What are the duties of a Best Man?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m about to have this Best Man experience for the first time, and I don’t know what’s required of me.

We already did the bachelor party, which I more or less organized, so that’s out of the way. Nothing happened to cause the bride to call off the wedding. So far, so good.

I know I need to give a toast at the wedding; I’m planning on preparing a very short speech praising the bride and gently mocking the groom. I’m going to have exactly one drink before giving the speech, no more, no less. I’ll memorize the main points, but compose the sentences on the fly, and have a 3x5 card handy in case I go blank.

So what else?

2

Bachelor party - check

Knows about toast - check

Depending on the particulars, you may need to escort the ring to the altar (if there is one) and hand it to the groom.

You might be expected to participate in the receiving line at the reception - check that out.

The way I’ve approached it in the past was as my bud’s second. Make things move along smoothly where you can, and your bud can’t attend to it.

If you need to, which I’d hope you don’t, you must be the Sargeant of the Groomsmen (how old are these folks - this was a question at 18, but never again so a few years later).

3

Hmmm… seargeant of the groomsmen, you mean I have to keep the groomsmen in line? One of them is 18 but the others are older. The couple is in their 30s; the wedding is in a private home. I don’t anticipate any problems – any out-of-control rowdiness – this will be low-key, elegant but not pretentious.

I suppose if the groom gets cold feet at the last second, I’m supposed to propel him to the altar by force. That might be difficult.

4

WHEN is the toast, by the way? After everybody has been served their food and drink, and beginning to eat it at the tables?

5

Well, besides whatever parties there might be, the two most opportune times for a toast are: 1.) at the rehearsal dinner and 2.) at the reception.

Good luck!

6

Check with the bride–if she’s planning to have people do toasts at the reception, she’s got a general time planned for it. This is also a good time to see if there’s anything she absolutely does NOT want you to talk about in your toast.

As for the groomsman wrangling, it’s not necessarily keeping them from getting rowdy, it’s more making sure they’re where they need to be when they need to be there. If anyone’s straggling about getting measured for the tux or placing the order, ride his ass so the bride and groom don’t have to do it. Make sure everyone’s there on time to get ready (and bring a few extra pairs of black socks, you’d be amazed how many guys forget about that). Don’t let them wander off to smoke or drink or pee or whatever during the pictures. This is a biggie. People think “Oh, I’m not in this shot, so I can ___” and wander off. Then they’re needed for the next shot, and somebody has to go round them up, and by then someone else has wandered off, and it winds up taking for-f*cking-ever. This pisses off the bride, the groom, the photographer, the rest of the wedding party, and the guests who are standing around waiting impatiently for the reception to get underway. I repeat, do NOT let people wander off during the pictures.

In general, do whatever you possibly can to make things go smoothly. That might mean picking relatives up at the airport, or running out to get pantyhose after three pairs popped holes the second they were removed from the package. It might mean keeping an obnoxious relative occupied so they’re not annoying the couple or the other guests. Basically, if it needs to be done and you can save the bride and groom some hassle, it’s your job.

7

The ceremonial stuff is really pretty scripted and no sweat: brief toasts, maybe some ushering before the ceremony, handing over the ring, etc.
The main function of a Best Man is to be The Best Bud during a uniquely stressful situation, though it’s the best, happiest kind of stress. The groom’s trusting you to have his back while he’s thoroughly addled with other things. You run interference for little things he’d handle if he weren’t otherwise thoroughly occupied. You keep the field clear for him while concentrates on getting married.
No lie…at my sister’s wedding, the groom–a tough Marine–was so nervous at the alter that he locked knees, and started swaying, inches away from a faint. His best man just unobtrusively stepped right up to his back–literally–and braced him until he was steady again.
If he’s twitchy, keep him centered on the happy purpose behind all the hoopla. Jokes are fine. Unobtrusively ride herd on the other groomsmen–and that includes at the reception. Make a point to pay attention to the parents because they’ll probably be more manic than anybody in the wedding party. (It’s helpful to co-opt the maid of honor, other attendants or even passers-by in running interference with family. Ooze charm and don’t let 'em obsess or hassle all over bride or groom.)
If alchohol is served at the dinner/reception, stay sober and keep an eye out for anyone who doesn’t. In any case, make nice to wall-flower relatives and attendees. You’re standing in for the groom, who would’ve undoubtedly paid due court to the dotty/crabby/weird aunt/uncle/shirt-tail-kin-whomever the 'rents insisted on inviting if he weren’t busy being newly married at the moment. Just handle the naggy, niggly little stuff for him. It’s actually pretty easy to do but a huge gift of trust.

