How do I keep from getting stuck in the "acquaintance zone"?

In My Humble Opinion
61

I’d take the part out about being pretty; something like 'Hey, I liked what you said about X in class the other day, want to go get a burger and talk more about it?" is better. If you don’t have a class with her, then “Hey, I’ve noticed (you wear tshirts for X tv show, you listen to X band, you were talking with your friends about X movie, you’re on the whatever sports team); I’m interested in that too! Want to get together and talk about it tomorrow after school?”

I absolutely, 100% agree with everything phouka said. If you’re even a small percentage as needy/desperate in your real life interactions as you are here, you’re pinging every subconscious alarm that girls have. Just reading your posts makes me uncomfortable. Your constant repetition of ‘I’m desperate to have a girlfriend/I don’t want to be one of THOSE guys’ implies that you’re not looking to date for the sake of getting to know a particular girl, but rather to check a box off in the life category- and I promise that that comes across IRL. The best piece of advice I can offer about dating is if you can’t stand to be with yourself, you can’t really expect others to stand being with you on an intimate level. Work on yourself first- particularly your anxiety- and the rest will fall into place.

62

I could be wrong, but I doubt many people have caught on to the fact that you walk up to strangers you don’t know and start asking them questions.

Take Nikki Tikki Tavi’s good advice. It’s based on the premise that you’re chatting with a girl you have English class with, and that you have an assignment you theoretically could work on together. The advice doesn’t work if it’s a stranger who has no idea who you are.

Some men can see a cute woman at a bookstore or the laundry mat, strike up a conversation, and get a date. Those men are suave and confident. It’s not a great way to get started.

63

So what do you advise for this situation? Immediately asking her out as some have suggested?

Because I find myself in this one a lot. Almost all my crushes last year were girls that don’t know me.

64

I think you should stop pursuing women who have no idea who you are. Chat up that girl from your English class who knows your name but hasn’t had the opportunity to get to know you, for example.

When people say immediately ask them out, do you interpret that to mean by the end of your first interaction with them, or are you considering making it your opening line? In other words, do you at least introduce yourself to these women or do you jump right into questioning them?

65

Do not do this. It will not work. It is a terrible idea.

66

You’re right…this is is how I feel…

67

Do you have any people in your circle of friends that are in her orbit? If you want to avoid the cold approach, then you’ve got to find a person in common that you can at least reference.

Let me ask you this, are you even in the same socio-economic orbit? If she is the rich girl, and you are the poor boy, that puts you at an extreme disadvantage.

It sounds like you go to a very big school, that can make it tough because it is easy to become just a face in the crowd.

On the other hand, a larger school does present more opportunities to expand your circle of friends.

I’d start smiling and being friendly to as many people as possible; someone suggested earlier to practice your talking game on everyone, not just the girls you are infatuated with.

I agree, it not only establishes your reputation as that friendly talkative guy, but should you expand your circle of friends, you’ve got a higher probability of knowing someone in common on your next crush.

I get the impression, that you have a pretty intense one right know. It sucks dude, I remember that feeling, we’ve all been there.

You want answers about what to do right now, with this particular girl, don’t you?

It sounds like you have thought of everything you know about her, and don’t see anything that you can use as a pretense to approach her, right?

Do you know anyone who has a class with her?

How are you even aware of her in the first place, is she just a pretty face in the hall?

There has to be something you can use as an excuse to say hi to her, keep thinking.

However, the reason they call these things crushes, is because they crush you and make you feel like shit.

Hang in there, it gets better.

68

Okay, I’ll take this approach.

Simple Pickup on YouTube has a video on this (asking out girls in class as you have advised): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoBLbtfRjwc

What do you think? Would you agree with what this guy advises?

69

No. You should ignore all of that.

70

True that. :smiley:

71

Well that was quick…did you even watch the video? I know from the name of the channel it sounds dubious, but honestly, what that guy says seemed pretty reasonable.

72

You don’t want to “pick up” women. You need to learn to relax and talk to people like a regular human being. That takes practice, not Youtube tutorials.

73

Just to make sure, are you saying you feel like that bolded part (or that you don’t feel like that, but are worried that you’re unintentionally coming across like that?)?

Depending on your answer, I’ll have a (hopefully useful :D) follow up.

