How to Attract (and keep) men

In My Humble Opinion
41

[QUOTE=Gestalt]
I will also that by “aloof,” I don’t mean, never talk to him or return his phone calls. Be interested, but not too much . . . let him do the pursuing at the beginning.
[/QUOTE]

Alot of posters on this board claim to eschew all game and always be honest. Frankly I think that’s unrealistic and far from anything resembling the real dating world. Definitely let him chase a bit and don’t be too eager. Whether it’s a sad commentary on human nature or not doesn’t matter, and results do. A girl that doesn’t stumble over herself to return my calls is communicating a degree of confidence and a lack of neediness that I find attractive, and I think most men with options feel the same way.

Put it this way: desperate women are about as attractive as desperate men, which is to say, not.

[QUOTE=Gestalt]
You guys continue to hang out, she is friendly and chill and retains the same traits that attracted you in the beginning. Would you at all consider giving it another shot?

Or for most guys is it over once it’s over?
[/QUOTE]

It’s never over over, but neediness is pretty bad. Maybe other guys feel differently, but it’s just a bad trip for me. It wouldn’t necessarily scare me off for good but if that was what broke it up I wouldn’t be eager to try again. Needy girl translates into guilty or annoyed guy, and I don’t date a girl to be that guy. If I really got the impression that her shit was together I’d give it another go.

42

[QUOTE=Grossbottom]
Alot of posters on this board claim to eschew all game and always be honest. Frankly I think that’s unrealistic and far from anything resembling the real dating world. Definitely let him chase a bit and don’t be too eager. Whether it’s a sad commentary on human nature or not doesn’t matter, and results do. A girl that doesn’t stumble over herself to return my calls is communicating a degree of confidence and a lack of neediness that I find attractive, and I think most men with options feel the same way.

Put it this way: desperate women are about as attractive as desperate men, which is to say, not.
It’s never over over, but neediness is pretty bad. Maybe other guys feel differently, but it’s just a bad trip for me. It wouldn’t necessarily scare me off for good but if that was what broke it up I wouldn’t be eager to try again. Needy girl translates into guilty or annoyed guy, and I don’t date a girl to be that guy. If I really got the impression that her shit was together I’d give it another go.
[/QUOTE]

Grossbottom, thank you so much for saying that. I was thinking something was wrong with me cause my experience was that total honesty wasn’t the best policy . . . I agree 100% with what you said.

As to giving it another go, would it matter how long you had dated her? Like, if you had dated a couple of years with her getting increasingly, frenetically needy vs. a month or so where the neediness translated into calling or texting a few too many times and a couple of weird conversations, how would the different scenarios affect your desire to see her again? in the first, you have more of an attachment, but in the second, there’s less bad blood . . .
Ooooh, also, thought of another question. Does realizing that a girl you like not have a certain skill you find attractive ever turn you off? For example, many times when an ex has started dating someone else, I often petulantly think to myself, “I bet it’s cause she’s better at soccer than me,” or, “it’s cause she’s so good at guitar” or something similar to that. I realize it’s kind of ridiculous, but am I justified in making those assumptions?

Gestalt

43

[QUOTE=HelloNinja]
It might sound male-centric to say this, but if you’re not into the same things sexually, a relationship is doomed. Basically, you need someone with a similar interest in sex, similar kinks, whatever. Everything else in a relationship is important too, of course - but without a level playing field in the bedroom, you’ll have trouble hanging on.

[/QUOTE]

Not male-centric at all (and I’m a huge Savage fan, though he’s more sex than dating). I totally agree that, whatever your gender, if you have a particular fetish that your partner doesn’t share or refuses to ever indulge, things will probably not work out. Though I’m not sure the OP is bedding every guy she dates. That’s a whole other kettle of fish, guys who lose interest after you’ve slept with them.

Gestalt, what sort of dates are you going on? Through online dating sites, through friends, with people you know? Are you genuinely interested in the guys after one or two meetings, or do you just feel you should be ‘out there’ in the dating world? I’m young and stupid, but I’ve never considered ‘attracting guys’ in general a priority-- just those I myself am attracted to (and if they’re on my radar, I likely know a bit better how our personalities mesh, though romantic relationships do make people do the crazy).

