“promisepromisepromisepromise … ooh, SHINY! I want this now”
Or was it a case of you charging ahead with the plan at full speed and missing him hesitating/rethinking his angle on things?
Whichever way it went, your first and most important job is to get over it ASAP. You have to do this sooner than later because you have children that need for you to have your wits about you, and because a rejection of this magnitude will bind you up in despair for far too long and damage you far too much.
Check with The Doctor about antidepressants if you’re not already eating a prescription. Something stiff that will totally numb you up and allow you to rebuild your image of who you are. Despair is a storm that anihilates the progress of reason. And right now, you can’t afford to ride it out.
As for how long does it take to be ok? Girl it’s up to you. I’m of the opinion that everybody has a need for a set quantity of adult love. If you have enough self-love you can get by just fine alone because you know in your heart what you’re worth. If you don’t have enough self-love, then the only way to function is to have someone in your life that can continue to keep you full. With me so far? I also think that everybody also has a limited quantity of love to give. If they have enough to keep themselves happy then they can share any excess with someone who maybe needs it. But there are very few people who have enough to keep two people happy.
You’ve said before that you don’t handle your depression well. I’d say that the answer to your OP is: The sooner you get your depression under control, the sooner you’ll get over it. AND do NOT stop there. The drugs are a crutch, but when you stabilize you have GOT to focus on a longer term solution that will help you to be proud of who you are.
Long enough that I missed being in the relationship, but not yet at the “thank god that’s finally over” stage. It’s different for everyone so I don’t think you can put a specific timeframe on it.
Also, I’m not sure my evil black heart is capable of regular emotions.
I found that what can often prolong the agony is the sort of ambiguous “maybe they’ll come back” or “I can change” feelings. Whenever the speak to you or you get an email or IM, you obsess over whether they might be trying to rekindle the relationship or something (think Mikey from Swingers always wondering why his Ex won’t call or the two hours of bullshit Vince Vaugn and Jennifer Anniston went though in The Breakup). You need to just be like “ok, it’s over…now I’m moving on.”
What you don’t want is to keep obsessing over the relationship until it defines you as “soandso’s ex”.
A couple of things to keep in mind is that you may be upset for various reasons that might have nothing to do with that specific person:
-Your ego may be hurt that your ex decided to cut you loose (who is HE/SHE anyway?!)
-You now need to fill a void in time that was previously filled with activities you used to do with the other person, no matter how inane they were. For example, instead of spending Sundays bored shopping and bickering with your ex, now you spend it sitting on the couch bored and lonely with no one to talk to.
-You associated some particular lifestyle with that person which is no longer attainable (ie, forget quitting work to be a SAHM any time soon).
-General fears people have of being alone for the rest of their lives
I think understanding some of that might help realize that many of the things you were “in love” with may not be specific to that person.
This guy just proved that he doesn’t DESERVE the title of “love of your life” so stop giving it to him. He let you down, big. Treating yourself like you deserve better, are going to move on and GET into a better situation, believing that (even if you have to FORCE yourself to believe that, even if its meaningless when you start saying it), will go a long way. Wallow creates more wallow and prolongs things.
Best wishes. I recommend chocolate in the form of ice cream. I also recommend a kick ass new outfit, and calling your friends with “I need you.” And a list of all the ways you weren’t compatible, especially the stupid little ones (‘he didn’t like going out for Mexican,’ ‘his sense of humor was painful if he’d been drinking’ ‘he always pinched nipples a little too hard’ - you know, those stupid ones.)
Scumpup is right. Even if you don’t get closure from the other person, you still need to move on.
Look, fifteen years or so ago, I, too, had a love of my life, a man who was my best friend, my fiance, and the only man in the world for me. We had dreams, plans, the whole nine yards, wrapped up in a wedding gown and veil. Things went wrong; I moved away; we got re-engaged; we drifted apart. He never told me when it was over; I never wanted it to end. I think it took 2 or 3 years for me to give up hope and even then, treacherously, it would spring up once in a very long while. Somewhere, it ended and I got to where I could look back at the memories with fondess and wish him well. He’s a good man, and I hope he’s happy.
As for me, when I saw this thread this morning, my new husband was sleeping in the room next to me, his first night back after being away for a week. With him, I not only got the dreams and the plans, but the wedding itself and, with any luck, a very good future indeed. My old love was a good man; my husband’s a better one!
