I never ever ever thought in a million years that I would be making this post, considering the asinine stupidity of some of the stuff I’ve said in the past. But this is frank and real and I really really need your help.
I’m a guy. I’m in college. And I think I have a hyper-obsessed associate (with the potential to be a stalker if this doesn’t end soon).
The story is incredibly long at this point though I’ve known this person for a relatively short time.
I’m really not comfortable going into all the details, but for me, personally, very uncomfortable things have unfolded that I do not wish to continue to unfold.
At first I thought she was just really, I don’t know, experiencing some intense limerence (if I’m using the right word) where she just really liked me and thought I was cool. I’m not a mean or bad person so I did what I could to humor her and gave some of my time. Judging by how she was acting even the VERY FIRST STINKING TIME we met I knew there was some sexual stuff that she desired, but I thought that if I just placated her with my time I would be able avoid that.
Was I wrong.
Let me say the following before I go further.
I’m a guy. In college. In a residence hall. Surrounded by women.
But what I am not is a sexual guy.
I’m not “asexual,” like I see pretty women and think “hey she’s pretty,” but I really don’t ever have that urge to go and try to achieve any sort of sexual conquest. I am weird, I know. But I’m not sexual. I do my very very darndest to never look at porn and to not masturbate. I do NoFap on Reddit. Please don’t criticize my choices here, I find cutting those habits out of my life have made me a happier person.
So, that out of the way. Last night, she invites me to hang out. At this point I still think she’s somewhat okay, just trying to be friendly. We eventually go to her dorm room and I’m not an idiot and know what the eventual conclusion she will try to achieve is BUT I still think I can placate her with my time and company without any of that. Sooooooooo we proceed.
And it stays platonic for the first 95% of it. Literally, we talked. About real stuff. I was still leery, but I let my guard down a bit. She asked me questions and I answered them and I actually got to pontificate about my views on society and its structure and about how people are and behave and everything. It was decent. Not sure she actually understood any of the pseudo philosophical stuff I was spewing, but just that I got to say it was okay. Actually, come to think of it I said a lot of that stuff the first time we met, too, but I expounded a lot the second time around.
I explicitly explained why I’m not a sexual guy. I explicitly explained why I don’t do drugs and alcohol. I explicitly explained that I am not a touchy touchy individual and I have a space bubble and that I have boundaries and limits that I am pretty adamant about. But I did this while trying to not come across as rude or a jerk. Perhaps that was my problem. Anyway.
This meeting takes five hours. From like 11 o’clock (ish) to past 4 in the morning. All goes well the majority of the time. Then toward the end she tries to do some hand massage thing but I let it slide (placate, placate, placate) and as she’s doing it I’m watching the clock on the computer. When 4 o clock rolled around I told her that I had to go. So she asks for a hug. It’s just a hug, people give hugs all the time, one hug wouldn’t hurt.
And then she cranks up the sexual crap, literally hanging on me with her full body weight. I don’t want to do anything to her that counts as “assault” to try to get her off me, so I’m doing my best to assertively push her away without crossing any boundaries.
The various things I said during this attempt by her to get me to allow her to perform sexual favors include, “no” (and various iterations of the term), “why?”, “why me?”*, “I am not a sexual person” and some other stuff that, considering the circumstances was, in my view, decent enough to get my point across that I was NOT CONSENTING while still being respectful towards her. At one point I straight up said, “this is so desperate.”
Well, long story short I wind up underneath her on the bed but I assert myself away after a moment and depart before anything too serious happens, but I thought I did what I could to make it very clear that what had occurred was not something I was comfortable with. Recall that I do NoFap so an orgasm, even if it occurs in this instance and is not brought on through a ‘fap’, is something I really don’t wish to achieve. (to do hard mode of NoFap you need to stick to no PMO [pornography, masturbating, orgasm]).
Technically, I guess it would be considered ‘sexual assault,’ but I don’t want to denigrate the people who have really suffered from it so I use the phrase cautiously. At this point I’m not traumatized, I was more like “oh lord, how desperate are you” and I laugh it off, hahahaha, that was nuts, hahahaha, whatever it’s over and I’m in the clear.
