I suspect parents will have the most answers here.
How do you motivate someone to do what is good for them? How do you convince people close to you that keeping the house up, doing well in school, and generally engaging in life is not only a positive trait but an essential one? I am close to a person with issue after issue, but it all culminates in a refusal to do anything. Work. Housework. School. Leave the house on time for appointments. Even doing fun things that require even the smallest bit of engagement. He won’t even watch a movie straight through. I know depression is a factor. I can’t even motivate him to see help. He literally can’t make a phone call on his own. My life has dissolved into a near constant nag-fest just to keep him doing the bare basic life neccessities. I don’t have enough energy to take over another person’s life, nor do I think it’s healthy.
I’ve tried everything and I am at the end of my rope. Threats, bribes, yelling, complimenting…everything just seems to lead to even more stubborn refusal to do anything. I know nagging isn’t helping- and it’s making me crazy- but it seems to be the only way that leads to some activity.
What can I possibly do to make this situation better? How can I foster some indepence, not just more horrible co-depedence? I remember this sort of thing coming up a lot when I was a stubborn kid and surely my mom did something to convince me to take care of myself. What is that secret? Will it work on a 22 year old?
Yeah, thats clearly the best thing. But I can’t make him go see one. He’s got a phone number sitting on his desk. But I’m not going to dial the number for him. Every other day I say “You should call that lady your dad refered you to” and every day he says “Can you help me?” and I just don’t know how I can help him make a phone call. What he really means is “can you make this not my responsibility” and I can’t do that. It is his responsiblity. He’s got a long hard road ahead of him, and he’s just going to have to do it. And right now when he asks for help, he’s not asking for support. He’s asking for permission not to go down that road.
I see two possibilities. Tell him that he has no right to make your life miserable and if he won’t get help it’s time to split. Another choice would be to seek counseling yourself.
Let’s just assume it’s not a lost cause. There are a lot of positive qualities that aren’t being touched upon here, one of which is that he literally saved my life by helping me through my crippling depression (which many dopers will remember). I was ten million times worse when I met him. Unable to even get through even a couple hours without crying. But now I am employed, happy and really putting my life back together. A large part of that is thanks to him. If I could only figure out what he did…
I don’t think his problems are permanent. Most of it is that he’s been raised by very indulgent parents and is unfamiliar and hostile to the ideal of “having” to do anything. He didn’t get the gentle weening most of us get in our teen and college years. When push comes to shove, he’s acted with grace and good sense. When his living expenses were slashed from “I can eat out every day at the most expensive steakhouse in an expensive town” to “I cannot afford to go to the grocery store on a regular basis” he was able to develop new habits, have some discipline, and take control of the situation.
What I wish he could do now is apply those skills across the board, even if those spots in his life havn’t hit the crisis stage. I know that if there was some kind of nuclear war or whatever and we all had to march to the Canadian border to find refugee camps to live in, he could do it and would probably do a better job of it than the average Joe. But trying to convince him that dealing with his day-to-day life has been a frustrating endeavor.
I already know that moving on is an option, but it’s one I really really don’t want to take. I’m far more likely to be distant than to be taken advantage of, so don’t worry about me. What I’d really like to hear from is people who convinced their kids to start doing stuff like making their own doctor’s appointments, taking care of their chores, etc.
I’m no psychologist, but it sure sounds like she’s enabling him. A good therapist could
obviously answer the question she is posing here. I don’t think saving money is an
issue here.
As a teacher, motivation is my business, and a strange and frustrating business it is.
My suggestion? Romanitic relationships, primary relationships, cannot be about motivation. It’s an inherently condecending role, and it’s suitable for parent/child, teacher/student, but not lover/lover. If this is a romantic relatinship, understand that this cannot be your job, especially not if you hope to have any sort of a future together.
If you were going to be able to motivate him, it would have happened by now. About all I can see that you can do is help him find someone who can motivate him. But aside from that, let it go, be happy with him the way he is–accept him the way he is. You can’t be both mother and lover to someone. He’ll need that blind acceptance and forgiveness whenever he does begin to recover.
Make the phone call to the therapist for him. Make the appointment for him. If need be, drive him to the office for his appointment and wait in the lobby for him.
Yes, you want him to take responsibility for his own health. But he may not be able to do that right now. The worst, absolute worst thing about severe depression is the inability to get help for yourself. The reasons for that vary, but are often the voice in your head saying “why bother” or “I’ll do that later” or “it’s just not worth it.”
Get him help, and THEN he can, with a therapist’s help, start to take control over his own care. Then she becomes his coach, guide, and motivator. 'Cause it can’t be you.
But until you get him there the first time, it’s like asking a guy with a broken leg to drive himself to the hospital to get it set. He can’t drive. That’s why he needs the hospital!
I don’t know…I’m going through this with my recently widowed sister-in-law. When you find out the answer, please share. The despair I’m feeling while watching her slowly disintegrate is fucking killing me. She can’t do ANYTHING. And refuses to help herself. I’m starting to cry just typing this. I know she will die soon if she doesn’t do something and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.
There is nothing that you can do to change anyone other than yourself. The only thing that you can do is stand back and watch, stay at a safe distance while/if you do this. Be there when life bites this person on the ass and it will. When this happens, try to offer good advice…Or leave now.
In the last six years, my mother in law has buried a daughter, a grandson, a husband, a brother, and a sister-in-law. Prior to that she buried her mother and her grandson who she raised as one of her own children.
The brother and daughter succumbed to alcoholism. The son/grandson committed suicide.
This woman cannot take much more. Harsh as it may sound, I’m more worried about her than I am about my alcoholic, depressed, chronically ill sister-in-law who I love dearly. It’s a horrible situation and I don’t see a happy ending anywhere.
I feel for you Kal. I’m going through the same thing with my mother. She’s only 68 but since my father died a year and a half ago she’s become totally “helpless” and dependent - mostly on my son and sister, because by nature they’re more enabling than me. Heck, she’s got my son thinking she can’t even empty her own trash so he goes over there twice a week to do it for her. And my sister is paying all her bills and making all her appointments. This is a woman who not too long ago was successfully running her own business. Like you, I’m afraid her inability to do anything (such as take her meds, cook a meal for herself, etc.) is going to literally kill her one day.
I wish I knew the answer - if I find it, I’ll pass it along.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in life is that it’s not possible to help some people, despite how much they need help. As you’ve found, you wind up living their lives for them at the expense of yours. It’s excruciating to watch someone you care about self-destruct, but as long as they have someone doing for them what they should be doing for themselves, they have no motivation to change.
However, in this case, if I were in your position, the one thing I would do would be to get your friend to a professional. Hold his hand while he makes the call. Make the call yourself if you have to. Or get his parents to make it. Then have someone make sure he gets to the first couple of appointments. After that, the visits to the therapist will be in his “comfort zone” and he’ll probably continue on his own.
It sounds like your friend is a student. Is there a student health center with mental health care? Perhaps he would be more comfortable going there.