How, as a customer, can I make your job not suck?

In My Humble Opinion
41

First and foremost, do NOT call the planetarium and ask if you can come over so we can show you the star you “bought.” First of all, the International Star Registry is, shall we say, barely legal - and they certainly have no official authority to “name” stars. And if you tell us that the star was named in honor of your dear departed great-grandmother, we’ll be placed in the awkward position of either breaking the news to you that the money you spent in memory of your loved one was entirely wasted on a gimmick with no more meaning than a pet rock, or we have to appear understanding and sympathetic to your recent loss by keeping the ugly truth from you - in the process giving silent support to the ISR. In any case, we’d have to gently inform you that the star you were ‘sold’ is undoubtedly far too dim to see with the naked eye, and therefore won’t appear on the dome, but you’re welcome to drop by anyway and we’ll show you the general area if you really want us to. Because we’re nice.

Secondly, during a show we are generally tolerant and understanding with crying or babbling babies for a total of about five minutes. Any longer than that and the problem needs to be addressed outside the theater, thankyouverymuch. And for the love of Pete, please use the exit doors I told you about at the beginning of the show, and not the doors I explicitly told you not to use, you know, the ones that lead directly outside and flood the room with light when you open them?

To the teachers who believe they’re drill sergeants: Relax, willya? The kids are SUPPOSED to have fun here, let them react to the show. A theater full of stone-quiet children is positively spooky, anyway.

And finally, during a live star talk, no matter how bad my jokes are, laugh at one or two of them at least. Please? Or better yet, ask a question. If I know you’re out there in the dark and halfway interested in what I’m talking about, my confidence level will go way up, and the show will be that much better.

42

More McDoanlds requests…

If you’re going to order $50 worth of food, at least have the decency to come inside to order. Drive thru is for fast service…4 20 piece nuggets do not count as fast.

If you’re going to be drunk, dont be a jerk to me. I don’t have to serve you. I have the right to refuse service, my manager will back me up on this, and I’ll back up my crew people. I will more than happily give you a refund, and tell you to have a nice night. And no, calling me a fat **** will not change my mind. If you insist on staying, I’ll call the cops for you, and you can explain to them why you have an open 6 pack in the seat next to you.

Yes, I’m the manager. That’s why I get the special shirt, and my nametag says “Pam, Manager” on it. Don’t tell me otherwise, just because I’m young, I’m not stupid.

For the love of God, don’t puke on the floors in the bathroom…

When we lock the doors, we’re not allowed to open them again. It’s a security thing. I could lose my job for it, even if you REALLy have to go pee!!! That’s not my problem. Suck it up, or go find a gas station.

Don’t try to scam free food off me. I’m here every night. Don’t try to tell me that you spoke to the other night manager, and he said it was okay for you to come pick up the $25 worth of food that we forgot to give you. We have stuff like that on file, we write down who calls and for what. Nobody mentioned you. And there aren’t any male night managers, just me, and Crystal 2 days a week. I’m not that stupid.

And if it works once, for Christ’s sake, don’t keep coming back. Yes, I remember you. Do it again, I’ll call the cops. It’s called stealing…

Yes, sweet and sour sauce is good. I understand you like it on your fries too. But you do NOT need 8 sauces for a 6 piece nugget meal. It’s called obsessive.

I could go on all night, I have tons of stuff to rant about. I should write a book…

43

Retail:
Do not ask “Should I buy this?” Do you like it? Does it fit? Do you want it? I can not decide this for you, nor do I want to. Thank god I no longer work in retail.

CD Store:
Don’t ask where Metallica is unless you’ve looked for it. Chances are, it’s under ROCK, under M, not in the hiphop section. There are labels for a reason. Don’t ask what we have in the store, either. We have CDs. Lots of CDs. The new stuff is clearly on display.

Receptionist:
If you must leave a message, for god’s sake, speak clearly. I can not count the times I have had to decipher crypic languages which are supposed to be English, but in no way resemble English.

Waitress:
Please don’t all order at once, especially if you are making numerous alterations to your food (no onions…extra this…that on the side.). While I am able to multi task and my job demands it, there is no need for everyone to speak at once. I’m sure there is no real hurry. And please, so not change your order after it has been placed in front of you. I’m sure there are occasions when what you receive is truly not what you thought you ordered, but try to avoid this as much as possible.

44

I’ve been wanting to complain about stuff for a long time, why not make my first post about it?
I work as a “Service Clerk” (Bagger/slave) at Jewel/Osco, a grocery store.

