I broke 12.5 years of sobriety

[fifty-six]

@Reply

Welcome to life, eh? Seems like some cuts are never as clean as we’d like 'em to be.

Boy Howdy that one is true.

@Rigamarole

Congrats!

Thanks

@Neverender

However, if you were really an addict by standards of addiction, rather than the standards of American society, I’d say yes you’re definitely playing with fire. I think maybe you should confide in someone who won’t judge too harshly, but would steer you in the right direction if you start slipping off the rails. It might be you’ll slip back into old habits, and it may be better to catch it earlier on if that happens.

Maybe

@Qadgop_the_Mercotan

Well, if you do end up wanting what folks in AA have, you know where to find it.

Speaking for myself, my experiments in returning to drinking or drugs never turned out well at all, though they did drag on for months or even a couple of years at a time. I’ve been much happier sober.

Good luck, and let us know how it turns out for you.

I will keep this post alive with semi-regular updates.

@E-Sabbath

Fifty-six, what I’m reading here is exactly what my dad said. He honestly believed that it wasn’t affecting him, that he wasn’t heading down the old path.

He started to get sloppier. He started to be violent earlier in frustration. But the alcohol wasn’t affecting him. It was just a glass of wine. Or two. He was a connoisseur. I started to get a little worried, but hey, he was an adult, he could handle it.

Then Mom was away one night and I got a call from her that he wasn’t answering the phone.

I thought he’d had a stroke. But it was just the alcohol. Spent the better part of a day cleaning and sobering him. Then I let him into the bathroom alone.

Spent the better part of the next day cleaning and sobering him again. I’d missed a bottle.

Trust me, dude. You’re lying to yourself. Don’t. Fucking. Do It.

Bolding mine.

I said nothing of the sort. I aint lying to myself either. Fuck you.

@sleestak

I have yet to see an alcoholic return to drinking successfully (5 + years sober myself). Is it possible? Probably. Is it likely? From my experience, and those I know who are in the same boat I am, not at all.

In the past 5 years I’ve known probably 30 guys and gals who went out drinking again. 2 are dead. At least 3 are in jail. A couple disappeared and no one knows where they are. The rest are back in the program though every single one had some serious negative outcome (lost jobs, wives, husbands, lost the house, etc). Most of these folks had 1 or 2 years sober though some had a lot more time. One of the dead ones had over 20 years sober. He drank, lost his job, did a crime and got thrown in jail where he died. His liver went out. Wanna guess why? The sad thing is that he was a successful man with a family. He died about 6 months ago.

It seems like a rather silly bet. A drink against losing your job, or your spouse, or your life. It even seems sillier when, historically, you lost every damned time.

Slee

The ones that didn’t come back could be just fine. Or the ones that don’t go to AA all the time and are constantly reinforced with the belief that they will fail if they go back.

@Napier

Fifty-six, it sounds to me like you’re an alcoholic and you are rationalizing what is actually the beginning of another episode of backsliding.

• Sober since October 1986

Unhelpful. Quit regurgitating on my post and actually read it.

@twickster

Do you need to go through all that rigamarole? Seems to me that someone who needs to find someone to monitor his or her drinking should have a clue already that the drinking is a problem.

I did not suggest that for myself.

@Labrador_Deceiver

I’m getting kinda tired of people in this thread trotting out these lines. The OP is very clearly NOT rationalizing his behavior, nor is he lying to himself. He seems very genuinely confused and troubled by his actions.

It’s as if there is a reflex at work.

“I’m drinking again, but not in enormous quantities. However, I hate myself and the fact that I am obsessing about alcohol. I genuinely want honest opinions, because I think I might be going down a bad path.”

“You’re rationalizing.”

WTF? Where is the rationalizing?

Thanks. There is no reason for me to lie in this post. read some of my posts about prison and my past I am a quite open person.

@Labrador_Deceiver

The OP say neither of these two things. He said that he had wine, liquor & beer, but only liked wine so far.

Then he said he hadn’t been able to get drunk, not that he didn’t get a buzz.

I still like wine the best by far. And mostly just Cabernets.

@GargoyleWB

I’ll be another supporting data point. I have a best friend who nearly drank himself to oblivion college and post college. Blackouts, hallucinations, destroying relationships and property, the works. He’d routinely drain full fifths of vodka on the weekends after “warming up” with pitchers of beer at the bars, every night was “Animal House” behavior.

He quit completely for about ten years, and now is perfectly capable of handling and enjoying a couple of beers with the guys, or the occasional social cocktails, just like the mainstream public. My belief is that he now has a family, kids, and career that he values more and is unwilling to sacrifice. In the “party days” he could rationalize the behaviors since there were fewer valued attachments to keep him straight.

