How to deal with someone who is hyper-obsessed with you

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I never ever ever thought in a million years that I would be making this post, considering the asinine stupidity of some of the stuff I’ve said in the past. But this is frank and real and I really really need your help.

I’m a guy. I’m in college. And I think I have a hyper-obsessed associate (with the potential to be a stalker if this doesn’t end soon).

The story is incredibly long at this point though I’ve known this person for a relatively short time.

I’m really not comfortable going into all the details, but for me, personally, very uncomfortable things have unfolded that I do not wish to continue to unfold.

At first I thought she was just really, I don’t know, experiencing some intense limerence (if I’m using the right word) where she just really liked me and thought I was cool. I’m not a mean or bad person so I did what I could to humor her and gave some of my time. Judging by how she was acting even the VERY FIRST STINKING TIME we met I knew there was some sexual stuff that she desired, but I thought that if I just placated her with my time I would be able avoid that.

Was I wrong.

Let me say the following before I go further.

I’m a guy. In college. In a residence hall. Surrounded by women.

But what I am not is a sexual guy.

I’m not “asexual,” like I see pretty women and think “hey she’s pretty,” but I really don’t ever have that urge to go and try to achieve any sort of sexual conquest. I am weird, I know. But I’m not sexual. I do my very very darndest to never look at porn and to not masturbate. I do NoFap on Reddit. Please don’t criticize my choices here, I find cutting those habits out of my life have made me a happier person.

So, that out of the way. Last night, she invites me to hang out. At this point I still think she’s somewhat okay, just trying to be friendly. We eventually go to her dorm room and I’m not an idiot and know what the eventual conclusion she will try to achieve is BUT I still think I can placate her with my time and company without any of that. Sooooooooo we proceed.

And it stays platonic for the first 95% of it. Literally, we talked. About real stuff. I was still leery, but I let my guard down a bit. She asked me questions and I answered them and I actually got to pontificate about my views on society and its structure and about how people are and behave and everything. It was decent. Not sure she actually understood any of the pseudo philosophical stuff I was spewing, but just that I got to say it was okay. Actually, come to think of it I said a lot of that stuff the first time we met, too, but I expounded a lot the second time around.

I explicitly explained why I’m not a sexual guy. I explicitly explained why I don’t do drugs and alcohol. I explicitly explained that I am not a touchy touchy individual and I have a space bubble and that I have boundaries and limits that I am pretty adamant about. But I did this while trying to not come across as rude or a jerk. Perhaps that was my problem. Anyway.

This meeting takes five hours. From like 11 o’clock (ish) to past 4 in the morning. All goes well the majority of the time. Then toward the end she tries to do some hand massage thing but I let it slide (placate, placate, placate) and as she’s doing it I’m watching the clock on the computer. When 4 o clock rolled around I told her that I had to go. So she asks for a hug. It’s just a hug, people give hugs all the time, one hug wouldn’t hurt.

And then she cranks up the sexual crap, literally hanging on me with her full body weight. I don’t want to do anything to her that counts as “assault” to try to get her off me, so I’m doing my best to assertively push her away without crossing any boundaries.

The various things I said during this attempt by her to get me to allow her to perform sexual favors include, “no” (and various iterations of the term), “why?”, “why me?”*, “I am not a sexual person” and some other stuff that, considering the circumstances was, in my view, decent enough to get my point across that I was NOT CONSENTING while still being respectful towards her. At one point I straight up said, “this is so desperate.”

Well, long story short I wind up underneath her on the bed but I assert myself away after a moment and depart before anything too serious happens, but I thought I did what I could to make it very clear that what had occurred was not something I was comfortable with. Recall that I do NoFap so an orgasm, even if it occurs in this instance and is not brought on through a ‘fap’, is something I really don’t wish to achieve. (to do hard mode of NoFap you need to stick to no PMO [pornography, masturbating, orgasm]).

Technically, I guess it would be considered ‘sexual assault,’ but I don’t want to denigrate the people who have really suffered from it so I use the phrase cautiously. At this point I’m not traumatized, I was more like “oh lord, how desperate are you” and I laugh it off, hahahaha, that was nuts, hahahaha, whatever it’s over and I’m in the clear.

