I don’t consider someone giving me ‘the look’ as being ‘hit on’. You have to talk to someone to really hit on them IMO. Not that you can’t express interest very clearly with eye contact (it’s the quickest easiest way actually).
Anyway I’m a woman and I get clear expressions of interest multiple times weekly (‘the look’, catcalls, guys trying to make conversation). I’m in my mid-20s and cute.
No, it isn’t. Plenty of women are willing to have a pleasant smalltalk convo with a stranger that they don’t want to date. Unless you overtly express interest in pursuing further “not walking away” is absolutely not an expression of “I am interested in a date with you at a later time.” Also the smalltalk pre-hitting on does not take any courage, escalating to hitting on does.
Yes it DOES matter who drops in the little invite. The one who drops the little invite is the one who is risking “Sorry I have a boyfriend/girlfriend” and then awkwardness and rejection, or an even less polite rejection.
Really? You don’t see how “I am interested in you are you interested in me back?” when the potential response is “NO” takes courage? Have you ever been rejected by someone you thought you had a good rapport with? It’s a sucky feeling. I’m old enough and have developed thick enough skin now that if it was a girl I didn’t know that well I wouldn’t care at all unless she was intentionally rude about it, but if it was a girl I knew well and really liked, it would STILL take a lot of courage and STILL suck really bad to be rejected.
I used the word “hit on” as in, decent male human beings approaching ladies to see about a date, not those pick up artist manipulative scumbags, that is a whole different ballgame. 
IMO It’s genuine confidence in yourself+respect for women as just another human being that makes it easier to talk to women, when I did not have those things it was nearly impossible to do so. But still I empathize with guys more than women since they are the ones taking all the risk in starting relationships. Also even if a girl agrees to dates, in American culture he is probably committing a few hundred dollars of his own money to even find out if they are compatible to become a couple.
There is NO WAY if we erased our dating culture and started from square one, that the “straight man team” would design the system this way. It is a remnant/artifact of when women were property and could not make their own money, it is not a system beneficial to modern men in any way. The only reason women defend the system now is because they don’t have to take emotional risk and they get free shit.
Tat one cracked me up. I might try a toned down version of it sometime.
It only takes a lot of courage if you are already socially awkward. For most people, asking someone out is not some great huge emotional investment. Mostly, you figure either they say “yes” and you’ll hopefully have a good time, or they will say “no” and you will move on to someone else…no emotional breakdown necessary.
This isn’t some arbitrary test. Girls like guys who can read their emotional signals…people who can read you are funner to be around, less likely to be crazy stalkers, more likely to work through disagreements and the like well, and just plain better parters. Women don’t want emotionally damaged or extremely awkward men, and actively select against them. I’d venture for the most part, men have the same selectivity.
I don’t know what the frequency is yet. I’m only 54. I guess the best estimate would be “less than 0.02 times per year”.
I think that’s a pretty idiotic thing to say. People can be very sociable and fun to be around, and have problems approaching girls. One of my best friends is very good looking, has a great laugh, but he cannot get up the courage to ask a girl out. He is not in any way “socially awkward” other than he has a hard time approaching girls, so he has to be asked out by girls or else he does not ever date.
Even though he is VERY good looking, and very fun to be around/popular, he only hooks up with a girl every other year or so because of his nervousness about approaching girls.
He may be fun to be around as one of the guys, but I’d imagine someone that awkward with girls isn’t actually that fun for girls to hang out with. I want someone who can make me laugh, challenge me, and keep me interested. You can’t do that if you are too awkward with women to look me in the eye or take a tiny risk.
Does he see them as “girls” or as women?
And, what even sven said. If he’s so undone my the notion that “girls” are scary and alien, then his interactions with them are perhaps strained and uncomfortable, not confident or relaxed. Which is a turn-off, for sure.
Note that roger never said “huge emotional investment” or “emotional breakdown”.
You say “most people”. Are you sure you’re not projecting your personality on most people?
You say that most people “figure either they say “yes” and you’ll hopefully have a good time, or they will say “no” and you will move on to someone else”. Since most people includes women, is this the way most women go about things? Do most women freely ask men out? Some do, that’s undeniable. But your statement is stronger than that, you talk about “most people”.
