Step up to the counter.
Order in a loud, clear voice.
Step to the left to receive your order.
Otherwise, NO SOUP FOR YOU!
OK, if you’re taking out a hit on someone, please remember the following:
Just tell me who you need dead, I’m not a damned psychic. “I have a problem with a certain individual bla bla bla.” is just wasting my time, have your orders ready when you make the call.
No, I will not deliver the damned head as evidence! Pick up a newspaper and read about this week’s homicides in your area if you need to confirm someone’s death.
Don’t ask me to kill anyone I know, that’s a real pain in the ass and I don’t want to be connected with homicide investigations in any way.
If you want the person chopped up and put in a duffel bag, GET ONE THAT’S BIG ENOUGH! I can’t tell you how many stupid customers give me these flimsy little things that could only fit half a dwarf in them and leak blood like fountains.
If you need it to look like an accident, say so in ADVANCE! Going back to write suicide notes explaining multiple stab wounds in the back is not only dangerous, but difficult to pull off.
And last, but not least:
Don’t ask me my name or rat me out, or I’ll have to kill you 
— G. Raven
Nah, I’m actually just a college student. But hey, I MIGHT move into contract killings, and I don’t want any lousy customers making my job suck if I do
[ul]
[li]Leave your porch light on, whether it’s day or night. If it’s day, I’ll find your house that much faster because you’ll be the only one on your block with a porch light on. If it’s night, I’ll be able to spot your house numbers.[/li][li]Leave your porch light on. I don’t like standing on dark porches-- too much can go wrong when I’m standing in the dark. Besides, I can’t read your ticket to tell you the price and I can’t count out your change if it’s dark.[/li][li]House numbers. $.98 each at Wal-Mart. Look into it.[/li][li]Don’t ask if I’m supposed to get a tip, because there’s no right answer to that question. If I say “no,” then I get stiffed. If I say “yes,” then I have to explain to my boss why I asked a customer for a tip.[/li][li]Write your check/count out your cash sometime between the time when the operator tells you the price of your order and when I get to your door. If I have to stand there and wait while you ask Myrtle to find the check book, the other customers waiting for their pizzas in my car have to wait that much longer.[/li][li]Don’t complain to me about how they screwed up your order last time. I really don’t care. You should have told the operator on the phone; they might have cut you a deal. I don’t have that authority.[/li][li]If you have a loose dog, I’m just going to sit there and honk my horn; I won’t be getting out of my car until he’s inside.[/li][li]Please turn your sprinklers off. I take enough abuse without having to walk through a shower to get to your door.[/li][li]If I’m coming to your school/church/business, specify what entrance you want to meet me at. I’m far too busy to stand there looking stupid while ten people ask each other “who ordered a pizza?”[/li][li]Leave your porch light on.[/li][/ul]
Thank you.
I love my job, and it doesn’t suck at all… but here’s a few helpful suggestions if you’re calling your ISP for technical support:
- Please, BE AT YOUR COMPUTER. How can we test your connection if you’re not there?
- If you have a dialup account and only one phone line, please, for the love of Pete, try to find a cell phone to call us with? Having to hang up, have you test your connection and hopefully write down any error messages, then call us back when it doesn’t work is so time consuming.
- We are your ISP. We handle your internet service. Don’t call us because your new scanner isn’t working, or your computer won’t boot up. While we probably could figure out what’s wrong, there are other customers that need help with OUR service. Call the manufacturer. I know we’re free and they’re not… but still, ya know?
That’s about it. I’m fortunate that I work for a very small ISP with a great customer base. Unfortunately, because of our reputation for great service, people want us to do all sorts of stuff that has no bearing on their internet service, hence #3. So those are just a few helpful suggestions.
Rastahomie, I’m right with you on the delivery stuff. I did home deliveries for a charity for a couple of summers, and what a pain that was. All the stuff you mentioned, as well as people ordering the charity product over the phone and then not being home to take delivery, changing their minds about it while I was standing there, misunderstanding which charity it was - “Oh, this says Block Parents; I thought it was Block Watch. I’m sorry, I don’t want to support after all.” Fine, how about you just pay for my gas and I’ll get out of here, then? And the new neighbourhoods, where people somehow don’t realize that their street doesn’t have a sign yet. Yeesh.
When you call your doctor’s office about your bill…
[ol]
[li]Realize that the person you’re talking to is not the doctor’s nurse. The person taking your call has no idea about your medications, appointments, or anything but your bill.[/li]
[li]We are highly skilled billing people. We are professionals who went to school for this and/or have several years’ experience. We are not morons, and we resent being treated as morons.[/li]
[li]Understand that there are certain things we can’t do. We can’t talk to your insurance company about anything else but the date of service in question. This includes a) Membership issues; b) questionnaires requesting information from you, the subscriber; c) claims for other doctor’s offices. This is a partial list.[/li]
[li]We don’t have access to your medical records. Well, OK, we do, but we have a procedure in place for getting them to you. Copies cost anywhere from a buck a page to $25 for a report. There are no exceptions. We also have a form you must fill out before we can release these records. Believe me, this is for your protection, because we don’t want unauthorized parties from getting your private healthcare information. Don’t play “I’ll pay my bill if you give me my report”. It doesn’t work that way.[/li]
[li]Don’t ask us for information from other doctor’s offices. We don’t have access to that, and it’s not our responsibility to get it for you. There is no magical club for billing people that allows us to get information you can’t. There’s likely a reason you can’t have it in the first place.[/li]
[li]Have your bill with you when you call. It helps me out if I know when you came in and why.[/li]
[li]Please also remember that we have little to no say-so when it comes to how your insurance company pays claims. Some of them are slow, but they pay accurately every time. Others pay fast, but they’re wrong more than they’re right. I’ve had to make several phone calls on the same claim to get the insurance company to pay it. So don’t blame me when they take six months to do it.[/li]
[li]Word of advice: The best way to screw up your account is to pay us what your Explanation of Benefits (EOB) says you owe. Wait for us to bill you. Contractual obligations often require us to reduce this amount, or we can send it to a secondary insurance company, and you won’t have to pay anything at all.[/li][/ol]
If more people took the time to understand what is and what is not covered under their insurance policies, my job would be substantially easier. So read the damn things your insurance sends!
Robin
In a related issue, it’s a bad idea to go into a record store without at least knowing something about what you want. Song title, album title, artist-this is information we could use. Asking about,“That song on the radio, the one that goes…” isn’t useful and it only makes everyone involved frustrated. I enjoyed helping people find what they wanted, I really did, but this was one of the things I hated about the store.
I don’t know why songs aren’t available as singles. No, they probably would never be released as singles. Yeah, $17.99 is a lot to pay for only one song, but how do you know you won’t like the rest of them? I have nothing to do with the pricing, so don’t bitch to me.
I hated doing returns for people who brought back their purchases and said “I just don’t like it.” Our store had a liberal return policy, and I always wanted to say,“But since you’re the one who picked it out, shouldn’t that be your problem?”
In line with everyone else’s comments, I really disliked it when people didn’t put CDs or tapes back in the right places. I hated telling people that, according to the computer, we had something in stock and then not being able to find it because someone had misplaced it.
Heh. 
Most stores use a folding board. Take a clipboard, rip the metal off. That’s your folding board.
The best thing to do, really, is to loosely fold them if you’ve unfolded them. Without a board, they’re going to have to be re-folded anyway, but it helps to not have the shirts looking horrible.
I knew it was a plot andygirl. I’ll look into folding them up as best I can instead of crumpling them up and hiding them.
One down, countless more to go!
When you call your credit card company:
Please have your account number ready. telling me your name doesn’t help since we have over five million active accounts.
Yes, I do have to ask you for your mother’s maiden name and social security number. Federal law states i have to verify each and every caller to ensure I amspeaking to the true cardholder.
I DO NOT MAKE POLICY!!! I’m sorry our system wanted the merchant to call and verify a charge. If they had,it would have been appoved. Since they chose not to, and ignored the agreement they have with visa/mastercard,we could not approve the sale. Go yell at them.
Calling me a bitch will not get that overlimit fee removed.
[sub][sup]
[/sub][/sup]
My mother has been drilling into my head since I was three the proper way of folding shirts. Folding board? I wasn’t allowed to use no steenking folding board! Heh.
Of course, the shop where I work has the t-shirts hanging up on a rack, and I only fold them in order to put them into customer’s bags. I’ve perfected the art of folding the sleeves and sides back while the shirt is in the air, then expertly flipping the whole shirt up and folding it over my arm as I slip it into the bag. It always impresses the customers. (“Wow,” said one college-age Earnhardt fan. “Can you come to my apartment and fold my laundry for me?”)
