I can't take this anymore, a prayer for anyone listening

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

First of all I’d like ot thank the mod that IM’ed me yesterday, I really appreciate what you said. Unfortunately I couldn’t respond as I was connected through a cellular and I don’t even know how to use or delete my AIM account from the phone.

Secondly I want to thank all of you again. You guys have taken the time to keep giving wise words of advice, to a total stranger, all of you have my eternal gratitude for that as well as for the measure of comfort you’ve given me.

I wish, I really, really wish I could promise all of you that I’ll be ok, that nothing will happen, that I’ll live to see all your promises come to fruition… but I can’t. I can’t promise anything at this point.

I have atleast managed to decide not to see her until she says otherwise. Specially after last night.

After the incident at lunch I was racking my brain trying to do anything, anything at all that might make my pain go away. How crazy must I’ve been, I don’t know, but I called her a short time later to apologize…

She said that she was sorry for the cold way she had treated that she was sorry everything was a mess, that she has told him that she does not want to see him because she needs to re-evaluate her feelings for me.

I so thought that was a good sign. For a moment I was the happiest person in the world. I wanted to show her, again, how special she was to me. And I ended up doing somehting rather silly.

I know one of her favorite movies is “Better off dead” with John Cusak. I remembered one scene where he stands outside his x’s window and blasts the song that was on the first time they made love. So guess what I do?

I went to our favorite local sushi place (niko niko over in seacaucus) and got her favorite. Went, got some candles, bought batteries for my boombox and snuck down through the basement of our building to the back yard. Set up the candles, the food, and turned on the boombox.

Major miscalculation does not begin to cover it. We’re both very shy people, we’re not very outgoing, and even though we’ve lived in this apartment building for over a year we’ve never so much as taken a step in the backyard. I should have thought of that.

Rather than seeing her smile, she motioned to turn the music down and get inside.

Oh well, shaking, afraid I had just made a really, really bad decision, I gathered everythign up and took it upstairs. She asked me not to do somehting like that again, and I won’t.

So, after all that I told her I won’t ever see her again, unless she asks to see me. I tried to put on a mask of seriousness when I told her that I won’t wait forever, but the mask failed me too, and it wasn’t long before I broke down again.

How can someone do this to another person? And I don’t mean just how she hurt me, but how can she make me feel this way, like every moment of my life is in danger of pushing me over the edge, how is it that I hang on her every word, that I feel both intense pleasure and terrible sadness when she touches me?

I feel a little better now. Telling all of you about my situation helps me focus a little bit.

I still can’t promise anything though… I still don’t have anyone to talk to. Only my mother is around, and we’ve never really gotten along, I just can’t bring myself to tell her anything about how I feel (althopugh she knows what has happenned).

I’ve quit my part time job (I am mostly self-employed though now that too had taken a turn for the worst) and I’m looking for a full time job to make ends meet, and to perhaps take my mind of things.

Really, I can’t promise anything, But thankyou nonetheless. Thank you all.

22

Kinthalis, you have plenty of people to talk to here, don’t worry about that. I’m sure that you could e-mail any person in this thread that has a public e-mail and not get a brush off. You’re not as alone as it seems.

23

I think you’ll often find that episodes of great pain, once you get through the initial shock, become your best opportunities to learn and grow. It sounds to me like you’d really like to talk to a counselor and I think that’s a great idea. Of course, I have a bias because I think therapy is a wonderful thing that most people could benefit from. But I hope you’ll give it a try, you might learn a lot about yourself in the process of dealing with your pain.

24

Thanks Gravity, and to everyone who wrote to me and told me their stories or love lost.

I’m going to be replying to everyone of you. I might even speak to some of you.

I stopped at our home today, I had to pick up some things I needed for the week. I left her this on her email box: http://home.comcast.net/~gothiccrux/john_n_jackie.mp3

Be warned, I’m a terrible singer, but then again, she never minded before…

Love all,
John

25

Kinthalis, 10 years ago, I left Hawai’i, leaving behind a man with all my heart who was also my best friend, and the man I intended to spend my life with. Two years ago, when a couple of good friends assured me “we’d always be friends” even though they were moving out of state, I burst into tears because that broken promise of eternal friendship as well of love had left a very large scar. This weekend, I will be spending a great deal of time with a new love. I’d even venture to say it’s better, sweeter, and perhaps stronger than the one I once had and lost. Look, I’m rather plain-looking, a bit of a social troglodyte, and a complete nerd. Trust me, if I can find someone, anyone can! :wink:

E-mail me if you need to. I’ve suffered from clinical depression so badly it very nearly killed me, and I’m amazed (and glad!) I’m still alive. I don’t have a link to Cecil’s Place handy, but if some kind Doper could supply one, I’d be grateful. I promise, it does get better, even if doing so does take hard work. You’re not alone in this. If nothing else, believe that. You are not alone.

