Peter Griffen: Lois, “Who’s the Boss” is not a food.
I hate to bump this after a few weeks of non-activity, but I didn’t want to start a new topic…
Anyways, I want to get involved in more activities - and this may be a dumb question - but how the hell do I find activities to join? I tried checking Craig’s List, but there doesn’t seem to be any large groups of interest.
I guess another problem is I don’t even know what kind of group I would join. What worked for you guys?
Toastmasters would be a great one - they’re all over the place.
Look in your local newspaper and see who’s holding meetings on a weekly/monthly basis.
The question isn’t what groups or interests work for us, it’s what works for Red Barchetta. Find something of interest to you and join it, even if the current group is small. If there’s no group, post on Craigslist (or wherever) and offer to start one.
Back to your OP, with your current social stamina at 10 minutes, my suggestion is: Keep the conversation going for 10 minutes, then politely excuse yourself to get another drink / say hi to an old friend who just walked in / go to the bathroom and scream to relieve tension.
This is so true for me. I’m shy, I’ve been shy all my life, and I’m in sales. For some reason, if it’s “for business” I can forget my self-consciousness. Then, when it’s not “for business” I simply act as if it is.
For me, the biggest thing I do to make myself feel comfortable is I ask questions. I don’t care if the question seems simple or silly, I just ask. I never coast along not knowing exactly what the other person is talking about. I always get them to clarify. For some reason, that tends to open up the conversation a lot. It shows that I’m listening, that I’m not posturing, and that I’m willing to be educated.
I’ll post again with some ideas of groups. www.toastmasters.org will let you search by zip code, which is an easy way to find a group near you.
If you have any spiritual/religious beliefs, attend the appropriate place of worship and consider joining the congregation. Unitarian Universalist is good if you believe in something but it doesn’t fit in a clear category. Just about any congregation will have small groups and volunteer work and potlucks.
Look at the extension classes at your local community college. Maybe cooking classes or a foreign language, since you have an excuse to interact with people to practice. A lot of people are taking this kind of class not as a full-time student but because they, like you, want a new social experience.
Volunteer work can be good. Pick a cause you care about and an activity that uses your skills, and that involves interacting with groups of other volunteers. Clearing trails, working on Habitat houses, and seasonal community festivals are good options.
I really liked groman’s advice not to look down on the people you meet. Don’t be like Yogi Berra and refuse to join any club that will have you as a member.
Also, budget some emotional energy for dealing with the frustrations of being with people. They will be late, occasionally whiny, will give bad directions, etc. Don’t let that take you by surprise and make you snappish.
Yeah…I don’t get it.
You may have amused yourself but if we were in an acutal conversation, I might be like “whats wrong with this guy”.
The problem with relationships based on alchohol or drugs is that they give you a false sense of community. It also makes you overestimate how charming you really are. Everyone’s friends because everyone is in the same altered state. If you’ve ever been the sober designated driver at a party, you know what I’m talking about. Everyone seems to be on a different wavelength. Problem is that this feeling doesn’t last when you wake up the next day. You’re hung over and you can barely remember half the shit you did or half the people you talked to last night.
People who really like drinking or drugs tend to focus on the substances more than their personal relationships. Eventually you’re “network” will only consist of other people who share your vices and most of your activities will focus on going out and getting wasted each weekend.
I’m not sure but it sounds like your idea of good social skills is being able to party down. “Childless single person with free time and a wild streak” often translates to “alchoholic/drug addict who can’t maintain a relationship”. Being a drunken buffon is not “good social skills” after age 25 or so.
Most of the lawyers, doctors, college students, etc (IOW “professionals”) I know are actually very good communicators. Their style of communication, however, is very different from, say, cops, firemen, or construction workers. Professionals or aspiring professionals tend to take themselves and their career seriously so they are often not amused or interested in things that appeal to other people.
They often find people who are excessively “communicative” to be loud and borish.
A couple of guidlines when carrying on a conversation:
-Be aware of how interested the other person is in what you have to say, not how much you are interested in saying it
-Most people are not interested in D&D, anime, Star Wars and other fantasy crap
-Quoting Southpark, Simpsons, Dave Chapelle, Family Guy, Office Space, etc is not original or funny and makes you appear juvenile
-Insulting things or people the person you are talking to cares about is a good way to turn them off
-Excessive bitterness, bitching, whining and complaining is generally a turn off to anyone you would actually want to maintain a relationship with
-Getting too personal with someone for the particular level of your relationship can make them uncomfortible
-Know when the coversation is over and politely excuse yourself
-Intentionally making someone feel awkward and uncomfortible makes you look like a borish jerk
-replying to someone with something that has nothing to do with what they said makes you look at worst self centered or at best like an imbecile (assuming you would rather look like a dummy than a jerk).
-People who never speak make others uncomfortible
-People who never shut up are borish