This is inspired by this thread in which Soapbox Monkey asks how to approach a girl. What would you like to hear from someone who was interested in you? What should a stranger or near-stranger say that would attract your interest and let you know he or she’s interested in you? I realize we may get yet more cheezy pick up lines, but there are a lot of us who have no idea how to approach someone we’re interested in.
I’ve already contributed “Hello.” and “Nice/lousy weather we’re having,” the classic cliches or old standbys. I’m sure more socially ept Dopers can do better.
It’s been my experience that it’s not so much what a person says (as long as it’s not offensive or entirely stupid) but more what they look like and how they carry themselves. If the first words out of their mouth are a complaint or some kind of whine, that’s points off immediately as well.
I’m a 42 year old single guy with a relatively good dating record of late so I can’t complain much. On the other hand, it’s not often that women make the first move. They may make eye contact or hold your gaze a little longer to show their interest, but they always expect you to make the first move to start a conversation. That tends to be a bit less true on-line but not significantly. A woman will wink or write a quick line or two and expect you to pick up the conversation PDQ.
The last time I spoke to a complete stranger was a stunningly attractive woman at the gym last week. I ‘happened to have’ run next to her on the treadmill. I complimented her on her running style/stride during the cool down, asked her if she was training for a race and how many miles she ran each week. Introduced myself and got her name and wrapped it up with a wish for a good day. Next time I see her, I’ll greet her by name and ask if she’s running again today or something equally non-threatening. If she gives leading answers that are conducive to further conversation then I’ll know she’s interested. If her answers are the type that tend to end a conversation (you know what that’s like), I’ll just politely wish her a good workout and not bother engaging her in a chat except to maybe wave a polite hello when we see eachother again.
Another 42 year old male with a good dating record. Actually, I don’t have a lot to add to what Quicksilver said. Just say, “how’s it going” and smile. If they nod and turn away, you’ve been passed over. If they smile back and look at you, start a conversation about anything. They’ll keep it going if they’re interested. Find something, anything, in common during the conversation and use that.
You like sushi? I know some great places. Here’s my business card. Write me an email and I’ll give you a list.
You have a dog? Where do you take him for walks? Where is that? Shoot, I’ll never remember. Here’s my business card…
31 year old male. Married, so my dating records really isn’t that great. It tended to run hot and cold but I made quite a few mistakes along the way which I learned from.
Lines themselves aren’t important, as long as it isn’t super creepy or stunningly inappropriate. I wouldn’t use a line, but rather just engage in conversation about something relevant to where you are. You should introduce yourself as well.
In a classroom setting. Ask if they did the homework and if they got number 4. Introduce yourself. Something I’ve learned over the years, is that it is best not to be too negative. Don’t start out bad mouthing the professor or the subject, etc. Rather find something positive to say. If there is nothing positive about the subject, find something else.
It depends on what setting you’re in, as to what you can say. The only rule I follow is to be playful and have fun. In a bar or club, if I can’t think of anything to say, I’ll just say exactly what’s on my mind. After appropriate eye contact:
Me: “I was thinking we should have a conversation.”
Her: “Okay…”
Me: “About you. Tell me about you. What do you do when not talking to strange men?”
With a goofy smile, it’s completely dumb and completely effective. Girls just start giggling. Keep your mouth shut with a smile and those eyes working while she laughs and goes “Uhm, well, I [yadda yadda].” Listen, nod, then say something like that’s amazing because you were certain she was a beekeeper, she had world champion fuckin’ beekeeper written all over her. Something funny, doesn’t matter. Now ask her another question. Lo, conversation. If you get stuck you can always just be gazing into her eyes and pretend that you’re so stunned by her that you’re speechless.
Or go take a leak.
Do not: quote movies, stare at boobs, check out the hottie that just walked by, touch her before she touches you, or ever lose sight of the fact that you can take this or leave it.
What Quicksilver said. Just don’t come on too strong or too needy (following someone around like a puppy). You don’t want to be labeled stalker or that “crazy bastard” by her girlfriends. Also, learn to take a hint. It she is not making eye contact and answering with one syllable words, she is not interested. Move on and don’t take it personally. Find your fabulous self a girl who will love you for who you are!
THAT one would probably work on me! Interested, self depreciating, unassuming, and hopeful, all at once. I’d probably even call, just to be able to say on his voice mail, “you probably don’t remember me, but we spoke last night. The temperature of Hell is reportedly 15 degrees this morning, so we’re getting closer! So, coffee at 5 today, my treat?”
33 this year, female.
Barring that, the bar scene in the movie “Hitch” would work too. Not word for word, mind you. If you quote it, they will run away screaming, wondering WHY you cannot be original. BUT, find a conversational that expresses an interest in seeing them again, and doesn’t give off a vibe that you’re simply looking for someone to share the sack with tonight, and the girls looking for long term relationships will remember it.
Here’s a good pick-up line we came up with in the Air Force:
You: “How many stripes do you have on you?”
Apple of Eye: “Er…what?”
You: “Want [number of stripes on your uniform] more?”
Can’t say I remember the really badass lines he dropped, but something Hitch did there that I’ve used to my advantage more than once is the “involuntary-wingman” technique. If another guy is trying to impress someone and obviously bombing out, make him your wingman. Let most of his awkward lines hang in the air while you sit there with a smile, nonjudgmental but empathetic for the girl’s present plight. Every once in a while, follow up one of his lines with something related; whatever you say will look good by comparison. Eventually your new wingman will overdose on awkward silence and leave–but by the time that happens you’ll have had lots of time to get comfortable, and once you’re alone with the girl you can just have a nice conversation. If the conversation flows smoothly, you’re in.
This is a situation you kind of tend to fall into randomly. It’s only happened twice for me, the first time a little more than a year ago and the second time about three days ago. Did pretty well for myself both times, if you know what I’m sayin’. Anyway, you can’t really go looking for that, but when it comes, be ready for it.
The other thing I liked about Hitch’s plan there was that he saved the girl from an annoying hitter-on. By pretending to be her SO, he executed a foolproof plan to get alone time with the girl. She was relieved to get rescued from the other guy, so Hitch started off at an advantage. I’ve always wanted to try this move, but I haven’t found a place and time to use it yet. It’s on my back burner.
I do have a good story that I just recalled. It wasn’t me but it was a good friend of mine. He’s from out of town but he was here on business and stayed the weekend so we could hang out. He was at his hotel bar kind of late on a Saturday night and saw two couples with a single woman. The single woman went to the bathroom and he sat down on the bar stool next to her seat.
He made light conversation with the two couples until she came back. When she sat down he told her, “Hi. My name is Steve. Your friends over there hired me and I’ll be your escort tonight.” Her friends immediately played along with the joke and soon they were all cracking up. She spent the night with him.
This is the best advice in the thread. There is a subtle difference between being an asshole and being confident enough to not care either way. There is no reason to be an asshole but desperation is worse.