44

[QUOTE=Cat Fight]
Not male-centric at all (and I’m a huge Savage fan, though he’s more sex than dating). I totally agree that, whatever your gender, if you have a particular fetish that your partner doesn’t share or refuses to ever indulge, things will probably not work out. Though I’m not sure the OP is bedding every guy she dates. That’s a whole other kettle of fish, guys who lose interest after you’ve slept with them.

Gestalt, what sort of dates are you going on? Through online dating sites, through friends, with people you know? Are you genuinely interested in the guys after one or two meetings, or do you just feel you should be ‘out there’ in the dating world? I’m young and stupid, but I’ve never considered ‘attracting guys’ in general a priority-- just those I myself am attracted to (and if they’re on my radar, I likely know a bit better how our personalities mesh, though romantic relationships do make people do the crazy).
[/QUOTE]

Cat Fight , I’m 23 years old and meeting people in real life, sometimes randomly and sometimes they are friends. I think honestly what is wrong with me is that I’m getting a little desperate, and so am looking for, “a guy, any guy” who fits some marginal parameters. This last guy, really wasn’t into him at all, but as soon as he showed interest, I was like, “well, why not? I’ve been wanting a bf.”

Bad idea, I know.

Anyways, I think it’s becoming a vicious cycle, and I need to maybe take your tack of really only dating guys I’m genuinely attracted to.

Gestalt.

45

Gestalt, I’d advise going online and just getting a SHITLOAD of dates. This is very easy to accomplish if you’re a woman (and especially if you live in a metro area). The more you go on, the more you’ll realize that there are plenty of men out there, that there are many fish in the sea, and you won’t be as likely to pin your hopes on one guy. Only go on second and third dates with guys you truly like and feel a connection with. Also dating around, seeing a few guys at once, will make you feel, and seem, less desperate, even if you continue to feel as if the big goal in your life right now is to solidify a relationship with a great guy.

46

[QUOTE=Gestalt]
Ooooh, also, thought of another question. Does realizing that a girl you like not have a certain skill you find attractive ever turn you off? For example, many times when an ex has started dating someone else, I often petulantly think to myself, “I bet it’s cause she’s better at soccer than me,” or, “it’s cause she’s so good at guitar” or something similar to that. I realize it’s kind of ridiculous, but am I justified in making those assumptions?
[/QUOTE]

No.

However, for me (and I’d bet most guys), if I have some sort of hobby that’s really important to me, it’s important that my mate at least feign tolerance for it. Genuine enthusiasm is better, of course. Total disdaine is a deal-breaker.

47

Several years ago, I went through a divorce and then started dating again. I was about 39 at the time I started dating again.

The issues I had with women and why I ‘dumped’ them quickly:

  • Significant doubt of their mental stability. Expressing neurotic thoughts early would raise this flag (unfairly maybe but I wouldn’t know that)

  • The baggage they have (like kids) and they’re not dealing well with it. If it is a chore setting up a date and you have to hear about trouble with sitters etc…it makes you lose interest. LIkewise, if said kids appear…abnormal mentally or having emotional issues. It raises a red flag. However, if the kid seems emotionally well, that says something to. Could this be a factor?

  • Likewise, if their life is busy and it is hard to schedule…I just interpreted as their not being interested. I mean, if they were interested, they would try harder, right? I think that is true but I did have a couple that expressed that they really were interested just really were busy (and they seemed honest about it). So, if you are interested and busy…watch out for this. Guys after a certain age interpret this to mean ‘not really interested’. Are you doing this?

  • No sexual chemistry. There is no real spark. Or, if there is a spark on my end and seems like she has it as well…a reluctance to be physical or activities leading to sex. I was no teen anymore and you are no virgin. Reluctance to be physical or have sex after we get to know each other scream “I Don’t like being physical!..I’m damaged” and I didn’t want any of that. How about this?

