Thanks SO much for touching base with us, lesscrazyeverydaytooth! Sounds like you’re making great first steps (they don’t call them ‘growing pains’ because they’re easy).
Damn, I can’t wait til I have a problem… I’ll bring it here!*
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*My biggest problem of the fall just got resolved. Family was pressuring me into taking my unhealthy 90 yr old mom to a family wedding, but after three months of scaring her into being safe, she decided not to come. (Phew, now I won’t infect grandma on two day-long car rides!)
@CairoCarol You nailed it. These are exactly my worries, and being an only child yes I get 100% of it. Also, I think the fact that she is really the only person I ever had growing up to guide me and help me make the right decisions (so I thought at the time), I put a lot of trust in her and have done ever since day one. Now that I have more perspective, I know that she misguided me on many things and made me miss out on so many opportunities. All this time I’ve thought she just had really poor judgement, but in many of the cases I am certain that she actively sabotaged me to prevent me from going to a magnet school I had been accepted to, going to a university in a different state, moving to a different state for a job opportunity and many more things. While I am still concerned about what she’s gonna do when she is extremely old and has nobody and no money, I am also reminding myself that any suffering she endures in the future will be totally of her own making.
I am sorry to hear that you had to go through something similar with your mom. I hope that you have gotten to a place where you can be free of her control.
Thank you for the kind words. Yes, I am free (mostly - it is inevitable that we continue to be at least a little bit haunted by voices from our pasts, I believe). In a nutshell, my mother died suddenly in 2013 when she was 78 and I was 55. After a lifetime where she put roadblocks in front of me (your comment about preventing you from going to university in another state sure struck a chord - same thing for me), handling her death went surprisingly smoothly.
Two things you must do. Refuse delivery of the package and refuse to sponsor her. From what you have said, she will not qualify for immigration on her own. Just refuse.
Thanks, It’s been many years now so I’m at peace. I just wanted to let you know that other people also have faced situations where putting hard boundaries was the only solution.
@crazytooth615 If your mother does email I’d go that route for a very brief notification that you got the box (if you accept delivery). It’s much less immediate than texting and return emails are easier to ignore. My response would be something along the lines of “The box arrived safely. Thank you.” Nothing else.
You’re doing well, just keep putting your own happiness and sanity first!
So, I got the package. Didn’t have to pay any tax. It was a couple of books and an item I had purchased and had sent down there to … wait for it … save on shipping cost! Told her I would get it from her next time I saw her and that I didn’t need it right away. I texted her to let her know I got it, but other than that, we have been NC for 24 days now. EXCEPT get this: she texted my husband and asked him to relay a message to me. The message was that she didn’t want me to worry about her moving to Canada. She said she has been researching it and it seems like a lot of trouble. He responded that he would relay the message. I find this really weird. Like, did she discover this thread? Or did she just sense my tentativeness in our last conversation and wanted to mention it because she is getting so uncomfortable with the NC? I swear sometimes it seems like she is psychic, which she is always happy to point out whenever our minds seem synced.
Anyway, the NC feels really good, but to be honest I am starting to have more anxiety with each passing day about what it will be like the next time I talk to her. I know what I need to say, but I don’t look forward to saying it.
My first thought was that she was trying to manipulate you again. I did not have a narcissistic parent; I had a narcissistic spouse for decades. Your mother is, I suspect, also like my ex in that she’s manipulative and controlling. Her contacting your husband is supposed to send this message: I, a very, very good person, am tip-toeing around you and your crazy reactions–which I don’t understand and certainly have done NOTHING to cause–because I care about you so much and you’re so volatile I’m afraid to set you off." I hope you can see the gaslighting here.
She’s not psychic; she’s just really practiced in the art of reading you so she can manipulate you. Her pointing this out cements it.
There is nothing you could possibly say that will do anything other than vibrate some hot air in the room. You may as well be speaking Martian for all the impact any word will have on your Mom or, far more importantly, your Mom’s relationship with you. You might as well be lecturing your dog on quantum physics. At least the dog might listen politely; Mom won’t even do that.
The fact you’re experiencing increasing anxiety with that thought is your subconscious telling you that having that conversation is not in your best interest. Listen to it.
If talking to her is not to your benefit, why are you planning on doing it? Because of your long-standing bad habit of doing things that are bad for you that are intended to benefit your Mom.
As I said in a previous post, breaking this lifelong habit is hard. Very hard. You will doubtless backslide a bit here and there. So don’t be too judgmental on yourself when that happens. But any time you can identify a backsliding event before you do it just run the other way. That’s pretty easy.
Oh, and tell your husband to cut off all contact as well. That’s simply daring the camel to come halfway into your tent. He needs to be on your team 100%, not playing 50/50 or “referee”.
Perhaps this will be helpful–I found possibly the best graphic I’ve ever seen to recognize gaslighting and it’s so spot on. Ask me how I know, a decade after I kicked my ex out.
