local watering hole for a beer, told me how I was making the right move, and drove me to the wedding site.
At the wedding site, he kept me separate from my bride (no easy task in a garden), and got me to the front in time for the ceremony.
He also ran back to my apartment because I forgot the CD for our first dance.
Basically he was a baby-sitter/groom wrangler. If I was any indication, your freind will be incapible of higher thought. Do it for him. You may have to treat him like a three year-old.