Help With Girlfriend Problem

In My Humble Opinion
41

The problem isn’t romance, it is you have messed up priorities.

You’re buying a house when you’re underemployed? She’s going to school, working AND trying to start a business?

That’s like roller skating, juggling, and riding a bike all at once then complaining when it doesn’t work.

First things first, you need to make cash. You guys overextended yourself. That means no more school, no more outside business startup, no more nothing till you find a job that can support your house.

This means FINDING A JOB is your first priority. Once you’re girlfriend finished the school term she drops out and finds a job full time 40 hours. You both work to save money to pay for this house.

Don’t like this, lose the house.

Romance, sweet talk, love ain’t going to help because you’re core problem is you don’t make enough money to meet your lifestyle.

It’s like having a disease and you’re fighting the symptoms without ever bothering to cure the cause of the disease.

I’m sure a lot of people will think, “But they shouldn’t have to give up their dreams and school is important…” Yes, those things are, but first things first.

So the only way to treat this is to either make more cash or lose the financial problems like sell the house and move into a cheap flat.

The fact that you list very serious problems and don’t realize this

Underemployed - HUGE problem
New house - HUGE problem
Girlfriend working, school AND new business - HUGE problem

In the absolute best of times, with you earning lots of money anyone of those three is going to be a major stress. And that is if EVERYTHING is going your way.

You don’t have this.

Ask yourself this, where are you gonna be if a disaster happens? What if one of you gets ill? What if your car gets hit and you have to get it repaired? Are you prepared with back up cash?

We have a major recession, this will pass, but until times pick up, you need to be simplifying not extending. None of your problems are insurmountable when taken piece by piece and not lumped into a big heap.

On the other hand in times of stress you find out who your friends are and who will stick by you. So good luck

42

Well, when I think “What would Mel do?” I usually wind up beating the girl I’m with. Whenever anyone asks about the bruises I just start ranting about Zionists.

43

Firstly take out a pen and paper. Now right down the number of hours your girlfriend spends (a) at school, (b) doing schoolwork after school, (c) starting up her own company and (d) doing all the cooking, cleaning and housework. It will probably add up to a lot more than you’ve previously realised.

Secondly, set yourself up a Google Calendar. In it, put your anniversary, her birthday, and any other major events, Christmas, etc. Now, in between those events, add new events to get your girlfriend flowers and a card. Set up the events to email you a reminder.

“These flowers are almost as beautiful as you are!”
“I love you so much!”
“Being with you makes me so happy”
“I love your smile!”

There. If you buy her flowers on a quarterly basis, there’s a year’s worth of cards filled out right there.

44

[quote=“Ladymarmalade, post:29, topic:551740”]

I see it a bit differently. When you say she is going to school full-time, do you mean you are supporting her? If so then yes I think it is fair that she do more of the housework than you. School is generally not as many hours and it is not your job to support a girlfriend.

[QUOTE]

Assuming this is a relationship that is at least nominally headed toward marriage, her going to school is an investment that will pay off for both of them: her higher earning potential will increase their household income for decades to come.

And it might be reasonable for the person in school to do more of the household chores, depending on relative outside workload, it’s certainly not reasonable to expect her to do everything, and even the OP admits she does it all.

45

Depending on where they live, the price of owning vs renting may not be that different: not everywhere has crazy real estate prices. Our house payment + taxes and insurance is under $1000/month, and the absolute cheapest apartment we could get (and I am talking “drug dealers on all sides, prostitutes in the parking lot”) would be about $600/month. A safe apartment would be about $800. They may well need to get their finances in order, but home ownership is not a red flag all by itself.

Assuming she has no particular skills, her income potential if she gets a full time job is really very limited: it might be enough to sustain their lifestyle, but not to build up assets. She’s much better off learning some particular skills (i.e., college) as quickly as possible.

46

You’ve got some good advice here; putting her birthday and your anniversary in your e-calendar is a very good idea; there are few women who don’t mind their S.O. forgetting their birthday; it’s kind of a bare minimum.

For some comparison to other relationships, at this point, my husband works full-time, and I’m not working at all. He leaves the house at around 7 am and gets back around 6 pm due to the traffic of his commute. I do everything for the yard, house, and household. He works long hours, but his evenings and weekends are completely his own. I am also looking for a part-time job to add to my household duties and make some more money, because I feel like I’m not pulling my own weight quite enough.

