How do I tell my narcissistic mother I don't want her to move to where I live?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Gradually?

It’s YOUR decision, but if you choose “gradually” you WILL suffer needlessly.

(“Oh, yeah, doc, I know I’ve had a rusty nail stuck in my foot… but I’m pulling it out gradually.”)

The good news is, you can pull it out immediately. I’m in the process of doing this with my mom, and she’s nothing compared to yours. I started by telling her that things are crazybusy and she could text or email, but that I was NOT going to have time to spend on the phone. BAM.

Since that didn’t work 100%, when she did call I’d let it go to message, or I’d answer with “Hi, mom. Just got a minute. What is it?” and when she started with “Wellll, it’s kind of quiiiiiet heeeere…” I’d brusquely say “Well, not here! What did you call about?”

I now have her trained to basically never call, but if she does it’s “Sorry, I know you’re so busy, but wanted you to know that Mildred from church went to the hospital. Come on, you knew Mildr… oh, you didn’t? Ohhh, well, I’ll let you go… (playing the Noble Martyr)… sigh…”
“Ok, bye, mom! Thoughts and prayers for Mildred!”

I went all the way from stomach-in-knots to NO emotional agony over her phone calls. You can, too. Pull that rusty nail out quickly.

42

" look, ma … i been living under your constant reproach for 18+ years … i wanna’ go through life with my own eyes … not yours. "

43

Look, if you’re not going to cut off contact with her immediately, you need to at least address the “moving to Canada, and in with you” idea.

I really liked someone’s idea upthread: Just Say No.

Do it in writing, and keep it short, so you don’t start justifying yourself to her. If you get bogged down giving reasons, Mother Dearest will start coming up with objections to each one.

Give a general, FIRM ultimatum. In a letter or email, just say “The more I look into it, you moving up here is just not going to work.” (or “won’t be good for either of us.”… but that invites her to ask “But whhhhhy?”)

Now, if you can combine this with a cutting-you-out-of-my-life letter, all the better. But if you’re still working your way up to that, at least do this part.

44

I keep checking to see how you’re doing. Beaming mental health at you… ya got a posse here, cheering you on!

45

This bears repeating. There are lots of us here who have lived something similar, know people who did, or are in the biz. We’re all available whether you’re having a good day or a bad day. We don’t bite. Honest.

46

I had to cut several family members out of my life, including my younger brother, who blamed me for the death of my son. Yup. That’s not a typo. After my infant son died, my brother freaked out and sent me a long email telling me exactly why it was my fault that my son had died. This was the type of thing that had gone on for years, so it was finally nice to have something where I decided enough was enough and could just let him go. Period. He’s just too crazy to deal with.

We often feel that we need to be nice to our family, but they aren’t being nice to us.

Thankfully, my abusive, narcissistic father died a long time ago so I don’t have to deal with the worst of the worst, but I had to cut three siblings (including that brother) out of my life. With narcissistic people, you can’t explain the reasons to them because they are only looking for weaknesses in your arguments. It’s like the high pressure sales people who will ask you the reason why you won’t buy. They aren’t looking to respect your boundaries, they are looking to break them down.

Set the boundary, tell them what it is and don’t discuss it.

Not easy to do, but it’s the only way I know how to deal with the ones I still talk to.

I hope things go as well as possible.

47

Good, god, who would do such a thing. Having no idea of your son’s passing, I’m trying too imagine my brother doing something like leaving my nephew’s carrier on the roof of the car and driving off, and sending him an email like yours did… and failing.

I might think it but no way in hell would I think it my duty to rub salt into what no doubt is a gaping wound of guilt.

48

This bears repeating:

It’s the Prime Directive of dealing with BPD, narcissists, and even run of the mill psychopaths. Like the famous Miranda rights: anything you say can and will be used (solely) against you. Any attempt at bargaining, lying to save face on either side, or other engagement just make the problem last longer & hurt more. The only way to win is not to play.

