How do I dump her?

In My Humble Opinion
61

[QUOTE=ZipperJJ]
No no - do it on a HOLIDAY. So that once a year she can remember how you ruined her life instead of enjoying the day.
[/QUOTE]
Not just any holiday! Do it on a special one, like National Dance Like A Chicken Day (14 May), Sylvia Plath Day (27 October), or International Talk Like A Pirate Day (19 September). The latter offers some special opportunities for a particularly memorable breakup experience. “Aaarrggg! ‘ll be walkin’ yee ov’r tha plank now, lassie!” Also, send flowers, because nothing says, “I really love the way you adore me like a toddler’s blankie, but you drive me absolutely nuts with your suffocating demand for constant attention, interminable crying jags, and manipulative threats of self-injury, and every time I see you I wonder why thousands of people are killed in ethnic strife around the world every day but you can’t manage to die in a simple zebra crossing accident,” better than the castrated genitals of plants.

Stranger

62

[QUOTE=Stranger On A Train]
Not just any holiday! Do it on a special one, like National Dance Like A Chicken Day (14 May), Sylvia Plath Day (27 October), or International Talk Like A Pirate Day (19 September). The latter offers some special opportunities for a particularly memorable breakup experience. “Aaarrggg! ‘ll be walkin’ yee ov’r tha plank now, lassie!” Also, send flowers, because nothing says, “I really love the way you adore me like a toddler’s blankie, but you drive me absolutely nuts with your suffocating demand for constant attention, interminable crying jags, and manipulative threats of self-injury, and every time I see you I wonder why thousands of people are killed in ethnic strife around the world every day but you can’t manage to die in a simple zebra crossing accident,” better than the castrated genitals of plants.

Stranger
[/QUOTE]

NOW we’re getting into the spirit of things! Maybe you could break up with her in front of her loved ones, too, for even more spice.

(Mmm, castrated genitals of plants. I love 'em! So pretty, so smelly…)

63

[QUOTE=Zebra]
Did you ever see the movie Old Yeller?

This relationship must be put down, with solem dignity.
[/QUOTE]

Dude, I think shooting her is a bit extreme.

OP, you may have heard that you need to get growed up. So does your girl. Turning her loose will force her to learn how to stand on her own two feet as well. You’re in the best situation EVER to break up with someone. I mean, it’s not like you’re married and have a bunch of kids. Yet.

Try this: let her find out, and with no possibility of doubt, that you’re cheating. Let her find a manky rubber in your pocket or a video of you and another chick laughing about her while you screw. You’ll pay her in face what you owe her, and she’ll not feel as bad about losing you.

64

[QUOTE=featherlou]
NOW we’re getting into the spirit of things! Maybe you could break up with her in front of her loved ones, too, for even more spice.
[/QUOTE]
Pffft. Amateur. To make a really clean, memorable break, you need to do it in public, preferably in front of the [del]target[/del] significant other’s friends, co-workers, and neighbors. The breakup message should be concise, thorough, and for optimum clarity and personal safety, delivered via megaphone.

If it has been an especially deep and meaningful relationship, consider public advertising. Although radio time and local newspaper space is cheap, market research indicates that outdoor advertising, and in particular roadway billboards achieve maximum demographic saturation per advertising dollar. Internet advertising and blogging, once considered a major boon to expanding markets, is actually pretty limited in effect due to “ad blindness” and proliferation of ad-blocking web browsers. Don’t dismiss the effectiveness of viral marketing and grass roots campaigning, though; these can be really cost effective ways to get your message to the intended audience despite the jaded blindness of the viewing public toward traditional channels of advertising.

Good luck to you, IntelSoldier, in whatever method you choose.

Stranger

65

Tell her you cheated on her, repeatedly. It will probably make her more receptive to having you out of her life. It sounds like you’d both be better off, and it also sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do.

I once dated an emotionally needy guy like this, and I had to have a heart of stone to break up with him. He bawled the entire time I drove him back to his house after cleaning out my room of his stuff. I wasn’t happy that he was traumatized, but I also recognized it wasn’t my fault. It is not my responsibility to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy. Neither is it yours.

66

[QUOTE=Stranger On A Train]
Pffft. Amateur. To make a really clean, memorable break, you need to do it in public, preferably in front of the [del]target[/del] significant other’s friends, co-workers, and neighbors. The breakup message should be concise, thorough, and for optimum clarity and personal safety, delivered via megaphone.
[/QUOTE]

My vote would be to do the breakup through stadium jumbotron in front of 50,000 spectators:

TO GIRLFRIEND
FROM INTEL

. . .