I do notice that you say, “I bought a house,” not “We bought a house.” Is there a reason for this?

47

I assumed it was because he bought a house. :stuck_out_tongue:

48

See, that right there? That’s the kind of thing that women don’t really enjoy.

:smiley:

49

Picnics and footrubs. Cheap, easy, and women like them.

But make a big deal out of it. She gets home - you sit her down, get her something to drink, get her shoes off, and then warm up the lotion in the microwave and put a cool, wet cloth over her eyes while you massage her feet with the lotion. Not too hard, and about five minutes per foot.

Then you bring out the picnic. Eat it in the living room, if you have one. Doesn’t have to be fancy - I did it with peanut butter crackers and strawberries and cheese and lemonade once.

Key here - if she says “thank you” the response is “you’re worth it”. If she doesn’t say “thank you”, you got bigger problems than a message board can fix.

Regards,
Shodan

50

She’s unhappy for some reason. She blames you. If you change for her, and she doesn’t change for you, expect the cycle to continue. Beware of anyone who blames their dissatisfactions on you or anyone else.

The individual’s genders don’t matter. I’ve seen men do the same thing to women.

If its not that, and you’re just clueless in the romance department, its pretty easy, flowers, candy, cards. If you have a limited budget, make something yourself. Helping around the house is a good idea, but its not romantic. If that gets her motor running, GFSM help you.

51

There is one glaring detail that sticks out for me. You said that “I bought a house”. Is that true? Did you buy it by yourself or is she in on that too? You know, name on mortgage and deed.

If she’s not, that may be your trouble in a nutshell. You’re treating her like you own the place and don’t have to do anything and she’s the maid…

I may be off base, but I’m just saying…

52

Getting back to the basics, it really is about the “little things”.

If you know she likes Chunky Monkey ice cream (and you don’t), buy her some and put it in the freezer for a surprise.
Pick up a new copy of a magazine she likes and hand it to her with a cup of coffee/tea in the morning.
Make one day a week “date night” and go do something together - it doesn’t have to cost a lot of money; wander through a mall, go to a museum, rent a movie and get a bottle of wine, go for a walk in a park, any drive in movies nearby?
Do laundry/clean kitchen together while listening to some music you both like, cranked up loudly in the background.

It doesn’t take a lot to show you want to do things together, and for each other.

53

Yeah, that would be 90% of why you guys aren’t having sex–that kind of exhaustion and stress will suck the physical passion right out of even the most romantic relationship in the world. I mean, dude–full time school is a minimum of 12 course hours and conventional wisdom says you put in about 2 hours studying/doing homework for ever hour of class. Cooking, dishes and basic maintenance cleaning tends to take a good couple hours a day. That’s 50 hours a week before she ever even looks at her little business start-up, and those suckers can be total time-sinks. However tired you are at the end of the day, she is at least that tired too.

Sure you do, because *she has told you in exactly so many words precisely what to do. * Flowers, cards, and surprises. Get her flowers a couple times a year, preferably of a type or color you know she likes. Get her a card every now and then and write in it what you feel, which can be as simple as “Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you.” Pick up some random little something she likes but doesn’t normally buy out of the blue. Pro tip: when a woman tells you specific things she would like you to do, what she really, truly wants is for you to do those things, ideally without any fussing about how it’s just so haaaaaarrrrrrrdddd or how you just don’t know what she wants.

Well, yes. As has been mentioned before, women tend to keep a running to-do list in our heads, and the longer the list is the harder it is for us to just stop and chill out for a while, because that means there’s more shit piling up on The List and even less time to do it all in. And woe betide the poor dumb bastard who is just sitting there watching us while we’re in List Crisis, particularly if a significant portion of the The List is communal responsibilities.