MOST OF ALL - and for some reason many women don’t know this (?) - Is she fun? I dated several women for a date or two that just didn’t seem to get the fact that dating=fun. Sometimes she talks about a dreery life. Others may not want to do anything but dinners/walks. Amusement park? No? why not? ok fair - how about a museum then? No? Well, what do you like to do? Not much? Well, how about we try xxxx. No? Hmmmm. If you are not fun dating…you’ll be a real blast when the serious things come along. So many seemed to be sizing you up to a yoke to help bare their burdens. I may do that, but only if I get something out of it to!

The last one weeded out more than the others. Is this tripping you up?

48

[QUOTE=Gestalt]
As to giving it another go, would it matter how long you had dated her? Like, if you had dated a couple of years with her getting increasingly, frenetically needy vs. a month or so where the neediness translated was calling or texting a few too many times and a couple of weird conversations, how would the different scenarios affect your desire to see her again? in the first, you have more of an attachment, but in the second, there’s less bad blood . . .
[/QUOTE]

The second one is preferrable: a month or so, but with a mandatory cooling off period. See, here’s what happens. We meet a chick and it bombs, for whatever reason. Then we’re like eff-that, move on to the next. But of course the next one has her own problems, and that one tanks. And the next. Six months down the road, we’re sad and lonely and we think back to that first one and how she wasn’t that bad. A few nights and many beers later she’s a freakin’ goddess and MAN did we overreact and screw that one up.

And that’s when we send the text message out of the blue, or run into her “by accident”. But it will all be predicated on this feeling that there was unexplored potential there, and that’s not a feeling you’ll have with a relationship that went on for years.

But without a cooling off period, we can’t get to the “man I screwed that up, she was actually pretty cute” stage. It sounds like you want to try and salvage this one right away, which is a huge mistake. Cut him loose and if you’re still thinking about him in a few months, you can bump into him and see what he does. Maybe he’ll be interested (or maybe not) but you won’t get a good result trying to force things, especially if neediness was his issue.

[QUOTE=Gestalt]
Ooooh, also, thought of another question. Does realizing that a girl you like not have a certain skill you find attractive ever turn you off?
[/QUOTE]

No, I don’t find skills attractive or unattractive. She can be the dopiest, most hapless stoner on the planet but if she flips my switch I’ll be into it.

49

[QUOTE=Grossbottom]
The second one is preferrable: a month or so, but with a mandatory cooling off period. See, here’s what happens. We meet a chick and it bombs, for whatever reason. Then we’re like eff-that, move on to the next. But of course the next one has her own problems, and that one tanks. And the next. Six months down the road, we’re sad and lonely and we think back to that first one and how she wasn’t that bad. A few nights and many beers later she’s a freakin’ goddess and MAN did we overreact and screw that one up.

[/QUOTE]

Well, we flirted on and off for about 1.5 months, and the trouble started about midway in between, and I think I will be seeing a bit of him, as we have many close friends (in fact, going to a party this weekend at his place with many other mutual friends). I have no problems being genuinely friends with him. Also, the “breakup” as it were was pretty amicable. I planned to wait about a month, see how I felt, and if the attraction was still there, say something. Does that seem feasible?

Regardless, I think it can’t hurt to look mucho hot at his party . . . there will probably be other cute boys there . . . from what I’ve heard, best way to get a boy’s attention is to be sexy, flirtatious but a little off-limits (although I know that last part is controversial).

Gestalt.

50

[QUOTE=BlinkingDuck]
MOST OF ALL - and for some reason many women don’t know this (?) - Is she fun? I dated several women for a date or two that just didn’t seem to get the fact that dating=fun. Sometimes she talks about a dreery life. Others may not want to do anything but dinners/walks. Amusement park? No? why not? ok fair - how about a museum then? No? Well, what do you like to do? Not much? Well, how about we try xxxx. No? Hmmmm. If you are not fun dating…you’ll be a real blast when the serious things come along. So many seemed to be sizing you up to a yoke to help bare their burdens. I may do that, but only if I get something out of it to!