As for reading emotional signals. If people around you were giving you emotional signals but you didn’t pick up on them, how would you know that you missed them? They would have sent the emotional signal, you would have missed it and therefore never even realized it was there to be read. Hence you would think you’re great at reading emotional signals, because everytime you see someone send one, you see it!
I said once a week or more because when a woman flirts with you, she is basically advertising that she is available for a bf. I wouldn’t strictly categorize it as “hitting on”, but flirty stuff basically says the same thing. But it has to be just for fun, I have a gf and play by the rules.
I’m not especially pretty, more big and strong. It is more a “quantity has its own quality” thing instead of a superman story. I am purposefully physical for health and wellness and all that, but really it is an accident that I fit into some women’s idea of a ‘type’. I don’t really live up to the hype either. My gf and I are nerds frankly.
I’m 26, I’m not sure what you mean by that but it is still normal for people my age to refer to girls our age as “girls”.
You don’t know the first thing about my friend. He does not think girls are “alien”, he is just too uncomfortable with making the first move. And our mutual friends who are girls and expert gay guys all agree that he is an awesome guy who could be swimming in girls if he was willing to make the first moves.
The only reason he is not swimming in girls is because girls don’t usually ask guys out because they don’t have to. There is no way any girl is around him reading him as awkward, strained or umcomfortable.
Simply put the assertion that anyone who is too nervous to ask girls out is some type of social misfit is bullshit. My assertion that you can be socially great except nervous to ask girls out is completely true.
Also are women who don’t ask guys out undateable socially awkward losers who are no fun to be around, or does this standard only apply to guys?
Some guys (like me) can be shy at first, but once they warm up to someone they can probably be very sociable.
I think you are wholly wrong, and I think you are being insensitive. Maybe not everybody is as bold as you? How can you not see that baring one’s feelings might make some people somewhat nervous?
In any case, I still felt like asking someone out took a (small) leap of courage, even after I had various more-or-less successful relationships, and even though I had many friends of various genders.
But of those men with enough gumption to do the asking the mostest or the firstest you know what constitutes a significant fraction of that population?
The players that enjoy the chase. The ones just looking to get into someone’s pants and then move on to next chase.
You “the man’s gotta do the chasing” women are just hoisting yourselves by your own petard.
I have gotten the impression that in Sven’s milieu, asking someone out is not baring your feelings but rather baring your horniness, which isn’t as difficult.
Around these parts, that’s considered being “hit on”.
Direct eye contact, and a look that says, “I’m not the one.” If they keep up after that, I tell them to fuck off. The main thing is that I let them know that I’m not embarassed, and I’m not afraid to confront them about their behavior. But let me be clear, that’s not an attitude I take with very many guys, only the ones who are boldly rude, like the ones I was talking about in my anecdote.
That’s interesting, because it’s always worked just fine for me. I would certainly give a man the right kind of response if I was interested, but when I was single I always let the man do the asking out, calling first, etc. And I would even say that being too “available,” in that regard, is where a lot of women go wrong when it comes to men. I’m not saying a woman should never try to make plans, or call a man, but when it comes to the first month or so of dating, I think it’s better to let the man do the chasing, for sure. Call me old fashioned, but again, it always worked for me.
I am hit on roughly once a month, but my job brings me into contact with drunk partygoers quite frequently. If I had an office job, I’d probably have answered “a handful of times since puberty.”
Me too (or three or four). Is there a “same sex” version of this thread floating around? I thought that’s what the thread title I had been seen for the past few days said.
Anyways, yeah, I’m 31, I think it’s happened maybe a few times ever, maybe never. But I’m one of those shy people and if I got the vibe that someone that I had no interest in was going to hit on me, I’d probably do what I could to avoid them or steer the conversation as far away from dating type stuff as possible. If it was someone I was interested in I’d probably act like a fumbling idiot and scare them off. OTOH, more then likely neither of them were interested and they were probably just making polite conversation or just interested in something I was talking about.
Also, I was in a single LTR from 18-29 years old (married for the last 5 of them) and pretty oblivious to most of that type of stuff going on around me. If someone liked me, they would have had to hit me over the head to get me to notice them during those years. What I mean is, someone literally would have had to use the word ‘date’ or ‘sex’ or made physical contact with me while talking for me to even realize they were flirting during that time.
I assume we’re talking about IRL (though I suppose getting hit on while on a dating site doesn’t count as ‘out of the blue’).