74

Yeah I know. That’s why I said that it seems dubious at first, but really, that guy seemed to have good tips. He just said to make your intentions clear early on and then start asking her to do stuff with you and to avoid “playing it safe” (so talking about other things besides school). Kind of what you guys advised actually. Nothing that he said really seemed, you know, PUA-ish, at least to me.

75

I feel like the bolded part. Like someone else said, I am worried about theoretically being alone forever and never experiencing sex/romance

76

My understanding from reading this is OP is a teenager. I’m not sure, based on my knowledge of nieces/nephews lives that I could be successful in the teenage dating scene. In my day (puts on extreme old man glasses and clothing), I felt it was very easy. You were expected to ask a girl out essentially quite soon after you decided you wanted to go out with her. This applied to girls you had acquaintanceships and friendships with and even girls you maybe are just meeting for the first time. You did it as a gentleman, and when shot down (which would happen often) you moved on and didn’t dwell.

But I understand kids and even twenty somethings don’t “date” like people did back then (or even people in their 50s like myself do to this day if they are unmarried.) So I think that makes it a lot harder to make things unambiguous and get a straight up/down acceptance/rejection.

Maybe I’m wrong though. But if this were my day, my advice would simply be that you need to be confident and calm in how you talk to girls, and don’t dawdle in showing obvious signs of interest building up to asking them out. Don’t be afraid to ask them out even if their signs of interest are not obvious. Especially when I was a teenager, both sides of that equation are just learning the ropes. The girl may be interested in you but doesn’t know how to show it (girls don’t just naturally get good at this either, it takes time.) But again, it’s good to actually ask someone out because it gives you an unambiguous yes/no.

And by that, I mean if she says yes, that means yes, she’s interested. If she says ANYTHING other than yes, in any form, it means no, whether she actually says no straight out or not. Once that happens do not be a stalker and keep after it.

But again, with my understanding of modern teen culture I don’t know how applicable any of that advice is.

77

Well… mostly I’m saying there are two strategies. One strategy is to be direct and up-front (and prepared to hear “No” quite a bit) and the other strategy is to build up the circle of friends and then pick a girl from that circle.

I know for a fact that it can work to just approach someone and ask them out on a date or strike up a conversation. I had a friend who could pull that off. If you’re trying to start a relationship from thin air, I think it’s the only approach that will work. (For what it’s worth, my one girlfriend in high school approached me that way.)

But that’s never been my style. My circle of friends in college included my classmates, co-workers at a part-time job, a church group, a role-playing club (which, admittedly had few girls) and a lot of people I knew online. My wife came from the group I met online. When we finally met in person, I let her know that I was interested in making it a romantic relationship. (Which is important, I think. Had I tried to wait another year to say something, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have worked.)

I’m not really sure which strategy will work for you, partly because you’re so desperate to get someone. I never felt desperate about it. I don’t know if there’s a way to tell yourself that you’re only 16, you have a lot of important things to do, and there’ll be plenty of time for girls later, but the irony is that adopting that attitude is probably your best bet for getting a relationship going.

78

Well as I said, I will try to get a circle of friends regardless, but as of now that is not an option for me. So according to you, dracoi, my only method is to cold approach.

Alsp, just curious, how did you make ir clear that you were romantically interested in your now wife? Or anyone else that has done this. I could use a few tips on this as well.

79

So the violin thing, are we talking “Three Blind Mice” or Paganini? Because I hear that guy got mad tail.

80

I have been playing the violin for almost 9 years.

I think you guys are right though. Guys on other forums have repeatedly said that “cold approach” is too risky, unless you’re already an established social alpha male or have extremely good looks. And even then…it’s just that and I have noticed this that a lot of girls at this age seem to get creeped out easily. But mainly it’s about getting labeled as that creepy guy there.

They advised to stick to what they call “social circle game” which is basically what you guys are advising: the whole circle of friends, etc. Just getting socially established so you know a lot of people.

How do I do this? I am one of those guys who can have a superficial conversation or two with people but doesn’t really have any friends. Every time I go to some event at school, I am alone unless my one and only friend is there…sad I know…

Also, how do I suppress my fear of theoretically being single forever? As bobkitty said, I am afraid of becoming one of those guys (who complain on the forums about never having had a girlfriend age age 30). I really don’t want to end up like that. This is a really large concern I have, and still being insecure (even if not as much) over certain things that I have discussed in previous threads here (and a ton on other message boards) only worsens it.