How do say "NO" to sex?

Got you in here now.

In the last two weeks, a bartender (female) at my bar/pub has been much more friendly to me. She buys 50% of my drinks. She slips me a woodie (wooden nickle good for drink) in my change, whether I buy a beer or a round. She keeps buying me shots, even after I decline. She works the bar then comes back and talks to me, something she never did before.

Apparently, she’s recently found out that I’m newly single. And she’s told people that she thinks I’m sexy. I don’t want to go out with her. (Valid reasons that are too long to post/end up getting me flamed/she’s not ugly or overweight).

If she does ask me out, what’s a nice way to say, “No thank you.”? I’m out of practice at this dating thing. I don’t want to lie to her, I try not to tell lies.

It may not happen that she asks me out, but if she does, I don’t want to give a “No thank you” reply that hurts her. Help


If you don’t want to hurt her feelings and you don’t want to have sex with her, it’s your only option.

Good luck, sport.

I have no idea.

Yeah, but what’s my lie?

I was trying to make that my point, but got caught up in the backstory. I just can’t come up with a good lie, ahem, excuse.

And the tough part is, I would have sex with her. I just wouldn’t respect myself in the morning.

I think “Thanks, but I’m already seeing someone” is the standard response in that situation.

You might have to find a new pub, I fear.

Hoo boy… that’s a tough’un

Personally, if it were I in your situation, I think maybe a good way to handle this would be to arrange to meet for dinner somewhere together, (sans alcohol) where you could sit and discuss your feelings about each individual’s side of the issue. I would try to be as tactful and polite as possible, yet, save sheer brutal honesty as a last resort.

Ask her what she is looking for, in you, or life / relationships in general, and what her intentions might be. Discussing it over a dinner would really loosen things up, and be friendly at the same time. You could even split the bill. This way, I think, would allow the two of you to talk it out, and stay friends. You seem to enjoy her friendship, so try to hold on to that if practical, without giving her any false hopes or misgivings for romantic / sexual involvement. Try to “bring her out” in the conversation, Get her to talk about herself, so you may get a better understanding of her motives and desires. The more you know about her, the easier it will be to know exactly how to tell her that you just want to be friends, and that’s all.

I hope that helps. Good luck.

Start going to another bar. Or start taking a date to the bar. Find another girl at the bar and start bonging her. Pretend you just found out your true self. Then there is always the truth, that you aren’t ready yet. That should work for a couple of weeks.

Just tell her that you don’t like her that way. She’ll hate you for it, but she’ll hate you now matter what you say. If you must lie, I would suggest that you bring a guy friend to the bar introduce him as your new boyfriend.That should do the trick. If she asks you to proove it, just tell her that you arent comortable with public displays of affection.

Do NOT do what MSK suggested…we women read too much into stuff like that.

VogueVixen is correct. The appropriate response is, “Thank you, but I’m seeing someone…but I’m totally flattered.”

The standard response posted above, that you are seeing someone, is considered the polite response.

But inquiring minds want to know exactly why you find her less than completely attractive.

“I’m already seeing someone.” Nice thought, but I’d have to lie to everyone in the bar, then tell stories about my imaginary girlfriend. Don’t want to do that.

She’d find out it’s a lie. And find a new pub? Thanks, but I’ve got 8 years in there and I live in a small town.

magicsilverkey: Good thought. I could do that (though the “without alcohol” thing would never occur in my culture.) I’ll keep that in mind.

Ummm, ooops. Well, I can be wrong. I was only thinking of a peaceful / amicable way to handle this. Oh well, I tried. BTW, thanks Sue, I’ll remember to NOT do it my proposed way if it ever happens to me.

Nonono! This is the, “I know it’s a lie, she knows it’s a lie and everyone else knows it’s a lie but it allows her to save face” excuse.

She can pretend she’s bummed instead of humiliated and as long as you don’t flaunt the fact you lied that night, everything will be okay.

I really don’t think you should do what MSK said. She is going to think that you are taking her out on a date. She will be totally stoked, and then you will procede to rip out her still beating heart and perform a mexican hat dance on top of it. Bad idea, Very bad,

Hmmm…tough one – it IS flattering to have a woman after you like that and even buy you things (drinks) all the time, but if you really don’t have an interest in here like that, there is just no way around either telling her the truth, lying or frequenting a different bar. Please don’t do what MSK suggests – that would just make your situation much worst (trust me on that one). What I would do is – I’d just be honest (because you wouldn’t want to leave your favorite watering hole – and after all – everyone knows your name because of that fact)…just say how you’ve been noticing the “favors” she’s given you and had given it some thought, but are really not interested in her in a romantic way - if her intentions were such (allows her to save some face).

my two cents…


*Originally posted by Shera *

If you must lie, I would suggest that you bring a guy friend to the bar introduce him as your new boyfriend.That should do the trick. If she asks you to proove it, just tell her that you arent comortable with public displays of affection. [/QUOTE


Thanks, but . . . This is a blue collar, mans bar. Usually, there are only men, other then a few wives. It’s a liitle different on friday night. One time when I took a friend there, he said, “This looks like a gay bar for not very good looking middle-aged men.”

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But she’d know it’s a lie.

Look her in the eye. Clear your throat. Make sure you have her complete attention and say:

“Oh, alright.”

Was your last relationship a particularly long/intense one? If it was (and she knows it) maybe you could buy some time and say that you aren’t quite ready for another relationship yet.

Don’t say no to a date, say yes to something that isn’t a date.

Offer up some mutually agreeable activity, lacking in intimacy, like sport, fishing, going to some exotic local markets…you get the idea.

Do this either alone or with others for even less passion.

Think of yourselves as Jerry and Elaine, except you’re nice people.

It’s good to give most relationships a chance to see where they are going. You may feel more resistant simply because she’s being so forthright.

After doing this once or several times you can gracefully fob her off by saying that you like the relationship how it is. That is if she still finds you desirable after the first outing.