I hate when that happens. That kind of thing happened all. the. time. in high school. I’d met a nice, geeky science-y girl and one day she takes off her glasses and BAM! it’s Jessica Alba. I practically had to get a restraning order.
Or this picture, which makes the issue of whether or not she’s wearing glasses irrelevant.
#whitepeopleproblems
My very serious, shy daughter found a new best friend at work – very flaming gay that she brings home to help her pick out clothes, and I think he’s adorable. Great kid, wicked sense of humor, and helps lighten her up when she’s stressing at work. Bring on teh gay!
We’re not allowed to have people who get made fun of as pets? But what will I do with my blond? I’ve had her 17 years and she has health problems; no way she’ll survive in the wild. Do you know of a no-kill shelter I can take her to?
Ah yes, the proverbial (currently politically incorrect) species known as “fag hag” on the prowl for new meat. Know them well.
We don’t go to the Gay bars as often as we used to - just not in the neighborhood - but back in the day, every good Gay bar had at least one good fag hag who would reign supreme. There were variations - some reigned over the entire bar, others had smaller groups, some only had the lone Gay or Gay couple, but they were easy to spot in a crowded bar.
However, to be successful at this esteemed position, the woman had to bring something to the table: wit, talent, flair, a raucous laugh, a certain amount of tact to step away when necessary, and a fierce loyalty to her minions.
Although the stereotype is the pudgy woman dressed in sequins and holding perhaps a fairy wand or wearing a tiara while slugging down a Miller Lite, many were drop dead gorgeous wearing designer outfits and sipping drinks that cost upwards of $10 a sip.
If you are indeed on the hunt, a few tips:
- Location, location, location - go to the bar that “your” type of Gay frequents. If you like fashion and fabulous, hit the bars where the boys dress and act appropriately. (Not a leather/cowboy bar.)
- Timing - busy weekends are best, and fairly early in the evening when it is possible to meet your prey while they are still somewhat sober and not necessarily on that final cruise.
- Make the grand entrance - and dress for success. Competition is fierce, and without a dick, you have to dazzle your prey with another reason to approach you.
- If you happen to have a job as a casting agent, owner of a clothing boutique or hair salon or hot new restaurant, you will be quickly swarmed. If not, hopefully you can belt out a great song at the piano/karaoke machine, or just be so fabulous that nobody cares. Wallflowers do not a good fag hag make.
- Discretion - gossip is good, but sometimes you have to be able to keep a secret that even waterboarding would not get out of you. Failure to do so can result in a quick fall from grace and becoming banned for life.
Best of luck in your hunt. BTW, if you have even a modicum of talent, this is an excellent way to break into the business. Just ask Cher, Streisand, Liza, Gaga, Kathy Griffin, Margaret Cho…
I think the rule has been grandfathered, like the pitbull ban in Ontario. If you already have a blond, you can keep her, but you have to muzzle her in public.
Want to get a gay? Like languages? Then go to your local altlang club and learn Esperanto! You’ll meet plenty of gays!
For some reason, half of the Esperanto-speakers I know on this side of the pond are gay. Perhaps this is because Esperanto-speakers tend to be tolerant and worldly, and more open to minorities and those who are Different. This did, however, throw a rather large wrench into my plan to meet an Esperanto-speaking woman and start a hetero relationship…
If other gay men want to reinforce the idea of the fag hag, that’s their business. I have no time for people who only want to be my friend because I like men.
Wait, I thought that was one of the benefits of adopting a gay vs a breeder 
I’m not a Fag Hag, I’m a Fruit Fly. I only have the one fruit though. And we were friends before I ever knew he was gay. He’s not a flashy flaming fruit and it wasn’t obvious till I saw his home. Alice, maybe you already have a gay and you just don’t know it.
And somewhere in my head, the answer was formed: you need Darth Gaydar.
Alice, try joining a gay-friendly church (your local UCC church, f’instance; just say if they call themselves Open & Affirming), and befriend someone who looks sad and lonely.
