In that den of unintentional voyerism facebook one of the things that drove me crazy and creeped me right out was parents not only diagnosing their kids with any vaguely possible mental illness(touch of the asperger’s would make a great band name )
They will even “doctor shop” until they find a doctor willing to diagnose whatever mental problems they are convinced their child has.
But also thinking they nailed their kids(or other people’s kids) sexuality based on either non stereotypical(to their mind) gender behaviour or even nothing at all besides the kid’s face. It drove me nuts, it seemed creepy as hell like the parents were trying to get attention by proxy.
I even had a friend insist in her family there was a baby that everyone knew was gay from infancy, and he did turn out gay so shut up.:dubious:
I don’t know. I think it’s admirable that a parent would be open to the possibility that their kid may be gay, rather than condemning and ignoring it.
A friend has twin sons and one of the first times I met her, she mentioned how one is a little. . . how do you say? Light in the loafers. Yes, let’s go with that. The boys are ten or so now, but she says there has always been a marked difference in their personalities and their interests. The “light in the loafers” boy has been in therapy since he was six-- not to ungay him or anything, but just to teach him coping techniques for the inevitable bullying he would (and has) received. The other boy goes to therapy every so often, too, but for other things.
So, while I agree it’s silly to assume a little boy is gay because he likes Barbies, there is some merit in recognize personality traits in your child that may or may not differ them from the norm. Gay or not, if a kid shows stereotypical tenancies, it may be worth while to teach them that it’s a-ok to be that way, but also how to deal with the reactions they may face from others.
The problem to me is not that these parents are looking at traits that may make their kids different from the (perceived) norm but that they are broadcasting it on Facebook.
that is one of the gayest babies I have ever seen. Laying there with his mouth open pining away for a cock to suck on. Now I have nothing against gay babies and if they want to gay it up and wear rainbow clothing that is their own business but I still don’t think it’s right for gay babies to be allowed to get married though. That’s just wrong.
To be fair, a lot of children with autism spectrum disorders start exhibiting behaviors between 2-3 years of age. Sometimes pediatricians adopt a wait and see approach, but that doesn’t make parents who think that something is wrong with their child feel any better about it. Outcomes for kids with disabilities tend to be better with early intervention, so ‘shopping around’ isn’t inherently a terrible thing.
And to echo was others have said- if parents can wrap their heads around the fact that their kid may grow up to be gay, that can only be a good thing, even if they don’t. I mean, I can look at pictures of myself when I was 10 or 12 and go ‘ah, look at that enormous lesbo’, but of course there’s hindsight involved. Still, though, if entertaining this notion can stop parents from punishing kids who exhibit any sort of non-standard gender behavior, it’s probably a good thing.
Different cultures and all that, but in Spain the notion of sending a kid to a therapist “to learn coping mechanisms” would provoke massive stuns. What happened to learning coping mechanisms from your parents, teachers, and slightly-older neighbors, siblings and cousins? Did those kids also get potty trained by a nurse and taught how to blow their noses by the au pair?
Considering the news here in America regularly is reporting gay teens killing themselves— and the statistics say that gay kids are way more likely to commit suicide than their straight peers-- I don’t see anything wrong with parents seeking out the most qualified help for their kids. Growing up is hard-- growing up different is harder. Understanding you aren’t absolutely qualified to understand your kid (since you may not be you gay/fat/whatever they are being bullied for, too) and seeking out help is absolutely the right thing to do. That’s good parenting in my book.
Do kids with glasses also get sent to a therapist to learn coping mechanisms? Kids with a bad leg? Kids who miss class twice a week because of dyalisis?
Those are real examples from my childhood. Maybe now teachers are too subject to Thee Shall Not Traumatize The Kids rules to be able to intervene, but it was much more efficient to have teachers, parents and upperclasskids who stepped right in than to send every kid who wasn’t a perfect cookie to therapy.
One thing that bothers me about this is that it stereotypes gay people. I have two boys. One is very strict about gender lines - he only likes dark “boy” colors, he’s into football and basketball, he’s all about trucks and guns and “boy” stuff. The other loves to play princess dress-up at his friends’ house, his favorite color is purple, he takes dance lessons. There’s no reason to think I could peg which or either of these kids is gay. Just because a boy likes purple glitter, doesn’t mean he’s gay. Just because a boy plays football, doesn’t mean he’s not gay. The kind of stereotyping described in the OP not only pigeonholes the kids who like more “girly” things, it leaves the other kids out in the cold.
Growing up, my mom thought I was gay. Her reason? I liked books more than sports. Well, I think she ignored the fact that my father is a voracious reader and would go to the library, get 10 books and have them finished by the end of the week and return for more. It wasn’t homosexuality, it was me aping his behavior. And then it turns out I’m gay. So go figure.
I think it’s great that more and more parents and families are accepting of gay, lesbian, transgendered (cisgenderd? I apologize if I use the wrong term), etc… children, but it almost seems like some of these parents are going out of their way to show just how accepting they are, and in doing so, might even be doing harm to their kid.
