So which is a greater pain in the ass . . . his hemorrhoid or his being a Cubs fan?
I had a bad one once. Went to the doctor, hands and knees on the floor, snip,snip. no problem. Or, rubber bands, either way will do it.
prep H will give you some comfort in the meanwhile.
I’ll take what’s behind door #2.
I’ll bring the red hot cautery! 
A hot bath and leaving it the hell alone always worked for me.
But pooping isn’t leaving it alone.
Not that I advocate a refrain from defecation. Au contraire, I recommend smart stooling.
Never had the 'rrhoids, but after experiencing bathroom etiquette/mechanics in the Middle East (Bahrain) during my time in the Navy, I made a modification to my bathroom at home: installed a bidet attachment (sprayer hose). No more toilet paper for me- just a nice, refreshing jet of water that cleans the area with no friction.
I highly, highly recommend it.
All part of my smart stooling program! 
My gastroenterologist said if they cause significant pain they should always be checked out. I had one that didn’t go away (my first and only, knocking on wood) and he gave me some suppositories that took care of it in a couple of weeks.
No of course not, but that’s necessary. I mean don’t touch it when you dont have to. It’s a natural thing to want to try to fix things that hurt, and the more you bother it the worse it gets.
Another thing, I tried a dozen different hemorrhoid cremes, and none of them did a damn thing. Several hot baths per day, and leaving it the hell alone is the only thing I found that helped. It’s not good news to hear when you’re trying to sleep and it feels like someone just pounded a red hot nail into your ass, but it actually helps.
Hemorrhoids are about the only over-50 affliction I haven’t experienced yet, knock on wood. I expect them any day now, though, just to fill out the trifecta of hairy ears and problematic urination.
Graduate Stool?
don’t stop there QTM, might as well spell out the whole program.
and if you have advice on how to avoid getting them in the first place, that would be excellent.
gah!
Well how about?
Law Stool
Medical Stool
Engineering Stool
Cosmetology Stool
Art Stool
IANQTM, IANAD, but fiber (either as part of a healthy diet or as fiber therapy) and even mild regular exercise can help prevent constipation and straining at the stool. Straining should be avoided.
Yup. I never had one lanced, because I always tried to tough it out for a few days before going to the doctor. Dumb move - they’ll only lance a thrombosed one if it’s been clotted for LESS THAN three days.
T-fucking-MI:
After one particularly painful episode, resulting in a trip to the ER with me screaming in agony, crying, and freaking my wife the hell out, I got myself a scrip for Oxycodone and finally made an appointment with a proctologist.
Luckily, I was right on the border between being a good candidate for rubber band ligation and being a potential candidate for traditional hemorrhoidectomy. Trust me - you DO NOT want to get a hemorrhoidectomy. The recovery is three weeks to a month and a half, most of which is screaming agony with maxi pads in your buttcrack.
I took the rubber band ligation route instead. I had three procedures over three months. Each resulted in a day or two of discomfort, but it was well worth it. My sphincter won’t win any beauty contests any more, but the results were life changing.
Cubsfan, assuming this one goes away on its own after a couple of weeks, you should seriously address your fiber intake. If another one pops up, don’t even bother seeing your GP - get in to see a proctologist ASAP. It’s better to catch that shit early. And if you get the feeling that somebody’s shoving barbed knitting needles into your starfish, get to the ER and either get it lanced or get some pain meds.
Charm stool?
Stool’s in?
Stool girl outfit?
Ring the Stool Bell?
Ima Stool you sucker?
Stool’s Out For the Summer?
Yeah I dont see it catching on.
I had a thrombosed hemorrhoid when I was 8 months pregnant (size of a brazil nut, literally). Horrible pain, worst part of pregnancy (including delivery). I had heard that pregnant ladies got hemorrhoids so I thought I was being a big baby. The pain was so bad, I called in sick, and sat on one butt cheek for a full day. I did tucks, I did prep H, I did sitz baths, I did hot water baths, nothing helped.
Finally went to the doctor - very cute, young, perfect hair, clothes, nails, named Dr. Smelit (can not make this stuff up, people). I was horribly embarassed but in such terrible agony. She confirmed it was thrombosed and the moment she injected the lidocaine was the first pain-free moment in 2 days. Bliss.
She was a HOOT, obviously one of those people who loved squeezing things, kept making comments like “oooh, that’s a big clot.” I use humor when I’m embarassed so I kept saying inane comments like “I bet you never pictured glamor like this in med school!”
After the lidocaine wore off that afternoon, the pain returned and I nearly cried, thinking I had made things worse, but by evening I felt better and by the next day, it was completely gone and I felt amazing. Well worth a doctor’s visit.
True, unless you are a contortionist, it is rather difficult looking at one’s own starfish …
Can’t resist - Bob the Anal Fissure
I absolutely love bidets - I just wish we could convince the rest of the US to love and use them. Though the Japanese have some seriously peculiar bidet toilets…