  1. Just because we work here doesn’t mean we know EXACTLY where each product is. We can usually give you a good idea of where it might be. If you need to know where things are, ask someone who looks older that 20. They are probably a manager.

  2. If we are wearing a nametag and a “Jewel” shirt…YES we work here, you can ask us questions.

  3. Don’t ask me if I need help when pushing carts outside. If you really want to help, take one of those carts.

  4. Don’t try to tip me, I’m not allowed to take tips and it makes me feel bad when you try to.

  5. I’ll help you out to your car if you have a large amount of groceries. If I forget to ask, please ask me to.

  6. We do not ask “Paper or Plastic” we assume you want plastic. If you have any special requests for packing (all paper, meat in plastic ect.) say so before I start bagging.

  7. Don’t assume I’m lowlife because I’m cleaning bathrooms. After all, that’s what I get paid to do. And lock the doors when you use the bathrooms.

  8. Don’t ask what brand is better…we just sell it. When asked, “Jewel brand. It’s cheaper and it may be better.”

  9. This has been addressed, but don’t put things in weird places. Yes I know you think that the eggs will be fine next to the bread but more spills happen that way.

  10. When in line, get your groceries onto the belt as fast as you can. We hate getting backed up, even more than packing extremly large orders in paper.

I bet I could think up a lot more, once I start training as a checker. And who ever it was that was making 8 bucks an hour for cashiering…wow. I’ll make 6.65.

45

Please remember that the cashier didn’t print the ad or steal all of the merchandise you wanted. We DO run out of things, and we’ll be happy to give you a raincheck. Yes, I know the sale just started today. Our deliveries aren’t synced up with the sales, and we sell those items all the time regardless of whether they’re on sale. This is also not false advertising.

Don’t tell us before we scan an item that the item is supposed to be on sale. We know it is. The register will ring it up on sale. If there’s a problem, tell us. We’ll be happy to try and fix it. Along the same line, tell us BEFORE you pay us. This is especially annoying when we have to put credit back on a credit card.

And finally…
I didn’t take your pictures, ma’am. I just developed them.

46

If there’s a problem, tell us after the item doesn’t scan at the sale price.

Sorry. :wally

47

Another thing for making your server’s life a little easier:

Please Please don’t let your kids run around! We are carrying heavy trays full of plates of food that others would like to eat. If this is dropped, not only is there a large mess on our hands, but another customer will have to wait for it to be prepared again, will probably yell at me, and my managers will have to get invlolved. This has not yet happened to me as i am reletively new to this job, but I have heard many a horror story from fellow wait-staff.

48

From my grocery store packer days in Wisconsin:

Don’t worry, I’ll figure out a way to get a dozen bags of food safely tucked into your tiny Corvette, but please keep your brakes on while I do so. Please. My feet may be numb from loading cars out in the subzero cold, but I will still * notice* if you manage to drive over them.

49

If you have a written description of your invention, your lab books, or the paper you’re planning to publish next week, please give me a copy.

Speaking of that paper you’re planning to publish, please tell me about it earlier than two days before it hits the newsstands. Worse yet, don’t make me prepare an emergency filing and then tell me at 11:56pm that the publication was actually yesterday. I’ll stay up all night trying to cover your ass, but only when it will actually do some good.

You are not my only client, and I do not work 24 hours a day on your application. If you have upcoming deadlines, I will do everything in my power to meet them, but I will not work 16-hour days just because you are feeling anxious without reason.

Please read my letters. If I ask you to review something and get back to me, please do it. If you don’t, I’ll keep your application alive, but don’t come crying to me about the extra bills.

[sub]OK, so not everyone will have an immediate use for this one. Sue me. :)[/sub]

50

  1. Don’t show up to parent-teacher conferences drunk or high.

  2. Have a clue about what your children are wearing when they leave your house (yes, I know kids can and and do change clothes later…but act as if you at least care about what they wear)

  3. When a teacher assigns a detention or other related behavioral consequence…don’t tell the kid he doesn’t have to comply, based solely on what “he” tells you. If you have a true concern, contact us. BTW, using the argument that other kids did not get the same consequence that your little Johnny did doesn’t wash. Not all speeders get pulled over by cops…deal with it.

  4. If you are here to “shadow” your student…it means he/she has been a major fuckup…and all other interventions have yet to work. Since you are in my classroom to shadow your little spawn of Satan, we would all appreciate it if you did not disrupt the classroom any more than your kid already does.