Hey Dopers, help me in my pursuit of a lady friend.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I want a woman who won’t drive me crazy. Some girl that knows the meaning of “hey hit the highway.”

So I’m thinking about getting a girlfriend. I hear the 2002 models are coming out and the aerodynamic designs and accessories far surpass what they’ve been producing in earlier years.

But, see, I’m kinda wondering how I go about doing this. Are there girlfriend catalogs? Is there a “picking up girls for the drooling idiot,” 'cause, well, I’ve sorta come to the conclusion that I’m a femaphobe. A big one.

You girls and your feminine wiles scare me. I can’t talk to you. Well, that’s not entirely true. I can talk to you just fine. I can make jokes and be pleasant and witty and intelligent. I just can’t initiate a conversation. I can’t go up to you and say “hi.”

It’s just me. I’m strange. I know it and I’ll admit it. In class the other day I was called on by the professor and had to answer his questions for 40 minutes straight. I was perfectly at ease speaking in front of the entire class. Not a care in the world because I like public speaking. But, see, there’s this girl right next to me, beautiful redhead, I can barely make eye contact with. You ask me to say “hi” to her and I freeze up. The best I’ve done is offer her some of my animal crackers once and gosh, I’m sure she was ever so impressed with that.

I’ve figured out what the problem is. I’m scared of the “look.” You know, the bitch look that says “me? Go out with you? It is to laugh.” I don’t like that look. I don’t want that look. I want to go up to a woman and say hi without worrying about that look and without worrying that she’s thinking that I’m thinking I’m trying to sleep with her when all I want to do is talk to her (as irrational as that may or may not be).

I need someone to slap some sense into me. Who’s up to the task?

2

I say you leave the 2002 model alone for the next 19 years, ya pedo! :wink:

— G. Raven

3

::smack::

Sorry, you asked for it! :smiley:

4

I don’t know much about you, Ender, but I’ll offer up a true confession from my ne’er do well love life that may help.

About twenty years ago, upon ending what had become a monsterously untenable relationship, I joined a video dating service. I had already been out in the post-college working world for a few years and remembered what a tailspin it put me into when my college GF and I split up.

I wasn’t going to do that again, so I decided the video deal was the quickest way to get right back up on that horse again.

I’m sure technology has changed how that scene all works, but I’d bet a lot remains the same. The deal there was not so expensive (IIRC ~$60 - I could be wrong); you filled out a little personality profile which consisted of several questions (which I answered truthfully - I smoke, I drink, I’m atheist, I’m politically conservative, I don’t care about the race of the women I date - why would you want to thwart the screening they offer?) and made a video wherein one of the women who ran the place interviewed you on camera.

They had banks of cataloged video tapes that you could pull and screen in little viewing cubicles. You pulled the tapes by a reference number you got off the page in one of several three-ring binders that you perused to see profiles with snapshots. I soon abandoned bothering with the videos, as I suspect most of the others did as well.

Hmmm…, that’s all snarfle; sorry to bugger up a reply with excess baggage.

The point is that this was a means that facilitated my meeting and going out with manny women. It made a Friday night date with Ms. X something that I could be laid-back about because, after-all, I had another date with Ms. Y the next night. So there weren’t as manny marbles ridin’ on one particular date. That was great!

After a quick intro into the economics of mass-dating, I got a handle on that and began economically sound dating. I went out with about 60 women from the dating service in my 6 month membership (yes, that’s just about all I was doing with my free time). Out of those, there were less than five I saw again, and only two I saw several times.

But, the biggest profit I drew from what I began to think of as (even though I’d dated several women before it) Dating School was that it limbered me up in the language of dating. So I became much more comfortable with asking a woman I’d met IRL (so to speak) if she’d like to have dinner with me or go to a show. And if she spiked it, WTF, there’s plenty more. The spike was no longer crushing.

I think I don’t usually open up that much online. Hope it helps, Ender.

5

OK, heads up. You’re not weird; you’re young. OK, so maybe you are weird, I don’t know. But this isn’t what is weird about you. This is painfully ordinary, and normal, assuming you are under forty years of age.

You don’t want some hypothetical drop dead gorgeous red head to tell you to drop dead. Why not? If you never even bother to check it out, you’ve already told yourself to drop dead, and she never got the chance. I know how hard it is to actually do it, but not doing it accomplishes the failure without any chance of success. Pick a girl, any girl, (Well, don’t pick a girl hanging on the arm of some monster jock, and drooling on his shirt sleeve.) and just say, Hi.

Now the real important thing is to have made some sort of plan about what to do if she says something other than “Take off, looser.” Plan for success. Decide what you would like to spend your first few hours alone with her doing. No, not that. Social stuff. You are not Don Juan, and she is not going to be panting for your bod on the first date. Plans, you know. For something to do. Something in a public place where she can feel safe, and you can feel familiar. Do the “have a coke” or “See the game” thing if you are age appropriate for that. If you are older, pick something you like to do.

If she turns you down, she will almost undoubtedly turn down the specific invitation, rather than deny your acceptability as a mutual member of the world ecosystem. So come clean, at once. Be disarmingly honest. “You know, it really wasn’t the game I wanted to see. I would rather spend the time with you, doing something else, if that works for you.” This is better than candy, and flowers, trust me. If that doesn’t work, smile, and tell her, “Well, I did have to ask. Let me know if things change.” Then still be her friend.

Do stuff that girls do. Don’t be a phony trolling for chicks, but find out if there are any girl intensive things that you actually enjoy doing. Dance classes rock, by the way, and the boy/girl ratio is superlative! Drama, art, music, that stuff. Chicks dig that. Chicks don’t dig guys that are only doing it because chicks dig it, though.

Tris

“Courtship consists in a number of quiet attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, nor so vague as not to be understood.” ~ Laurence Sterne ~

6

It does help beatle, thank you.

It’s just weird and frustrating. I can talk to girls that my friends introduce me to. I can talk to anyone online. But you ask me to initiate a conversation with a real live female and I’d sooner commit seppuku with a used toothpick.

And I know that not every girl will give me the “look.” I know that any girl that does is really just a bitch anyway. I know that many girls would probably enjoy my company and might actually want me to talk to them. All these rational thoughts go through my brain. But the irrational thought “run! run! for the love of god! She might notice you, you pansy!” seems to win out 11 times out of 10.

Hence, the whole slapping thing. Thanks, Rasa

7

I think you want to rehink that statement.

8

He was just referring to any girl that gives the look that says ‘I’m too good for you,’ and any girl that turns someone down with an air of superiority, an arrogance that wonders implicitly why you even bothered to approach, with your ratty jeans and funny ears, the perfection that is She, well, I think it’s safe to say that that girl may in fact be called a ‘bitch.’ Maybe just ‘snotty,’ but I don’t guess Enderw24 is one to mince words.

9

If you’re really that shy. Maybe tring one of the online matchmaking services. That way, at least you trade some emails back and forth before the first phone call. You’ve got some phone calls before you have the first date…

10

Not to denigrate anything that anybody has said here, but historically in the relationship department, people seem to have done better without our advice than with.

11

Enderw24 – Eutychus55 is right, anyway though if you want advice, here’s mine. Be confident. Women love confident men. Just prepare your self mentally before you talk to her. Keep in your mind that you are the best thing that happenned to women, no matter how far from the truth it is. And secondly, make her laugh, in my experiences, it seems to speed things up to that more ahem… aggressive part of the relationship.

And as for the whole dating service, go for it, pretend it’s practice, for whatever girl you’ve had your eye on.

Eutychus55 – really I would’ve never guessed, but no hard feelings, at all, to anyone. There was alot of support given that out weighed the stupidity of myself.

12

OK…so be confident when talking to the girls online through video dating services and don’t take anyone’s advice. Righty-o. I think I can do that.

Well, the only woman to visit this thread slapped me which is just about par for the course.

And White Lightning was correct in the interpretation of my sentence. I’m wondering beatle, what did you think I meant?

Any other advice?

13

Being a girl who will give you a reply without aforementioned smack…

Girls like guys who can initiate a conversation. Find one small common thing. “Hey, whatcha drinking?” “Do you know Stephanie?” (it doesn’t matter if you don’t know Stephanie. What matters is that you have made a way to introduce yourself. If she says “Stephanie Jones?” you say, oh, no, Stephanie Gradzynski, or some other name that isn’t common.)
The next line? “Hey, my name is Enderw24.” Of course, it may help if you give her your real name. :slight_smile:
Breaking the ice is the hardest part.If you can find a way to break the ice, you can start carrying on conversation.
Find things that you are interested in. Music is usually good, because there’s always some point of debate in music.

I do have to agree with Euty, because no one is going to be able to give you the magic formula to make girls fall at your feet. It all has to be something you do, otherwise it’s you pretending to be something you’re not. It may help you to try one of these online matchmaking services. (I personally recommend The Spark’s SparkMatch.) You will get used to talking to people and you will find your own ability to carry on conversations with people you don’t know.

As for the “look”, if a girl gives you that look, give her one back that says “No skin off my back.” It’s hard to manage at first, but being a girl who has asked guys out before, it works like a charm.

All I say now is good luck. You’ll get used to it. It just takes time, but remember to be yourself. The girl that likes you for who you really are is the one that will be a keeper.

14

I remember those days vividly. You will notice that I did not say FONDLY.

First, saying to yourself, “Damn, I need a girlfriend!”
Then, “Man, I need a girlfriend. Pass me a beer.”
Later, “Someone gimme another beer. Let’s go get chicks!”
Finally, “Okkkay, one bore meer. Fuckin womens.”

15

FWIW, Ender, I have been referred to as a hot redhead. I don’t necessarily agree, and I don’t define myself in those terms. (picture in .sig if you must see)

I have never in my entire life given anyone the ‘look’. My parents raised me better.

16

I think the problem is “looking” for a girlfriend. Most likely you will be friends with a girl and one day just go “Whoa, I like her,” and then you’ll go make babies and all that.

17

[hijack]

Is this true? All these people going on about “I need the advice of the SDMB love-doctors on this one…” and it doesn’t work??

Cites please! [/hijack]

Yeah, Enderw24, you’re getting a lot of the same advice I tend to get about this stuff. Be confident, initiate conversations, don’t show fear, be “yourself,” keep your head up, don’t let rejection get you down, and keep trying. It’s worked for me so far, at least in the “feeling ok about yourself” department. Pretending to be confident on a regular basis tends to make you feel a little more confidence for real. Even when I strike out 100% of the time. As TwistofFate once told me – “wear a helmet.”
And, if you’ve got a girl you want to get to go out with you, try this advice from the great Scylla.

18

Anyone else think Venus here skipped a could of steps? :smiley: I usually like to have at least a few dates before the baby-making becomes an issue…

Other than that, he/she/it/them is/are right. I’ve never understood ‘looking’ for women, like picking women up in bars and whatnot, simply because I have absolutely nothing to go on except looks. Which isn’t good enough for me. All my relationships (yep, both of 'em) have been developed from rather longish friendships. It’s not the quick route, but I find it works the best. It works well if you’re not looking for a quick fix.

Mnem’s $0.02.

19

Could, of course, should be couple.

[sub]This problem could have been solved by applying copious amounts of beer in advance. Don’t let it happen to you! Drink beer![/sub]

20

Did she accept your offer of animal crackers? (I think that’s really sweet, BTW)