The last one weeded out more than the others. Is this tripping you up?
[/QUOTE]

Oh, this is a good one. One of my favorite dates of all time was going on the Staten Island ferry–it didn’t exactly work out (for other various reasons), but it was a really romantic time. (Yes, the words “Staten Island” and “romance” used together.)

And the zoo is also a great place to go on dates. (Ironic, because mostly the animals seem to be a lot better at this whole courtship thing than we are, judging by this thread.) There’s a really good “Sopranos” episode where Tony’s new goomah proves herself to be rather unusual and a cut above his usual girls when she asks him to take her to the zoo. Plus, it’s the zoo. The only thing potentially better is the aquarium.

51

[QUOTE=Gestalt]
Cat Fight , I’m 23 years old and meeting people in real life, sometimes randomly and sometimes they are friends. I think honestly what is wrong with me is that I’m getting a little desperate, and so am looking for, “a guy, any guy” who fits some marginal parameters. This last guy, really wasn’t into him at all, but as soon as he showed interest, I was like, “well, why not? I’ve been wanting a bf.”

Bad idea, I know.

Anyways, I think it’s becoming a vicious cycle, and I need to maybe take your tack of really only dating guys I’m genuinely attracted to.

Gestalt.
[/QUOTE]

Don’t waste your time with guys that are not your type. I know frustration can lead to desperation dating but it rarely works out. Be patient.

Also, and I honestly don’t mean to be crass, I’ll third blowjobs. Men have two modes: Horny and very horny. During the garden variety horny mode men can talk about relationships and such. But the normal very horny male is going to eventually want a woman who is willing and good at oral sex, IMHO.

52

You shouldn’t be trying to change the guy. If he has a bad temper just dump him rather than point it out to him. It’s really unlikely that would ever change. Find somebody more to your liking.

53

Trust me, there was not a lack of bjs . . . two a night . . . also said I was the best in bed he’d ever had . . .

54

Gestalt, from what I can tell … you seem to be overthinking all of this quite a bit. You’re 23, and according to you have no trouble attracting men - I think you need to relax. :slight_smile: Why are you just looking for “a guy, any guy?” Would you rather settle for “any guy” than wait a bit for something worth “keeping?” (Not enouraging you to wait for “the one” or anything; just saying dating for the sake of dating sounds exhausting to me.)

55

[QUOTE=Gestalt]
Wellfrom what I’ve heard, best way to get a boy’s attention is to be sexy, flirtatious but a little off-limits (although I know that last part is controversial).
[/QUOTE]
You are giving off a vaguely clinging, tries too hard, vibe. You might think that there will be some guys that appreciate being needed in this way, but I doubt it. At least not guys guaranteed not to keep your dismembered body in the freezer.

Trying portray yourself as aloof or “off-limits”, when you are anything but, is just more evidence of trying too hard. I think the attitude you should going for is confidence and self assuredness. If you don’t have it, it can be learned, but I wouldn’t be in favor off the off-limits act.

56

[QUOTE=Waverly]
You are giving off a vaguely clinging, tries too hard, vibe. You might think that there will be some guys that appreciate being needed in this way, but I doubt it. At least not guys guaranteed not to keep your dismembered body in the freezer.

Trying portray yourself as aloof or “off-limits”, when you are anything but, is just more evidence of trying too hard. I think the attitude you should going for is confidence and self assuredness. If you don’t have it, it can be learned, but I wouldn’t be in favor off the off-limits act.
[/QUOTE]

I typed and deleted twice over a paragraph trying to say all of this. I agree wholeheartedly. I don’t think it’s too hard to spot those who are trying to give off an off-limits vibe just so they can be seen as “attractive.” Plus it seems like it would be a tiring act to keep up. The point of going to a party is to have fun! :slight_smile:

57

I’m not so sure I’m one for giving any “love” advice but I dont mind sharing what I’ve learned from past exerience:

First of all, you are young. Very young (and imho I’d never “go back” to any age prior to 29). Why do you want a boyfriend? Because all your friends are “couples”? Because you feel less important by being single? Because you’re horny and want sex without being labled as “easy”? I personally think you should look inward before asking others why they think you are driving away men (although there is good advice posted - but worry about that LAST).