Be well,
CJ

26

I know you’re bummed, but you gave me a great laugh with this. . .

Well, actually with this. . .

The movie was “Say Anything” though, not “Better Off Dead”, IINM. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone that’s actually tried it though, so kudos on that. Nothing works quite as well as it does in the movie.

Were you holding it above your head like Jon Cusack?

27

I hope that all of the well wishes that you have been getting in this thread will blunt what I am about to say a little, and I want you to know that I do feel for you and have been just where you are. What I need to tell you is a hard truth, but one that I think that you should know.

Basically, based on what you have shared with us in this thread and in that other one, I have to say that I think that this relationship is over. This business of begging her to come back and trying to see her will serve no purpose but to rob you of any pride or dignity that you may have left.

Again, I do feel for you and have been where you are now. But please, please think about what I am saying. Also, I might suggest that you look in to some counseling. Not only for the suicidal thoughts that you are having, but also to discover some of your own self worth.

You deserve better than what she is giving you!

28

I wasn’t going to say it first, but I’ll second it.

A huge part of getting dumped for a guy (let’s say for me) is feeling “unmanly”. I know that sounds childish, but it’s honest. Especially when there’s another guy around. . .and there’s always another guy around.

The best way to get over that is to suck it up and forget about her.

So you’re thinking, “well, how can I ever get her back if I don’t go sniveling around doing nice things for her.”

Well, it doesn’t sound like she’s coming back so . . .well, what Binarydome said. Accept it and stop acting like a clown.

29

Trunk, You have hit on what I was dancing around saying.

30

I know how you feel, and I know people telling you they know how you feel and that you’ll feel better in the future probably isn’t helping.

But it’s true. Nothing could be truer.

One day, while going through something very similar, I remember asking myself how I could possibly get through the day. The thought that got me through the day was the plan to stop at a drugstore on the way home from work and buy a shitload of sleeping pills. That’s how far into the abyss I was.

A few months later, I stopped hating life, and started only hating the bitch and the fucker she dumped me for.

A few years later, I didn’t care if they lived or died.

Now, if I saw them on the street, I’d likely go say hi to 'em. Now they’re just people I knew some years back.

There’s likely nothing I or anybody else can say that will help you feel better now. But it’s a stone-cold fact that you WILL feel better with some time. Absolutely guaranteed.

31

I don’t know if this will be comforting to you, (I hope it will) but I wrote a song about a past love and about “letting go”. It’s titled

“You Wanna Fly” and it has helped me to get through the rough times.

I have been where you are, as many of us here have. I will keep you in my prayers. Life is unexplainable sometimes, but we all get through it somehow and in turn we can help each other get through too.

God Bless.

32

Friend, I feel really sorry for you. I and everyone else who has posted in this thread knows what you’re going through and we will do everything in our power to try and help you. If anything I say sounds mean, I’m sorry. But these are things I wish someone had told me when I was going through a rough breakup. Oh, wait, someone did tell me some of these things when I was going through a rough breakup. Know who it was? The fine people here on the SDMB.

  1. She probably isn’t trying to hurt you. Yeah, you’re getting destroyed inside but I really dont think she wants for that to happen. Look at it this way: you guys are probably over for good. Would you rather end things as quickly and painlessly as possibly (like she is trying to do) or would you rather be strung along and cling on to tiny threads of hope (like you are doing to yourself)?

  2. Cut off contact. Seriously man, just cut off all contact. Tell her that you aren’t going to call, write or email. And don’t. Also tell her not to contact you anymore either. Otherwise you’ll fall into the same trap, where you will start thinking things like “well if she didn’t still care about me why did she send the email?” You don’t want that.

  3. Stop trying to win her back. Why would you want someone like that, that has done so much bad crap to you in the past? If things don’t work out with this other guy and she comes crawling back to you, then you’re just gonna have more problems. You guys are gonna have trust issues out the wazoo. And when things dont work out with the next guy she dumps you for, you’re just going to try to win her back again and perpetuate the cycle. Stop trying to make her happy. You’re just gonna become a rebound guy, or a backup boyfriend. You probably are never going to “have” her like you once did. And you should be happy because of it. Just because you still love her doesn’t mean you still need to be with her. She’s bitchy and indecisive and a cheater. No one needs to put up with someone like that.