“No. Click!” is the least-bad (and about the only successful) way of dealing with this stuff. That some other people are so badly broken is neither your fault nor your responsibility. Even if they’re your own kids. Not that that particular detail is part of the OP’s or @TokyoBayer’s scenarios.

49

This past summer, someone posted about the true meaning of “Blood is thicker than water.” It doesn’t mean that your blood relations take precedence over friends. The blood of the covenant—the agreement to shed blood together on a battlefield—is thicker than the water of the womb—family

I think a lot of people figure if you’re related, well that’s the be-all and end-all. How can you turn your back on a relative? Well if they don’t have your back, don’t think twice.

50

That’s highly dubious. There’s no evidence that the phrase has ever meant that.

The phrase means, and has always meant since it first appeared in English in 1727, that blood relationships mean more than other relationships.

If you have any evidence of a different meaning (not speculation), perhaps you could start another thread to discuss it.

51

crazytooth, come baaaaack…

…and save us from talking amongst ourselves, when we really want to hear about you!

52

In Spring, I was talking with my niece’s wife about TV shows I don’t watch (most of them - I gave up cable). I told her the characters were obnoxious, and why would I spend my valuable time with people I don’t like? She said she thought I’d like The Big Bang Theory (one of the shows I didn’t watch, because all the clips put me off). She’d said I ought to give Sheldon a chance, because he was “on the spectrum”. I said, it didn’t matter to me, if I found someone unlikable, I wasn’t going to be a “sympathy friend” and asked her how many of her counseling clients she’d want to hang with.

The next time we got together, I told her I watched and enjoyed TBBT. She said she took my “don’t waste time on unlikable people” argument to heart and cut off connection with her narcissistic mother. We both win!

Your life is short. Don’t waste your precious time being hounded by your mother.

StG

53

Physician: Heal thyself!

Goes to show that even experts have a hard time identifying and acting on these problems.

And ref @digs, yes, madam OP @crazytooth615, please come back and tell us how it’s going. You’re probably about due for another injection of backbone. Courtesy of your imaginary Internet friends = us.

54

@diggs Hey sorry I haven’t responded in a while. I’ve been processing everything. Will catch up on everyone’s comments and post an update in a few minutes. :upside_down_face:

55

@LSLGuy and everybody, okay. Sorry I haven’t responded in several days. I’ve just been processing everything and watching some very interesting videos about covert narcissism which have further confirmed and helped me to understand what’s been happening. I still can’t believe that I didn’t fully realize all of this until recently. I guess you only see what you want to see, eh?

Anyway, here’s an update: Last week I told her by phone that I was going quiet for a while because I needed to work on myself, un-fuck my brain (from a very intense and crappy job that just ended and so now I have lots of free time) and needed space that was totally free from any type of obligation, using those exact words. I used the word “obligation” on purpose because has said that she doesn’t want me to feel obligated to her. She did try to object once, but I squashed it right away and she didn’t try to object again. That was Monday last week.

Since then, she hasn’t texted me or called. But yesterday I got a call from FedEx letting me know there’s a package en route and indicating my name on the customs form. I almost flipped my lid after hearing this because two or three times now she has mailed me packages and I have had to pay the customs import tax upon receipt of the packages. The last one costed me $60!

Anyway, regardless of the import tax, I feel that this may be a ploy to get attention because we haven’t been corresponding and she is starting to feel desperate and so decided to covertly send me something by mail so that I will have to thank her, let her know that I received it, and possibly even give her negative attention for AGAIN sending me something that requires me to pay. I am trying not to let this anger me too much and hoping that she had the foresight to pre-pay when she shipped whatever it is. Apparently it is in a pretty large box and weighs quite a lot, so I’m REALLY hoping it doesn’t cost me an arm and a leg.

Not communicating with her has been AWESOME! It’s only been a week but I can tell already that I am feeling more motivated, more creative and better about the way I choose to spend my time. I am going to continue working toward the slow fade, excuses to get off the phone, reduce amount of communication.

I am still rolling around the idea of asking her if she is aware of covert narcissism and if she has ever explored that possibility in herself. I know that I can’t fix her. But I do wonder if it’s something she has ever considered or worked on before. She has been to therapy a long time ago. But that’s a place that I KNOW FOR SURE I do not want to venture with her any time soon.

When I receive the package, I will probably just text her to let her know I got it and say thank you. Nothing else.

Thank you all again for your advice. This is so helpful and brings logic to my world. I am grateful for each of you being my cyber protectors! :gift_heart:

56

@TokyoBayer I am so sorry about the death of your son. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to go through this, let alone having to deal with your brother’s awful, horrible, terrible comments.

It reminds me of how my step-mom blamed me for my narcissistic dad’s suicide attempt. He never refuted what she said or tried to affirm that he didn’t think I was to blame, so I assume that he also blamed me. They were both terrible human beings. I stopped talking to them both after that, and didn’t speak to my dad again until seven years later, just before he died.

It’s so true that we shouldn’t feel obligated to be nice to family - especially if they aren’t being nice to us. My whole family are pretty much a bunch of ass holes which is why i moved out of the country and don’t feel bad at all about leaving them behind. And it’s obvious that they don’t really care that I’m gone as I haven’t really communicated at all since I left six years ago except for random posts on Facebook which are usually oppositional viewpoints involving politics.

I guess it wasn’t very hard for me to leave the rest of my family behind. It’s just my mom now who my brain is stuck on. When I unstick this part things should get better.

Peace be with you @TokyoBayer :gift_heart: :vulcan_salute:

57

Careful now; she may have sent herself via FedEx.

58

@Dewey_Finn Hahahahaha, oh no!!! :rofl: :joy:

59

Overall, excellent progress. COngrats on taking that first, very difficult step into a safer better world!!!

But …

Contact FedEx now and ask them if customs fees is due. If so tell them you refuse delivery. They will know what to do with the package from then on. It is NOT your responsibility to pay for it, to receive it, or to acknowledge it. Every one of those things is a DUTY your mother is trying to foist onto you against your stated wishes. Don’t fall right back into the trap.

You can see how hard it is to break the habit of a lifetime: a habit that says “Do what Mom wants without even thinking of whether it’s what I want.”

This is a good first test of the “new you”.

If you believe sentence 2 then why are you even considering sentence 1? Those two ideas don’t go together.

Even if somehow you told her and somehow she listened, she would only act on that info if she genuinely wanted to be different than she is. You’ve given us no sign she wants to change.

Once again you are falling right into the habit of considering her needs without regard for the cost to you.

You can succeed. You will backslide. But the more you pay attention to “What do I want?” the happier you’ll be & the less backsliding you’ll do.

Good luck; you have nothing to gain but the rest of your life as a happy(er) person!

60

I’m late to this thread but just wanted to offer understanding on the “only child” part of the situation. I too had a fraught relationship with a mother who firmly believed my sole purpose in life was to please her, something I was never able to do. But I’m not here to talk about that or to offer advice, since you’ve received much good counsel upthread. I just want to say that being an only child is incredibly difficult in such circumstances, for these and probably other reasons:

  1. Your mother has no other child she can focus her attention on, so you get 100% of her obsessing.
  2. You don’t have a sibling with whom to reality-test. Even though I would never have wished my family life on another child, there were so many times when I wished I had a sibling with whom I could discuss, “Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Or is it really mother who is crazy?”
  3. You worry that you are indeed obligated to help her through extreme old age or similar crises, because the bottom line is - there is no one else. The burden is yours alone, and walking away from it feels especially wrong when you know your mother will be left with no one.

Anyway, that’s not happy stuff, but it’s all true. Just rest assured that so many of us really do understand what you are going through.