I just can’t initiate flirting. It’s not so much the fear of rejection (though that doesn’t help), as it is the complete and utter cluelessness of how to do it.
The fear I can get over, but I’ve just found out I don’t know what to do once past the fear.
I stalk and I stare, but I can’t actually say anything. Certainly not anything that would induce a response other than fleeing. I never see an opportunity to start a conversation without seeming rude and intrusive.
Earlier this week I promised myself I’d go out this weekend and try to find a date. Well, I just got back from a couple of bookstores which I went to just to look for a girl (not traditional I know, but I’d much rather meet a girl at a bookstore than a club). I saw a few apparently single, cute women. In other words, exactly who I’d like to approach and flirt with. I couldn’t. I got close, and while trying to be ready to seize the moment when it came, I end up hanging around too long, and make them uncomfortable.
At the second bookstore, there was a girl who returned a smile as I saw her. You’d think that would be a good sign, wouldn’t you? But I screwed it up. Scared her off while trying to find a way to say “hi”.
Sigh. Plan B was to go down to 6th street and visit a few bars and clubs. But I’m nixing that. I’m depressed now, and being around a bunch of people having fun will NOT help that.
Oh well. I can respond to flirting, when it’s blatant enough to penetrate my ignorance. I’m still not suave, but at least I don’t come across as a serial killer.
I guess I’ll just have to wait to be out somewhere where an appropriately bold woman will flirt with me. I forsee a long long wait.
Why is it that the people I meet have to be strangers?
You wanna know what the secret to meeting women and getting dates is, Nerd? You wanna know how to find companionship, love, happily ever after? Do you?
Well don’t ask me–I have no idea.
(What, you thought I was gonna be helpfull or something?)
Open Ended Questions.
That’s really all you need to know. Get someone talking about something they have to explain in detail, and blah da blam… Friendship.
Next time you want to approach a girl and don’t know what to say…take your watch off(better yet, don’t wear one) and ask her what is the time. You’ve asked her a legitimate question, you’ve initiated a conversation and you’ve opened an opportunity for further conversations.
First, I think it’s really cool that you choose a bookstore as a good place to find women. I thought I was the only one who hung around those places. Second - initiating the conversation. Catch her eye a few times and maybe smile at her and if she seems to reciprocate, just wander over and mention something or ask something about the book/CD/magazine she’s looking at. For example, maybe if you’ve seen the band in concert, reccomend the CD or whatever. It’s great because then you already have something to discuss! Don’t worry about being straightforaward…take it from me, girls are just as shy as guys are in this department. Just keep that in mind.
bookstores are wonderful. And Just A Girl is right- ask her about what ever it is she’s looking at/holding. She’s standing in that aisle because she’s interested in whatever it she she’s looking at . . . or that’s at least a safe assumption to work from. So start there. And if she’s not interested, there’s a WHOLE store full of people to try to talk to. So if going out with the goal of getting a date is too intimidating, work with the goal of talking to three women in the bookstore. Nothing more, just talking. And stop thinking of it of flirting - when you’re not good at it, it’s intimidating. You’re just going to talk.
Just be nice, smile, be friendly. I was at B.Dalton today and if a guy had approached I’d have been quite happy. Just smile and ask about the book. Asking for the time doesn’t always work because they just tell you the time and go back to reading. Open ended questions are good because you get them talking and then you can pick u clues from that and keep going with it.
cough cough umm FPK if a guy had asked you about the book i believe they would have either been rather interested or in TheNerd’s case perhaps incredibly scared.
Borrow a cute puppy or kitten & bring it with you. Women be around you in no time.
For shy guys: Find the most beautiful hair stylist you can. Make an appt with her to have her cut your hair. talk with her when shes cutting your hair. It’s great practice. Don’t try to date her though. Every couple weeks, find another one. Youll have great hair & more confidence in yourself.
PS: Being called ‘nerd’ & ‘I stalk and I stare’ aren’t the two best women attractants so you might work on that.
Funny thing about flirting, it almost always comes off as…flirting. The thing I’ve found is that when I’m not trying, when I’m just making casual conversation or an observation and I suddenly realize that this is a woman I might like to get to know better, if I simply stop talking for a half beat and introduce myself, it makes a world of difference. Sincerity is where it’s at, though. You can’t go out looking for a woman, any woman. Well, you can, but you see where that gets you, and since you’re reticent to go to a club, I’ll wager you’re beyond that, too.
Anyway, the real thing to remember is that nobody knows the secret to meeting/flirting/hooking up. If they did, they’d be stupid rich off of the book rights and promotional tour fees. I can tell you this, though: a friendly, disarming smile and an introduction will get you farther than insincere flattery or the like. Erika is right on the talking thing, too.
Flirting is only PLAYING at love. If one would like a serious relationship, one should not play at it…
If you want to stare at a completely naked lady or guy for three hours for three bucks or so, take an art class. That reminds me, I have a picture of me posing with two naked women in an art class :-)…Remember the number one rule of posing- It’s not polite to point. If you catch my drift.
I don’t know how helpful this will be, but here goes. When I worked in a little coffee house, we had a load of regulars. And over a short time, I got to know them all pretty well. One of the things I noticed after a while was that the fact that two people were in the shop often gave them something in common to talk about. Lots of romances sprouted from a casual observation from one person–about coffee or the newspaper. And we who worked there watched as people initiated relationships over time–some romantic, most just solid friendships. The important thing was that the two people had something in common and had found each other through it.
Both people were in a comfortable environment that they enjoyed. That seemed to be important.
Here’s another option. The next time you go to that bookstore, pretend in your mind that you already have a girlfriend. In fact, when you see someone you’d like to talk to, tell them that you’re trying to pick out a book for your “girlfriend”, and if they have any advice. Obviously, this is misleading, so don’t try to pick this girl up. Just do it to gain confidence. Girls view guys who have GF’s as non-threatening (typically), and will be a bit more at ease with you. Use that confidence to your advantage.
Handy, you seem awfully interested in this thread, so I figured I should update and let everyone know the further developments.
I still haven’t quite got up the nerve to talk to women while just out and about. But I did find a decent way around this particular problem, for the moment. Personals ads.
I found a few of them on the internet (excite and yahoo, if you care), and answered a couple. I’m now chatting with two nice girls by email, phone and AIM. And I have tentative plans to meet one of them this Friday.
Eventually, I’ll have to learn to start something, but I’m okay at the moment.
