delphica, in a sense, it is “my” trip since hubby and I are the ones who do the research & planning, make the reservation, buy the food (which we are reimbursed for), etc. And Brother was “invited” in the sense that we send the pending info to our group of friends and the people who can make it get first come, first serve availability. It was after the initial round of discussion that the other people said something to me.
I did NOT know he had his gun with him. It made me (and damned near everyone else) extremely uncomfortable to know he had it with him.
j666There’s no way we’re skipping the trip this year. We moved it to later in the year to accomodate and dear friend who’s in the Air Force. He and his wife will be home for leave a litte later than we normally do our trip, so we bumped it. Hubby and I got to see them last year for about three hours when they had a wedding reception here in his hometown.
sinjin, unfortunately, we won’t be able to double-up on the trip. They’re not exactly cheap (ends up at over $300 per couple), and we have two young kids, so arranging childcare is already a juggling act. By then, Spencer will be almost 3 and Colin will be 1. They’ll probably end up spending the night with different family members each night we’re gone. Two energetic toddlers are quite the handful, especially when you’re not used to it.
it’s been three days, Avarie; any update?
it’s a bandaid; you either rip it off fast, or just see if it comes off on its own. By that I mean, just continue your plans, but don’t include your brother in any of them (that’s obviously risky).
Pink-slipped? I’m trying to figure out what that means. I would assume it means the he was fired or that he quit his job. But, I can’t figure out what that has to do with the particular date.
Look. It would be one thing if the situation was “Um, I don’t want to say anything, but my wife is really ooged out by your brother’s colostomy bag and missing eye, and I just don’t know…” This situation is “Your brother is an asshole, everybody hates him, and we are right to do so.”
Your path is clear. “Hey, bro. Want to be an asshole? Fine, but you ain’t coming on our fantastic cabin vacation.”
Wow, I guess we do need a translation then…
Like brewha, I just assumed it meant he got fired (and I too wondered what the significance was in getting fired on dead brothers birthday).
I unvote for this one. It avoids the unfortunate responsibility that Avarie537must face, while at the same time misses the objective. Lose/lose, if you ask me.
Avarie537, it’s an awful thing that you have to face, but the truth is that you’re going to have to face it.
Question for you, though – What’s the worst that will realistically happen? Will you completely lose your relationship with your brother? If so, will that be a big loss for you?
Good. Then he won’t care that all the other people involved think he should not be there.
While you and your friends are enjoying your cabin experience, he can ponder what he really does care about, and reflect on how important it is to him to continue to be an asshole.
I think you guys are right and I was wrong; re-reading the OP, it’s pretty clear the word “got” (in the phrase “got pink-slipped on our dead brother’s birthday”) was lost in editing.
Be straightforward and honest. Use as few words as possible.
“Your behaviour last year (drunk/gun) crossed a line for me, so you are not being included in this years guest list. You claim you don’t care if people think you are an asshole. Here’s you chance to put that ‘not caring’ into action, I think.”
Then be prepared to let what comes back at you wash over you like a wave at the ocean. You don’t respond, just let him vent, spew and rage away. If need be repeat the above. When he tires himself out say, “I’m sorry you feel that way and I’m sorry but I have to go now, good afternoon, click.”
Screen your calls and let him stew for a few days before taking any.
Rinse and repeat as required.
I believe this approach is as close to empowering for you, as you’ll get.
I agree with your entire post, except for the last two sentences of the quoted bit. They come off as snarky, accusatory, and confrontational. I think that firm but civil is a more constructive approach.
If he argues – and I think it’s likely that he will – then she can pull out the big guns.
The first sentence, though, is gold. If the word “unacceptable” can be woven into it, all the better.
I wonder if his response to this all might be “Yeah, I was kind of a jerk. I understand.” Not impossible.
Yes, that phrase should have read “got pink-slipped on our dead brother’s birthday.” And no, I haven’t said anything to him yet. Yesterday was his last official day of work, so I was going to wait until next week.
And I don’t think I’ll “lose” my relationship with him. (If I wanted that, I’d tell him he’s just like our dad, only with less hair.) I’m sure he’ll be resentful that I didn’t “fight” for him. Honestly, we aren’t very close and don’t see each other very often as it is (maybe once a month). I’m sure he will beg and plead. He and Tracey start talking about “next year’s trip” in February. They’re not married, and don’t intend to be, and I can’t see inviting just her, since my brother would be stuck at her house taking care of her preteen son while she was gone. I really don’t think she’d be willing to come without him.
“Remember last trip where you got drunk, pulled your gun out and waved it around? Yeah, some people were a little freaked out by that. Everyone has flat out told me if you’re there this year, they don’t want to go. I tried to stand up for you, tell them that’s not the real you, but they wouldn’t listen.”
He’ll probably insist you plead his case. Say ok, then call him back a few days later and tell him they refuse to budge. You could even say you’re considering not going because of it.
I would suggest that you actually write down what you intend to say to him, and responses to what you think he’ll say, and stick to those. That can be a good way of staying on point when someone with a forceful personality is trying to get you to change your mind.
Translation: He’s used to not dealing with consequences for his behavior, because so very many people let assholish behavior slide. Of course he wouldn’t care what the others think if he still gets his way.
I can’t see this being a good idea.
Honesty is the best policiy; oh, what a tangled web we weave, etc.
Another useful notion is: Guilt is Optional. (Not useless, or always a bad thing, but optional.)
The OPoster justs needs to be straight-forward and brief. And it would be nice to have some lines prepared in advance that would kung-fu his head games.
If he asks questions about exactly who is against him, or what their exact complaints are, or what exactly he would have to promise to do in order to get invited… have short explanations ready about how those aren’t productive lines of inquiry.