My advice for customers coming into the racing store:
[ul]
[li]Know what you’re looking for. I know my racing. I can usually figure out what driver you’re looking for, given a bit of information. Do you know a number? A name? A sponsor? Perfect! However, saying “He likes either Dale Earnhardt or Jeff Gordon” doesn’t help me. Most people who like one hate the other, and if I give you the wrong stuff the flak will eventually come back to me. In the same vein, “it’s a blue car” doesn’t really help me much, either. Look at the rack of die-cast models. See all those pretty blue cars? WHICH ONE IS IT?[/li][li]I don’t design the merchandise. If you’re upset that all our Mark Martin stuff has Viagra written on it, take it up with his owner. He’s the one who decided to accept Pfizer sponsorship. I don’t make this stuff. And if a certain driver has contracted his merchandise out to, say, Racing Champions, then NO, I can’t get you an Action Performance version of his car. THEY DON’T MAKE IT. Asking me twice won’t change that.[/li][li]We open when the sign says. We close when the sign says. Read the sign. If you really need that extra five or ten minutes to make up your mind, I’ll give it to you. But don’t walk up while I’m turning off the OPEN sign and locking the doors and expect me to let you in. Also, don’t expect me to be there an hour before the store opens. It’s not my fault you waited out there so long.[/li][li]The door says PULL on it. Don’t get pissed at me when you can’t get in by throwing yourself on it and pushing. It’s one thing if the person just made a mistake; they’re usually embarrassed. But at least once a day some jerk will throw himself bodily against the door, swear (I can hear through glass! Imagine that!) about how I am worthless and the store must be closed, expletive expletive, then get mad at me when I open the door for you the right way.[/li][li]I’m not in charge of which credit cards we accept. The machine will only take Mastercard and Visa. No amount of whining on your part will enable me to change the way the machine works.[/li][/ul]
Do not follow me into the break room. See that sign on the door? Authorized Personel Only? That means get the fuck out of here.
If I am walking through the store carrying a tray of food, chances are, I’m on my lunch hour. Please do not ask me to help you look for something. I only get an hour, and you’re using up my UNPAID time. If I’m walking through the store carrying my vest, a coat, a lunchbox and a book, chances are I’m going home and off the clock. So don’t bother me.
Do not swear at me. I will not help you.
If I tell you that it is a store rule, do not mock me and tell me I’m naive to think I’ll get in trouble. Unless you’re willing to pay back my student loans on the chance I get fired.
From the computer support world:
A> Please don’t yell at me.
For some reason people believe this is effective. I can understand that you’re mad. But I am here to help you. As you yell at me I am thinknig two things 1-- “Ammount of support shrinking…” 2-- “Kindness to customer, diminishing…”
B> For the love of God, backup your data.
I don’t ENJOY formatting your hard drive. But understand, if you have a problem, that may be the viable solution. If you do run your business, schoolwork, vital life skills off of the computer. Doesn’t it make sense to have it backed up?
C> It’s not my fault
Don’t blame me.
D> Remember
I know it sucks, but I am judged by my supervisor by how fast I gt you off the phone. If I have to tell you more than three times (I’ll do it politely each time) but now I’m getting annoyed.
E> Don’t complain about how long you had to wait on hold
Again… I am judged by time, you complaining doesn’t help the hold times. In fact, people like you who waste time like this make them longer. We are truely answering as fast as we can (Remember, low call times = goal) I’m sorry that you called during a rush. What the hell am I supposed to do? Go straight to your call in front of the 90 who called before you, because you’re more important?
F> Don’t ask “Why did this happen?”
I don’t know why.
G> If you do know about computers… Remember YOU called ME.
Which means, you believe I’ll have an answer that you do not. Do not condascend, be rude, get ahead of me, tell me your credentials. I don’t care. I will help you, but just remember who called who.
H> I am here to help you, but I’m not magic.
I will do everything I can. But not every problem has an easy solution, or a solution at all.
I> Read your warranty
Really, it will help you understand so much.
At the bank:
Look, I’m not a teller. You see those nifty name badges they have? I don’t get one because I am TEMPORARY. Yeah, I’m summer help, and you don’t WANT me taking your money. Really. If a teller doesn’t appear in less than 2 minutes, I’ll go get one for you. Please don’t hand me your money or deposit slip or demand sheet and then bless me out because I can’t do anything with it. I’m trying to be as helpful as possible.
Yes, I realize my mother grew up in this town. Yes, I realize she and I look a great deal alike. When I am working at alphabetizing enough insurance/title claims to fill Mammoth Cave, leave me alone! Don’t talk about all the cute little anecdotes you can remember about my mother when she was my age!