Another tangent: I’m not opposed to sex and sexuality, per se, but for me when I do things, there generally has to be a reason. So with sex, it has to be deeper than the casual BS (and that includes grinding, lap dances, ‘erotic touching’) that permeates (and I guess has always permeated) the college environment. I am different and think differently than others, as I told her, as you will see soon within the next few paragraphs.

Back to the story.

Oh how foolish of me to think it was over. Nine something in the morning, she calls me on the phone. I let it ring through because I’m trying to sleep.

Since I got to sleep late, I woke up around two in the afternoon. Around three, guess who knocks on the door. It’s not the pizza guy.

She starts off with an “I’m sorry” and I try to play it off, “it’s cool it’s cool.” I invite her in, senses seem to have returned, it was probably just a one-off thing (recall I haven’t known her very long to know that it could be otherwise) and we sit and talk and I reiterate my viewpoints and that I have boundaries and limits and I stick to those boundaries and limits and so on and so forth. And then the discussion gets circular and I literally reiterate what I said about boundaries and viewpoints 6-10 times (I lost count) over the next many hours. She didn’t get it. Same old attempts at sexual stuff commence. I say stop. She gets close again. I say stop. I am super easy going and laid back so I will fully admit that I put up with it for a looooooooooooong time, because I assumed that someone who is intelligent enough to be in this college would be intelligent enough to understand the blatantly obvious hints I am giving that I am not interested. Yeah but she doesn’t stop. And I don’t know how to get someone to leave without touching them in this hyper-sensitive world in a manner that could not be (falsely) construed as assault. Placate, placate, placate.

So now I’m getting really really super duper uncomfortable. I’m making it known. I’m making it known that my boundaries have been more than crossed. I’m making it known that I do not consent. I’m making it known that I would really FUCKING appreciate it (without such blue language) if she would respect the things I have said MULTIPLE times. Doesn’t happen.

Eventually, I – Mr. Privately Brooding and Pensive but Publicly Smiling and Happy-Go-Lucky with the unbelievably long fuse – finally have had enough.

I tell her to leave. And I tell her to leave. And I tell her to leave and leave and leave and 10 million times over the next two hours I tell her to leave but she doesn’t leave. She doesn’t get the hint. I am walking away from her. I am not making eye contact. I am not letting her touch me. I do not touch her. I am tempted to pick her computer and cellphone up and throw them out the door to get her to go but that’s a liability and I don’t want to have to pay $1,500.

Eventually my savior roommate comes back and that finally gets her to go.

Hahaha, like it would be that easy! She’s gone for 30 minutes and comes back, knocks on the door and my roommate opens it up and lets her in (come on dude, really). I have literally had enough and I am not a yeller or a screamer but I make it very clear through my strong choice of words that I do not want her around and that she should probably go. I eventually corral her and get her out the door again.

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to “tell on her.” I don’t want to be a snitch and knowing how nutty she is, she could try and swing around and accuse me of god knows what. I don’t know how to feel right now. Mad? Scared? Nervous? A mix of them all? I guess so. Exasperated. Holy hell yes. I literally don’t know HOW to feel because I’ve never been in a situation that has put me in an instance where I need to feel the emotions my mind and body should be trying to feel right now.

I really have to take a piss and I really have to brush my teeth but my dorm room door is locked (something that I’ve had to do for the first time in forever) and I am afraid to leave my dorm at 3 something in the morning because I don’t know where she is. I told my roommate that we are going to have to start locking the door.

FOLKS, THIS IS WHY I DON’T TRUST PEOPLE. THIS IS WHY I DO MY VERY BEST TO BE AS GOOD AND KIND TO FOLKS AS POSSIBLE WHILE KEEPING NEARLY EVERYBODY AT ARM’S LENGTH. THIS IS WHY I PLAN ON MOVING TO SOME EMPTY STATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUNTRY WHERE I CAN LIVE ALL BY MYSELF AND JUST BE ALONE.

Because this. Fucking. Blows.

Folks at Straight Dope, please help me. What do I do. Feel free to eviscerate me and point out the errors of my ways but if you do that also post some constructive advice to help make sure this situation doesn’t spiral out of control any more than it has.

(this was written off the cuff and from someone whose mind is a-whir with sensations and emotions he has never felt before so please don’t mind any spelling errors or grammar mistakes).

2

This sounds like a super frustrating situation. Reading it, I only got your perspective, you didn’t explain her responses. What did she say when you asked her to leave a million times? Did she appear to think you were joking?