This could be my case. We will find out.

@GusNSpot

If there were not exceptions, there would not be definitions.

There always seem to be people who try to convince others that there is no such thing as addiction. ( I have no idea why they fight for that so hard.)

There is always a story about someONE who is not like the other 50 million that are just like the definition.

I never have not ever nor will ever be that 1 :50,000,000 that gets lucky.

I used to really care about helping other addicts. No more. I wish you the best and will leave you alone if that is what you want. As long as you do not mess with me, mine or my recovery program. You do that and I will actively work to have you put in jail.

I can chose to die for you but I’ll be damned if I’ll die because of you. You chose to go back to drinking. It and all it’s consequences are all on you. No slack. You made the choice.

18+ years clean & sober.

*My ability to intellectualize
Allowed me to rationalize
Which got me institutionalized. *

An addict who is not using a drug but has switched to using people is neither clean nor sober.

Wat? Why did you post this?

@PandaBear77

Another friend of Bill W. checking in (not an alcoholic, but an addict’s an addict).

Yes, you are playing with fire. Something drove you to AA 12.5 years ago.

Let’s look at the odds. Which is more likely: that you are somehow “special” and you’re that 1 in a billion alcoholic that really can be taught to drink reasonably, or that you’re heading for another crash? Is it worth losing the life you’ve built sober to find out for sure?

I use to say no for the last 12 years now I guess it seems worth it to try.
UPDATE
First of all I have always hated AA. I doubt I will go back even if the shit hits the fan. I know it works but siting in those rooms hearing the war stories over and over and the repeated phrases and the praying and stuff does notwork for me . I got the 12 years not through AA. I have been to many meeting though. And many treatment centers. I hate them.

Were I am at today.

I drink almost every day. I still hide it form most people and I wont drink at a bar.

I drink about 1-2 a day after work. It is all around me like it has been every day during sobriety. I never tried to avoid drinking situations or handling alcohol so the presence is not shocking or unusual to me. I pored and made drinks and bought and sold it all throughout sobriety.

I do not seem to have the compulsion to drink it all like I once did. IN fact I have been wanting to get drunk since i started drinking again and I just cant. I am done after two. Or at most a few times 4 over several hours. but them I am defiantly done. I dont seem to need more anymore. Nor can I force myself to drink more. It is like to much cake. I am just done.

It is not a matter of willpower. I let myself drink the amount I want and that seems to be it.

What I drink:

I am very picky. I wont drink if the alcohol I want is not available to me.
I drink nice Cabernets and some hoppy beers. I have had a few shots of some nice tequilas and a couple drinks of Bookers.
**
Who Knows:

Not my wife or kids or most friends.

A few girls and the owner of the restaurant I am currently running for the winter.
The servers. And the Straightdope.

**Why Am I hiding it. **

I don’t know. I will come out soon I think. I guess I was just testing the waters and wanted to do it privately. not sure though.
Drinking has cleared some of the demons in my head and cured some of my weird ticks and behaviors. Sleepwalking, weird inappropriate cursing and yelling in my sleep and has allowed me to get better sleep. I use to get no more than 2 hours at a time and now I can get a full night sleep. I don’t obsessively count anymore. I didn’t count things, just counted, usually just a few numbers but it weirded people out. I am less stressed out. I no linger think I am going insane.

I have not drank in any situation that would be inappropriate nor have I had the desire. I actually seem to be a bit less obsessed about it now. I also feel less obsessive about everything now .i am still very obsessive but less so. My brain is calmer.

We will see what happens and I will answer any questions about it. I am not gonna stop unless things get out of hand so the experiment will go on unless there is trouble. Then well we will see what happens.

Thanks for the caring and sharing and suggestions. Say what you like and what you feel if need be. Tonight if I can stay awake past my wife i will have a glass of 2005 Beaulieu Vineyard Rutherford Cabernet Sauvignon Otherwizejust goto sleap

Thanks

[bup]

This latest post has a lot more typos than your OP.

[Markxxx]

I have to be blunt about this but “so what?”

As the song says “When you fall down, pick your self up and dust yourself off and start all over again.”

Seriously, the fact you were sober for 12.5 years simply means you are completely capable of doing it again.

One failure doesn’t entitle you to make a second failure.

People fail all the time, everyone does it, I do it, everyone reading it does it.

You can’t get locked into a “I failed once so I’ll do it again.” Even if you do “So what?”

Whether or not you remain sober is totally up to you. And even if the worst happens and you fail again and again, it doesn’t mean you should give up. Nor does one failure mean it’s destine to happen again.

