14 YEARS??!! Shit. I can’t remember the last name of the girl I was dating 14 years ago.
Oh, I have moved on with my life, and am very happy with it. A wife I love, kids I am very proud of, professional success, all the good stuff. Had we stayed together, I doubt my life would have been better, or even as good.
But there isn’t a day I don’t think of her.
Bears repeating.
I’ve always felt that one full cycle of holidays and seasons really is a decent purge/mourning period. This holiday season will be THE WORST and somehow, a couple of Christmases from now, that pain will be a mere ‘oh yeah, that sucked’ memory as you are surrounded by those that you know and love. In a dozen Christmases you will really be grateful to have dodged that bullet. really.
Give yourself a really good pity party. You deserve it.
Then, when you feel you are all out of pity partying and in that state of NOW WHAT?!!! Get moving. Get out and walk or run or bike or bungee jumping.Take up knitting! Everyone should knit!* Get the humors flowing. Get out there with your kids. Feel the sunshine on your face. Get Involved or Get Run Over by the express train that is life.
*All the cool kids are knitting.
Point on EDD made. 'nuff said.
Seven years for me, and counting. It was a crushing rejection – we’d known each other for five years, had been dating for three, had essentially moved in together, but I was about six months into a topsy-turvy descent into A Big Depression. She knew about the depression, knew that I was seeing a shrink and taking meds, but we’d talked about marriage, and agreed that we both wanted to marry each other, and about four weeks after that she said, during some conversation, that she was with me “for the long haul.” I knew that was true, because for the first time in my life, I actually understood what people meant when they used the term “soul mate.”
About ten days after the “long haul” statement she abruptly broke it off, dropping by my apartment to say it in person. However, from my side, I only heard the part where we decided to get married and that she’d be with me for the long haul, so I was numb for a couple of weeks, not knowing if it had really happened.
About a month later, after a couple of dozen phone conversations that really didn’t do me any good, she told me that it wasn’t any sort of rash decision. She’d thought about it for a long time, and had re-evaluated what she wanted out of relationships, and she wasn’t getting what she wanted from ours. That’s not the kind of statement that left me any hope, so at that point, I knew it was over.
IAC, fifteen years of therapy (and eight years of searching for an antidepressant that worked) finally kicked in a couple of years later, and I pulled myself up and out, and I became functional on good days, somewhat functional on bad days. I can get out of bed all seven days of the week, but I’m terrified that I might be just barely holding things together right now, and I can’t convince myself that I could survive if things fall apart again.
I have no self-confidence with regards to women anymore, and I seem to have lost the ability to even imagine myself in a relationship with a woman. I’m actually still thinking that it might be possible to get back into dating again, but I have to convince myself that it’s worth the risk. I’m also trying to get past the pre-emptive guilt I’d feel about exposing some unsuspecting woman to my problems with depression and anxiety (though I’m a lot better than I was at my lowest).
Anyway, I’m hoping BrotherCadfael, blondebear and I are the outliers on the bell curve; with the friends I know who’d been jettisoned from pre-marriage relationships, it seemed to be in the four month to two year range. YMMV.
She just shouldn’t have said she’d be with me for the long haul.
Never.
Or should that be forever?
You think? Because I’m not saying she should ‘get over it’. I’m not saying she shouldn’t take the necessary time to nurse her feelings. What I take issue with is your idea that a person can’t move on without some explanation or blessing from the person who made them feel so crappy to begin with.
Once a relationship is over, you have to stop depending on that person to meet your emotional needs. Closure isn’t something you get from your ex. It’s something that happens when you realize that you don’t need your ex.
mamkat,
Big hugs your way. Although not as significant of a relationship, I too am still struggling through the grief process after the end of a two year relationship. It has been 2 months for me and it still hurts, it still occupies far to much of my emotions and thoughts.
The advice given here is excellent. For now, you just have to persevere through it. Try to grant yourself some slack when it becomes to much to hold yourself together (advice I sorely need to follow myself).
I read once that grieving an end to a relationship like this is harder than the grief of a loved one dying. With death, it is certain and irreversible. With a relationship, that person is “out there” somewhere perhaps thinking of you, perhaps spending time with another, perhaps… perhaps… perhaps a million scenarios.
The best thing I’m doing right now is trying to stay as engaged with friends and active as possible. It is difficult, I initially didn’t want to go to hang out with friends or anyone, but I forced myself to do it. Then in the beginning when I was out with them, whether at happy hour or dinner or just watching a movie, I would think of her and miss her and inwardly (and outwardly!) be very miserable doing whatever activity I was doing because she was not there. You have to keep forcing it though, keep getting out and doing things and being engaged with your support system. I still feel that way now, but it is lessening. I’ve had a few get togethers lately where the pain of missing her didn’t hit until afterwards when I’d get home alone. I know that doesn’t sound “hopeful” but it is an improvement from it being constant while being out and when back home. The other thing is doing some form of physical exercise. In moments where I’ve really grown upset, getting to the gym, sweating and exerting myself very strenuously has helped clear my mind and bleed off those emotions. It has the added bonus of doing something really good for your health and self-image! I’m having an okay day today with everything but I’m really looking forward to going to the gym tonight!
Feel free to PM me if you need a shoulder. Many dopers have been a shoulder for me to lean on as I’m going through my own difficulties in this area. I’m happy to return the favor.
Best of luck to you,
MeanJoe
Point on wallowing made. 'nuff said.
I’ve got a girl from ~10 years ago that I still think about often. I guess they won’t ever totally leave your mind, but you just have to do what makes you happy and live your life.
