I could use the sound advice of my fellow dopers here.
A classmate of mine is due to get married in mid-April. I was not expecting to be invited to the reception, because I understood that it was going to be a smallish affair, mostly family (OK by me, I wasn’t offended at all).
A couple of weeks ago, he emailed me to ask me for my home address, and asked to me to keep a certain date free without specifically mentioning why. Since the date he asked me to keep free is his wedding day, though, I figured that I was going to be invited after all (maybe I was on the “B” list ).
However, it’s now a month away from the wedding, and two weeks after he emailed me, and I have yet to receive an invitation. At what point do I give him a call to ask what’s up?
I don’t want to be an ass by calling him up and saying, “Uh, were you going to send me an invitation?” in case he just didn’t get around to it yet (he’s frantically trying to finish up his dissertation so that he can honeymoon in peace). Nor do I want to embarrass him in the event he had some unexpected additions to his guest list (like someone bringing uninvited friends/kids) and now can’t accommodate me. At the same time, I don’t want to offend him by not responding if he did, in fact, send an invitation but it got lost in the mail, or whatever.
I think it would be best to call him. If he actually did forget you’ll be doing him a favor. If he did “uninvite” you the embarassment should be on his part. After all, he’s the one that asked you to keep the date free. The most tactful way would probably be to ask why you’re keeping that date free.
You could call him and just kind of casually ask how the wedding plans are going. You know, “So, what other things do you have to get done? Have you finalized with your florist, yet? Are you getting a band or a d.j.? Got those invitations out yet? I know that can be a really big job.”
If he says, “We’re going to wait until next week to send them,” then you can just sit tight. If he says, “Yeah, we finally got those done three weeks ago and got them mailed,” then you can maybe probe a little more with, “Should I still save that date?” or something like that.
Is the wedding close to where you live? When I planned our wedding, I seem to remember that if the guests are all nearby and no special travel plans need to be made, that the invitations don’t need to go out until about 2-3 weeks before (especially if it’s a small wedding and everyone who’s being invited kind of expects the invitation).
I vote with Padeye. You could just say something like "A couple of weeks ago, you mentioned that I should keep April 16 free. Should I still keep it open? You don’t even really have to mention the wedding.
Since you guys communicate by email anyway, I would email him with your question. Email is sometimes good for dealing with these “sensitive” issues. You can make it short and sweet, and avoid the possibility of sticking your foot in your mouth. By email, too, it will be easier for him if he has to tell you that you do not need to hold the date any longer.
The groom never said that Fillet was to be invited. He only said to hold the date. For Fillet to call with the assumption that he was going to be invited may put the groom in a tight spot. The groom may then feel that he has to fit Fillet into the wedding reception, when he can not easily do that. We still do not know WHY the groom asked him to hold that date.
If Fillet can resolve the situation without causing embarrassment and stress for the poor beleagured(sp.?) groom, than that is what he should do.
It occurs to me that the groom may have wanted you to keep the date open for some other reason… are you in a band (reception entertainment)? do you own a catering company? florist? cleaning crew? drive a limo?
If this person’s wedding/reception isn’t that big a deal to you in the first place, why even stress over it? Buy the guy a “Happy wedding” card and send it so it arrives on or before the wedding, then go do something you really want to do that day, and feggitaboudit.
He’ll know you thought about him so he won’t be offended thinking you blew him off, and if he asks about it later, you can explain that you didn’t show up because you never received an invite. No big.
StoryTyler
“Not everybody does it, but everybody should.”
Thanks, all, for piping up. I’ll probably wait a couple days more, then drop him a line. In answer to a couple of questions:
The wedding will be close to home, for me, so I’m not presented with a travel problem. The groom’s family is all coming from overseas; I don’t know the bride that well, so I don’t know where all her guests will be coming from. But the fact that many guests are traveling in was what made me think that invitations would have gone out already.
I didn’t mention this earlier because I didn’t want to get sidetracked by details , but … we once swore that we’d go out and hoist a few glasses when we were both finished with our dissertations. When he asked me a couple of weeks ago to keep the day free, he did say that it would give us the chance to have a few drinks “on his tab” - that’s why I assumed I might be invited.
I’m of no use to him w/r/t wedding logistics - especially not for music. :eek: Also, I’d like to clarify that I’d be very happy to go his wedding if invited - I just wasn’t expecting it, because I know the bride & groom have budgetary constraints and large extended families (well, at least he does).
P.S. Green Bean, I’m a “she” - I know, it’s not obvious from my username…
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