WILL YOU

. . .

GET THE HELL
OUT OF MY LIFE?
The stadium camera crew will be right there filming every emotion on her face as it happens. It’ll be great.

67

Oooh, that’s a good one! Preferably at a sports event that she really likes, at an important moment during the playoffs or something.

68

[QUOTE=ZipperJJ]
No no - do it on a HOLIDAY. So that once a year she can remember how you ruined her life instead of enjoying the day.

Whee!
[/QUOTE]

Her birthday. Do it instead of getting her a birthday present, saying that you breaking up with her is her gift.

69

Nah. If you want to really get through to her, wait for the death of a loved one. Nothing says “special” regarding a breakup unless mortality is involved.

70

Grow a pair and end it. You’re already cheating on her (what’s worse than that?).
When you do it - get to the point quickly and don’t sugar coat it. Tell her like it is and make it final.

71

Alright, some of those ideas were pretty funny. I’d have no problem crushing the poor girl except that I really want her to land on her feet. If I hated her, it’d be different. The problem is that I love the girl, just not in the way (or as much?) as she wants me to. Otherwise, this’d be a piece of cake.

About the cheating…I wouldn’t call it ‘rampant’. It’s been about 3 girls in 2 years, most of which are guaranteed clean, the rest are ‘most likely’ clean. Other than that, it’s just been non-disease style. You know, like kissing, flirting, and whatnot. Yeah, she’d be pissed about it, but not diseased from it.

Two free tickets, three people
72

[QUOTE=Stranger On A Train]
Not just any holiday! Do it on a special one, like National Dance Like A Chicken Day (14 May), Sylvia Plath Day (27 October), or International Talk Like A Pirate Day (19 September). The latter offers some special opportunities for a particularly memorable breakup experience. “Aaarrggg! ‘ll be walkin’ yee ov’r tha plank now, lassie!” Also, send flowers, because nothing says, “I really love the way you adore me like a toddler’s blankie, but you drive me absolutely nuts with your suffocating demand for constant attention, interminable crying jags, and manipulative threats of self-injury, and every time I see you I wonder why thousands of people are killed in ethnic strife around the world every day but you can’t manage to die in a simple zebra crossing accident,” better than the castrated genitals of plants.

Stranger
[/QUOTE]
Except for the fact it is almost a year away, I would suggest right after the festivities conclude on March 14th Just make sure the festivities are concluded before you tell her.

73

[QUOTE=IntelSoldier]
I didn’t mean to make it sound like she’s a nutjob. She’s totally normal psychologically (except for a few things..but aren’t we all?) and isn’t the suicidal/make-a-scene type.

No, I’m not 15. I’m 22, she’s 20.
[/QUOTE]

How long have you been together? I was in the end of a 2-year relationship when I was 20 and she was 18. She was clingy and insecure, and when I first seriously tried to break up with her she threatened to commit suicide. I ended up not breaking up with her that night, but not too long later I told her how I wasn’t happy in the relationship anymore. I also may have cried. If you put it in terms of how you feel, she can’t grasp at straws and say she’s going to change things (that she ultimately won’t anyway. Sorry if that’s cynical, but a clingy, baggage-filled relationship at your age [and please don’t take this as my calling you a whippersnapper-- I’m not that much older and I still remember just how hard it was to extricate myself from a relationship that had become so distasteful to me] isn’t going to change, it’s only going to get worse. Few people have defined themselves well enough to know how to address being proactive about changing certain aspects of themselves, at least in relationship terms) and try to make things better so you’ll stick around.

People who are saying “You just need to do it, man. Suck it up and deal,” are only half right, because I feel like they either don’t remember how much it sucks dealing with relationship drama at that age, or they never had the clingy, emotionally manipulative significant other. They are right in that it’s the best thing, but even though it’s easy to say, it’s definitely not easy to do. I’m not recommending dragging it out by any means, only that when you do it you have to be firm, but sometimes you have to give a little.

This may make me sound like a jackass, but when an SO is emotionally manipulative (and it’s not entirely clear that yours is, IS, but usually clingy and emotionally manipulative go hand in hand, in my experience), it’s perfectly fine to outright lie if you see things going really badly or if you’re not getting what you want. I think I may have even said that I “needed a break” just to begin putting that distance between us, even though I already knew that I was completely done with it. The crying was also some emotional manipulation of my own, because I sure as hell wasn’t sad to be leaving. I guess I’m saying that you use whatever you can.