And, for the love of all that is somewhat holy, keep your potentially insulting remarks to yourself. Don’t insinuate that I got this job because my relatives run the bank, and I probably get paid more than everyone else. I make minimum wage–$5.15 an hour–and I do everything that everyone else doesn’t want to do. You want my job, you can have it. And don’t criticize my style of dress/hair/weight/whatever else your underflated ego can come up with. You’re not my mother or my boss. I’ll do what I can to see that someone helps you, but I’m on the bottom of the totem pole here, Chachi.
In the hospital ICU:
Visiting hours are clearly posted. Please abide by them. The nurses are trying to take care of the very, very sick people. If there is a situation in which we need to talk with you directly, we will either call you on the phone in the waiting room, or we will physically go out and get you.
Being hostile and belligerent will not win you brownie points. It will only make the nurses shy away from you and secretly hate you. If you want to know the inside information on how your loved one is doing, be civil. The nurse will then tell you everything you want to know.
Gang members may visit their fallen buddy, but only two at a time. If you threaten the patient’s nurse or charge nurse (i.e. and I am not making this up, “I’m gonna go out to my car, get my gun, and kill your ass”), expect to be escorted out of the building by security guards.
The ICU nurse’s primary responsibility is to her patient. If you are freaking, screaming, complaining, wanting a free Diet Dr. Pepper, etc, expect to wait until the nurse has tended to her patient. Deal with it.
From years back when I worked in a liquor store:
Hand me your money in an orderly fashion. Do not reach into your filthy pockets and violently yank out $7 in dimes and pennies, spraying them all over the counter and floor.
Do not ask me to “front” you liquor.
Do not ask, “How’s my credit?”
Do not ask for a case of Mickey’s, and then when I come out of the back with a case of Mickey’s inform me that by “Mickey’s” you meant Michelob.
Do not pay for a $2.50 half-pint of Crown Russe with your Visa card.
Do not buy a miniature of brandy smack dab in the middle of a work day and tell me it’s for your boss.
Do not give me attitude when I tell you that we’re out of Winstons and suggest that you buy a pack of Marlboros. I know there’s no discernible difference and so do you.
You want lottery tickets? Fine. Buy them and get the hell out. I don’t need to stand there and watch your decaying corpse scratch off $20 worth of tickets. You should be beaten with a lead pipe.
Most of mine have been taken already, but:
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I know it sucks when you call up and end up on hold. However, the only way your call will get answered is if you are there to respond to the person who picks it up. If they pick it up and hear hold music, they will just hang up, and you get to wait again, assuming that you are even checking the line to see if it’s still connected.
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Likewise, if you have your speakerphone on so that you can do other work without getting your shoulder all sweaty, that’s great. I do this all the time. However, you need to be listening for the line to pick up, so that you can respond to the person trying to speak with you. Otherwise see above for what happens when there’s no response.
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It’s been mentioned to death in this thread, but a bookstore and a library are two entirely different things, though they do both have books inside them. If you’re at the bookstore, be aware that we’re not obligated to carry every single out-of-print book that’s in your textbook’s eight year old bibliography. Likewise, no library will have books of tear-out crossword puzzles.
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If you buy something, and want to keep browsing the store, please keep your reciept handy just so there’s no confusion. If you decline a reciept, for whatever reason, please take your purchases out to the car, and then come back.
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We have sensor gates on our doors, because some people steal things. We don’t want to inconvenience people who are obviously not stealing, but we always respond to the gates. Consequently, if you set the alarms off coming in (because the idiots downstairs never deactivate anything), please let us deactivate your outside purchases for you. It saves time and trouble when you leave.
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Notice how the big desk you’re at has a sign saying “No Register Here” ? There’s no register here. If your scream and pitch a fit, there is still no register here. You may pay at the registers.
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Finally: the big convenient store is in your neighborhood because we take in more money than we spend on things, thus enabling us both to pay for staff, and to justify our home office spending money on inventory. We charge more for the things that we sell than we paid for them. Implying that this is some sort of evil or immoral scam will not get you sympathy here, since all of our employees are paid from that profit. In particular, trying to get things for free because “we can afford it” or “it’s about to expire anyway” will just get you blank stares from our staff. If you’re lucky, they’ll let you speak to a manager, such as myself. having to explain basic economics to you, however, will not make me inclined to give you free stuff, either.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by racinchikki *
[ul][li]We open when the sign says. We close when the sign says. Read the sign. If you really need that extra five or ten minutes to make up your mind, I’ll give it to you. But don’t walk up while I’m turning off the OPEN sign and locking the doors and expect me to let you in. [/ul] [/li][/QUOTE]
We get that all the time. People walk in at 7:59 (we close at 8)…it got so bad one night they locked all the doors and put me on one door so I could unlock it only to let people out and not let anybody in. (and our clock is 5 minutes behind every other clock I’ve seen!)