Veb

8

In one wedding where I was the best man, I was also quite embarrassed to find out (after it was too late to recover) that I was supposed to tip the minister. Since it was a Catholic wedding, that could be a Catholic-only or Christian-only tradition.

There’s also signing the marriage certificate (the MOO and the BM are the two witnesses).

IIRC I had to give two toasts – a casual (jokes allowed) one during the rehearsal dinner and a deep, meaningful & soulful one (or the MIL had promised to smite me) at the reception.

9

The previous two ladies pretty much nailed it, except TV’s remark about staying sober. Don’t get me wrong, drunk is an absolute no-no. One or two drinks is sometimes neccessary. I’ve been Best Man three times, it’s always a little different.

As far as the speech goes, don’t be freaked out. It’s supposed to be equal parts sentimental and funny. Try telling a silly story about you and the groom, but never ever make fun of the bride, not even a little. If you feel nervous, have a drink or two, but not three! You’ll do fine. Just make sure the DJ doesn’t announce your speech right after the B&G are seated, this can come as a surprise.

Be friendly and available to all guests. Try to put out any fires you notice, and keep an eye out for those you didn’t. At some point the B&G will want to exit, stage left even, you will make this happen smoothly. There’s a good chance the B&G will take off before the last of the guests decides to, at this point you’re the host. Do what you would if the B&G were standing right behind you, and you should be fine.

Even though the women will try to make this a stressfull day of policy, try your best to make it a fun day of celebration. If everyone leaves with a smile on their face, you’ve done your job well. Good luck.

Sorry ladies, it happens. A lot.

10

Above all else, it is the duty – nay, the responsibility – of the Best Man to marry the Bride if the Groom gets cold feet and ducks out of the wedding. :smiley:

11

All good posts. FYI, there had been a thread about his that I contributed to some time ago. The hamsters aren’t letting me search the SDMB archives, but you should if you get a chance…

12

The best man should ensure that the groom arrives at the wedding in a marriageable condition. This means, among other things, not letting the groom get commode-hugging drunk on His Last Night As A Free Man. The best man should also make sure that the groom doesn’t pick up any social diseases before his nuptials. In other words, the best man is a wet blanket on the bachelor party.

I’ve always heard that the best man is the guy who is supposed to pay the band, the caterer, the wait staff, the minister…whoever is supposed to be paid a fee. The idea behind this is that the groom is too frazzled and bewildered to cope with all this stuff (and the idea is right, for a good many grooms of my aquaintance). So, whether you like it or not, you need to be in the wedding planning committee, so you will know who to pay, and how much.

Asking a guy to be best man is supposed to be an honor. The best man is supposed to be a cool head in a situation that is supposed to be unique, or at least very rare, in a man’s lifetime, and this situation is BOUND to have the unexpected happen, and the best man is supposed to not only foresee this unexpected thing, but to be prepared to handle it.

Good luck.

13

That’s one of the situations where a level head is required, because a split-second decision must be made: Do you call in assistance to physically deliver him to the altar, or do you arrange a fast get-away vehicle ? :smiley:

14

I’ve done it twice, and there has been a lot of good advice here.

As far as people that you need to make sure are paid, it is often a good idea a couple of weeks before the ceremony to sit with the groom (or bride usually, at least in my experience) and have them prepare cheques for those that need to be paid and the right amounts for their services. Keep them in clearly marked envelopes and bring them with you to the service, etc and pay as needed. I generally handled the tip to the minister myself.

You are also basically the gopher. Anything that is needed whether it is a ride, or whatnot, it is up to you to make sure that they get to where they need to go. I delegated groomsmen for that as required. Also black socks are a great idea just in case some people forget about them.

After the groom decides what he wants for tuxes (usually with you) then it is up to you to co-ordinate all the groomsmen getting theirs on time, and sized right. Ride their asses if you have to.

