I can’t stand the girlfriend anymore. She’s needy, clingy, emotional (cries daily), and boring. She’s shy, and I hate that. She lacks any self-confidence and is extremely immature (she’s 20 and calls herself a child, not an adult). The problem is that she’s really nice and loving. She takes care of me (tries to) and asks about my day. She cried hysterically the other day, to the point of gasping for air, because she thought it was a possibility that I might get rid of her. At the vague mention of it months ago, she said she’d be a ball on a bed that someone would have to feed every once in a while if I ever went away. How can I get rid of a person like that? I can’t look her in the eye and break her heart, can I?
I should probably mention the sex. Rather, the lack thereof. Since late February, it’s been maybe 3 or 4 times. She’s said it doesn’t matter to her if we ever do it- she could go years without it and be perfectly happy. If I keep cheating on her like I do, she’ll eventually catch me and that’ll hurt her worse, I think. If I stopped, well…I’d go insane.
I feel so depressed because of this. How can I make myself happy if it means absolutely demolishing another person? Help…please!
Sounds like you aren’t communicating with each other very well. Let her know exactly how you feel and give it a few days or weeks (depending on how long you’ve been together) to see what happens. If she does a 180 then you have the girlfriend you want. If she doesn’t then you aren’t right for each other and she’ll eventually understand that.
By the way, you aren’t going to get any sympathy for the “if I don’t cheat I’ll go insane” bit. Not from me or anyone else. It’s not cool, especially not with a girl so obviously fragile.
Okay, I have spent the day writing about the freaking american lumber industry, and my wife is at work being tormented by a racist asshole and I can’t do anything about it, so right now I hate everyone. So forgive the tone if I’m over the top.
Man up. Tell her the truth and get it over with. Pretend you’ve got balls.
Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Seriously, you need to just do it. You aren’t really doing her any favors by staying with her out of guilt or pity, and you’re definitely not doing her any favors by cheating on her. There’s not going to be an easy out for you. The best thing to do is just get it over with. Don’t be cruel, but be firm. If there’s no chance of you two ever getting back together, don’t let her think that there is. Tell her that although you care very much for her and don’t want to hurt her, the relationship isn’t giving EITHER of you what you need, and you feel it’s best for you both to move on. It sounds like she won’t take it well no matter what you say.
You have my sympathies. Ending a relationship is never easy or fun.
First off, I’m not looking for sympathy for the cheating. At least, I don’t expect anyone to tell me it’s OK. I do expect people to take my word for it that it’s either that, dump her, or go nuts. Of the three, I’m currently opting for the first one, shooting for the second.
Secondly, the problem is that the relationship is giving HER what she needs. It’s my end that’s getting shorted. She’s perfectly happy, totally in love. I’m so…not. The question, though, was HOW do I do it?
If you think there’s a good chance she’ll get overly dramatic and/or violent, I’d do it over the phone. It sounds very chickenshit, but better safe than sorry (or in jail) I always say. If you think there’s a good chance she’ll take it okay, it’s best to go to her home and do it there. You don’t live together, right? If it would minimize the drama to be out in public, take her to dinner and tell her there. If she’s sure to cause a scene, then definitely don’t do that.
At any rate, just do it. Dragging it out isn’t helping anyone. Do it tomorrow. And don’t forget to update us.
I’m going to have to agree with Skald on this one. Man up and be honest with her. The more you drag it out the more painful it is going to get. If you have enough stones to cheat on someone you should have more than enough in you to do the right thing and end it. Yes, it will suck a lot. She will also be upset but she’ll get over it eventually.
Make your point in a way that is not unnecessarily mean and do not leave room for you two getting back together if you have no interest in doing so.
Take her out somewhere nice (maybe where you had your first date, but that “back to the beginning” stuff may make it seem bitter so use your discretion), and get her a gift (not like a diamond ring, just like flowers) to soften the blow a little. Break up with her in private though (don’t start a scene in the resturaunt). Explain to her you’re doing this for both of you, what would happen if you got married? These feeling would come out eventually and then you have a divorce, worse if you ahve kids. Even without marraige eventually you’ll get bitter, she’ll get frustrated and it’ll all end in one big clusterfuck with neither party being civil to the other, and potentially some underhanded, hate-fuelled guerilla warfare on each other (not fun).
I’ve seen this happen, one side was content, the other pissed off it is not a pretty picture when dragged out.
