Look at her, raise an eyebrow and start to laugh uncontrollably.
No?
Oh in that case I have the perfect plan. Agree to go out with her, right, and then do whatever she says. Be really nice and pretend you really like her. After a few years you’ll probably get married. With me so far? You can then have a few kids. Name the girl after the woman you would have liked to have married, who is now happily settled with that guy you can’t stand.
OK. Now, of course, you have to stay together for the kids. So wait until they grow up. In the meantime, you can always have a few affairs. The kids will probably sense your resentment and be psychologically damaged, unfortunately, so may well end up living with you into their forties. Of course, after that it’ll be you living with them.
You’ll have long since started smoking 40 a day and drinking more than is good for you. This’ll lead to cancer of one form or another, so in your 60s you’ll probably finally croak. I suggest that on your death bed you spill your guts and let her know that you never loved her.
Yeah? Is it a good plan, or is it a GOOD plan? God I’m smart.
How about just being honest with her? Damn … honesty … what a concept! Just look at her and tell her that your flattered and she’s very nice but you’re just not interested. She may be initially hurt, but she’ll get over it a lot sooner and better that when she finds out that you thought little enough of her that you thought you had to lie to her to get out of it.
Sorry, but not hurting her in some way is probably not an option here.
She’s bought you several drinks, you are obligated to go out with and/or have sex with her. Sorry, no way around it. Anyway, I can’t think of many reasons good enough to not date a bartender who is willing to give you free drinks all the time - what are yours, if it’s not because she is ugly or overweight I don’t think you would get flamed too much.
Well by accepting the drinks and such you’ve kind of led her along a little haven’t you? I’d tell her the truth if she asks. Just tell her you aren’t ready to date yet, just having come out of a relationship.
Before that happens you may want to tell her that you appreciate the free drinks and all but it’s really not necessary. That might prevent the situation from coming up. As both of you are adults, it is clear that she is sending you a signal, and from your actions you are accepting. Tell her free drinks aren’t necessary. If I were sitting in a bar and a gentleman were to send me a drink, the signal is that he would like to talk to me. Same situation you have. Make your point and stick to it instead of leading her on.
I have to agree with ultress, although I wouldn’t say that you were necessarily leading her along. Since you feel a bit uncomfortable with the situation, ask to speak with her and find out how interested in you she is. If she is that interested in you, be honest and set the record straight by saying that you just recently got out of a relationship and that although you are flattered by her and think she is attractive (I gather that you do think she’s attractive) you are not ready to start dating. She will react however she reacts. There’s not anything you can do about it. You just be open and honest with her and explain that to her. If she goes ballistic then it’s not your problem anymore. If she doesn’t, then she’ll respect your wishes and that will be the end of it.
Have you never been turned down by someone you were indicating an interest in? (If not, O Person Who Never Gets Turned Down by Girls and Now Has To Turn One Down, why are you asking us for advice?) So do it the way you found least painful when it was done to you!
since geepee doesn’t get this offer at all or very often infact ever here is something , if you go out with her , just go out not a date or anything and she says something like my place or yours? , indicating wanting sex , you either :
#1
have two cell phones in your pocket and when you get into her flat (make it hers else she’ll know where you live and it’ll never end) and when you get in with one finger dial the other cell phone pickup and say oh my god my friend is stuck on interstate (make it a far one) and he needs my help
sorry got to go and vacate
#2
agree but at your flat have various paraphalia such as chickens etc
Pretty simple, really. Truth, lie, ignore it, or run away. Of course, there are variations on those themes, some better than others as the posts indicate, but this is how I see it.
Running away. Well, it’s an option, if you’re a child.
Ignore it. Easy for you, but like running away, it leaves her hanging. Not very considerate.
Lie. Takes many forms, some better than others, but it’s still a lie. There’s a decent chance she’ll find out the truth anyway.
Truth. Act like an adult, tell her she really shouldn’t be giving you free drinks and refuse them. If she asks you on a date, it’s something like “I’m very flattered, and I’m sorry, but no. I wish I felt the same way, but I just don’t. Can I buy you a drink?”
Get really drunk and act like an asshole.
Oh, wait… nevermind. That would just attract her even more
That leaves you only one option: you must have sex with her. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news
I say choose the soft honesty approach. This is where you say: “I’m flattered but I’m really not ready to start dating right now.” This is also code for “I’m not ready to start dating you right now.” I also agree that you should stop accepting the free drinks. Flirting is all about the signals and you’re just giving her a green light every time you accept that drink.
Do the two things above and she will get the hint without being humiliated or led on and you can still keep going to the same bar. Everybody wins!
It’s not like she is asking for your hand in marriage. Once you turn her down (using the pattented 2 step approach described in the first paragraph) she will move on to her next crush.
BTW, back in my single days I asked guys out a few times. Let me tell you that one of the worst ways to do this is to agree to the date and then not show up or show up and act like an ass. That was just a waste of my time and made the guy look like a jerk.
Tip: Do not in any way shape or form initiate a conversation about her feelings for you and how you don’t return them. Just stop accepting drinks–you should have done that already–and let her figure it out. Only whin/if she brings it up–or just asks “how do you feel about dating in general these days?” do you pull out hte “I’m not ready” line. Leave her room to save her pride.
I also vote for stopping accepting drinks right away and, if the moment comes, telling her you are not available. That’s less specific than saying you are seeing someone, so you won’t have to prove it.