Another tangent: I’m not opposed to sex and sexuality, per se, but for me when I do things, there generally has to be a reason. So with sex, it has to be deeper than the casual BS (and that includes grinding, lap dances, ‘erotic touching’) that permeates (and I guess has always permeated) the college environment. I am different and think differently than others, as I told her, as you will see soon within the next few paragraphs.
Back to the story.
Oh how foolish of me to think it was over. Nine something in the morning, she calls me on the phone. I let it ring through because I’m trying to sleep.
Since I got to sleep late, I woke up around two in the afternoon. Around three, guess who knocks on the door. It’s not the pizza guy.
She starts off with an “I’m sorry” and I try to play it off, “it’s cool it’s cool.” I invite her in, senses seem to have returned, it was probably just a one-off thing (recall I haven’t known her very long to know that it could be otherwise) and we sit and talk and I reiterate my viewpoints and that I have boundaries and limits and I stick to those boundaries and limits and so on and so forth. And then the discussion gets circular and I literally reiterate what I said about boundaries and viewpoints 6-10 times (I lost count) over the next many hours. She didn’t get it. Same old attempts at sexual stuff commence. I say stop. She gets close again. I say stop. I am super easy going and laid back so I will fully admit that I put up with it for a looooooooooooong time, because I assumed that someone who is intelligent enough to be in this college would be intelligent enough to understand the blatantly obvious hints I am giving that I am not interested. Yeah but she doesn’t stop. And I don’t know how to get someone to leave without touching them in this hyper-sensitive world in a manner that could not be (falsely) construed as assault. Placate, placate, placate.
So now I’m getting really really super duper uncomfortable. I’m making it known. I’m making it known that my boundaries have been more than crossed. I’m making it known that I do not consent. I’m making it known that I would really FUCKING appreciate it (without such blue language) if she would respect the things I have said MULTIPLE times. Doesn’t happen.
Eventually, I – Mr. Privately Brooding and Pensive but Publicly Smiling and Happy-Go-Lucky with the unbelievably long fuse – finally have had enough.
I tell her to leave. And I tell her to leave. And I tell her to leave and leave and leave and 10 million times over the next two hours I tell her to leave but she doesn’t leave. She doesn’t get the hint. I am walking away from her. I am not making eye contact. I am not letting her touch me. I do not touch her. I am tempted to pick her computer and cellphone up and throw them out the door to get her to go but that’s a liability and I don’t want to have to pay $1,500.
Eventually my savior roommate comes back and that finally gets her to go.
Hahaha, like it would be that easy! She’s gone for 30 minutes and comes back, knocks on the door and my roommate opens it up and lets her in (come on dude, really). I have literally had enough and I am not a yeller or a screamer but I make it very clear through my strong choice of words that I do not want her around and that she should probably go. I eventually corral her and get her out the door again.
I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to “tell on her.” I don’t want to be a snitch and knowing how nutty she is, she could try and swing around and accuse me of god knows what. I don’t know how to feel right now. Mad? Scared? Nervous? A mix of them all? I guess so. Exasperated. Holy hell yes. I literally don’t know HOW to feel because I’ve never been in a situation that has put me in an instance where I need to feel the emotions my mind and body should be trying to feel right now.
I really have to take a piss and I really have to brush my teeth but my dorm room door is locked (something that I’ve had to do for the first time in forever) and I am afraid to leave my dorm at 3 something in the morning because I don’t know where she is. I told my roommate that we are going to have to start locking the door.
FOLKS, THIS IS WHY I DON’T TRUST PEOPLE. THIS IS WHY I DO MY VERY BEST TO BE AS GOOD AND KIND TO FOLKS AS POSSIBLE WHILE KEEPING NEARLY EVERYBODY AT ARM’S LENGTH. THIS IS WHY I PLAN ON MOVING TO SOME EMPTY STATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUNTRY WHERE I CAN LIVE ALL BY MYSELF AND JUST BE ALONE.
Because this. Fucking. Blows.
Folks at Straight Dope, please help me. What do I do. Feel free to eviscerate me and point out the errors of my ways but if you do that also post some constructive advice to help make sure this situation doesn’t spiral out of control any more than it has.
(this was written off the cuff and from someone whose mind is a-whir with sensations and emotions he has never felt before so please don’t mind any spelling errors or grammar mistakes).