I have a friend in my boardgaming group who was stepping on my toes while we were gaming, and I needed to say something to her about it. I went over and over it, and finally just sent her an email very politely asking her to stop doing that. She said, “Oh - okay,” and that was it. I’m not saying your mother will react the same way, but we can never anticipate people’s reactions, so you just have to do what you have to do. 
No demonstrative. There is no demonstration you could give that would make a difference. Do you think you could persuade our idiot President Trump of anything he didn’t already want to believe? Then why do you think you’d be more successful with your Mom? That’s not trauma talking. That’s you not actually wanting to get this over with. Snap out of it girl!
No cards; no table. That just gives her another reason to argue; another way to apply leverage. Another place to stick her knife into. Silence is what you want; pure blessed tranquil silence. Just disappear. That way there is no “aftermath”. Slip out the back, Jack. Get yourself free.
No you’re not. You comment to @Jasmine shows you’re not. But you’re getting closer. Congrats on that. Seriously, not sarcastically; good on you! The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. But you can shortcut this journey a LOT. See below for how.
IMO it doesn’t need to be any convo. Because any convo is a pure win for her and a pure loss for you. Against a sane person @Spice_Weasel’s wise words would be an honorable and grown-up thing to say. As against you Mom all she will hear is you saying “No.” Which to her means “Attack until daughter submits like she always does. Because I MUST WIN!!!”
All that is simply you playing her game; the one you’ve lost and she’s won every single time for 40 years. The only way to win is not to play … that game; instead play your own game.
Henceforth your Mom does not exist and has no right to a single second of your time or energy; none whatsoever. As if she’s dead. You aren’t strong enough, at least not without a real good therapist / ally by your side on the phone, to deal with this any other way. If you were, this would have ended decades ago. It didn’t. Therefore you aren’t.
You can win. But only if you select a game you can win. Which is not the one she will pick for you. So don’t let her do that.
Lots of good advice here.
I think you should limit the calls, beg off, ‘someone at the door’, at a 30 min limit. Def dial back your enthusiasm for such a scheme. If she asks why, say you’ve done some enquiring and it seems like a lot of money, work and time and probably won’t even work, in the end. Let her prove you wrong. Stay bummed about ‘how it is’, but don’t budge from that position. You’re probably right about her never coming up with the money, maybe keep asking how much she has saved. Keep suggesting she forget it, and save her money as the fees are all non refundable.
If she suddenly borrows the money or whatever, excitedly tell her you’ve been offered a job in Montreal. Yknow, where everybody speaks French. Tell her don’t worry they offer free classes so she can learn!
But these are mere distractions, while they have their place what you really need is to value the better mental health you’re enjoying, MUCH more highly. You need to value it enough to be willing to protect it. Are you?
Could you be frank with her if pushed, you’re happy to talk and encourage but you’re not interested in living very close to her as it negatively impacts your mental well being. Do NOT
elaborate, or defend this position. If she insists, tell her, ‘If you fully do not have a clue, then you’re never going to understand, I’m not going to waste my breath trying.’ Simply keep restating it. If she won’t hear, end the call, tell her ‘We’re not getting anywhere here, I’m gonna go now, good bye!’ And then, put the phone down and don’t answer it again for her for at least two days. You can then be sunny and bright, but as soon as she starts in, resume your position, exactly as before, same words same ending if need be.
Good Luck!
Damn!!! If 2-4 hours is a normal conversation with you two, I’d hate to know how long a huge conversation would be.
You need to see a therapist to help you through this. You need to begin setting proper boundaries in your adult relationship with your mother.
Any time. As any Doper who knows me will tell you, I spent years emoting all over these boards about my mother. I’ve been there in the guilt pit, but I’ve done the work necessary to get out. I’ve gone back and forth between limited contact with my mother and no contact at all, and honestly it doesn’t make much difference at this point because she doesn’t affect me the way she used to. Right now she lives far away, I talk to her on average once every two or three months, and I just don’t respond when she tries to emotionally hook me into whatever’s her crisis of the moment.
She’s tried. Her latest thing is her agony that neither of her sisters will talk to her because she destroyed her relationship with them. Since I’m super close to my Aunt, I know why she won’t talk to my Mom, and I think my Mom is fishing for information. Whenever she brings it up, I just give her as little feedback as humanly possible. I don’t try to solve it, I just basically ignore it. I’ve already made it clear I’m no longer getting in the middle of family drama, so I don’t need to repeat myself. I just change the subject or get off the phone.
All this can one day be yours! Lol.
I think there’s some benefit to this mentality and going no contact is worth considering. I had to live without my Mom for three years to really understand that I actually could live without her. I spent that time doing a lot of work on myself. If I hadn’t gotten that distance and done that work I don’t think I would be able to manage my relationship with her now.
Don’t tell her anything. Just sabotage the effort in secret. She stays put, you save face.
Somewhat Mad Dickish, but it’ll work!
