How to talk about sex with someone so defensive?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, I’m going out with this guy for a couple years, him being a few years my senior. Well, about ~15 yr age difference. I’m 25, he’s 40. He’s a good guy, and I know he cares about me, but he’s notoriously bad at anything resembling criticism. He’ll get very defensive and insist that he’s done “nothing wrong”. This is a repetitive conversation any time I want to talk about anything more I may need out of the relationship. His stance becomes very defensive and he spends more time justifying and explaining why he does what he does as opposed to saying, hey, if it matters to you, I’ll try to do X differently.

Therefore, I tend to pick my battles and sidestep confrontation. I try to positively reinforce behavior that I desire as opposed to nagging or “let’s sit down and talk about this”. This works well for the most part.

However, we need to have a discussion about our sex life. I’m sure he’s enjoying himself but I’m not. He was a lot more adventurous and aggressive in the earlier stages of our relationship but things have slowed down quite a bit. Now he’s very lethargic and hardly aggressive. He never seems to expend a lot of energy on me, hardly ever gives me head- in short, he seems to be getting lazy. I am as attractive as normal, and he gets hard upon the drop of a dime, so it’s nothing like that. In fact, he wants to have sex a lot more often than I do, so I doubt it’s an attraction issue on his part.

I tried talking to him about this before, simply, “I wish you’d go down on me more often”. His response was an uncomfortable and defensive, “I thought I did go down on you!” without looking me in the eyes, and then a reaction to the extent of “oral sex should be something that happens naturally, not out of a sense of obligation” and now I’ve made him insecure and me insecure about it and I’ll always wonder if he’s doing it naturally or if he’s only doing it obligatorily and our sex life is now going to be worse from overthought and maybe this wasn’t a good conversation to have.

Anyway, that was a little while ago, and things haven’t really improved. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to bring this up again since the first time went so badly. But I also don’t want to carry resentment around- it’s only making things worse, since now when sex starts up, I think, “what’s the point of this, I’m not going to have any fun anyway” which I know is unfair to him, and defeatist and counterproductive, but he rarely proves me wrong. Even when I start things up, he seems to put no energy into it. I come out of our sessions feeling vaguely cheated, esp. because I am very enthusiastic about giving him head and getting into things, etc.

I don’t want to end a good relationship on some stupid sex issue, and I know he certainly doesn’t, either, but I don’t know what else to do. How to talk to someone so reticent to discuss these sorts of things?

2

I’m sorry. I’ll try to do a better job next time.

3

It really sounds like this “stupid sex issue” is just the symptom of a pretty big underlying problem. Even if you can resolve this particular problem, what’s going to happen the next time you need something he’s not providing?

4

He’s 40: you’re 25 . That speaks volumes. I’m 45 and can sympathize.

5

If you look a bit online you may find some advice that’s very Cosmo-ish. You know, guide his hands in bed (showing instead of telling), encouraging him when he does even the littlest thing that turns you on, always being careful not to bruise his ego.

But you might just need to have a brawl about this one. It will feel awkward, because really, you don’t want to tell him to go down on you, right? You want him to want to go down on you. But it may be unavoidable. Sex shouldn’t be a chore, and sometimes I think for every guy complaining that he can’t ‘get any’ after marriage is a wife who’s given up.

I assume you’re not cumming, so ask yourself – Would he be willing to have sex so often if he wasn’t guaranteed an orgasm? And finally, practically, sounding like a weathered sex columnist– Do you use a vibrator during sex? Would he be offended if you did?

6

Erm…you aren’t getting what you need from this relationship (and not just in bed, if I’m reading correctly) and he isn’t willing to even discuss it, much less try? Why are you still with him? You can’t make someone change.* Maybe there is a magic combination of words that would make him react less defensively, but I wouldn’t bet on it. The relationship as it is now is probably how it’s always going to be. Can you live with that? And I don’t mean to be judgmental, but why would you do that to yourself?

*It also generally doesn’t work for someone to change for someone else rather than for themselves. And one could argue, why should he? This is who he is. You both deserve to be in relationships that are fulfilling and allow you to be who you are.

