Of course I kill kittens! I’m a girl! It’s right there in the OP, silly! (I assumed the “kittens” bit was a play on “pussy”. Maybe not.)
Me too. But “jilloff” made me giggle, too.
Well I’d whip it all day and all night if I could
but the Lord and the wife wouldn’t take it too good
so I whip it when it and work when I should
Thank God I’m a peckerwood.
I only beat off under medical supervision these days. It’s a chore.
The rest of the time, every sperm is sacred. The Egg is jealous of my right fist, and does not suffer competition.
Even with a word apparently missing from the third line, that was hilarious.
Now all we need (besides the missing word) is a John Denver sound-alike to record it. 
Remember this gem (sung to the tune of Funiculi Funicula)
Smash it! Bash it! Beat it on the floor!
Smite it! Bite it! Ram it through a door!
It is so neat to beat your meat
While sitting on the toilet seeeeeeeat!
Then something about life being divine, etc. The rest escapes me.
Female, 44, partnered for 14 years, lesbian.
Once a month, and if I’m really lucky, I hit the O-zone. Stupid Effexor!
38
M
Single
Straight
I’m slowing down some in the past few years. I used to average 12-15 times per week, but now i’m closer to 7-10 per week. It’s still a rare day that i don’t masturbate, though. I’m sure the frequency has something to do with a Catholic upbringing, but i have no idea what.
I almost started this hijack in the other thread, but figured it would be distracting from the topic at hand (no pun intended). Apparently it would have been/was.
Apt name, mate.
42
M
Married
Straight
Daily, unless my wife is in the mood. (some nights she just wants a back-rub and a foot-rub, and is too tired for more) It helps me get to sleep.
It should be “very good” instead of “too good”.
Me and two friends were at a minor league baseball game a long time ago. (the OKC '89ers) and they played Thank God I’m a Country Boy for the 7th inning streach. We changed the words a bit.
Oh and it should also be
I whip it when I can, I’d suck it if I could.
I ain’t tellin’.
Oftener than I do autopsies.
Quicker, too.
Female, twenty-seven, single, bisexual. I do it at least once a day, and more often on special occasions. 
Man, you had me scared for a minute.
Who had you scared?
The only euphemism I like is “dialing O” no pink telephone tacked on, however…people get the point already.
29
F
single
straight
About 4 times a week on average - but that includes some weeks of not at all and some of more often.
While we’re already in TMI, do any other gals find themselves more inclined just prior to their periods? I know it’s pretty common, but fairly useless if the idea is to make women want to propagate the species - it should be when you’re ovulating! As a PMS indicator, it’s pretty good however.
I do. Around that time, I get crazy horny. It’s almost funny.
But not quite.
Oh and as for me, once or twice daily.
Male
41
Single (sigh)