Grieve as much as you need to and take AHunter’s advice about the chocolate! Do things you couldn’t or wouldn’t do with the last man, even if it’s taking in a chick flick or visiting a flea market. If you can’t think of something, ask us, here. We love to give advice!
I’m sorry you lost him, but here’s a toast to better days and better men ahead!
It does, it does. And in addition, an old adage helps," The best revenge is living well". Nothing will boost an ex’s ego like seeing you suffer and grieve. I am not able to give that kind of ego kick.
I dressed great, expressed a mild regret for the relationship break in public and went out and had great times. I died a thousand deaths when I was home alone, but nobody knew it or saw it. It still hurts my heart on the odd occasion some 6 years later, but he never knew and will not ever.
It did make me stronger and I’m better for it today. Good luck and stay strong, it will get easier sooner than later.
One step beyond “dressing great”: when you are ready to start going out again, buy a couple of sexy outfits, ones that flatter your figure and make you feel beautiful. Because it will show.
And maybe you’ll even run into your ex and he’ll see what he lost.
It takes as long as it takes. Each person is different. You have the added dimension of losing his kids, too. Give yourself time to grieve, a few months, and then let him go.
And I agree that he’s not the love of your life. He fell well short of that title when he walked out on you and the kids.
Wait–would we be saying the same thing if she had decided to not go through with the wedding and the plans?
I have tons of sympathy for the OP. It hurts like hell to be rejected–and there are kids involved as well. I have Kleenex and a shoulder (somewhat–I don’t know her at all) and kind words, but this guy is not scum. He’s not a bad guy (for all we know). Was he supposed to not voice his doubts and concerns and just make her dream come true? It wasn’t going to work for him and that should be ok. He didn’t betray her or “walk out on her”–he made a decision that was right for him.
He may well be the love of her life, but her life is not over yet. I bet there’ll be someone else somewhere down the line. I hope so.
As for the grieving–losing a relationship can be like losing a limb. There’s an empty space where there was life before. It can be hard to fill that space. It’s not just the person you’re grieving–it’s the loss of your dreams.
The worst thing you can do is go out and try to do so. You need to give yourself time. By all means, chocolate and tears and wine or whatever. But also, reconnect with friends (pre-him), go for walks, find beauty in the world, do something nice for YOU.
The lack of closure discussed earlier causes other problems.
The first is the initial pain. It’s truly death by 1,000 cuts. It hurts when you realize that something bad is happening, and the pain continues though the realization of what’s happening. This uncertainty almost forces re-evaluation of the entire relationship. “Why did I do this? I should have done that.” And because there is frequently no real ending, you wonder if it’s just a break. Then maybe it’s just stress from work. Then maybe it’s just . . . At some point you just figure it out, but it’s much further down the road than it should be. And even then you think maybe they’ll come around. And that delays the whole healing process.
At that point, you have been so disrespected (I normally hate that term, but it’s appropriate here) that it’s almost impossible to look at the relationship as a positive at all. And it’s an added slap in the face. Normally, you have “the talk” with all the discussions about how “it wasn’t you, you’re a great person . . .” And there is much truth to many of the compliments that come from that talk, and at some point maybe you can be friends. Or at least come to grips in your own mind that it didn’t work out, but there were some great things, and great times and it wasn’t all you. And with that discussion you might actually get some questions answered.
Also, when you don’t get closure, there is a lingering or permanent felling that you weren’t worth the half an hour it took to even have the aforementioned talk. That feeling will overshadow all the good feelings you might have ultimately taken out of the relationship, had it at least ended better. This doesn’t mean that you should be calling your ex- at 2AM for weeks on end. But I’m amazed how many people just drop of the face of the earth, and think that’s OK.
Disclaimer for those with empathy deficit disorder: Yes, even if one doesn’t get closure, they will still have to “get over it.” Got it. And some of you out there maintain that you do not need closure at all (although personally I think you are full of it). Got that too. But most of us need some closure. And after a relationship or many months to many years, is it really asking that much to give your ex-lover another hour to help them understand what happen, help them speed up the process, and leave them with some self respect when they are hurting?
I just wanted to say thank you all so much for the replies. Lots of food for thought…especially since I keep thinking “maybe he’ll take me back”. I’m trying to break that thought now…but man, it’s hard. But hey, I made it through the whole day at work yesterday with only one instance of a cracking voice and teared up eyes, rather than the sobbing out loud I’ve been doing! I know things will get better…well…I don’t know, but everyone says it will…but I think this may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. What does it say about me that I"m greiving more about this break up then I did about my mom dying when I was 15? God, this sucks!
It does not say anything horrible about you that you are grieving more about this break up than you did about your mom dying when you were 15. Really, it doesn’t. You were FIFTEEN–if you were horribly callous and selfish and your mother was a saint, you get a pass because of youthful immaturity. (And if you didn’t grieve your mother’s death because she didn’t deserve your grief, you wouldn’t be the only one on this message board to feel that about her mother).
But you need to focus on living your life, and not on trying to get him back. Focus on the routine–do your laundry, do your cooking, pay your bills, fulfill your responsibilities at work, etc.
Also, you are presently grieving the lost potential as well as this man–lost future child, lost sharing of responsibilities, etc. That’s ok, that’s normal, and it will take time to process. It’s ok if this is the hardest thing you’ve ever done–especially in the short term.
He isn’t scum, but he made a promise to her he cannot keep. A very serious promise. That makes him undeserving of the title “love of her life.” The “Love of your Life” is a romantic notion of someone who will stick with you through thick and thin, who you will stick with, who you will grow old together with. She once had these notions about this guy - but this guy ain’t it. I’m still hoping my husband of 13 years turns out to be it (I’m pretty sure he is, but you know, he could still let me down on the whole thing - or I could let him down.)
As long as she thinks of him as “The Love of Her Life” she won’t let go. She needs to let go.
A death of a loved one is utterly devastating and appalling - but it is a natural thing that can’t be helped, and wasn’t (usually) a conscious decision; whereas an abandonment was a choice made by a loved one. They’re still around but have actively decided not to be with you. It’s a different kind of grief, but it’s grief nonetheless, and unbelievably tough to endure. I don’t think selfishness necessarily comes into it, even in the case of bereavement.
Two more thoughts: as mamakat has correctly identified, getting rid of the false hope that there will be reconciliation is a major step forward. It’s a tough one but it has to be got to. It’s not necessarily something you can consciously choose, but if you can persuade your emotions not to keep holding onto crumbs from the dumper, then you’ll get there quicker.
And my other take, from bitter experience, is that “closure conversations” often raise more questions than they answer. Every reponse or explanation you receive will breed two or three more, which will likely never be satisfactorily answered. Worse still, you may not believe some of them, which will generate even more questions, as well as further distrust, misgivings, or feelings of betrayal and abandonment. Closure really comes from within.
Those of us who don’t feel the need for “closure” don’t have empathy defecit disorder, we simply don’t feel the need to loiter in MiseryLand.
Here’s the thing… it’s over. Find some *other *source of support. And for the love of all things holy, *please *find some other source of self respect.
I never indicated or insinuated that he was scum. Nor did I say that he should have gotten married to her. I simply believe that he’s not worthy of being called the “love of her life.” She THOUGHT he was, but he wasn’t. The love of your life, by definition, returns your love. IMO.
I might not be allowed to answer this question. I have never really lost “the love of my life”.
I did lose a child (a 4 month old daughter)which I mention so you know I’m not talking as some Pollyanna who’s skipped through life with nothing worse than a few emotional papercuts.
I really think it depends on what perspective you decide to look at this through. If you decide “I had a love once that was real and true and it was going to make my life wonderful. Now I have LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! and I will probably never love or be loved again” then you will probably feel pretty crappy for a long long time.
Decide to tell yourself a different story “I was engaged once and I thought it was great but he didn’t. Oh well, what are you gonna do? What pleasures in life can I pursue given the pleasure of a life with him is no longer an option?” Then try to answer that last question…anything…pumpkin patch trips with your kids, dinners out with friends, waterskiing, whatever!
Frankly I’m horrified by all the people talking about years and years! Seriously, that is therapy time (and personally I recommend Cognitive Behavior Therapy if you have a tendency to brood but YMMV)
I am really am sorry for your loss and I send you virtual hugs and chocolate (do not disregard the chocolate!)
