R3d, you are a tightly wound kind of guy. If you put off half as much tension in person as you do in your writing, people are going to actively avoid you. Why? Because humans are empathic, and when they sense your tension, they will subconsciously figure that a) something is about to kill and eat you or b) you’re going to try to kill and eat them. Either way, they’re going to bet that it’s not a good idea to stick around.
I’m sure you’ve heard it and read it a thousand times: you’ve got to relax. Isn’t that a useless thing to tell someone? Hey, Mr. Tense, relax!. Like you had no idea you were tense, and this well timed bon mot has you slapping your forehead in amazement. Great Og, why didn’t you think of that?!
Here are some practical tips:
- get involved in some activity that requires both gross motor (that is, big muscle) activity at a rate which makes it impossible to be self-conscious, and if at all possible, make it something that involves socialization. I’m talking martial arts, square or folk dancing, parkour, SCA heavy weapons combat, color guard drill, agility dog training, or zombie runs.
Playing violin (you said you play violin, right?) is all well and good, but it’s fine motor activity, and the level of precision required just ratchets up the tension. You need something that is absorbing, exhausting, challenging, and takes you outside of your head. The more social, the better. The more you can relieve your stress, the less self-aware you are, then the more relaxed you will be, and the more comfortable others will be around you.
- stop worrying about your peers and start seeking out people who are several years younger and several years older than you. It takes the pressure off of you when you are on a completely different level than the person you’re with. If you’re a homework buddy for a fourth grader, he doesn’t care if your hair is gelled or too long. He cares that you can tell a good fart joke. If you’re volunteering at a VA center, a nursing home, or a community center, that little old lady won’t care if you can’t think of anything to talk about. She’ll do all the talking, and she’ll love you for listening. Ask her to tell you stories about when she was your age. Gossip with her. Tell her you need practice just making small talk.
The thing is, R3d, your problem is not getting a girlfriend. Your problem is connecting with other human beings. Right now, you’re trapped in your own head. When you look at another person, all you’re thinking about is what you want from them, and how you’re probably going to mess up and be rejected by them. Start asking yourself questions about people, all people. Why is your English teacher cranky today? Did she stay up too late watching episodes of Game of Thrones, or is her father suffering from dementia and calling her names? That guy at Starbucks, why is he wearing that t-shirt? Is it a favorite? Is there a story behind it?
I stumbled across the following poem by Sir Thomas Browne recently:
If thou could’st empty all thyself of self,
Like to a shell dishabited,
Then might He find thee on the ocean shelf,
And say, “This is not dead,”
And fill thee with Himself instead.
But thou are all replete with very thou
And hast such shrewd activity,
That when He comes He says, “This is enow
Unto itself - 'twere better let it be,
It is so small and full, there is no room for Me.”
Replace God with other people. When you spend all your time thinking about yourself (or your hair, or your lack of a girlfriend, or your inability to flirt), you leave no room for others to enter your life.