I mean…just because a 3-year old boy likes the color pink and sometimes wears his sister’s dresses doesn’t mean he’s gay, or a 5-year old girl who thinks some other girl in her class is pretty is a lesbian. Kids will be kids, and young children usually don’t understand gender and sexuality concepts. So to assume that the aforementioned kids are gay and then start to treat them that way, think maybe we should get some preemptive counseling to deal with the bullying, etc… and then posting all over your Facebook that you’re totally cool with your gay 3-year old is asinine.
I honestly don’t think that anyone can know for sure that they/they children are gay, straight, bisexual, whatever until at least the onsets of puberty. There’s a whole range of hormonal and physical changes they go through, as well as being old enough to finally really grasp concepts like sex, physical attraction, etc…
Now, I’m not saying there aren’t kids (or their parents) who thought/knew they were gay when they were very young and were right, in fact, I’m sure there’s plenty of instances of that. But at the same time, there’s plenty of instances of a young boy saying he thinks girls are gross, and that he never wants to kiss them, and then a few years later he’s doing everything he can to kiss one.
My overall point is that no one should be “pigeon-holing” their kids to conform to anything. Let them be kids for those brief few years they get to be.
But isn’t it possible that the parents are creating the disorder that they are then treating? What I mean is, if I raise a kid to believe that he is a little off and will be bullied and then I send that kid to a therapist to get prepared for the bullying, I might, accidentally, be creating a bully magnet that would have not have encountered as much bullying absent the intervention.
I have an employee whose son was born with a congenital disorder. He would routinely miss 2 days of school a week and during cold and flu season he would have at least one hospitalization for pneumonia. He did need therapy as a teenager for being “different”. His disorder stunted his growth, so he was the smallest kid in class all the way through school. At 17, he looked like he was 12.
This. I think baby and toddler is too early to be worrying about who your kid will be attracted to, but older kids should be encouraged to be themselves and to know when to conform to expectations. (I think that probably sounds bad, but I’m sure you can all think of examples of people who chose the wrong time to flaunt being different, in whatever way).
(cisgendered is the antonym of transgendered, although I think I’ve heard it used more broadly than that)
I think all parents worry about their kids. The thing is being gay seem to mean that it’s a bad thing. I think the being gay thing will resolve its self in the future, but now it is a problem.
It’s problematic, because you get so many differing views.
On one hand people say being gay is no one’s business, which is true, but by saying whether or not a person should be in or out of the closet, what it does is it admits that being gay is soemthing to be ashamed of.
No one would ever say it’s OK for a person to pass at being white or for them to deny benig Jewish. Things people did in the past.
And this is why it’s tough for gay youth. They don’t see life isn’t like GLEE where everyone is very accepting of gay people. They wonder why they announce to the world they’re gay and everyone isn’t OK with it.
Contrast this to blacks or even women. By the time a black person is 5 years old, he has seen racsim and has learned to cope with it. A little girl by the time she is 5 has also dealt with the fact people will assign her a role in life. And both of them know they are going to have to somehow cope with it, and they do it without professional help.
And being gay isn’t clear cut as being a girl or boy or black and white.
But I can fully understand a parent thinking his child may be gay. The same way they may think he is a vast varitey of other things.
Even that isn’t clear cut. We call Obama an African American though he’s half white and the “black” part of him is of a free immigrant black man not of slave roots.
If my kid had to have kidney dyalisis, I’d probably send them to therapy. That’s a tough thing to have to go through and I recognize I’m not fully capable of relating to that and helping them, despite my best efforts.
Another example is a friend with a biracial daughter. She gets picked on relentlessly due to the fact that she looks different (not black enough for the black kids, not white enough for the white kids)-- I see nothing wrong with him sending her to therapy. I mean, there’s literally no negative impact of doing so, only positive. Why wouldn’t you? It’s not like she’s one day going to wake up and be not biracial-- or suddenly live in a colorblind world. Unfortunately, this is something she’ll have to deal with well into adulthood (talk to some mixed adults if you don’t believe me).
I could see the possibility of creating helicopter parents and special snowflakes, but I suppose my view is that I’d rather err on the side of getting the help that’s available to me. I concede that I’m not a parent, but I just feel like maybe part of being a good parent is recognizing your shortcomings. If my college educated butt can’t help my kid with his math homework, there’s nothing wrong with me hiring a professional tutor. Same thing with a kid who wants to learn a musical instrument other than clarinet (all I know). And especially so for emotional situations I can’t really relate to.
I see so many threads on this board about bullying and the long term, serious effects it had on many Dopers. I was never bullied and, honestly, I simply can’t relate to it. Since I was a “popular girl,” my coping mechanisms might not work if my child isn’t as socially popular as I was. That said, I never, ever want to be the parent that some of my fellow Dopers had— so to make sure I do the best I can, I’m more than happy to reach outside myself to get the help that’s available.
FWIW: In the instance of the “gay” son, he gets picked on a tiny bit, but not much at all. He’s a VERY happy, confidant kid. Is it because he was going to turn out that way anyway or the therapy? There’s no way to know, but I can’t imagine the therapy particularly hurt him.
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