By the way, does she have DUI’s or shit? It would be ‘unfortunate’ if Canada learned about them…
LSLGuy I hear what you’re saying. “Just disappear. That way there is no “aftermath”. Slip out the back, Jack. Get yourself free.” I did that with my nDad. We didn’t speak for the last 7 years of his life. while he was still alive I was totally okay with that. But since he died, I’ve not been feeling great about my decision. Looking back on it, I know that he was mentally ill. I could argue that even mentally ill people deserve at least some form of love - albeit from a distance and in a way that is the healthiest possible form for the other people around them. Isn’t narcissism a form of mental illness? I am not sure I’m ready to go to that extreme with my mom because she has admitted and acknowledged some of the things and she has apologized for some of the things and I feel that being radically honest with her is something that I’ve actually never tried before and want to do. But I do appreciate your perspective. I am taking baby steps and, depending on the outcome of the discussion that I plan to have with my mom, may find the courage to take more steps in that direction. It’s just really scary.
Update: I’ve written a letter and will sit on it for a few days to see how it feels. I also told my mom that I will be unavailable for the next couple of weeks while I recover from an extremely shitty job that is ending soon and having “me” time. She tried to convince me that “me” time may not be a good idea. She doesn’t like the idea that I will have “me” time. Telling. 
Omar_Little You’re right. It’s ridiculous and crazy and totally unacceptable. I’ve been to therapy on and off for many years but not currently going. My last therapist recommended that I go to a group “Adult survivors of childhood abuse” but then COVID happened so now I must wait a while longer.
Also now that I think about it some more, the therapy I have gone to has largely focused on my dad, with only a sprinkling of mommy issues being discussed/addressed. My dad had so much going on and our dynamic was so profoundly crazy that all of our attention has been on him - even after he’s been dead for all these years. Meanwhile, my issues with my mom have not been adequately addressed and she’s been flying under the radar, and even probably exploiting the fact that all of the negative attention has been on him, which is probably why I’m struggling so much with coming to terms with it as it relates to her, and why I’ve just begin to realize how badly she has behaved.
Or is she being manipulative? If she is a negative force, do you genuinely believe that you should let her impose stress on you?
I have a quick and easy answer, and I’ve given this a lot of thought.
Simply send her this page. Here she has your innermost thoughts, and those of complete strangers. It will be a big reality check, and sometimes we need one, even if it makes us cry.
I hope she finds a male companion, it will take the edge off her neediness. Nothing makes you feel young and alive like a romantic interest. Encourage her to socialize.
Tell her she’s a terrific artist, she needs to hear it a million times. If you fill up her ego, then say something to make her laugh, you end on an up note.
Just go, “Well, I always like to leave ‘em laughin’… gotta run!” then hang up the phone.
If the OP sends this page to their mother, they will have to endure a six-hour phone call about it.
Worse than that would be if she signed up and joined in the convo.
Mom’s a nutcase. Why would you want to inflict the same craziness on some innocent schlub? Next thing you know he’ll show up here asking how to leave the abusive relationship he fell into. That’s not progress.
About the only message the daughter can send is “Mom, you need professional psychiatric help to have anything resembling a good life. I can’t provide that. I’ll check back in a few years to see how well you’ve responded to treatment. Goodbye until then.”
Ideally snail-mailed as a typewritten note on a plain piece of paper in a plain envelope with no return address and a postmark a thousand miles from wherever Mom knows the daughter was last living. Regardless of whether daughter actually moved or not.
No one has to endure a 6-hour phone call. Phones have a feature called “hang up.” All the daughter needs is the will to do so!
Unfortunately, that’s the part she’s struggling with right now; the will to take action to defend herself from this non-stop decades-long assault.
Every narcissistic mother is different and has their own quirks, but based on a lifetime of experience with my own highly demanding and highly narcissistic mother, my advice is this:
Don’t write any letters. Don’t try to explain anything. Don’t have any ‘serious conversations’.
You will only upset her and upset yourself, without achieving anything. You are not going to win any arguments. You are not going to convince her to change her ways. She will not understand why you want to distance yourself. She will never act differently.
Simply make excuses to cut phone conversations short. Make excuses why she can’t come to live with you. Gradually reduce all contact with her.
Unfortunately there are times when the truth doesn’t help, trying to explain and talk things out doesn’t help. It will only make things worse.
Put yourself first, and don’t accept any guilt trip she tries to force on you.
There is also a feature called not answering a call. Start having her get used to leaving a message so that you can call back at a time of your choosing. Don’t be taking cold calls and staying on for 2 hours.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Leftwix. Funny thing is, she does technically have a male companion (who is “just a friend” she insists). It’s this guy who she used to date many years ago, but they’ve since remained friends. During that time, he has continued to remain loyal to her and even given her money from time to time. Recently they’ve been spending more time together, and I was hopeful that it was panning out to be romance. But just the other day, she called me to say that he’s getting “too needy”, which was the impetus behind her inquiring about moving to Canada. (oh the irony) He has even offered to basically buy her a house to live in, in the town where he lives. But she keeps stringing him along. I’ve told her several times that I don’t think it’s fair to him, but she insists that they have an “understanding” that their relationship is as friends only, and that their “love for each other” is a friend love. I’m guessing she is probably telling me her own distorted version of it, as she knows that I never speak to him and would never know otherwise. But he is also pretty blind if he can’t see by now what her game is. All of this to say that she already has a companion who is a really great guy, and who loves her unconditionally, but she STILL finds a way to 1.) deny him her love and 2.) make me feel guilty for how “lonely” she is!!!
Thank you GreenWyvern for your advice. Right now I’m leaning in this direction to gradually reduce contact. I do feel happier when I speak with her less often, and I know it would be the best thing for me.