When I was young, I was too much in a hurry to fulfill what I WANTED. A man, children, an extended family. This leads to some not-so-smart decisions, which then leads to things like having a less than desireable mate, being miserable, and ultimately splitting up (and if young ones are involved, it’s even more complicated).

The best years of my life was when I was newly divorced and away from my family’s influence. I dragged my feet for a long time before I was ready to date again. I teeter-totterred between dating and “friends with benefits”. When I did find myself ready for a relationship, I settled for someone who became dependent on me because I made them feel wanted. Truth is, the only thing we had going in the relationship is the sex - and that eventually started to dwindle. We lived together and we were engaged but our relationship lacked respect and responsibility and it ended horribly after 7yrs. Basically, the relationship only existed because HE “needed” me and I felt some responsibility, and it was “safe”.

This time I did not hide myself away like a hermit - I went out, socialized, met single men off of online dating sites and HAD FUN. Most of the time the dates were dutch so that way it was more of a “get to know you & noones out anything but maybe some time”. If I liked someone well enough, and they liked me enough to ask for an official date, then I would give it a shot. I met and dated more than one man, but made sure to restrain from intercourse. However, I did have some really fun make-out sessions (and I was able to determine by their kiss if they would hold my attention).

When I wasnt looking for a “boyfriend”, I happened to meet someone who shared many interests, was sexually attracted to, an A+ kisser, someone I respect and they respect me, but most of all - a FRIENDSHIP developed. We communicate, we have fun, and we share responsibilities. He accepts me for who I am, and I love him for who he is. We are different, but we compliment eachother. And I probably would have scared him off if I hadnt learned to like myself first, and have the confidence that I am fully capable and not scared to be on my own.

PS I found that getting a man’s attention with your brain FIRST will allow your “skills” to enhance the relationship, not make the relationship :wink:

58

Waverly and HazelNutCoffee, upon reflection, I agree.

I really do need to just develop some self-confidence; I’m sure that’s at the root of my general clinginess problem.

Is there a way of dressing that can also seem a little desperate? He’s seen me a million times in just jeans, t-shirt and no makeup, but for this party I had planned a little brown dress and matching heels (it is semi-formal). That wouldn’t look weird, right? I think the dress is quite flattering, although maybe a little low-cut.

I really need to take a step back from the boy-craziness and focus on myself, as well. Thanks for the advice, everyone, and thanks for not assuming that I’m some idiotic, immature teen-ager type, which is probably what I would have assumed from reading this. This issues have been bugging me for a while and I just now got up the gumption to post about it.

Gestalt

59

[QUOTE=Gestalt]
.

Is there a way of dressing that can also seem a little desperate?
[/QUOTE]

Good Lord, you really need to stop worrying so much! :slight_smile: Dress how you want - whatever you feel comfortable in and sexy in. Two people can wear the same dress and one can completely own it while the other ends up looking like she put it on to troll for guys. My roommate, for example, wears the craziest clothes that I would look ridiculous in, but she wears them with an attitude that has people saying, “She looks hot!” rather than, “Whoa, what the hell is that girl wearing?!”

A lot of it IS about wearing clothes that make you look attractive and that are appropriate to the situation, but how you carry yourself also does make a big difference.

60

[QUOTE=Gestalt]
Is there a way of dressing that can also seem a little desperate?
[/QUOTE]
Yes, but it would be hard to give iron-clad rules. Along the lines of “I know it when I see it” I’d say the real determining factor is whether the clothing is appropriate. Appropriate to the setting, the occasion, and even to you. It doesn’t have much to do with whether the outfit is sexy or not. Sometimes you can survey the crowd and a few people will stand out as if they were in costumes… like they were trying to play some character that isn’t really them. It’s never been hard for me to spot.