I bought my self-defense gun from a T Rex...

He was a small arms dealer.

Actually I shouldn’t even own a gun given my issues with alcohol. It kept me from becoming a lawyer - I couldn’t pass the bar. Not only that, it’s a gateway drug… to aspirin. So for now my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.

My friend from Quebec is a heavy drinker too. He drank Canada dry. Fortunately he’s a chemist, for him alcohol is not a problem, it’s a solution.

Johnny was a chemist’s son,
But Johnny is no more.
For what Johnny thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

Things that tell the truth:
Young children
Drunk people
Yoga pants

My wife wanted me to dress as a flamingo for Halloween, but I had to put my foot down.

You drinking H2O?
I’ll have some H202!

AuH[sub]2[/sub]O lost to LBJ.

All that glitters…ya know!

I don’t like pre-shredded cheese…

… I want to make America grate again.

Join the fight against the metric system.

We don’t need no foreign rulers!

Too bad 538’s Nate Ag wasn’t around then to predict that.

Mary had a little sheep
And with her sheep she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
So, Mary had a little lamb

I grew up participating in the Catholic Church. I never got fucked by the priest. I was the Alternate Boy.

Get off the stove, Granny … you’re too old to ride the range.

Little Willie from his mirror
Sucked the mercury all off,
Thinking, in his childish error,
It would cure his whooping-cough.
At the funeral, Willie’s mother
Smartly said to Mrs. Brown,
“T was a chilly day for William
When the mercury went down.”

…The doctor died of shock.

(bolding mine)

A biologist gave birth to twins.
She named the first one ‘Mary’ and the second one ‘Control.’

The doctor’s partner was unimpressed, having been in attendance the week before, when Old MacDonald had a farm…

Mary had a little car
She drove in a manner deft
But every time she signalled right
The little car turned left.

Guess he wasn’t a separatist :wink:

I just can’t help myself: