I always thought that we were a close and loving family, my husband, my daughter, son and myself. But in the past five years, it is evident that as much as I love them, that love is simply not reciprocated. When he met his wife to be, my son moved into his future in-laws home and never looked back. Yes, he pretended to continue his relationship with us, but his affections are empty and hers are forced and lately outright nonexistent. Before they were married, we had planned a family vacation to Hawaii. We always took family vacations together, but he decided that he would not go with us this time–her family was going in a few years and he would go with them! Ever since, they have taken our place for Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer BBQ’s, and now that there is a grandchild, with her, too. I have tried to discuss how hurtful all of this is with my son, but he just tells me that he loves me and that after all his wife comes first. I don’t expect him not to put his wife first, but it doesn’t seem that we come anywhere. There are many more things too numerous to mention right now, but the list goes on, believe me. I wish the pain would just end, almost to the point that I wish I could move to another state and start a new life, but I know that the pain would still be there. How do I get through to him. How do you make someone care about you if they really don’t anymore?
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Welcome to the SDMB, brklynbet
The About This Message Board forum is for questions about the board itself, like posting problems or questions about how the board itself works.
Since this is seeking advice and opinions, it belongs in our In My Humble Opinion forum. I will move it there for you.
Moving thread from About This Message Board to In My Humble Opinion.
There’s nothing you can do. Sorry to sound so harsh, but it is true.
Guilty and shaming are not conducive for love. When my mother does this to me, it pushes me away. I hate being shamed for my feelings or lack thereof.
It could be that as much as your son loves ya’ll, he feels like an oddball in your midst. Maybe he doesn’t get your sense of humor (or ya’ll his). Maybe ya’ll have quirks that bug the shit out of him. Maybe ya’ll just don’t have that much in common with him and he feels more kinship with his wife and her family. None if this is morally or socially wrong. It just is what it is.
I say let him be. If the love is there, he won’t forget about you. If he does forget about you, then your relationship just wasn’t meant to be. But I wouldn’t force anything. He’s entitled to his boundaries, and so are you.
“A son is a son till he gets him a wife
A daughter’s a daughter for all of her life”
That’s just the way it is.
Love isn’t about passing tests. Don’t put your son in a position where he has to do something like go on a trip or visit you on a certain holiday in order to prove he loves you. Don’t use guilt or threats like “If you don’t visit me this week, I’ll take it as a sign you don’t love me.”
Love also isn’t a competition. He either loves you or he doesn’t. Don’t worry about worry about whether he also loves his wife or his wife’s family. Don’t worry if you love him more than he loves you. Stop trying to keep score.
“You can’t push a rope!” Sad, but true, I’m afraid.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so hurt by your sons actions. But there’s not much you can really do about it, come down to it. You cannot make people be in relationship with you. You cannot make people express their love in the ways you value.
What you can do is find room in your life for people who do value you. Find a way to express your love, to people who need love. In every community there are many, many ways to do so. Just look around your neighbourhood and see what you can do.
Use the time you’re currently using ruminating on these events and feeling jealous of his in laws, to express love to someone new, maybe! If you try this, I really think you’ll find that you will gain an entirely new perspective on your sons behaviour. Not your opinion of it, but it’s ability to cause you suffering.
Again, I’m sorry you’re hurting and feeling ill used. Google Luck!
There you have it.
Keep making the invitations to both he and his wife and your grandchild. It’s their decision to respond or not. Don’t let your own love for your son and his family, change because of his responses.
So get up and move. I mean, why are you making your son responsible for your happiness? The second my dad says “Why don’t you call more?” I don’t want to call anymore. I didn’t ask to be born, and I am not responsible for my dad’s happiness. I’ll do my best, but I have my own life. I know my family loves me, but they are just not very much fun to be around - always fighting and always shouting and criticizing each other. Whereas my SO’s family is always happy to see me. I’m not saying that’s the case with you, but clearly there is something over there that attracts them!
OP, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest maybe you ease up on the drama. That might have something to do with it.
Your son could literally stop talking to you entirely if you push and nag. It may seem unfair that he does not seem to value his family as much as he is valued by them and as much as he values his wife’s family, but no one is entitled to dictate all of the terms of any relationship.
You started your post with the claim that your family does not reciprocate your love, but then complained only about your son’s actions. What about your husband and daughter?
If you want your son to be interested in maintaining a relationship with you try calling him and asking him about his life while listening in a non-judgmental way. Send him a package with something you picked up that reminded you of him (doesn’t have to cost money, just a sea shell you found on the beach he used to go to as a kid or an article in the newspaper about that thing you know he is interested in, etc.) If you have a little money to burn you could send a gift card to a restaurant you know they like and $50 with a note saying that you wanted to give them a night out so you’re buying them dinner and a sitter for the evening. Don’t nag, don’t whine, don’t make judgmental comments about choices he is making in his life, just make an effort to make sure interactions with you are fun, positive experiences for your son and eventually you might pick up the phone and hear his voice on the other end of the line!
If you are reading this and saying, “Yeah, but a relationship is a two way street, he needs to put some effort into this too!” understand that you’re wrong. He apparently has decided he is done with this and is happy to let his relationship with you fade into the background. He is done putting in effort. You can, with an open heart and much effort on your part, show him that a relationship with you can be pleasant and enriching, but there are no guarantees and he might still think it isn’t worth his time to call his mom. That sucks, but you can at least know you made the effort to stay close to your son. And know that if he had a traumatic experience growing up (if he was abused, neglected, etc.) or there is a huge difference in opinion on a major issue (like if he thinks you are extremely racist or something else he doesn’t want his kid exposed to) there might be no amount of effort you could put in to fix your relationship.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.
Richard Bach
Who new Stephen King could be so insightful?
never mind
If you would like to strengthen your relationship with your son, there are some concrete steps you can take.
[ul]
[li]Accept that you cannot demand reciprocity. Don’t speak to your son and his family about what is “fair.” You will be happier if you do not even think in terms of fairness.[/li][li]Like your daughter-in-law. If you don’t like her, fake it till you make it. You both love your son; you have that in common. Find something to like about her and find ways of communicating to her that you like her. At the end of every phone call with your son, ask him to pass the phone to his wife for a minute so you can say hi and ask how she is doing.[/li][li]Ask what your son and daughter-in-law like to do and find ways to spend time with them doing it. If they cannot come to you, go to them. (Clear it with them first!)[/li][li]When they do spend time with you, make it pleasant for them. Don’t reproach them for not visiting more frequently. Don’t compare how they treat her family versus how they treat yours.[/li][li]If you would like a vacation to happen, you will need to get their buy-in early and you will likely have to finance the effort. Asking someone to use their and their spouse’s (generally limited) vacation time is a big deal. Asking them to travel with child or children and spend money to get there makes the hurdle higher, especially for young families.[/li][/ul]
But it’s not fair.
I know. You can tell us. Don’t tell them.
Your best defense is not caring.
From over here, it simply sounds like your son has grown up and started a life of his own. You just want it all to end? Move away so you want have to deal with it? They have a new baby and you still expect him to go on joint vacations with you? That all sounds very drama-filled from your end and way too clingy. If you want him in your life, I’d suggest being the person he’d be interested in seeking out. Find other things to be involved in besides him, stop obsessing and let him take care of what’s going on his end. I’m sure his plate is pretty full right now to also have to deal with mom acting like the world is ending.
Finally, what about your husband? And your daughter? Everything seemed to revolve around your son and how wronged you are, but what have they done to you? You said you “love them,” but it’s not reciprocated. Then you go on to only talk about your son. Makes them sound like chopped liver and like your relationship (or lack thereof) is all that matters.
Sorry to be harsh, but me thinks the common denominator in all your problems just might be you and your skewed perceptions / expectations.
Have you tried booze?