One suggestion though, if she gets depressed and starts making threats (i.e. killing herself), do NOT cave and go out with her. Get her counselling, report it, probably to a mutual friend or a family member of hers you know (i.e. sister or parent if you’ve met them) or something similar. Hell, even try and talk her out of it as a friend (assuming you want to be friends with her and you only dislike the relationship aspect of it). If you cave, you’ll only want to get out again, and when you do the feelings she felt the first time will come back even more amplified.
She is not perfectly happy. She cries every day. She doesn’t want to have sex with you (which, considering your increased risk of passing on infection, is lucky for her).
Like the others have said, just tell her - you are not happy, you will not *be *happy with her. It is over, there is no chance of changing your mind. You don’t want to hurt her but you know you will if you stay.
She’ll be hurt, but she will get over it. She’ll be better off and will move on to happier, healthier relationships.
I’m sorry, but your OP made me laugh. What are you, 15? When you want a relationship to end, you end it. Nothing could be simpler (notice I said simple, not easy). And don’t do anything that Jragon suggests - don’t take her out, don’t buy her a [del]thing to throw at you[/del] gift, don’t say you’re doing it for both of you - that’s bullshit and she’ll know it. Just say we need to talk, and tell her you’re not happy with the relationship and you are ending it.
If you can’t muster the courage and honesty to level with her, try couples therapy. That’s where you pay someone to help you break up. Expensive, but usually pretty graceful.
She’s manipulating you. If she’s that nuts, she needs therapy, not a boyfriend who only stays with her out of misplaced guilt. Probably she just enjoys the drama.
Normally I’d agree with you, just end it, but if she’s anywhere near as sensitive as he’s making her out to be it could be volatile, and potentially damaging to her if he does it the usual way. Even an attempt to sugar coat it with what you call “bullshit” can soften the blow, he obviously cares about her enough to not want to demolish her, and it may, in fact, not be bullshit when looking at it with that part of the issue in mind. We’re trying to end the relationship AND leave both person’s emotional well-being in tact (well, as intact as they can be after a breakup), and if that means doing things a little unorthodox and softening the blow so be it. Sure, she may throw the gift at him, or whatever, get mad and call everything he says a lie or bullshit, but when tehy dwell on it afterwards they usually see that he really probably was trying to let her down gently and avoid some of the more disastrous levels of depression.
Well, about the crying thing: She cries about everything. It’s not the relationship usually. It’s everything else. Today, she cried because her friend got cast as a lead in a show and she was in the ensemble. In my head, I’m like “that’s cuz she’s better than you, honey.” but she wants me to talk her up. It seems meaningless to me because surely she knows I’m lying, right? The other day, it was because she’s “stressed out” about school, but who isn’t?
I didn’t mean to make it sound like she’s a nutjob. She’s totally normal psychologically (except for a few things…but aren’t we all?) and isn’t the suicidal/make-a-scene type.
Sorry for the double post, but I just KNOW someone is going to call me out due to the lack of experience at doing this I’ve made clear in some of my other posts, but as a preemptive defense I’m basically the de facto relationship advice guy to people I know, basically one of those people that can give advice but not follow it himself. I’ve given quite a bit and it’s mostly succesful. Feel free to attack my arguments of course, I’m not too emotionally attached to my views on the subject, I just wanted to put that out there before anyone uses that particular argument against me.
Oh, I got the wrong picture then, sorry. Just tell her how you feel next time you see her. Hell, if you want just say “it’s over” and don’t bother explaining (unless she asks of course and you feel for her enough to give her that courtesy).
My advice stands. Tell her - clearly, firmly and with whatever kindness you feel is appropriate. You said yourself in the OP - staying and cheating will only make the inevitable break-up more painful and messy.
Once upon a time, I guy I was dating actually dropped to his knees, wrapped his arms around my legs, and begged me not to leave him.
I was just going to work, although I had wanted to break up with him.
I went through periods of thinking that it was too difficult to break up with him, but, about 4 weeks later, I did. No one was benfitting from that relationship.
Today, I am happily married and I hear he is as well.
IMHO she is playing you like a flute. You mention you might break up with her, she cries and you shut up, and drop the subject.
Dude, she has you trained. Like a seal.
As was said up thread, grow a pair and tell her. Don’t back down, and stick to your guns.
Whatever you do, don’t go out with her one last time, and no matter how tempting, don’t boff her again.
Make a clean break.
You are not responsible for her actions.
You are, however, responsible for your own actions.