And please do keep in mind that it’s the (perceived) thought that counts with any of these “good boyfriend” activities. My husband doesn’t do the flowers and cards and jewelry thing, which is great because the thought behind it would pretty much be “Chicks dig this crap, right?” (Pro tip #2: The only worse apparent thought behind something is “That ought to shut her up for a while.”) He picks up more of the housework when I’ve got an extra-busy week, he comes home from the grocery store with some sweet cherries that looked good or a six-pack of hard cider or some of that cheese I like, he emails me cool little tidbits he runs across that he thinks would interest or amuse me, he keeps the critters from mobbing me the second I come dragging home from work exhausted and pissy. He does these things not because he wants in my pants, or he wants me to stop bitching at him about being more romantic, or because he wants to earn “good husband” points, but because he loves me and wants me to have things that will make my life easier, happier, and better.

54

At mid 20s, you should have lots of energy.

I used to do 80-90 hours a week and still managed to complete my Masters full time.

If you are behaving like a married man in mid 30s, any gf would be pissed off.
I know that its a little tough but you are at your peak of youthfulness and you shouldn’t be stopped by anyone or anything.

Even if you don’t give her flowers,helping around would surely help.
And most important thing…don’t forget to do it with a smile :slight_smile:

55

Reminds me of a couple I once knew casually. They dated for a couple of years, married and set up a new household together. He wanted a dog, she was OK with having a dog, so they got a dog. He always got home from work before she did, and sometimes he came home to find the dog had pooped on the carpet. He always left it for her to clean up, though, because it was the wife’s job to clean. He actually said this out loud to more than one person.

Leaving aside my unease with his rigid ideas about gender roles, I don’t understand how he could sit there and watch TV with a pile of dog crap on the living room carpet.

They divorced after one year of marriage.

56

This is perfect advice. If she’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off, she’s doing stuff from a list (definitely mental, possibly written down). You want sex, and the way to get it is to do half or more of the housework. Period.

Also, I see a lot of longtime dopers saying there’s trouble in paradise, and most of them are guys…are you sure she’s not upset that you haven’t proposed? 5 years, (10 years for Fat Chance) is a long-ass time; sure, some people are in the same boat, but after that long of a time, lots of girls would like to be at least engaged.

Also, Superhal, shouldn’t you be going to a Save the Haitian Children fest at your little college? Seriously, you have the immaturity of a middle-schooler and are supposed to be a transitioning adult in college. Get with the fucking program, dude.

57

There’s a basic difficulty here, though. In spite of enlightened attitudes on the part of both sexes, women undoubtedly still tend to carry that list around a lot more than men do. It’s probably safe to say that the majority of men, when single, do their housecleaning on the “if and when I feel like it” schedule, and this is the position they bring to a live-in relationship. It’s not like we’re all Oscar Madisons, but we’re definitely not Felix Ungars either. Most of us won’t even be aware of the 40 things that need to be done, or even notice that they need doing if we look straight at them.

58

You know what really helps with that? Practice. It’s not like you can’t learn how to do it–you can. Most women have learned the List skill because they have had to, not because it’s an innate female talent that men have no access to. Some options:

Start with a mental checklist of really obvious things, and go down the list one by one. Is the trash full? Are there dirty dishes? Are there clean dishes that need to be put away? Are there boxes of cereal sitting on the table? Is there clean laundry to fold or put away? Is there wet laundry to put in the dryer, or is the hamper overflowing? Could the toilet use a scrub? Is the cabinet bare of TP? Is the kitchen sink filthy?

Ask your partner what needs to be done and how often it should be done. If she says “The trash should be taken out every night,” then make that your job, every night. If she says “The sheets should be changed once a week,” then pick a day and take responsibility for that job. (If you feel her standards are psychotic, ask her about the reasoning. Housekeeping is rational for the most part. Then, if your goal here is making her happy, do the job according to the standard or negotiate a different job you can do more or less happily.)

Go get a housekeeping book from the library and read it. There are a couple out there just for guys with frustrated wives, or you can just get a regular book on cleaning. Many have lists of jobs, the frequency with which they need to be done, and why they should be done like that.

There. You no longer have any excuse for not knowing that the house is not clean. Go, and make your partner joyful.

59

I as take my first step into a new world alone, with the hope of recovering, healing, and eventually looking, I truly hope there are other unmarried women out there like you. It gives me hope.

60

Oh, there absolutely are. There are plenty of women in the world who can’t be arsed to play a constant game of, “Make him guess what will make me happy and pout when he gets it wrong.”