From the perspective of a teacher:
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If you want to talk to me, the best thing to do is call the school so that we can schedule a conference that is convenient for both our schedules.
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I have 32 students. I teach each of these students 6 different graded subjects. That is 198 grades. I cannot tell you what grade your son is making in Science without checking my grade book.
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If you must do a “drop-in” to check up on your child, the best time to do so is just after school ends, or 30 minutes before school begins. If you drop in between 8:15 and 2:40, I will not be able to talk to you. I have students to teach at this time.
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There is a reason why I call home only when your child misbehaves. Most students behave appropriately most of the time. If I were to call home when a student behaved appropriately, I would be spending hours every day calling home.
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Read the school handbook that is sent home on the first day of school. It will save you a lot of time.
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A “C” is average. Most students get C’s. A C is not a bad grade; it’s not a good grade. It’s average. That’s how the district handbook defines it, and that’s what my grading scale is designed to reflect.
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If you want to dispute a grade, please bring the test or essay in question with you. I gave your child the paper in question after I recorded the score in my gradebook. I make mistakes, and I am happy to correct them, but without some kind of evidence of said mistake, I am going to stay with my gradebook.
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Don’t call me at home. I’m off duty when I am at home. My gradebook and planbook are at the school. I probably can’t answer your question, and even if I can, I won’t. Call the school between 7am and 4:30pm and the secretary will relay your message to me and I will call back.
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Be on time for your conference. Come ready to discuss whatever the problem is in a calm, reasonable matter. If there is a problem, I want to know about it, and I want to work with you to correct it. But the first time you use an obscenity, the conference is over, and if you threaten me with violence I will call security to have you removed from campus.
Students do better in school if you:
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Have books in your home.
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Read to/with your child from the day he/she comes home from the hospital for 20 minutes a day.
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Take your child to the library once a week.
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Look at your child’s homework to make sure it has been done. You don’t have to check it; that’s my job; just make sure it gets done.
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Insist on seeing corrected papers that your student has gotten from the teacher.
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Make sure that your child gets a good night’s sleep and a nutritious breakfast each day.
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Make sure that your child gets to school on time each day.
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Don’t pull your child out of school an hour early every Friday. I still have class that last hour; Mary misses an hour of Geography every week as a result.
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Teach your child manners at home.
As a House of Knives guy:
Yes, it’s a sword. You’re 18? Then yes, you may hold it. You can admire it, toy with it, touch the blade (even though it makes my teeth hurt to see someone greasing up a blade all day). But if you start swinging it around, in general or at your buddies, I will take it away from you and you will not be allowed to hold swords anymore. It’s a crowded mall. You don’t get to do that here.
I actually had one guy practice striking behind him with a sharp samurai sword. I told him to stop, since THERE WAS A PERSON BEHIND HIM. At which point he informed me that no, there was no person behind him. My friend, who was standing behind him, disagreed. The man was not allowed to hold swords anymore.
Also, do not ask me if we carry illegal knives. We don’t. Know why? 'cause they’re illegal, and we’re a nationwide chain, not a backalley downtown knifeshop run out of a car’s trunk. No, I’m not keeping any in a stash. Leave.
Don’t hand me the knife by pointing the blade at me. Dosn’t scare me, but I’m going to assume that you’re just looking at it still. Do not try to urge me into taking it by making a little stabbing motion. THAT is somewhat nerve wracking. If you have trouble handing it to me handle first, put it down and I’ll pick it up. it’s not hard.
Also, again, when holding a sword, do NOT fake swinging it at me. It’s just a bad idea.
If you know nothing about steel, don’t ask what kind of steel it is. When I say that it’s ATS-34 and you look at me blankly and ask ‘Is it stainless?’ you just look like an idiot. You could have just asked that in the first place.
If you know nothing about knives, don’t pretend like you do! Believe me, I can tell! I work here because I love them and know most everything there is to know about them. I can tell when you’re making shit up. I’m happy to teach you about them if you want, but if you’re faking like you know what you’re talking about, I’ll just let you go on believing it. You’re not worth my time.
Finally, don’t try to teach me about knives. You can’t, and it’s annoying to watch you try.
As an afterthough, Number Six, I will be keeping all that in mind for when I have a kid. It’s good advice. Especially #11 on. Thank you.