I would text her, and say that she made you extremely uncomfortable when she came on to you, and that you asked her multiple times to back off. Tell her it upset you when you asked her to leave and she didn’t. Tell her that you explained multiple times that you’re not sexual and didn’t want that - and you were serious. Tell her that you do not want to hang out anymore, not even as friends. AND SAVE HER RESPONSES. Save all of it. Back it up onto your computer. If she approaches you again, report her for sexual harassment. If she starts drama, report her and provide the evidence of text messages. If she persists, get a restraining order so that if she doesn’t leave you alone there will be serious repercussions.

Don’t be nice.

You must make your well-being a priority. And you are NOT obligated to explain yourself or go out of your way to justify your actions. You do not owe anyone anything - and you’re not required to give anyone a moment of your time that you don’t want to.

3

I agree. The fact is that she’s sexually harassing you, and I would let the RA know what has happened, but not make any charge if she stops. Then tell her to leave you alone, without mentioning the RA yet. (It seems like she has some psychological issues and who knows how she might respond.) Never let her be alone with you, or into your room again. After getting her responses to the texts, put her phone number on block, and tell her that’s what you’re doing. Something similar happened to me once (but not in a dorm, thankfully), and it took some time for the person to understand that her efforts weren’t going to change anything. Above all else, stop “placating.”

4

Thanks both of you for your responses. Her response to my telling her to go was generally the same response to every single time I explained my viewpoints to her. “Why? But why? I don’t understand? But why?” and so the wheel just kept on turning and I just kept responding with the same stuff. At first I asked her kindly to leave but as the minutes upon minutes ticked by I became considerably more adamant.

5

Call campus police and tell them that someone is trespassing in your room. If she’s lurking in the hall when you step out to use the rest room, go knock on your RA’s door and tell him to tell your stalker to get lost.

Follow up in the morning. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. That’s what the RA is for, helping people. Hopefully, she’ll come to her senses once she realizes that other people are starting to notice.

And don’t get bogged down with lengthy discussions about why you draw your boundaries where you do or your sexuality or whatever. That’s all beside the point, which is: you have boundaries, and this chick needs to respect them, or the authorities will have to step in.

You don’t owe her an explanation or a conversation or anything. “I want you to leave, now.” is all there is to say.

6

Someone like that, you have to be more than firm. It really sounds to me like you were wishy-washy with her, while explaining your viewpoints but placating her at the same time.

As a female, I can tell you from my perspective that a man doing the same thing to me would result in me holding the door open and shouting “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW OR I’M CALLING THE POLICE!!” This is to make sure anyone/everyone within shouting distance can hear me and knows something is going on.

That’s being firm, and still being nice. Seriously, that’s how a woman is “nice” to a man who keeps touching her unwelcomed.

You should do the same. I think it was very confusing for her that you weren’t crystal clear and just let the conversation run in circles for hours. At this point, you’re done. You cannot be friends. Do not contact her, and when she contacts you tell her you are done and now blocking her number - and do it. Make sure your roommate knows damn well not to let her in, and if she shows up at your place you either don’t answer, or if you have to open the door, you step through to the hall and close the door behind you. She cannot come in and any conversation will be as public as your hallway. Your RA should know she’s unwelcome and that if he hears you talking in the hall he should come to tell her to leave.

7

Agree with everything that’s been said. Firmly advise her that you want no further contact with her and that if she continues her behaviour you will involve the authorities.

Try not to let it worry you too much though. It sounds to me like you made yourself unobtainable and she sees it as a challenge. If she’s attractive, she probably just isn’t used to having her advances rejected. It doesn’t mean she’s necessarily a psychotic stalker, just immature.

Hopefully, being a bit less nice to her will hammer home the message. Best of luck.

8

Maybe she’s possessed by a demon from Satan.

9

Don’t get a pet rabbit.

10

Your mistake the night before was that you did not leave the room immediately when she first touched you. Well really, you should have left when the conversation got into why you weren’t going to sleep with her.

At this point, you simply must never be alone with her again. She sounds a bit unbalanced - and I wouldn’t put it past her to accuse you of assault. Do talk with the RA and see what suggestions s/he might have, though bear in mind RAs are just older students with perhaps some extra training.

11

Agreed with the above.