This is an issue that is obviously very serious to some people.
Due to that, and for the sake of public enlightenment, I will quote USGA Pamphlet #2469 - "Obtaining and caring for your Gay"
(please note: Irrelevant sections removed, please see original document for complete information)
Section 4 - Capturing your Gay
Modern Gay hunters use a humane (non-clamping) cage type trap. Be sure that the interior of the trap is nicely furnished , using this season’s colours and tastefully appinted with suitable periodicals (GQ, The NewYorker, Archetectural Digest, etc). Avoid Judy Garland Music, unless one is seeking a mature Gay. Contemporary Club Mix, or Madonna is recommended for capturing a younger Gay.
Inspect your trap daily. Gays are extremely social, and need constant contact with others, otherwise they wilt. Be sure to leave adequate food (Some lightly carbonated bottled water, crudites and imported crakers, served on simple Japanese Raku plates with unbleached linen napkins)
If you find a non suitable Gay in your trap, remember Catch and Release laws are being strictly enforced in most regions now.
Once you have trapped a suitable Gay, remember to tag it. Old methods invvolving peircings and tattoos are no longer as popular as they were even a few years ago, instead a simple photo /tag on Facebook or other social media is becoming more and more common.
Section 7 Training your Gay
Many free range Gays make wonderful companions, but must often be trained in dealing with unfamilair surroundings. Ensuring that your Gay is prepared to face a NASCAR Event, Waylon Jennings Concert or Repuclican Fundraiser is critically important for both you and your gay’s comfort and well being. Situation like these are generally consideredx to be far outside of their natural habitat, and they may become skittish and even flee. If they do run away, check the closets (if any).
Many people have enlisted the services of a “Gay Whisperer” who speaks the secret language of the Gay, and can communicate what is going to be expected of them. Although expensive, these professionals can be invaluable in integrating the Gay into your lifestyle.
For mor information - please contact the USGA office nearest you.
Thank you
Alice, I highly recommend the book “So You Want to Be a Hag” by the same publishers as “The Lesbian’s Guide to Sensible Footwear: Beyond the Birkenstocks.” It’s highly informative and helps in the selecting and cultivating gays of all kinds in a wide variety of colours.
It will guide you through the earliest steps from the get go: you must have the right soil conditions and be sure not to plant your gays too close together. They are high maintenance and you’ll need to prune regularly if you want have rich foliage. The flowers are delicate but quite colourful and they have hearty roots and will bloom again and again even if the climate is hostile to their growth. They are a rich and lively addition to any garden.
Edit:
Oh, no, no. That would be a closeted Republican. You don’t want that one.
…
Thank you to everyone with the good advice. I am serious, but I didn’t mean to offend or stereotype. To those who were offended, I suggest closing the thread and moving on.
I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but then a couple of weeks ago, Project Runway’s new season started, and damn but they look fun to hang out with. My female bff agrees with me that we need gays- we need lightness and laughter and caring and sharing. So sue us.
I am going to- post an ad on craigslist, go to a gay bar that’s appropriate for me, possibly join the UU church (atheist but have been thinking of that for a while now, actually), and network.
Be sure to watch this short documentry before getting your [del]slave[/del] gay.
I need a gang member. I’m a middle-aged white mom of slight build and *nobody *believes me when I say I’ll cut a bitch. It’s frustrating. I don’t need the gang guy to cut the bitch for me, just to make it clear to others that I will, in fact, cut a bitch.
I’m not seriously offended. More bemused.
You do know that gay people have their share of sadness and tears and bitchiness and selfishness, right? It sounds like you need the Project Runway guys, or else frivolous and lighthearted friends, regardless of orientation.
Alice, aren’t you in Tucson? I can’t give you any kind of real figures, but I can tell you I know way more gay men now than I ever knew on the east coast. We’re veritably crawling with them! Check out the drag shows at the gay bar on 4th Ave sometime, even if you don’t make a friend right away the show is bound to be a good time.