After moving to a new town a year ago, I have made almost no friends here. Everyone I know is married and I am single (yet to really have a girlfriend). My job consumes my most of my time.
I feel very lost right now, and I am fairly unconfident socially. I’m not terribly funny or charismatic. I’m not the best looking either. I do try to fit in but I never seem to quite get there.
Someone cheer me up and tell me things change, cause after wishing to be with someone for nine some years I am always unsuccessful.
Does a therapist help people like me? I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I can tell you that I have a completely different concept of who I am because of my therapist!
I found out that I am strong. I had no idea! The changes that I’ve gone through are amazing!
Eighteen years ago I weighed, well…twice as much as I weigh now. I felt that my life was out of control. It had gotten to the point that I didn’t want to leave the house or even drive a car. I was a very, very angry person with a husband and one last loyal friend.
So much of the way you see yourself may be a distortion of reality. Honest!
How large a town is Saskatoon and why did you choose to live there?
You know, if you were in the United States, I would suggest attending church to meet a young woman. That’s part of the tradition – especially in the South.
What interests do you have? Following your natural inclinations always seemed one of the best ways of meeting people. Are there any colleges in town where you could audit a course?
Are you able to travel at all? I met people everywhere I went in Europe. Where I was normally shy in the United States, I seemed to blossom in Europe when I was young.
Have you had any changes in your sleeping habits recently like waking up in the middle of the night or getting sleepy during the day?
I feel kinda of lonely too. Except on Thursdays when I meet up with friends and then there’s the weekend… Michigan Dopefest tomorrow. The thing is, people have jobs, school. Everyone is away for the summer. I feel like I’m on a deserted island (I’m lost)!
I, too, am somewhat socially unconfident. I think for me, it’s because I’m unconventional and the social atmosphere has to be just right. But I consider myself funny and charismatic. You don’t think you are? I think you are very witty, at least around here.
Next year I will do something different. I actually moved from Saskatoon to a smaller town of about 20,000 people. It is an oiltown with a lot of rednecks in it. Church would be a good option if I weren’t an agnostic.
I just feel I never relate to anyone. And since everyone relates well to each other, I must be the problem. How is it I have lived here for 8 months but every Friday I have almost no one to call?
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. If you’re at a social function and constantly thinking about fitting in, it wont happen. I strongly believe in the concept of ‘flow.’ Especially at social gatherings, you really have to let go, relax, and feel the flow. This is hard to explain but it’s akin to ‘getting into the moment.’ It’s a state of being where you feel relaxed and in touch with everything around you. You may feel slightly enhanced senses and a greatened capacity for making new friends. One could argue that this flow is nothing more than the psyche integrating thousands of super-subtle social signals and channeling them through a confident, out-going vibe. I think, however, it’s more useful to think of it as a force, a force that one can visualize different ways in different settings. Flowing at a funeral will be very different than flowing at a bar. I must add that feeling the flow and going with the flow are two different things, but you can get the hang of which is appropriate with practice.
Less cryptic advice I can give you is to take up some new hobbies, exercise more, and give internet dating a try. I was serious about the ‘flow’ thing though.
Speaking from my own experience, I think you should certainly give therapy some consideration. My therapist gives me the impression that she is there to help me in any way she can, even if sometimes I just need someone to listen to me bitch and moan and whine about life for an hour. She has also come up with ideas I wouldn’t have thought of on my own, in regards to activities and events that might interest me. A therapist can offer you insight as to WHY you are feeling the way you are, and give you advice on how to improve things in your life that need improving. And therapists can also recommend books to help you with specific problems, such as self confidence, or point you toward organized groups of people experiencing similar struggles. You can ask your doctor, if you have a regular physician, to recommend someone, or you can just check the phone book, but I think the most important thing is finding someone who you feel comfortable with, even if that means “shopping around” until you find the right fit.
I’ve learned that life is all about phases. You move from one phase to another, and sometimes it’s difficult to see the dividing line.
I’ve gone from the regular growing up at home phase, to the moving out phase, to the roommates and partying phase, to the girlfriend and relationship phase, to the lonely and bachelor phase, to the ecstatic newly married phase, to the kids and diaper phase, to the career building phase, to the kids are demanding little buggers phase, to the wife is a pain in the butt phase, to my current “gee I really like getting out for 9 holes of golf” phase.
No matter what life is like currently, it will change. Give some thought to your direction and start steering the ship that way. The ship of life takes a few years to turn sometimes though. Bon Chance, mon ami.
That’s tough man. I know it’s a cliche, but what about bars in Saskatoon? Booze won’t make you witty, but it’ll help you relax. You don’t have to drink to get drunk, but drink something…people walking around with Orange Juice is creepy. **Autolycus ** is right, you need to ‘feel the flow’ instead of ‘trying to fit in’. Ask someone at work you consider ‘relaxed’ to recommend something to wear. Social awkwardness is cute to a significant group of females, so thats in your corner.
You know, if you’re a cool person (this is from me, so read: highly intelligent, geeky, non-mainstream), a small-town, red-neck atmosphere is virtually designed to make you feel out of place. I tried to live in rural Ohio for ten years and made very few connections, fewer still that were meaningful. Only when I moved to a more diverse setting did I realize…
**
It’s not you! It’s the dumb, ignorant jerks where you live!**
Actually, you can find a lot of great folks who are redknecks, and any other demographic you can conjure up. One of the problems, (as Oregon unwittingly pointed out) is that we create all of these artificial labels to keep us separated from people who are not exacly like us. Quasi-elitism only deepens the divide, and makes us more like the people we complain about.
People are people. They don’t relate better to each other necessarily. Everyone has your same insecurities to one degree or another, and like you, they think no one else does.
I have been lonely before. I know it is rough. But…here is my suggestion…
GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! Go to get coffee. Volunteer at the local “whatever”. Go to church (even an agnostic can use a spiritual lift), find a way to make your community better, if you do, people will come to you.