As I’ve mentioned before, I play an on-line game called Everquest. Much like the SDMB and various chat boards, you tend to meet people and make friends. On and off for the past six months, I’ve chatted with a 16 year old boy. He’s articulate, smart, and overall a pretty good kid. He’s going through the typical things a 16 year old does - going from feeling like girls will never like him, to falling in love, to breaking up and feeling like his heart has been torn out.
Consistently, though, through all of this, he’s been depressed and miserable. I’ve felt for a long time that his depression goes beyond simple teenage angst, and now he’s mentioned things like feeling completely apathetic towards everything, and watching people around him have interests and hobbies and wondering why they care so much about them. Isn’t apathy a sign of major depression?
Anyway, being an anonymous person far away from this kid, I know there’s not much I can do for him other than listen. I would like to encourage him to seek some sort of help, though. If it were during the school year, I could try to get him to talk to a guidance counselor, but it’s not. He says his parents don’t care - whether that’s true or not, it’s hard to say, but suffice to say I’ve tried to get him to talk to his Mom or Dad about this stuff and he won’t. Is there anything else I can do for him? Who can I encourage him to talk to who might be a little more helpful than I can be?
For what it’s worth, he’s in Canada somewhere - not exactly sure where.
I’m not sure I can help in any specific advice-type way, but I just wanted to say ‘good on you’ for trying to help the boy. Not many people would take the time or the thought.
Maybe he just needs to get his first girlfriend…or suggesting the benefits of exercise over the doubtless engagingness of Everquest might be a positive thing.
He actually did take several months off of Everquest, which I figured was a good thing. While he was gone, he had his first girlfriend, but she dumped him after two months or so. He’s back, now, and depressed as ever.
He is interested in exercise, but is embarrassed to go to the gym or go out running. I’ve tried to encourage this, but not having much luck.
Like I said… I can only do so much, being anonymous and thousands of miles away. I can encourage all I want… but it doesn’t seem to do much good.
Possibly give him a link to the boards? I’ve seen a lot of cheering up go on around here. Not sure how much good it did, but it’s something you can do from far away.
What you really need to tell him is to go see a doctor and get him some meds if the doctor feels that he has major/clinical depression. That can only be cured with medication and counseling.
even if his parents truly don’t care (possible, but doubtful), doesn’t he have any other relatives? aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents? even if we’re talking massively dysfunctional family here, he might at least be able to hook up with a cousin who’s willing to listen and be supportive.
does his family have any religious affiliation? could he talk to someone at his church/synagogue/coven/whatever?
any Canadian dopes – you guys have any public health groups that can provide counseling/support?
Hell, I do want to dismiss it. Sometimes he really does drive me nuts… but… I just can’t blow him off. He’s a kid who’s been blown off a lot, by friends and family. Or, at least, he’s a kid who feels he’s been blown off a lot, which is just as bad.
I don’t think he’s religious. At least, he’s never mentioned it. He doesn’t have a lot of friends.
I just feel like he needs some professional help. I can’t do much other than talk to him. If I can talk him into trying to get help, where does he go? Parents and school are not an option. Where do 16 year olds with possible mental health problems go for help?
If it helps, I’m pretty sure he’s in Calgary. I thought about it some, and I seem to recall him telling me that.
The best thing you can do to help the guy is to do just what you are doing now–be there for him. His teenage life is constantly changing , and therefore frightening to him. He needs an anchor, something to grab onto that won’t dump him .
Right now, you are that anchor, and God bless you for caring enough to play that role.
I was there when I was his age, and I speak from experience.
He feels like nobody cares about him. Whether it’s true is irrelevant–he thinks it is true. (By the way, he probably has a stable family home, with parents who bought him his computer, and a nice enough house for him to have a private room to use it while they pay the phone bill… So he may have more family support than he realizes–but it won’t make him feel any better about himself right now.)
The same is true for his friends.He probably has a few friends who like him, but he feels like he doesnt match up with their social circle, so he feels totally alone even if they invite him to a party.
What he does have right now, is you, Athena.
And the anonymity of the internet helps.
What he probably needs is a place to cry a few tears --but nobody wants to do that in front of other people.
So let him pour out his troubles to you, anonymously. And please, find the patience to let him do it. You may be the only anchor he has right now.
For professional help, there are hotlines in every city. Some are specially tuned to young people’s crises. Try to get him to tell you where he lives, and maybe you can search the web and find a phone number to recommend to him.
But mostly, please,–just be there, and don’t dump him now.
No, I’m not gonna dump him. Id have done that a long time ago if that’s what I was gonna do. I just wish I could help him more. No matter what I say, he never seems to feel better.
I think you’re probably right on the family and friends thing. Like I said, he had a girlfriend. In fact, he sent a picture to me of him and 3 girls, so life can’t be all bad.
There are online clubs for depressed people [all ages] Maybe you could drop a hint? The best thing - ofcourse - would be real life professional help, but how to get him there…
As others have said, the best thing would be getting him professional treatment. However, you simply listening can do much more good than it seems. Don’t try to be aggressively cheerful or somehow seek to prove to him that his life isn’t bad, because rational arguments won’t work and will probably end upsetting him. Just let him vent, be as nonjudgemental as you can. I’d recommend writing down a suicide hotline number for him and keeping it on your desk. If he starts having such impulses, don’t try and solve it yourself. Give him the hotline number and push him to call it. Such feelings require more help than we amateurs can give.
But basically, just be a calm sounding-board for him. That can go quite a long way to steadying a depressive person’s life.
i agree with everyones advice about being there for him but be careful. Because you aren’t with him 24/7 and also do not see him he might be over or under exagerating his situation. It is good he has you to talk to but he needs help that is right there. The one problem: getting him to seek help. He probably doesn’t even realize the full extent of his problem and getting help definatly wouldn’t be on the top of his list. I have been in somewhat the same situation but with my best friend who lived half a country away. I didn’t even let the thought of ‘help’ cross my mind untill my friend actually called my parents, who had no idea, and told them. It’s a hard situation and no matter if it is a little or big problem it’s gotta be helped. Good luck