It’s not an omen or a sign of weakness or anything like that.

It was an error in judgement, which puts you in the exact same category as the other 6.7 BILLION people on Earth today that made errors in judgement today and will make them tomorrow.

I know I’m being oversimplistic, but you’re not alone, whether it’s sobriety or charging too much on credit cards, or eating too much, everyone has something they struggle with

And finally look at it this way, next year on this date you’ll have a reason to start a thread that says “I’ve been sober for one year”

So start over, good luck to you,

[EmAnJ]

@fifty-six

I don’t obsessively count anymore. I didn’t count things, just counted, usually just a few numbers but it weirded people out. I am less stressed out. I no linger think I am going insane.

Weird, I did/do the counting thing too, and drank to silence it and help me fall asleep. I was told it was a bit of OCD, but who knows.

Whatever, it’s you’re life, do what you want. The only scary thing is that you’re hiding it.

[EmAnJ]

@Markxxx

I have to be blunt about this but “so what?”

As the song says “When you fall down, pick your self up and dust yourself off and start all over again.”

Seriously, the fact you were sober for 12.5 years simply means you are completely capable of doing it again.

One failure doesn’t entitle you to make a second failure.

People fail all the time, everyone does it, I do it, everyone reading it does it.

You can’t get locked into a “I failed once so I’ll do it again.” Even if you do “So what?”

Whether or not you remain sober is totally up to you. And even if the worst happens and you fail again and again, it doesn’t mean you should give up. Nor does one failure mean it’s destine to happen again.

It’s not an omen or a sign of weakness or anything like that.

It was an error in judgement, which puts you in the exact same category as the other 6.7 BILLION people on Earth today that made errors in judgement today and will make them tomorrow.

And finally look at it this way, next year on this date you’ll have a reason to start a thread that says “I’ve been sober for one year”

So start over, good luck to you,

If you read his thread and update, you would see that he doesn’t WANT to start over. He’s drinking again and enjoys it, with no plans to stop.

[Marley23]

@fifty-six

I said nothing of the sort. I aint lying to myself either. Fuck you.

Don’t insult other posters in this forum.

[Marley23]

@bup

This latest post has a lot more typos than your OP.

It sure does.

@fifty-six

I drink almost every day. I still hide it form most people and I wont drink at a bar. […] **Why Am I hiding it. **

I don’t know. I will come out soon I think. I guess I was just testing the waters and wanted to do it privately. not sure though.

I think you know why you’re hiding it: people who know you in person will tell you this is a bad idea and you don’t want to face the disapproval.

Drinking has cleared some of the demons in my head and cured some of my weird ticks and behaviors. Sleepwalking, weird inappropriate cursing and yelling in my sleep and has allowed me to get better sleep. I use to get no more than 2 hours at a time and now I can get a full night sleep. I don’t obsessively count anymore. I didn’t count things, just counted, usually just a few numbers but it weirded people out. I am less stressed out. I no linger think I am going insane.

I bet a bunch of other people have said this upthread, but in case they haven’t, this screams “I have other issues.” Whether you are drinking or not, you should deal with those.

[Airman_Doors_USAF]

@sparky_1

Part of me wishes we gave the same hate we have to cigarettes to alcohol.

We did. It didn’t work. Society has deemed that banning alcohol causes worse effects than if it were legal.

Of course, that’s small consolation for you, but keep in mind that there are people who will help you kick your habit, and there are people that will help you if you lapse.

[MeanOldLady]

@sleestak

I have yet to see an alcoholic return to drinking successfully (5 + years sober myself).

Seen it. What I think is one’s attitude toward alcohol is most important. We’re not dealing with some mystical Demon Rum here. If you can’t change the way you view or consume alcohol (many people can’t), then it’s best to stay away altogether. The guy I know who resumed drinking used to get into loads of trouble in his 20s, was unable to socialize without drinking, would purposely get extremely drunk when he wanted to do something stupid and not be held accountable, [insert typical behavioral problems of alcohol abusers here]. Fast forward to 10 years later, and he had a glass of wine at a party. His reaction: Meh. No big deal. He’s simply a different person than he was then, and has had a lot of time to think about things. Now he drinks like the rest of us, and all is well. The OP, on the other hand, doesn’t seem like he’s changed his attitude toward alcohol enough to be able to start drinking functionally. He admits to obsessing over it, which is giving it more power than it needs. He’s also hiding it because he’s testing the waters? Testing them for what? If you’ve resolved your issues with alcohol, there’s nothing to test. Simply resume drinking, but responsibly, and all is well.

