“Look, we could sit here all day and argue about who forgot to pick up who at soccer practice. Let’s just say we’re both wrong, and agree to disagree.”
In the kitchen, Homer and Bart are covering a pillow with chocolate frosting to make it look like a cake. Marge enters.
Marge: What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
Homer (indignantly): I could ask you the very same question!
Marge: Mmm … should I just back out of the room?
Homer: Would you?
Look, if I say my son’s going to work in a burlesque house, then my song’s going to work in a burlesque house. (Crowd moves away, Marge is standing there). Marge, you’re going to be hearing some crazy stories about Bart working in a burlesque house.
I will find you Beer Baron.
No you won’t.
Yes I will.
D’oh!
Bart: Come on, Dad, I go to all your stupid interventions.
After Homer buys Marge the carnival snack maker, he goes nuts frying and making cotton candy. He ends up with a giant ball of batter, cotton candy and caramel. At some point the kids attach themselves to it.
Homer says “That’s it kids. Suckle daddy’s sugar ball”
Homer is complaining about his promise to spend one weekend a month devoting time to his kids.
Lisa: Dad, that’s only half as much as a divorced dad.
Homer [whining]: But it’s twice as much as a deadbeat dad!
And then there’s
Marge: You’re turning our wonderful little town into America’s trash hole!
Homer: Marge! Ixnay on the ashhole-tray!
[Say it out loud.]
“Pickabar?!?! What the hell is pickabar???”
Marge: let’s snuggle
Max Power: Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You just strap yourself in and, feel…the…G’s… (picturing the pelvic thrusts helps)
Was that cat kissing that mouse? 'Cuz if he was…(shaking fist
(while naked and fleeing the police in front of those little wind movie thingies)
Homer: Marge, can we trade places? I don’t trust these guys.
Homer: I hate Springfield U. soooooooo much.
Lisa: Dad, you went to Springfield University. You hate Springfield A & M.
Homer: *Soooooooo much[/.]
D’oh!
Of course Homer got it wrong (D’oh!), but the title is actually “Chief Justice of the United States.”
Pedantically yours,
William
Homer gets an online priesthood from the e-Piscopal Church, and says, “Time to tackle the pop-ups. Ooooh, a talking moose wants my credit-card information! That seems only fair…” and begins energetically tapping away at the keyboard.
“What are you kids laughing at?” (threateningly) “If you say Jimmy Fallon, I’ll know you’re lying.”
{As Odysseus, upon reaching Circe’s lair of enchantment} “Why does every weirdo get their own island?”
{As the Indian Chief} “Long have we awaited the coming of the white man. And Carl.”
(May have been done already)
I likes my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fuh-laming!
From a re-run on now:
Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
H: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?
Homer is offered the job of food critic at a local newspaper.
Editor: Hey listen, I just had a thought. We’re looking for a new food critic. Someone who doesn’t immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: No, it usually takes a few hours.
Homer(running for sanitation commissioner):We’ve got animals crapping in our houses! Did we lose a war? That’s not America! That’s not even Mexico!
I have two cats and this quote gets used a lot around my house.