But maybe I’ve misread your characterization of the situation, and a firm but gentle stance about breaking up, using only “I” statements will get you out of it. In either case, good luck man-- I feel your pain.

ETA: oh, and just so I’m not coming from the complete jackassery territory, I definitely loved this girl, and wanted her to be happy. I was just no longer willing to deprioritize (or sacrifice) my own happiness for hers.

74

[QUOTE=IntelSoldier]
Alright, some of those ideas were pretty funny. I’d have no problem crushing the poor girl except that I really want her to land on her feet. If I hated her, it’d be different. The problem is that I love the girl, just not in the way (or as much?) as she wants me to. Otherwise, this’d be a piece of cake.

About the cheating…I wouldn’t call it ‘rampant’. It’s been about 3 girls in 2 years, most of which are guaranteed clean, the rest are ‘most likely’ clean. Other than that, it’s just been non-disease style. You know, like kissing, flirting, and whatnot. Yeah, she’d be pissed about it, but not diseased from it.
[/QUOTE]

Please don’t try to “explain” your infidelity. As this is not the Pit, I’ll save my breath, except to observe that you don’t love this girl (or may just not know what love is).

Breaking up is like firing someone.

First, be clear and concise. Begin with “I’m breaking up with you.” Don’t be equivocal, don’t be hesistant. Otherwise, you run the risk of confusing the issue, and your “breakup” becomes a long heart-to-heart talk about your relationship that she assumes has made you both closer. Be clear about what you are intending, and be sure she has no doubts about it, either.

Second, you can’t avoid being the asshole. Trying to break up with someone while still being a “nice guy” won’t work. It’s her right to be mad, to be hurt, and to be angry. Respect her enough to allow her that. Ideally, in time, she’ll mellow in her feelings, and come to believe that this decision was really for the best. But that time isn’t when the breakup occurs.

Or, in short, man up, grow a pair, and make it short and sweet.

75

[QUOTE=IntelSoldier]
About the cheating…I wouldn’t call it ‘rampant’. It’s been about 3 girls in 2 years, most of which are guaranteed clean, the rest are ‘most likely’ clean. Other than that, it’s just been non-disease style. You know, like kissing, flirting, and whatnot. Yeah, she’d be pissed about it, but not diseased from it.
[/QUOTE]

How do you know they’re “guaranteed clean”? And the “most likely” doesn’t really cut it. If you really have any love for her, you’ll be honest and give her the option of getting her health checked out. It’s the least you can do.

76

“most” and “the rest” do not fit with “2 or 3”. And it doesn’t matter how many there were anyway. One is enough to put your girlfriend at risk. If you were not checked (six weeks after sex and before going back to your girlfriend) then you have put her at risk of disease. If you care about her as you say you do, then you give her the chance to protect her own health by getting checked before a mild dose of Chlamydia (very common and often symptomless) turns into Pelvic Inflammatory Disease - which could leave her in hospital or infertile or both.

You seem to be backing off your OP; “How do I dump her?”

Like a grown up. Clearly, cleanly and quick. That’s how you dump her.

77

[QUOTE=faithfool]
Nah. If you want to really get through to her, wait for the death of a loved one. Nothing says “special” regarding a breakup unless mortality is involved.
[/QUOTE]

You could, umm, “help” a loved one to die on her birthday, so you can have the best of both worlds.

78

[QUOTE=IntelSoldier]

About the cheating…I wouldn’t call it ‘rampant’. It’s been about 3 girls in 2 years, most of which are guaranteed clean, the rest are ‘most likely’ clean. Other than that, it’s just been non-disease style. You know, like kissing, flirting, and whatnot. Yeah, she’d be pissed about it, but not diseased from it.
[/QUOTE]

What?? Please tell me you got STD tests. i mean, I know guys don’t have gynecologists, but surely you’d be smart enough to get checked out… right? And two years. Lordy. You are really dragging this out.

79

And now we’ve touched on one of my pet peeves - STD tests are not 100% accurate, and if there is even the slightest chance of infection, do not rely on a negative test result. Come to think of it, never rely on a negative test result period - that’s just another version of Russian Roulette. I’m willing to assume that IntelSoldier has not had unprotected sex with either his girlfriend or any of his cheating buddies, because that would be so far beyond stupid that I don’t think he would be able to figure out how to use a computer to interact here.

Which is not to say Intel and his girlfriend should not get tested if there was any unprotected contact; they should. Just don’t start have wild, bareback monkey sex because all the tests came back negative.

80

You could always tell her that you’ve developed a keen interest in male buttocks