If you must, make it your problem. Tell him you’ve lost your mojo. If he wants you to get it back, he’ll make an effort. If he won’t help you out in the orgasm department and won’t let you help yourself, then he’s a selfish jerk. (For the most part, though, your complaint is pretty common. I believe it’s a relatively new phenomenon, women asking for what they want in bed)
Hey, being pretty’s got nothing to do with it.
You’re unhappy, you don’t want to carry resentment around, and he’s unwilling to listen or change. One of those things will have to give.
As others have said, this isn’t just about sex, it’s about his entire approach to conflict over anything. Changing your own sexual behavior won’t change a thing, because that’s not the problem. The problem is him clapping his hands over his ears and yelling “La la la la! I can’t hear you!” over anything that might mean change or compromise on his part.
It would be a dealbreaker for me.
No. Not when dealing with someone who gets defensive and takes any criticism as a personal attack, anyways. Anything that says you want more will immediately be taken to mean that you’re not happy with what you’re getting (and let’s face it, you’re not).
You can, however, drop broad hints about what you’d like. Hell, next time you’re going down on him, rotate 180 degrees and sit on his face until he gets it. You’ve got nothing to lose except for a boring sex life.
1 There’s no such thing as a stupid sex issue. Even if you want peanut butter rubbed on your toes and he’s not interested, it’s still a big deal and needs to be resolved.
2 This isn’t a good relationship, you are tolerating him.
3 At his age he’s certainly less open to change than you are.
4 If he’s like this now, what does the future hold?
Most people get a little lazy after they’ve been with someone awhile. I personally wouldn’t have a little talk with him about it, I’d just lead him in that direction during sex. With luck he’ll be like, “oh, yeah, I forgot how awesome that was” and he’ll be more attentive with the oral in the future. If not, maybe you’ll just have to lead the way sometimes and other times enjoy whatever it is he does want to do. It’s all about compromise. In my own marriage I like some stuff way more than my husband does. He’s very vanilla. But he throws me a bone sometimes and it’s great. And very often I let him know I want to do that stuff through subtle physical clues while we’re in bed.
Re: vibrators - At one time my husband felt it meant he wasn’t doing the job. Now he knows it’s just another tool. Maybe you can somehow get him thinking that way by pretending to talk about your friend’s relationship or something.
Or, maybe he’s not that interested anymore.
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Tell him point blank, “I love you but our sex life is not what it used to be. I am not having orgasms anymore. This needs to change. If you choose to ignore what I am telling you or become defensive I cannot continue to be in this relationship.”
A future without orgasms is a bleak one indeed and if you can’t say this to him and have him understand that he must start putting in more effort to make you happy he isn’t worth keeping around. You can either put all your cards on the table now or spend the next 6 months trying to train him to make you cum again, and though neither option guarentees your relationship will be repaired afterward at least with the up front discussion you aren’t wasting any more time with someone if it isn’t going anywhere.
With him. Honestly at that age my sex drive started to plummet.
pbbth wins the Internet.
Lots of good advice here. I tend to agree with the idea that what you’re experiencing is as much a communication problem as a sex problem.
If I can try my hand though…
No. You can try to parse your words carefully and couch your discussion in terms of your needs, but you cannot control what he hears.
Maybe there are some assumptions happening on both sides of the issue. He might not feel insecure at all. He may simply feel that no one should have to tell him how to get freekay. I like using a vibrator in bed — or on the couch or in the living room or on the ironing board — because it takes some of the guess work and some of the just plain work out of sex. Sex is about having fun together too. They’re called sex toys for a reason.
Despite what I said at the outset, have you thought about approaching him this way? Meaning that he needs to find a way to maintain a good thing rather than to just do what you want him to do? I’m saying you should be manipulative, just tell him what you told us. If he gets defensive, you’re not talking about him, you’re talking about you.
Again, you don’t make him insecure. He does that. Being together doesn’t do it. You have to do some work. I can tell you want to, but as long as he can stop you by simply becoming defensive, the same problems will creep up again and again.
Other posters have probably said the same thing more succinctly, but sometimes it helps me to get a handle on my own issues to talk to someone else about theirs.
Consider that as the relationship goes on, you need to be able to discuss issues that come up, and not just ones from the bedroom. Adults need to be able to handle constructive criticism and talk things out and reach some sort of agreement. If not, you end up suggesting that maybe you could not have pork chops for dinner so often and he blows up with, “You hate my cooking. Right, everything is my fault. You never appreciate anything I do!”
(I may be projecting a bit)
Don’t forget to point out to him how much you enjoyed your sex life earlier. It’s proof that he is easily capable of taking things back to that level.
I missed the edit window before I noticed that I had written: I’m saying you should be manipulative.
That should read I’m NOT saying…
This sounds a little like Ye Olde “He’ll change for me,” or better yet, “I can change him” bit. It’s well known for being untrue.
I’ve heard it said that the things you like about a person get better with time, and the things you don’t get worse. After almost 18 years of marriage, I’m willing to believe that. (Fortunately Mr. S has very few of the latter.)
I win the whole internet? Wow, I wonder what I will do with all of that porn…
I’d love to be able to have a discussion about our complete lack of a sex life, but I cannot, as she is chronically ill and so how can I blame her for not wanting sex? 
If you don’t know, sweetie, then I’d be more than happy to show you.
Whole different thread there, friend.
I’m not sure this helps, but you can’t really blame yourself for still wanting sex, can you? Her illness is not yours.
Despite what some would have you believe, many men are turned off by cunnilingus and do not worship the vagina! Perhaps you could ask him to go down on you right after a long shower, or after you’ve sprinkled artificial sweetener down there. Or maybe it isn’t about the vagina at all and he’s just plain lazy or selfish.
You could try not bringing up the topic as an issue, but simply asking for what you want in the moment. As soon as you get naked, say in a sexy way that you really want him to go down on you. In a way that says “I really desire your tongue in my vagina because when you do that it really turns me on” rather than in a way that implies “please do this because lately you’ve been really crappy in bed and I need to fix you”.