(In my humble, inexperienced opinion.)

7

Someone once told me that you should be able to talk about sex with your partner in frank terms without either of you getting defensive or embarassed… and that’s not possible, then you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with them.

…of course, he’s the one who should be getting that particular piece of advice, not you. I’d suggest starting with that.

8

Just to be clear, you didn’t say this to him during sex, right? Good.

Bring it up again, repeat as necessary. Reassure him of his awesome manhood often, but make it very clear that you’re unsatisfied. Frame it in a way that you know he doesn’t want to talk about it, but it needs to be talked about.

Or just freeze him out until he gets a clue.

9

The next time sex is initiated how about suggesting a wild night of mutual head instead? You’ve got to give as well as you get in this arena (not accusing, just saying is all) and I don’t know any guy who would turn that down. Variety is the spice of life and whatnot.

10

It doesn’t sound like a good relationship to me, and it wouldn’t be ending on “some stupid sex issue”: it would be ending because he can’t handle even the slightest suggestion that strikes him as cricitism, even when it’s something that matters a lot to you, and because he’s selfish in bed. Those are certainly valid things to end a relationship over.

I had to have a similar talk with my SO last fall. Luckily he’s not the defensive type, but it did take a few casual mentions and then finally an “I’m so unhappy” talk with me crying in his living room for us to get to the root of things. But we did get to the root of them, and have in fact solved the problem, which makes me unspeakably happy because it would have just killed me to have to break up with him if he hadn’t been able/willing to listen or communicate or make any effort. But I would have done it.

11

I don’t think this is just a sex issue; it’s a communication issue. If he’s like this with other topics, I think you have a different and perhaps deeper problem. I don’t know if this guy, no matter how great he is, would be a great one to be in a relationship with. Heck, I’ve ended plain old friendships over the inability to accept criticism.

Or, on preview, what Misnomer said.

12

Well, while there may very well be bigger communication issues here, this makes me think it’d be an easy enough thing to train him out of. Just stop giving him head any time he doesn’t give you any and I bet he’ll suddenly find some new enthusiasm for it. :stuck_out_tongue:

13

Maybe he’s not in to you anymore. Wanting to stick it in is not the same thing as making love.

14

I’m not saying that this is going to end our relationship, I enjoy being with him very much… but is there really any way to ask for something else in bed without him hearing, “you’re not satisfying me?”

Probably he would not be in favor of using a vibrator in bed because it would be like me saying that he’s not enough for me. Which right now, he isn’t, but he was before!

No, I have not brought anything up WHILE involved in the act, and not immediately afterwards.

No, I can’t imagine going the rest of my life without someone who wants to go down on me. Since I am relatively attractive, I honestly never thought this would be a possibility.

In terms of communication issue, I just figured that once we had been together for a little while, he’d feel more secure and be a little more open about discussing these sorts of things. I don’t want to make him MORE insecure.

15

:frowning: I don’t really see other signs of him checking out of the relationship… but I guess it’s possible he’s bored with me sexually.

16

Sympathize with whom?

Just chiming in to second what ultrafilter said. It’s dead on.

17

The measure of a relationship is not how you treat each other when things are great. It’s how you treat each other in the face of challenge.

18

You said you liked it before when he was more aggressive. Since he isn’t as much, you might try being more aggressive. Push him down and make overly appreciative noises. I can fully understand why the knee jerk reaction to talking about this makes him defensive or feel nagged. Going down on my girlfriend tuns me on only because it turns her on.

19

Do that.

Or maybe tease him a bit. Let him get close but not too close. Do a few unexpected things. Mix it up a bit.

Maybe he’s just in a rut.

20

I doubt it, if he’s more interested than you. As for aggression, if you say no, sometimes a man will decide not to initiate until he’s sure you’re interested. Maybe I’m not getting what aggressive means.

As for the other thing, is there any chance he’s turned off and doesn’t want to say anything? Is he never doing it or just not doing it well? Is there any chance that you can device some sort of game or role play in which you get yours before he gets his?