Hints for life

Tired of the smarmy hints forwarded to you by clueless friends and family?

Subject: Hints for life

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
 
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of ‘rodeo sex’.
Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name.
See how long you can ‘stay mounted’ for.
 
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard
or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing in the first place.
 
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend’s arse, filter first,
then replacing it in the box. The possiblity of putting that one in your mouth will put you off
smoking any of them.
 
Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.
 
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
 
Don’t waste money buying expesive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
 
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stiring in a spoonful of lard.
 
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
 
Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
 
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
 
Too old to go on an 18-30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and
shag every bloke who looks over your fence.
 
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
 
Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of
frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
 
Beared men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply
applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of
toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
 
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl make the fishes’ eyes bulge
and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
 
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
 
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
 
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.