You will have an easier time if you are absolutely consistent. You don’t owe her anything simply because she set her signs on you- you don’t even owe her being nice. If she tries to approach you, say “I am not interested in a relationship with you and I am asking you to stay away from me.” Do not mingle with her socially. Do not share any personal space with her. Make sure you draw the same lines, each and every time. Someone in her state is going to interpret any niceness as “having a chance.”

And document everything. Save texts. Write a note when she knocks on your door or approaches you. Explain to your RA and a few trusted friends what is happening, as objectively as you can. The goal is to have a record of the story, should you need it.

12

She’s not femail.

13

You spent 5 hours in a girl’s dorm room in the middle of the night and she somehow got the mistaken impression that you were interested in sex?

Who da thunk it?

Yes, this girl probably has a problem, but you need to work on your own issues too. That situation should have been obvious to even the most naive of college students.

Just because you chose a non-sexual lifestyle doesn’t mean you should ignore the fact that you are living in a very hormone charged environment with people who are very very interested in sex.

You did a very poor job of establishing your boundaries by putting yourself in very private situations with this girl.

14

Dear Penthouse forum…

15

Thanks for the replies everyone. Yeah I let it go way too far and my attempts at trying to be non offensive didn’t help. It’s just so hard to believe it could get this far after 3 days.

It’s kind of hard too because she is a nice person. Just obsessive. I guess that niceness is more a part of her manipulation repertoire than anything.

16

Hey, wait a minute… this isn’t a real thread at all, it’s just a cardboard facade! :mad:

17

I think you need to be more direct. When she hears “I’m just not interested in sex generally,” she thinks that maybe you want to, but just don’t know how, or are maybe really shy, or whatever. You need to say, “I don’t want to be physically intimate with you because I am not interested in you that way.” When you try to explain your lack of interest as some kind of larger, philosophical choice, she doesn’t get that that applies to her.

18

I agree you have to be direct. Or lie. I had very strong feelings for a guy in college. The way I felt was that he must have been too shy to receive my advances. He seemed like a great guy but so shy he couldn’t get a girlfriend, so I was trying to help. I didn’t realize he didn’t want a girlfriend.

Luckily he was more direct and I moved on. Always one for the underdog I am.

You could try telling her you have a girlfriend back home that you plan on marrying after graduation. It may work…

19

The time for trying to reason with her or be nice is over. NO MEANS NO. It doesn’t just mean no for women. Men have a right to not be sexually assaulted as well.
You don’t need to justify or explain why the answer is no, just as a woman doesn’t have to engage in a long discussion with a man who has tried to rape her about why she doesn’t want him. Don’t even waste your time trying to explain it because just having contact with you is reinforcing her obsession.

You need to start a paper trail with the university to document that she is harassing you and has made unwelcome sexual advances. That will help if she does try to accuse you of raping her or anything of that sort. Make sure your roommate understands she is not welcome in the room and do NOT let yourself end up alone with her ever again.

If she does manage to corner you or try to engage you, DO NOT let it turn into a long discussion. All you need to do is keep repeating “NO” like a broken record and remove yourself from the situation. Some people just cannot be reasoned with. Don’t even try.

20

First, you need to not put yourself in these types of situations. Do not go to a woman’s room late at night unless you are at least considering physical affection. If you have no intention, then don’t even agree. She’s not asking for you to come over and talk, she’s asking for you to come over and begin a complicated form of foreplay. The same goes for if a woman asks you to go on a walk or hang out. Unless it’s clearly a platonic situation, don’t get involved if you don’t want to go down that path. The sooner you let her know you’re not interested the sooner she’ll be able to find someone who is.

Talking all night created an emotional connection in her the same way that physical affection or kissing might. You need to remember that.

I think a lot of her actions now are because she’s trying to figure out what changed between when you went to her room and then when you didn’t want to have sex. In her mind, going to her room was you saying “I might be interested”. So then when you said no, she’s wondering what changed. In your mind nothing changed because you didn’t go over for sex in the first place, but the signals are confusing.

One other thing is that if you let women know you’re doing NoFap, they may take that as a challenge. If she can get you to have sex with her, then she must have great sexual powers for her to be the one you choose.

It’s unfortunate you’re in this situation now and it’s going to be uncomfortable for a while until it’s straightened out. But going forward, you will make your life much easier if you clearly avoid these situations with other women a simple “I have other plans. Thanks anyway”. It may take a few times, but eventually they will get the hint.