During the ceremony your job is the easiest of all. After ushering for a bit, you get to hang out “backstage” beforehand and joke around lightly with the nervous groom. Then make sure he looks perfect, hair, shoes, boutonniere, etc, and go out and stand up front for the big moment. Be ready to catch him if he falls :wink:

The reception is when you should take a moment to dseek out the parents of both parties and tell them how beautiful / fantastic / wonderful their child is and how perfect this moment is. They will be fretting over all the details still and if you can assuage them even a bit but saying nothing but wonderful things, then all the better.

No puke stories in your speech roasting the groom. You want to be funny, but tasteful, and nothing that will cause the parents on either side to get upset. And never piss off that woman in white on that day. No stories of Thai hookers, for example.

Lastly, after all the toasting, you along with the MC are basically in charge of the party now. After frist dance, boquet / garter toss, it is up to you to make sure everyone is having fun. If you see not a lot of people dancing, get the DJ to play something different.

Lastly, make sure you have a great time yourself. Stay fairly sober, but if you look like you are having fun, everyone else will too.

This is a celebration, so live it up. Just make sure you get all the details taken care of before the party gets into full gear, and that you are there to the end to make sure it wraps up well.

Have a blast. All this is easier than it sounds.

15

Another 2-timer here :). My philosphy is – ask what they want, and do what I’m told.

16

Now I’m getting scared. I was thinking, Toast, and Moral Support. You’ve all reminded me there’s many other things I could/should be doing.

The b-2-b has asked for a toast at BOTH the rehearsal and the reception (after the cake-cutting). If my reception speech was going to be 1 minute or so, the rehearsal speech will be about 10 seconds, I think. I’m not good at speeches so I will have something small prepared for each toast.

So let me sum up the suggestions so far, most of which are news to me:

[ul]
[li]Escort ring to the altar (I assume I’ll be instructed in the particulars)[/li][li]Maybe participate in reception line[/li][li]Keep track of the groomsmen; keep them from wandering off at critical moments[/li][li]Two toasts (keep them bride-appropriate and parent-appropriate)[/li][li]Make sure all the groomsmen’s clothes are ordered[/li][li]Bring socks[/li][li]Prop up groom in case of fainting[/li][li]Stay sober (bummer; I was planning on getting fairly merry after the toast)[/li][li]Keep an eye on people who are not sober[/li][li]Circulate among the guests; draw out the wallflowers; keep the B&G from being hassled by annoying elderly relatives[/li][li]Pay off the people who expect to be paid (I’m assuming, not out of my own pocket? :confused: I’ll be consulting the bride about this anon.)[/li][li]Sign the marriage certificate[/li][li]Host the reception after B&G leave (yikes; I really hadn’t thought of this one)[/li][li]Marry the bride if necessary. (Uh-huh.)[/li][li]Be a wet blanket at the bachelor party (check. Already over and done with; the groom specifically forbade stippers and hookers so he was more of a wet blanket than I was. I don’t anticipate any trouble the night before the wedding, but I’ll keep an eye out.)[/li][li]Be good to the parents[/li][li]Expect the unexpected.[/li][/ul]

Lordy, if I knew it was all this, I might have refused the honor. I thought Maids of Honor had to do all the work, and Best Men just stood up at the front, did a toast later, and that was it. Well, I better start calling those deadbeat groomsmen and making sure they’re going to be properly dressed. I am indebted to you all.

17

You’ll do and be fine, masonite. Fergit the frills and doodads. Beyond the scripted ceremonial stuff, which is much easier than it sounds, your role is just pinch-hit the stuff the groom would normally handle if he weren’t a confused mess. <g> It’ll flow, and don’t sweat the small stuff. You don’t have to anticipate every little possible glitch, just be ready to step in and do the doin’ if they happen.
BTW, I should have said, ‘don’t get drunk at the reception’. Getting merry is entirely appropriate and will fulfill your role admirably. Heck, have a blast. After all, it’s a happy occassion.

Veb

18

I agree with Veb on that. The idea is to make it smooth and fun for everyone, yourself included. Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’ll all work out well in the end.

19

Missed one, it’s also usually the best man who “decorates” the lucky couple’s car. Or, at least, the one who brings the decorations.

-lv

20

Ooh, good one. Let’s see …

Shaving cream
Silly String
Tin Cans
Twine

What am I missing?