  4. Don’t kill yourself. She’s just a girl. What good is it going to do if you kill yourself, honestly? What if someone you broke up with KILLED THEMSELF? How would you feel? I wouldn’t want to feel responsible for someone else’s death for the rest of my life and I know she doesn’t either. And please, please, please god, if you already havent, please don’t tell her that you’re going to kill yourself if she doesn’t take you back. That makes you a psycho. And then she really won’t want you back. This isn’t Romeo and Juliet. This is real life.
    Anyway, thats about all I have to say about that. Honey, it gets better. But you know what won’t make it better? Being dead. You know what will make it better? Forgetting about her and trying to move on. At least give it a shot. Keep us updated. If you wanna talk, there’s dozens of people to choose from but you can add me to that list. I’m not a relationship expert by any means but I know what its like to be so in love with someone that you would die for them. I keep some emails in my inbox that I sent to my ex-boyfriend where I said things to him like “I would die for you” and so on and so forth. I read those sometimes and realize how pathetic I was then. And I got a lot out of that relationship. Wisdom, experience, level-headedness, maybe a dash of cynicism. For instance, I realized that there is no such thing as “the one”. There are lost of people out there that are compatible enough for you to want to spend your life with, but there isn’t just one. Take it easy, we’ll get through this together. You have my word.

33

Speaking from personal experience here.

You must buck up. You must get on with your life. Get up in the morning. Brush your teeth like you always did before. Don’t try to shove the pian away, but don’t embrace it either. When you feel the pain well up on you from your gut, do something. It doesn’t matter what. Find something to do. Vacuum a room; clean the kitchen. This will help the pain to go away. Eventually it will stop.

Now, what you must not do:

Unless there are legal issues involved, you must not contact her. At all. Your relationship has devolved from a partnership to a power struggle, and not just any power struggle, but one where you have surrendered all the cards and chips then declaired that you’re ready to play poker. (mixed metaphores, I know)

She may say she’ll take you back. Hell, she may just actually do that, but she’ll turn around and cheat on you again.

Trust me, it gets better. You’ll get better. The Most Wonderful Woman In The World and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary Wednesday. You will find your very own MWWITW. It will take time, and she will not be where you expect her, but you’ll find her.

34

You are definitely in a place where I would be going insane.

Here is the link Siege wanted.

I don’t have answers, but I have sympathy. Don’t do anything that can’t be undone. It sucks for you to be alone at a time like this, when other people could be hlping you get over it. I hope it all works out well for you.

35

If you continue having any thoughts of suicide, please, please get to someone who can help you until you can help yourself. Your doctor or a hotline or just walk into the nearest ER. Please know that suicide is not a solution.

Keep coming here to talk it out. I agree with the earlier post. I think anyone here would be happy to talk more personally with you if you wanted. You are not alone.

(((hugs))))
smartini

36

About two years ago, my first serious relationship ended. We had been together for 5 years, we had been living together for about 2 years, and we had a child together (aged 4 now). My ex girlfriend got a little too close with the neighbour, and they ended up in bed together, and then she left me.
I didn’t really have much friends around here (most of my old class mates where bussy with their studies, in other parts of the country), and I felt alone. I tried meditating which kind of helped but I’m not very good at it.
Luckily my brother and his girlfriend helped me, and introduced me to their friends, who are now all good friends of mine too.
At first it really hurt, but the pain just disappeared slowly.
4 months ago, I met the woman of my dreams, I still have good contact with my ex (we try to raise our daughter the best we can), and I’m pretty happy.

Just hang in there. It does hurt, but the pain will go away if you let it.

37

Hell no, not really, and Og yes.

Oh, Kinthalis, to quote Charles Emerson Winchester III, “Live, damn you! That’s an order!”

38

Sargent Montoya checking in here…

Son, it’s a wound. Don’t pick at it because that will hurt. Leave it alone. Medicate it if you want. But sometimes you have to hack off a gummy wounded limb to save the body. The hacking hurts, but the infection will kill you.

Lonely? Feeling worthless? Looking for something to do on a Friday night? Try this: Do some volunteer time at a homeless shelter. You’re in Jersey, I’m sure there’s plenty of folks that want as well as need you.

If I were a Christian I’d say this is God doing some of that “taking away” action just to show you that all you have is YOU, and that your value is not dependent on how others treat you, but how you treat others. But I’m not a Christian. Still, why waste a perfectly healthy body in a filthy old river? Give your body to someone/something else for a time while you work on your mental health.

and DON’T go to McDonald’s anymore–that’s worse than suicide!

39

Just wanted to let everyone know I’m doing a little better. No, I’m not ok, yet, but I am better.

I’m going to take a walk in NYC today, just think and look and remember. My computer is on the fritz so I might not be able ot get back to all of you until after the holiday weekend.

But all of you will be in my thoughts as I walk and try to mend.

Thanks again,

Kinthalis (John).

40

Thank you, John, for keeping us posted on your progress.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. You’re gonna make it through!