How Do I Talk to a Guy...?

About where we stand together?

I know he likes me… and I like him. Heck we’ve made out a few times, but I want to know where we stand. Are we bf/gf or is he just seeing me as someone who he can get into his bed (I don’t think he is but who knows what goes through a guys mind) or what?

I know he isn’t a virgin (he’s 2 years older than I am) but he’s a cool guy and I like to hang out with him. Just hanging out, as well as being attracted to him. I am still a virgin… and I’m not on any birth control as I… well only recently have found guys interested in me. I am not going to just hop into bed with him right away or anything… but if things work good for awhile I’d like to consider it.

What should I do? What should I say?

Canadian Virgin

[sub]Yes I know weird ending but seemed appropriate the way I’m writing this[/sub]

I would recommend being straight-forward with him. And also tactful. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand in a relationship, or how the other person sees the relationship, or where it’s going.

But tact is the key, here. A reassuring start, such as, “We’ve been seeing each other for a while, and I like being with you. I’m even attracted to you,” will set his mind at ease.

Then, not in an accusing way, and not making anything seem his fault, “I’m just wondering where this is all going.”

Most of the time, making it your “problem” or “issue” relieves some of the tension and doubt in the other person. Not, “what do you want from me?” but rather, “I’ve been wondering what this is all about.”

If you handle it honestly yet tactfully and with sensitivity to his feelings, he shouldn’t be put off by it. And if he is, that would raise a red flag, IMHO. And wouldn’t you rather know sooner than later?

OK, your next conversation with him goes like this:

You: “My user name on the SDMB is ** Obsidian Flutterby **”

Him: “My God! That’s the most insightful, coolest thing I’ve ever heard. You are the woman that destiny has determined that I must spend the rest of my life with!”

You: “Groovy.”

And they lived happily ever after.

Or, if you prefer a less dramatic approach, what DAVEW0071 said.

Oh, I like keeping women in this ‘hazy’ area, that way I can date a lot of women at the same time & they can’t complain. Be sure to have that ‘determining the relationship’ (DTR) talk if you want to know what is going on. Some guys freak out hearing it but some do alright. Whats the age range here?

And if he says “I don’t know”, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s avoiding the issue. He might just not know.

I say this because girls have gotten mad at me before for saying “I don’t know.” Well, what would you rather, that I lie?:frowning:

I’m gonna have to go ahead and disagree with the Dave-Guy here. It sounds to me like it’s too early to have a “talk.” It also sounds like it’s too early for you to be wondering about having sex with the guy.

I say–let the relationship develop naturally. If that leads to boyfriend/girlfriend status, great. If that leads to sex, great. But you don’t have to set any parameters just yet. Just enjoy. And if you feel like he is just using you as a sex-object, then he probably is.

I’m siding with Green Bean here. I think I am also about to provide more info than you actually asked for, but it’s because I detect that you are young, and I wish I could go back and talk to myself at your age and give myself some advice. Since I can’t, I’ll give it to you. Feel free to ignore it, of course. :slight_smile:

IMHO: It’s too early to have a talk, and anyway, when and if you DO decide that a talk like that is necessary, I wouldn’t give him all the power to decide “where this is all going.” Why is it all up to him? What about where YOU think it is all going?

Stop and think about what you really want, not just about making sure he wants you. (It’s a weird compulsion we have, to make sure they want us, EVEN WHEN WE DON’T WANT THEM! Funny.)

I know it may be too soon to know the answer to all of these, but as soon as you have enough info, ask yourself:

  1. Do you like him a lot? 2) Does he treat you nicely and respectfully? 3) Does he ask you about yourself/listen to what you think about things? Does he care about what you want to do, sexually and otherwise? 4) Does he introduce you to his friends, etc.? I don’t know if you go on “dates” – when I was in my late teens and early twenties, we didn’t “date” – we just hung out – but do you hang out with other people and in public places?

If the answers to any of these are no, then you probably don’t (or probably shouldn’t) really want to be with him, so don’t worry about what he wants, and don’t waste time on him. You will get the kind of behavior or treatment from a guy that you accept. If you don’t accept bad or disrespectful treatment (you run screaming when you get it, and you break it off as soon as you see signs of it) then you won’t get that kind of treatment. (<–I realize I’m hijacking and going deeper than your question here, sorry, but this is all coming in a stream of consciousness fashion, and I wish someone had said it to me 10 years ago.)

If the answers to these questions are yes, then relax and see where it goes, and I don’t think you need a talk.

I also think that it sounds way too soon to even think about losing your virginity to him. I think you should be really sure about your feelings for him, and his feelings for you, before you consider that.

Oh, yeah, one more thing: you said that it was only recently that you found guys interested in you. I had an awkward adolescence and made some major mistakes when guys finally started noticing me, partly because I didn’t realize my own value and worth. Don’t think they are doing you a favor by hanging out with you or making out with you or anything else. Maybe you’re doing them one! :slight_smile: But seriously, it should be an equal thing. There will be many, many, more guys that will be interested in you. He is not the last by a long shot. It is FAR better to be alone for awhile while looking for a good, respectful guy than to be unhappy with a jerk. And this guy may well be a nice, good one – I don’t know. What I do know is that where there is one, there’ll be plenty others, so stand up for yourself and get the love and respect you deserve.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Well… I pretty much know where I stand now between talking to him and our mutual friends.

His last girlfriend hurt him kinda bad and he isn’t looking for a relationship right now. I do know he likes me but he doesn’t want me to be a rebound relationship, nor to hurt me (exact words of his best friend when we were talking together while Greg was elsewhere and also pretty much what he told me himself though in not quite the same words.)

Basically all we really do is hang out, yes. We go croaking (Karaoke), drinking a little and just… hanging out. At his place this afternoon we watched videos of South Park and some TV. We were watching his younger cousin (who is extremely sweet) as he lives with his uncle, his aunt had to work but his cousin got out of school early. So we pretty much babysat but it was cool.

And as to what I feel about where it is going. I like him, I like him a lot not just as b/f material but as a good friend. We can sit and talk about stuff and it’s nice or we just sit and snuggle and that’s nice too. He is respectful, and nice. When I’m with him and his buddies well… it’s kinda like I’m one of the guys I fit in nice enough, but he sees me as woman too.

So… well I’m gonna give him time to get over his ex… and just enjoy being around him and hanging out right now.