I’m a personal assistant to an upper-level finance schmooty-schmoo. For various reasons, a bit having to do with me, the two of them have been having serious marriage problems. Recently, the wife has been going particularly psycho, and a messy divorce looks imminent. Regardless, they have a reputation and are key players in “society” functions, so they’re still going to benefits and such as “happy family”. They have two young children. My boss is a devoted parent and takes a lot of time off from work to spend time with them.
Anyway, my boss is miserable through all of this. I work pretty closely with him and he’s completely dejected, all the time, has no energy, has no motivation, I have to drag him to meetings and such. He’s frank with me and tells me details about what’s going on with his wife, therapy sessions, what he’s worried about, how things are progressing.
The thing is, I don’t know how to react to this information. I’m very young (24). My parents are happily married, and so are the parents of my close friends. I’ve never had an experience like this. I often don’t know what to say. I’ve made it clear that he shouldn’t worry about my doing my job, I listen attentively when he feels like talking and I tell him I’ll listen anytime wants to talk, I come in every morning with a smile on my face, and I reiterate that I’m here if he needs my support.
That being said, what else can I do? Can I do anything else? How do you support someone through such a horrible situation? With a woman I might know better but with men it’s hard. I’m not good with men and emotions.
We briefly screwed around a little a while ago and she caught on. The wife said, “she goes” and he said, “she stays”. We’re past the screwing around at this point.
I don’t see what that has to do with how to be supportive in this circumstance? I feel pretty guilty, anyway, and I want to do what I can.
How can you be supportive without falling back into that ‘screwing around’ role? Quite frankly, to be supportive, you might have to quit or change departments. Barring that, being professional and not letting him use you as a confessor is a good move. This situation is bad for your career and his marriage, as far as I can tell.
I’m with dangermom. We can certainly give suggestions on how one can support a generic person through divorce, but I’m not sure that you being there as a supportive listener is doing either of you much good.
Do you really need people to tell you not to screw around in the place where you go to earn money? At least not unless that is how you earn money; then it is OK. Now that you have done it, you could show some class by resigning and getting yourself out of the picture. You’d have to have class, though. Just sayin’.
He needs to find another job for you. If this is a big company, him going to HR and explaining the situation will get you into a different job. I wouldn’t resign, he’s the person in authority and he should’ve know better. Even if this was COMPLETELY consentual and he wasn’t married, you don’t screw around with subordinates.
(He couldn’t have fired you, that would have been sexual harrassment - his wife was being unreasonable. The situation she should have asked for that she could control was “you quit or I go.”)
By the way, I’d look for a different job anyway. With a messy divorce this is going to be discovered at work (if it isn’t already) and a guy who sleeps with his assistant is a liability to the company (to the tune of a few million dollars). When he goes, you’ll be next on the liability list - they’ll let you sit there with no career path for a few years before finding an excuse to lay you off - or better off, reassign you to someone who is unreasonable and will make you quit.
Psycho how? Is she demanding that you stop sleeping with her husband?
It would behoove you to quit that job as soon as possible. I’m sure a talented admin assistant like you would easily be able to find another position very quickly.
The best way for you to help this man is to no longer be part of his life. He’s got no business telling you the dirty details of his therapy sessions or confiding to you how bad his marriage is. You’ve got no business hearing it. You are the “other woman” in his marriage and that means that you can never be just a friend to him – particularly in the eyes of his wife. Tell him that you wish him all the best but can never have contact with him again. Then go find another job.
Well I first saw this in the pit and although I don’t have an opinion on that thread I will just say as you started your relationship with this individual in a negative way (he was married ) , it seems the chances of it becoming a real relationship seems kind of slim to me. Only you know if you are in love but I’m thinking if he was in love with you he would have had the decency and respect for his wife to leave her before becoming involved with you. I’m kind of known as a nut around here so you might want to take that with a grain of salt though.