@bup

This latest post has a lot more typos than your OP.

Heh.

[Epimetheus]

I think it is possible to quit and start drinking moderately, but from the sounds of it, you are too obsessed. I will occasionally say “damn, I need a beer” but other than that I hardly think about it. (well, maybe “should I buy some beer or wine tonight? Hmmm” - commence debating with inner monologue here)

I can see myself going down the route to alcoholism. I love to drink (beer/wine/saki mostly), and do it regularly. I thought I drank a lot though, sometimes I will drink 6-7 times a week, but I try to moderate it down to 3-4 times. I hardly drink until I am drunk, but there is a reason I drink beer.

I have a general drinking problem. I can drink a 12 pack of soda in one day. I don’t think about it, I don’t crave it so damn much I have to have another one. I just just don’t think about it. I finish, I reflexively open another one. On evenings I have a six pack… I can easily drink all of them if my wife doesn’t have one or two. With wine I can drink a bottle by myself with ease. I would get sooo drunk so often if I drank hard alcohol more than once a month.

Though lately we have been dieting, I can usually only finish 3 beers in a night before feeling too full.

I can’t fully understand such obsession, but I think I can understand excess. Even if I don’t think I’ve drank 12 beers by myself in a single night, ever.

[MsWhatsit]

Wow, sounds like you’ve been having a super time, tossing back champagne fizzies with young girls half your age. You should tell your wife about it; she might like to join in!

[twickster]

The guy knocking back Mad Dog 20-20 isn’t any more or less an alcoholic than the one savoring his 2005 Beaulieu Vineyard Rutherford Cabernet Sauvignon. It’s not what you drink, it’s how you drink.

[EmAnJ]

@MsWhatsit

Wow, sounds like you’ve been having a super time, tossing back champagne fizzies with young girls half your age. You should tell your wife about it; she might like to join in!

Wow, how did I miss that? Who is this girl you broke your sobriety for? Hopefully it was an honest friend, though I kind of doubt that.

[Epimetheus]

@twickster

The guy knocking back Mad Dog 20-20 isn’t any more or less an alcoholic than the one savoring his 2005 Beaulieu Vineyard Rutherford Cabernet Sauvignon. It’s not what you drink, it’s how you drink.

True, but by most definitions most of Europe and even much of Asia are alcoholics. Drinking every night in some cases (though not “college-level drinking”), and alcohol being a big part of their perceived “culture”.

People say “it is only alcoholism if you can’t give it up” or “if it interferes in your life” but it does at some point, everywhere. Whats the difference between somebody not being able to give it up, and somebody that just doesn’t want to give it up, and where do the two overlap? What is the difference between “I’m staying home tonight because I started drinking” or in my case “I could get much better results with my weightlifting if I quit” and “I can’t get a job because I have to start drinking at 6 in the morning” and what are the gray areas?

Alcoholism might be classified as a disease, but it seems one of the most loosely defined “diseases” ever.

[E-Sabbath]

Fifty-Six, look. Maybe you’re not lying to yourself. But the thing is, how can you tell? I can’t say much, here. I am not in your life. All I can give you is the best advice I can.

Stop hiding it.

Let someone else help you. You say you can control it. Fine. But… just in case, let someone else know.

You’re probably not hiding it as well as you think, if your life is like mine.

[twickster]

@Epimetheus

True, but by most definitions most of Europe and even much of Asia are alcoholics. Drinking every night in some cases (though not “college-level drinking”), and alcohol being a big part of their perceived “culture”.

True, but not really relevant to the point I was making. The OP seems to find it significant that he’s only drinking “quality” booze – to me, the amount you pay for the booze is irrelevant if drinking it is fucking up your life.

[Epimetheus]

Ah, guess I thought you were making a different point - I agree though.

[Yookeroo]

@twickster

True, but not really relevant to the point I was making. The OP seems to find it significant that he’s only drinking “quality” booze – to me, the amount you pay for the booze is irrelevant if drinking it is fucking up your life.

I read it as saying he doesn’t feel the urge to drink anytime booze is available, only when it’s stuff he likes.

[The_Second_Stone]

I wish you the very best.

[twickster]

@Yookeroo

I read it as saying he doesn’t feel the urge to drink anytime booze is available, only when it’s stuff he likes.

I read it as saying that the fact that he’s only drinking the good stuff is evidence that he’s in control of his drinking. My understanding (speaking as a recovering alcoholic who has been sober through the steps of AA for more than 23 years) is that people who don’t have a problem with alcohol spend exactly zero time thinking about ways to control their drinking. Active alcoholics, OTOH, do nothing but.