I was actually happy today - I smiled AND laughed. But now, it’s like I crashed, and I feel even worse than before the happy! I know, I know…I’m a whiner. This is just the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. But one thing I have to be proud of…I am doing awesome in front of my kids!! (I don’t want anyone to think I’m fucking them up because my life is crappy right now!) Took them to get their Halloween costumes today and did a silly mommy version of their good night book that had them shrieking with laughter. That may not sound like a lot, but right now, it’s a lot!
One day at a time, Mamakat. You’re on the road to recovery. There will definitely be bumps in the road, but you’ll get there.
Mamakat,
First of all, you are not a whiner. You are venting. You are putting your feelings out here and finding you are not alone.
Secondly, you sound like a great mom. Your description made me smile and those are hard to come by sometimes so thank you.
Finally, you will go up and down. Expect it and try to be prepared for those moments. At first it was all down for me. I wasn’t laughing or smiling. Then I was laughing and smiling but there was sadness there because “she” would have found that funny too and why isn’t she here?!? I really felt (and still feel sometimes) like I’m missing a part of me in those situations, my other half, amigo, partner, love. Now, I do enjoy myself at the gym or out with friends or whatever but it comes back. Sometimes while I’m out, always when I get home and I’m alone. It is a process that gets the smallest percent better with each day and each week.
I found posting to my own thread about my break-up to be a nice safety-valve outlet for those emotions. So keep posting here if you want, let us know what is going on, and remember - you’re not alone. Been there, done that, and buying the t-shirt (again!).
MeanJoe
Losing a loved one is never easy - be it from death, a break-up, or something else. There’s lots of great advice here already, so I’m not going to echo any of it. Instead, I’ll share something I posted to an ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) community board a few months ago (1 July 2008, to be exact) regarding my own efforts to overcome past hurts. And while this post does use prayer, I am in no way attempting to preach or push religion - I’m sure there are plenty of ways one can modify the exact technique in ways that do not involve the Divine.
In my ongoing efforts to pummel my inner demons into submission, one of the most stubborn issues I’ve faced is not being able to let go. Now granted, there are some things I have been able to let go of, but far too many thing I have not. Some resentments and regrets have just been too tough to handle. And let me tell you, those demons, being the rat-bastards they are, have had a grand old time flipping me off.
Pray for the wanker.
In addition to therapy and online ACOA meetings, I’ve been doing a lot of reading. One of those books is The Spirituality of Imperfection. While it is not about Alcoholics Anonymous per se, a major part of the book is about how A.A. “re-discovered” centuries-old wisdom from numerous sources about spirituality when it put together its famous 12 Step Program. It holds A.A. up as a shining example of how we cannot grow personally or spiritually until we accept just how imperfect we are.
Pray for the skank.
The most recent chapters I read are about forgiveness and dealing with resentment, and they really resonated with me. The books tells of a struggling member of A.A. who is having some trouble with forgiveness. No matter how hard he tries, there is one person he simply cannot forgive - the damage done was just too great and his resentment is just too strong. The advice he was given by his sponsor was simple, to-the-point, and quite typical of A.A.
“It sounds like you need to pray for the s.o.b.”
It may seem counter-intuitive that saying a prayer for someone would help you to forgive them. It might also feel… well… wrong to say a prayer for someone you harbor anger, resentment, or hatred towards. After all, you wouldn’t be struggling with forgiveness if you could honestly say a nice prayer for them, there is no point in saying a nice prayer if you don’t mean it, and calling down the wrath of the Divine upon the target of your ire is counter-productive if you are trying to forgive them. All that having been said, the book makes the assertion that crazy as it sounds, this approach works.
Of course, the reason it works is because of how they phrase the prayer: “Please give that son-of-a-bitch exactly what he deserves.”
Pray for the bleeding cunt.
Personally, I find something deeply satisfying about calling somebody a bitch, bastard, asshole, or some other choice rude name in a prayer.
“My Lord, please give that motherfucker exactly what he deserves.”
I love the beauty of this. You get to vent your spleen at the target of your ire and beseech your Higher Power to give the rat-bastard exactly what they deserve, while simultaneously trusting the wisdom of your Higher Power to be the arbiter of what is deserved, when to apply it, and how to deliver it. It also allows the Higher Power to work with your imperfection, for if the target of your ire is truly undeserving of what you would consider “just” punishment, the prayer remains valid, because getting what one “deserves” need not always be a bad thing. You just can’t go wrong, here. You also can’t go wrong with the results. Never mind how the Higher Power chooses to answer the prayer. In using this prayer, you have finally been able to do something about a vexing and frustrating situation. Which, in turn, makes it possible for you to put it out of your mind.
Pray for the pustulant prick.
You know how it is that some things are impossible to attain when you are actively trying to get it? How sometimes, you just need to let go and stop trying so hard, and then all of a sudden, it clicks? Forgiveness is a lot like that. OK, its exactly like it. If you are trying to forgive someone, it ain’t gonna happen, because you’ll be spending all your time remembering why you need to forgive the person, which won’t put you in a forgiving mood. But when you say an honest prayer for the motherfucker, its gets rid of the rage, restores some peace to your mind and allows your mind to not be focused on it. Then, eventually, when that person crosses your mind, you aren’t so angry with them anymore. You may even find that forgiveness has entered your soul.
Pray for the venomous viper.
Then again, maybe I’m just talking out of my backside (and if I am, sorry about the odor).
Pray for the scurvy scoundrel.
All that having been said, I gave it a try a few days ago, and said some honest, heart-felt, foul-mouthed prayers for more than a few people I know.
Fuck me over a log… it seems to be working.
And to make sure I don’t get too full of myself…
“In closing, my Lord, please be sure to give this lowly wretch exactly what I deserve.”
Amen.